Happy Solstice, 2022!

Summer solstice image credit

It is the longest day of the year for us northern hemisphere folks and normally, I’d be a pretty happy camper—thinking of all the summer-y things we can do.  To be honest, the summer of 2022 has been a doozy, so here is my struggle list.

One good thing though—since my last emo post about raising a teenage daughter, that very same teenager has done a complete 180.  After returning from her summer vacay with her dad, she has been kind, thoughtful, helpful (did four, yes, i said FOUR loads of laundry) and interacting.  I am in a state of shock and awe, but also extreme thankfulness, too.  Holding my breath so I don’t somehow jinx this amazing and wonderful situation!  Pray for me!! :D (She is truly growing into a thoughtful, smart, funny human being who cares about people and I am grateful.)

Surviving Solstice struggle list:

1. Emotional paralysis after living with 2 years+ pandemic working and caretaking.
2. Physical weakness due to item number 1: i.e. less energy to do the exercising, etc. (I am recovering from surgery still yet...)
3. Recovering from surgery. 
4. Testing myself due to COVID exposures; wondering when will I get COVID, or when will family member get COVID again?
5. Mid-life crisis-ing:  waking up each morning thinking, what is the point of getting out of bed, when so many people are a-holes.  (See last post).
6. When the hubby gets his man-period, then I have three tweens/teens in the house and I want to pull my hair out.

 

Surviving Solstice coping list:

1. Be gentle with you-emotionally and physically, you can only do what you can do.
2. Tell someone you love them.
3. Cry.
4. Call someone you love and trust and take a moment to connect.
5. Make stupid, venting jokes about a-hole people.
6. Do something physically active (limited if cannot get out of bed, but then if you get out of bed, celebrate that small miracle for what it is!)
7. Take a bath.
8. Vege out to k-dramas or tiktok videos or Stranger Things 4.
9. Therapy. 
10. Breathe - meditative breathing, or try the free insight timer app.
11. Nature - get outside, even for a few minutes, and listen to the wind.

When I see this list, I see many privileges and abilities.  And at the same time, I recognize that living is just f%*(ing hard. 

So letʻs do our best to stay in the moment and hope that we can come together and help each other along. 

And talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  I love you.

Love,

Jane Thrive

(Teenager) GirlMom Help!

 

(picture credit here)

Dear World, 

Maybe the kids are *not* all right.  If there are any moms of teenagers out there (or mom survivors of teenagers), I would really, really be grateful for any words of wisdom.  Especially if you are/were doing the two household situation due to a divorce (long ago).  And especially, especially if your co-parent hailed from an abusive household and has not healed from it...

From this teenager mom:  I need a hug.  Or a million.  And a vodka shot. Maybe more than one.

This heartfelt “letter from” series on The Guardian, sums up my insides exactly.

The context:  For the last few years (even in COVID), I was able to pull off a birthday lunch for my daughter with her school friends, and this year, we discussed the same a couple of weeks ago.  Last night, I realized that in a few days, said daughter would be off with her summer break time with dad, and I thought to talk to finish up her planning at dinner.  She seemed hesitant at first, then blurted out that she wanted to do something small with us, and that she would do something with her school friends with dad.  I did my best to react kindly, even as I was a little surprised, and continued to nod and say okay and sounds good.

After dinner, I thought to check in with her (apparently big mistake #1), and ask her about her thought process.  My words:  Hi honey, just thought to check in, can you please help me understand your thought process, only because a couple of weeks ago we had started working on her party over here and that is okay, just wondered?  Her response immediately escalated into yelling at me about how she never made any kind of decision before, and that I didn’t trust her to make her own choices, and how dare I question her?  It was such a strong reaction, I was taken off guard and the more I tried to soothe and say, okay, everything is okay, the more she agitated and upset she got.

I literally told her I think it is good she can have fun with her dad, or do fun things with him.  I said it is 100% okay to say, hey mom, I changed my mind, I would like to have a party with dad this year and do something small with my old old friends over here.  And she grimaced and said, well, OKAY MOM, I changed my mind and just want my three friends over here.  And you don’t trust me and you just want to blame dad instead of trusting me to make my own decisions and to get out. 

