The
lunar new year of the metal rat 2020 is full of fortune and joy and rewards
ahead, you can look up your lunar zodiac sign and read more on what’s in store
for you here.
All of this lightheartedness at Survive, Live, Thrive
so far this new year season aside—I’ve been coping with some complicated
feelings.
Last week was the anniversary of my mother’s passing, which
I think has brought up senses of grief, loss, depression. Which despite all of my careful planning and
caretaking of my daughters, may have something to do with why I feel like I
fell short or have failed somehow.
It’s odd, because I had such great set plans for this past
week end—it just involved splitting my time between my two girls. Little sis was off school on Friday, so I got
to spend some quality time with her, we painted our toenails, had a ladies
lunch, then I let her play on her ipod while I got my annual mammogram (ye old
boob smash, lol), but this office gives out roses, so she got to pick one to
take home. We then went to pick up big
sister after school and did a little shopping for replacement school clothes,
and off to karate where lil sis had a great time. But at dinner afterwards, she had the mother
of all meltdowns so I grounded her from her electronic devices for
three days (and felt like the worst parent ever for letting her play on it in the first place)—thankfully big sis was on
point so didn’t have to worry about her, meaning at least I only had one meltdown to deal with rather than a double whammy...but off to bed to greet a new day, hopefully refreshed and rested.
Big sister had a super social overnight hotel event that we
were invited to, which included an outdoor banquet underneath a 40K dinner tent
(yes 40K!) full of amazing food, games and rides for the little kids, video
game stations for the tweens and teens, and lots of live music and fun. She and her BFF had a deluxe sleepover in my
room (her parents were the ones who invited us, so let them have alone time
while the girls stayed up), and the next morning, we went horseback riding along
the ocean, which was pretty amazing, then lounged by the pool until it was time
to check out and go home--to homework, a Star Wars movie binge, yummy dinner
cooked by hubby, who had also done all the laundry and cleaned up the house
(bonus!!).
Meanwhile, I had sent little sister to her BFF’s for a
sleepover, as she had girl scout activities early Sunday morning and in the
afternoon, and I couldn’t be in two places at once, so I had to choose which
girl to do what…and I knew little sister would have a blast being with her BFF
for 24 hours! Little sister reunited
with us for the Star Wars movie binge and cuddled with me practically all
afternoon. I also had brought back slime
from the party, which she loved.
And yet…I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling like I’d done
something wrong. Perhaps I should have stayed
with little sister instead of taking big sister to her activities. Yes, I wanted to see the big fancy event, but
I also think teens need their moms too, even if they are being crotchety, they just
need reminders of our presence and that we love them, too, despite the
crotchety. At the same time, I wondered
if I missed out on little sister’s sports fair, where she got to play all
different kinds of sports with her pals and then go do crafts with her girl
scout sisters. Granted, had I been with little
sister, she likely would have been so busy with her pals, would she have even
noticed that I was there? When I tucked
her in last night, I gave her tons of smooshy hugs. I asked her if she was okay at the sports
event without me, and she said yeah, but I missed you mom. Awwww…heart strings tugged.
I want to be a good mommy to them. I hope it’s enough. I just feel so teary eyed about it. I was so tired from driving home with big
sister yesterday afternoon, I greeted the hubby, then took a shower and had to
lie down for twenty minutes. I didn’t
want to wake up. I was suddenly so tired
of all the responsibilities, of thinking through what I did, of making it
through to another day. I literally
wondered if I could just stay in a black hole of sleep for a while, I could
barely wake up to do the mundane mom things I needed to do—unpack, get some
laundry going, check on our to-do list for the week.
I was just so tired of wondering if I was enough for the
girls—and also, I had just filled in my friend about the ex’s shenanigans being banned from his mom’s house and his interfering with her time with the girls. How I was focusing on 2020 being distant from the drama, even though I know it’s happening, but still, with it
all wrapped up in my life, it’s hard to disentangle and be at peace. She said she had updates for me too, about
his new girlfriend, but she didn’t go into it too much, and I weirdly thought
maybe she was holding back, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Like I told her, I like the Ex’s new
girlfriend, she seems nice and bubbly and also clearly has her professional
life organized (i.e. first class tickets anyone?). The sisterhood in me is like: Run!!!!
But then the other part of me who is so tired of his complaining is
like: Can you please take him with you
to where you live thousands of miles away?
LOL.
There was another round of nitpicking emails that I dealt
with, this time by getting some attorney advice. I sent a “I will no longer respond anymore
to this particular issue” email (a very dumb, tiny issue, but one that when I look
back over time must have received 20+ emails about, good grief). And while I do have some distance like I’ve
committed to from last month, the energy to deal with him takes a toll, and
perhaps that’s rolled up in the depressive episode that I found myself in.
Self care: instead of
running before dawn, I did some yoga. It
didn’t shake my doldrums and I felt like I was going to fall asleep at the
wheel on the way into work. But a kind
gesture from a friend re: my mom’s passing (see flowers above), and getting back into the ‘routine’
at work, helped me normalize, and so I’m hoping to go for a run tomorrow before
dawn will help shake out some of these nerves.
The friend who gave me the flowers said to me—Jane, you’re so hard on
yourself, can you listen to how you’re talking?
About how you’re so worried you’re a good mother and yet here you are
doing everything for them. And being a
parent and a spouse and working at this job, and wanting to excel at everything
you do…you’re so hard on yourself. I
teared up. It helped to be seen and to
be recognized. I may not be the best,
and it’s okay to struggle, and it helps to be seen and thought of in the
struggle.
So carrying on…thinking of my mom and all that she went
through, and thinking of my daughters as they grow up and can only imagine what
they may go through. And just wanting to
be here for them and trying to figure out how to be kind to myself in the
process.
Maybe writing this all down is another way to be seen. I see you, too. We are in this together.
Okay year of the metal rat, I guess we can do this.
Love and hugs,
Jane Thrive