So, reading the room, I got out!  When everyone calmed down, about an hour later, I had to check on her for the next morning commute (I make her breakie on the go).  And in doing so, I reinforced with her and said, honey, it is important that you understand what is in my head about dad.  Please don’t put your thoughts in there.  I have always thought and still do think it is good that you can do good things with him; I am happy you are going on your trip with him to spent time with aunty (his girlfriend), I really like aunty, and have always supported you doing things with dad ever since you were a little girl.  And she just said:  OKAY.

And I thought, well…okay maybe it is okay?  But it isn’t okay—because I learned later that her interpretation of events was that I was going after her and giving it to her and that I didn’t trust her and she is so tired of it all.

My heart still hurts about this; how badly my words have been misinterpreted and it doesn’t matter that I stood there calmly, using quiet words.  I remember seeing this comedy routine from this mom who says that she angers her daughter just by breathing. 

I’m trying not to cry my eyes out, because underneath it all, I know that her father has for years delighted in the manipulation of how unfair everything is in terms of his perspective of not having ‘equal’ time with the girls—even though it is for their own protection.  And the girls have spent years taking care of him emotionally and tiptoeing around his temper.  They painstakingly and repeatedly reported blow-by-blow accounts of what happens at our house (and I have heard him making sly and negative comments).  However, in the reverse, they have never felt comfortable sharing what activities they do with him, even going to ‘secret’ beaches that they can’t tell me about because ‘it’s a secret.’ 

All my efforts to escape his abuse (physical and mental) and it feels like in this scenario, we have not escaped.  All my efforts to be supportive, as best as I can, to never badmouth, to hear their worries and reflect them back with support and empathy, without ever negative talking their father, and to also react positively when they share fun things that they do?  To be the ‘safe’ house, yet still, somehow, my words/interprets my words as negative and blaming and icky.

I know being a parent of teenagers is tough; I didn’t know that by saying I support your time with your dad would be interpreted as mom is after me and blames dad for everything.  It is enough to throw your hands up and give up.

I know I can’t give up.  But boy does my heart ache.  I don’t think I am cut out for this teenager heartache.

p.s. thank goodness for therapists.  She helped me understand that the bonds between child and mom will always be there.  That it is normal for teenage girls to go off on their moms; also okay for me to say: hey I hear you are having a hard time and I am always here for you, but it is hard to hear when you are turning on me.  

That she likely does it because she feels safe.  But my heart hurts because of and also for her.

Survive, Live, Thrive Update

What I’ve been doing since March:

• Little sister disclosed that her father’s temper scares her.
• Little sister disclosed how her father hurt her “this one time” when he threw a book at her and left a ‘red mark.’
• Little sister drew pictures of dad yelling at her because she spilled water.  He has wings and a tail and she is crying.
• Play therapist says this does not rise to the level of reporting abuse.
• Play therapist says I do not want to have an overworked, underpaid social worker making decisions about my family.
• We’ve created code words for little sister to use.  Let’s say it’s watermelon
• One watermelon is dad hurts my feelings, two watermelons is that it’s really bad, three watermelons is that I really need you to do something about it, mom. L
• Little sister says she feels relieved that it’s “not a secret anymore” and also makes us promise not to tell him. 
• Play therapist and I reinforce with little sister that dad’s decisions are about dad and they are not her fault.
• Over the summer we meet regularly with the play therapist and little sister says she wants to handle the watermelons by herself.
• I still check in from time to time about watermelons though, she shares a few more stories and another picture at play therapy.  It’s a picture of dad yelling at her and she’s standing there with a sad face, but in her mind ‘bubble’ she’s thinking about playing with her friends.  
• This has brought up a ton of PTSD for me and have been seeking therapy support to process it all and cope with the disclosures.
• I discover from big sisters texting that dad called big sister a fucking asshole because she is beating him at super smash bros.  Great, really great.  She’s venting to her friend but after all caps venting, she finishes with: okay, bye.
• I’m kind of awed and impressed by all of the colorful language big sister used, at first she used asterisks, like F*ck, but by the end, all words were in all cap and spelled out.
• Before extended dad vacation, both sisters forgot prescription toothpaste that they need to use per dentist’s orders and were scheduled to see the dentist the day after they returned.  Ex refused to meet me for three days, so I finally dropped it off at his house, per my attorney’s advice.
• Ex yelled at in the street:  “You’re trespassing!”  To which I responded, “The kids need to use their toothpaste once a day, Bye!” And then got into my car, cried and drove away.
• Attorney told me I could change the parenting time.  I decide to pursue, at least to see what the options are, but do not want to re-litigate and will only move forward if there's a guarantee I can improve parenting time.
• After analyzing details of the case, attorney realized it’s not a slam dunk.
• Sort this out in therapy, but really, decided to be peace with not seeking further litigation.  Just glad I have a badA$$ attorney who will defend me if the ex and his girlfriend with deep pockets ever tries any litigation. (Best offense is a good defense).
• Hanging in there as best as I can.

  

Good things I’ve done during the pandemic

• Learning about big sister’s love for anime and marathon watching it with the girls.
• Taking both of the girls surfing for the first time—each on their own time, and seeing them love it!
• Staycation because no tourists in town and enjoying the peace and quiet and fun of family time away from the house.
• Walking our doggie G every day for a mile.
• Cooking little sister breakfast every morning and sitting and eating breakie and lunch together, because teleworking.
• Linking volunteer attorneys giving free legal advice to folks who are trying to access the family court system and don’t have an attorney.
• Surfing myself and having an Instagram photographer capture a photo!
• Watching:  The Last Kingdom and The Umbrella Academy on Netflix for escape.  (I didn’t realize that I’d be so bloodthirsty in Last Kingdom, LOL!)

02022020: Superwomen win the superbowl

Shakira and JLO

I spent palindrome day catching smooth fun ocean waves and then catching up with old girlfriends—one who’ve I known almost 23 years and another girlfriend whose birthday just passed last month.  This was my way of filling up my cup as I’ve been struggling with grief and the girls were with their dad for the week end.  I was determined to do beautiful things and surround myself with love on 02022020, because apparently a palindrome day won’t happen again for 101 years, and I won’t be around.  (Which, now that I think about, any day won’t happen again ever…so…okay…cue the music to make the most of your every day life.  Umm…is that inspiring or pressure-inducing, lol?)

Of the Superbowl, I was able to catch the halftime show—a showstopper of a performance by Shakira and JLO and I was loving it!  Two ladies being awesome, singing, dancing and entertaining, including the kids and kicking ass, yes please.  I was actually perplexed by the backlash—my kids couldn’t watch it, there was a (gasp) stripper pole?  Really?  That’s what you took away from that amazing acrobatic performance?  Did you miss the beautiful kids breaking free from cages to sing born in the USA and a wink with the Puerto Rican Flag morphing into the US flag?  The kids were great—in appropriate attire, and if the hot mamas were dancing salsa in fringe and shaking it, isn’t that their right?  Isn’t it also JLo’s right to use all that athleticism that she’s been trained on to take on a movie role and morph that into one of her biggest performances of her career?  Let’s turn stereotypes on their heads.  Let’s have two Latina women killing it on stage to a hundred million people.  More please. 

By the end of the day, Hubby and I found ourselves outside walking our puppy (not a puppy anymore, she turned 5 last Friday) around our neighborhood, up against a backdrop of beautiful green, rainforest mountains, and I breathed in how lucky we are to be alive right now.  To have these momentary, little problems – hubby’s work stress, puppy taking a dump and having to clean it up, a sore back from exercising in the ocean, lol.  I felt the distant drama, but will give myself an A for making the most of my day off without the girls and all the usual emotions that come with being away from them.

I just want to close on this note—in my carpool on the way to school drop off this morning, I heard the young teenager girls in the back seat singing along to Taylor Swift’s _You Need to Calm Down_.  This made me smile.  I don’t remember growing up listening to songs leading with lyrics like:  and I see you over there on the internet, comparing all the girls who are killing it, but we figured you out, we all know now, we all got crowns…

I pray my girls will grow up strong.  If they want to dance, dance.  If they want to sing, sing.  If they want to be themselves, they can just be themselves.  Yes, please.

After Summer Comes the Fall

August is Like the Sunday of Summer

With the girls in separate schools, our school year began with a staggered start.  So while DD2 began another elementary year earlier this month, my middle schooler lounged and languished for a few more weeks, lucky her.  (She did work a bit, volunteering at her old preschool—on her last day they presented her with a book filled with drawings and messages from all the littles thanking her, and notes that they couldn’t wait to see her at school—from the kids who were entering kindergarten at DD1’s school, aww.  She also had some summer homework, but I *did* let her lounge a bit, too!  LOL).

What to do with our time for that last little vestige of summer before another middle school grade? 

A belated birthday slumber party for my newly minted teen with her girl scout pals—friends she’s had since kindergarten, 1^st and 2^nd grades, aww…they’ve gotten so big!!  (with all that traveling and summer time sharing with her dad, we hadn’t had time to celebrate).  I love that she feels comfortable to have her friends over at our house.  We projected Captain Marvel on the wall and then I let them stay up all night playing minecraft and listening to kpop or whatever it is they listen to nowadays (OMG I’m so olddd).

Then, considering DD1’s sensitivities that everyone is comfortable, we had a second AYCE (all you can eat) Korean bbq lunch with her school friends (she had tried to mix friends at a celebration with her dad and was worried that some people felt left out and asked me sweetly if we could keep them separate.)  This was also good for DD2, as I told DD1 that in order to balance out the friend time, DD2 could bring her bestie along.  My heart did a double swoon to see my teenager smiling and laughing with her friends, and DD2 busily eating and then drawing and playing games with her BFF.  And after the eating, ice cream cake (yes!  I was so stoked she wanted ice cream cake, my favorite, too, lol!!), I mean what can be better than ice cream cake on your birthday?  All was well with the world.

Then, because it was the last week end before school was starting for DD1, I decided to take the girls and one BFF each to the beach.  We stayed for a few hours, playing in the water, playing in the sand, enjoying the beauty and nature that is our home.  Then off to home, dinner, bath, bed.  Good night world.

The following day we had a family potluck in the morning at church and then off to DD2’s new girl scout meeting.  We merged troops with another group of girls near where we lived and we had a blast!  The new leader took on the brownies, and I led the junior scouts, the room was full of laughter and smiles and even some hugs.  Then it was off for some post girl scout bubble tea, a car wash, and then I dropped the littles and picked up DD1’s bestie to go to their school so they could find their lockers and stuff all their books in, to save them the rush and dash and trouble the following morning.

Needless to say, I went to bed that night feeling parentally fulfilled.  LOL.  All children happy, in bed at a decent time, life is good.

So all clear on the co-parenting front?

Not exactly—I was surprised last week by DD1’s acute and astute observations and because they came out of the blue, I wasn’t super prepared on how to respond and winged it the best that I could.  So this is how it went. 

On the way home from DD1’s tennis, I heard DD1 tell me “dad was in anger management.”  So I responded, ‘oh that’s great!  Dad’s in anger management?  That can really help!”

And she was like, no mom, I said, does dad need anger management?   He gets soooo mad!

So taken a back, I just said, ‘oh gosh, yeah, I remember his temper, I feel you. I mean I remember he could go from 0 to 100 mph in seconds flat…”

And she was like, yeah!  Over the most petty things!!!

And I was like, well, yeah…

Then she asked me if he ever got so mad the police were involved, and if that was why “you left him”?

And so then I paused a few moments, thinking of what to say.  How could I be general and also tell the truth?  So I answered, ‘well, like I told you before, divorce is complicated, and there’s lots of issues, and yeah, I guess the anger was part of it.  I can’t tell you everything now, sweetheart, but maybe one day, when you’re a grown up…you know after college and you have a family of your own…”

And then she was like you said you’d tell me when I was 16!

And I was like, what??

And then it became an argument about me saying I’d tell her details when she turned 16.  Le sigh.  Car conversations with a young teenager.

We arrived home and went straight inside to deal with dinner, getting ready for bed, goodnight world…by the time bed time rolled around it had seemed the matter of “anger management” was forgotten.

So my takeaways---DD1 is definitely getting older, and definitely seeing things for herself.  My job is to help her sort her thoughts.

I was meditating the other day on how to help my girls—on another coparenting front there’s a time swap that is being worked out and of course he’s being difficult about it.  So I was meditating on how to shield my girls from the conflict, which leads to worrying how they’re doing, which leads to wondering how I can do what’s best for them, and I heard a voice inside my head that said:  Focus On The Love.

And I realized when I look back at my childhood, I don’t remember a whole lot of specifics.  I mean, I do have snippets of vivid memories here and there, but overall, the big picture of my childhood, it’s kind of like a colored rainbow of emotion.  I remember lots of conflict with my mom and her second husband, my stepdad, and my brother.  I remember going back and forth between my mom and my adopted dad  (not nearly as much as my girls do), but splitting time nonetheless.  And I remember the moments where I was arguing with my mom, being a surly teen myself, splitting my identity from her as I grew into my own.  And I do have sad and painful memories of my dad passing and conflict with my stepdad.  But even with the conflict that I had with my mom, I remember the love.  I remember that she was there for me.  I remember that even when she was angry or didn’t do one thing or another, or I didn’t do one thing or another, she always loved me.  That was never a question, even when I railed that she must hate me and I hated her (even though I never did).  So what did I walk away with?  That she did the best that she could.  That love was always there in her heart.

So I guess the best I can do for my girls is to focus on the love.  That is what I can give them.

So with Summer coming to a close and Fall at hand, that will be my mantra.  Focus on the Love.

Proud Mama Moments While Coparenting my Tween

Big-Little-Tree

The other day on the way home from school, fighting traffic with DD1 riding in the backseat, DD1 nonchalantly announced that she won an award and there was going to be a ceremony at school.  It went something like this:

DD1 (fiddling with her phone music keyboard game):  I-won-an-award-and-there’s-a-ceremony-and-dad-wants-to-go-does-that-mean-you-want-to-go-too? 

Me:  Wow!  What kind of award, sister?

DD1: A writing award.

Me:  That’s great, DD1!  I’m really proud of you!  And there’s a ceremony?

DD1: Yes-it’s-before-school-dad-says-he’s-going-does-this-mean-you’re-going-too.

Me:  Well, of course I want to go, sister.  I need to know more about the award and the ceremony, though was it announced?

DD1: I got an EMAIL.  And I didn’t think you could go because you have to be at work!

I could tell she was struggling.  Having two households can be stressful.  At the same time, I had no idea what was going on and needed to learn more.  She continued to tell me that she wasn’t sure what the writing award was but that she was invited by an email and it was to include breakfast and a quick ceremony before school.  Also, she didn’t want any of us to go, but dad said he’s going so does that mean you’re going too.  Of course I said that I wanted to go, to which she responded with more sighs and stomping around the house.  Even A wanted to attend, but after all the stomping and sighing (tweens sure do stomp and sigh a lot), we came to the conclusion that while there are events to hang our hats on where all parents needed to attend (i.e. school-wide performances, graduations, etc.), perhaps this half hour ceremony before school was not one of them, given her reaction.

Later, DD1 confirmed other parents were also attending and we realized the ceremony was the morning that I was on carpool duty for drop off, so I let DD1 know that I was going.  When she spoke by phone with her dad on the phone later, she told him, well MOM wants to go now, so you can go too, I GUESS.  You know to be FAIR.

There were two more days to go by (including an overnight with her dad), so I let DD1 know, listen sister, if you REALLY don’t want parents to go, I’ll reconsider this, okay?  To which she just answered with a short:  IT’s FINE.

Then some sweet little surprises happened to let me know it was okay to go:

1)  She asked if I had a blouse for her to wear to the ceremony.  Then right before bed, she raided my closet and picked one out.  (gasp! We’ve gotten to the point where she wears my clothes!  Lol).

2)  When I asked if there was a place that sold coffee/tea at school, so I could hang out after drop off and before the ceremony started—she asked, why?  And I responded, well, I figured you wouldn’t want me hanging around you and your friends so I could go hang out somewhere.  DD1 thought about this for a while and later that afternoon, informed me: I guess you can sit with us, mom.  It’s okay.  You can sit on the side.  Just don’t be so loud.  (tee hee hee, what me?  Loud?)

3)  Arriving at school and at the tables where DD1 sits with her friends, her tweens nodded at me, and DD1’s BFF told everyone I was her “second mom.”  I smiled and said good morning and focused on playing Words with Friends, so as not to disturb the force.

4) Although, after talking with two of DD1’s friends for a little bit (careful not to be too loud), they decided they wanted to come with us.  So we all tromped over to the ceremony and sat together.

5) I asked DD1 if she wanted me to invite her dad to sit with us, and she shook her head adamantly.  But she didn’t object to me helping her catch his attention, calling his name and waving.  (I’ll follow up with her about that it’s okay if everyone sits together…)

6) When her teacher gave me a big hug and later, invited me to take a group photo of the winners, DD1 SMILED!  Awww…

7) It turned out DD1 was being recognized for her poem…and she let me READ IT.  And asked me what I THOUGHT about it.

8) We had a nice discussion about what the symbolism meant and how proud I was of her for thinking of it.  Also, why I thought it had been recognized out of the two grades it was represented.

9) She shared with me some of her other writing.  <3 o:p="">

10)  Later, we celebrated because I got out of work early—I took her and her BFF (“second daughter”) out for bubble tea and cookies before we headed home.

All in all!  A very good day in the life of a tween mom.  Heart full!!!!

Happy Earth Day & Tween Correspondence

EarthRise-NASA

Happy Earth Day!

And in other news, an actual email that I received from DD2:

-----

Dearest Parental Unit,

I regret to inform you that I have forgotten my racquet at home.  I am so, very sorry.  Is it possible that I can stop by and run into the house to grab it?

Sincerely,

DD2

-----

LOL.  Yes, I did remind ms. daughter to not forget her racquet before she left the house this morning.  

I’m actually impressed that she addressed me as “Dearest Parental Unit” as well as chose to spell racquet instead of racket.  Awwwww, DD2

p.s. percolating on another blog post--about Easter, grief, redemption, healing, and love.  I can't get the juices flowing right now, so I'm leaning into parenting, regular work-life, and preparing for all the death and destruction in the next episode of Game of Thrones.  

Love and hugs to you!

Happy Two Days after Girl's day (3/3)!

Girls Day Origami

So today’s post will be a dedication to my two favorite girls—big sister and little sister, love letters for our day in the life.

Dear Little Sister, a.k.a. Tough Girl,

Let me tell you about why we are calling you “Tough Girl.”  Yesterday, you got whacked in the head not once, but TWICE, at tennis practice.  The first time, because you ran close by another little girl and boom came the racket on the top of your head.  You recovered pretty quickly.  The second time, you were too close to someone who was practicing her serve, and BOOM, you got hit in the eye.  You were sobbing and crying and covering your eye.

When I came rushing over with an ice pack, you cried and cried some more and I wrapped you in my giant sweater and just held you.  And you asked me if your eye was going to fall out.  And I just kept hugging you and said absolutely not, your eyeball was going to stay right inside your head.  And we just kept cuddling and then finally you asked if we could go home already and I was like absolutely.  You also told me you didn’t want to go to school and I quietly told you we’d see.  But for now we were just going to keep an ice pack on and it would help make your eye feel better.

You sat at the dinner table with an ice pack over your eye and then you asked me for an eye patch.  I made one for you out of an old Delta sleep mask that they hand out on the plane.  About halfway through dinner, your spirits improved, and you started asking me about slime and how we make it.  Then you took off your eye patch and you slowly opened your eye and I told you that you looked pretty tough.  So then you wanted to look at your eyeball and then to take a selfie and you made a “tough girl” face.  And then you decided you were going to show me this dance that you had made up with your BFF at school, called the “horse-what-are-those-straps-that-humans-use-to-guide-a-horse-mommy?”  And I answered, “reins”?  And you said, Yes!  This is our “Horse-Rein” dance.   And you wiggled and shimmied all around the living room and I couldn’t stop laughing, because you said, “and this is my horse rein’ face too” and you made an epic silly face.

Moments later, apa came home from work, and you ran over to show him your “horse rein” dance.  And you gleefully told him how you were a TOUGH GIRL and had gotten whacked twice, but mommy says I’m a TOUGH GIRL and you made strong arm muscles to show him.

So by the time it was bath time, you were singing and splashing around like there was no care in the world, and when you did your nightly call with your dad, you also proudly told him how TOUGH you were.  And that even though you got hit, you STILL LOVE tennis.  (awwww).

Later, we tucked in goodnight and said a prayer for everyone in our family, and also that we hoped your eye would get better, you asked me to kiss you all over your face, but not my eye mommy, and I prayed that you would have only good dreams.  And in the morning, you were right as rain, and you bounced out of bed ready to go to school.  You kissed me goodbye and my heart is so full because of how much I love you. 

P.s. and just a note: you won your very first tennis match, singles and doubles last week end, and we are so proud of you!

-----

Dear Big Sister,

You are getting older now, in intermediate school, and you keep a lot of your feelings to yourself and I'm doing my best to respect your space.  At the same time, you are sure to tell me if I annoy you or if you’re frustrated with how annoying I am, lol, so I’ve learned to roll with the punches.  When you’re in a good mood, I just cherish those moments, because you are physically a half an inch shorter than me and will likely grow taller, and I’m realizing how fast the time is flying by now that you’re a tween.

Yesterday, well after little sister’s tennis brouhaha, I picked you up after YOUR tennis—where on the way home you proceeded to tell your dad on the phone that you wanted to scold little sister for standing too close to the other players.  (I interpreted that to mean that you care about her and didn’t want her to get hurt, awww.)  You and I also had a quick talk about the weird Momo video that’s making the rounds via youtube, and you let me know that dad already addressed it being a fake filter or something, but when I shared that little sister’s vice principal had shared it with all of the  students, your ears were listening.  All I said was that if you did see something weird, and that something weird tells you to do something that hurts you or others, to talk to me or the closest parent available immediately.  And you agreed (without rolling your eyes) and asked why that person hasn’t gotten in trouble and I answered, because they haven’t found them yet, but hopefully they would soon.  The most important part was to tell someone if you see it.  There might have been a shadow of eye rolling because I repeated myself, but that’s okay, I understand.

When we walked into the house, we discovered that apa had eaten all of the broccoli, and you said you’d give him a pass even though that's your favorite (I was the one that was more lit up about you not having your broccoli, lol, and btw I love that you love broccoli), and then you quickly downed three bowls of my home-made chili mac and cheese.  (Not counting the one bowl that you ate before practice).  I love making your favorite dishes and seeing you eat heartily—with tennis practice and your hectic school schedule and you being on the verge of getting a cold, we need to keep you healthy and full of good food!

You were psyched when you found a home made pound cake in the fridge and you asked if you could have that piece too.  We sat at the table with you, I made little sister turn off her ipad since she’d already eaten, you asked apa about his day at work.  And we all shared how our days were and for fifteen minutes, I just enjoyed being next to you (I didn’t say this out loud, because it would be EMBARASSING to you).  I shared some girls day treats that I had picked up on Sunday—little favors from an afternoon tea in boxes with “Love” and you thought they were so cute; as well as chi chi dango (rectangular rice cake) and there was a blue one, your favorite color.

It turns out one of my friends knows your math teacher, so you were asking who she was and when you saw a picture of aunty, you remarked on how pretty she was.  And when I said that Aunty wanted to come over and have a mani/pedi party with us, you thought that would be fun.  Then it became time to do homework and the only minor tussle we got into before bed was that I was hassling you to brush your teeth already, because I didn’t want you to stay up too late.

You mentioned that one of your aunties asked if you had any crushes, and I tried not to act too interested when I answered, oh really?  And you said no and halfheartedly wondered why she'd asked, and I said, well, probably because we know A (Aunty’s daughter) does.  And you laughed, because we both know it’s true.  And I said well, if you do have any questions or a crush…and you rolled your eyes and was like I won’t be telling you!  And I answered, well, I’m here for you anyway, and you tucked into bed and you had some snuggle time with our sweet dog as we said our evening prayer. 

I said goodnight to you and I kissed your forehead, like I do every night, because even though you don’t really hug me much anymore, I’m doing my best to show you affection on the regular.  Because I love you with all my heart.

This morning, you weren’t even that grumpy for getting up early and asked me nicely to help get your breakfast.  And you and Q were the only two awake in the carpool and you were playing a trivia game, and the two of you were singing along to the tunes I had on Pandora, which made my heart all smooshy.  (The other two kids were fast asleep). 

The last words I said to you when I dropped you and the carpool kids off were I love you and have a good day at school—I may have imagined it, but I think you nodded and might have smiled.  (But it’s okay if you didn’t, because being a tween is hard).

Love, Love, and all my love,

mom

Two Moments in the Life of a Little Girl Growing up in the World Right Now

(World Clouds)

I don’t know wtf is going on with media messaging in the world where my third grade daughter is worried that she’s fat.

I’ve tried responses that concentrate on what our bodies can do (can I run? Can I swim? Can i climb the monkey bars? Can i play tennis with my friends? And karate too? Yay! I’m healthy!) and how our doctor says she is perfectly healthy every year at her physical. That honestly our DOCTOR is the person who can tell us if there’s an issue about weight, and no one else. She’ll agree for a few days but then it’s like she doesn’t hear it at all, she comes home saying my belly is fat or my belly is big. That this girl or that girl at school says her belly is fat (as in talking about herself, not my daughter’s; it’s the self loathing talk that’s bumming me out—and i know these girls they are little growing toothpicks).

I’ve tried to normalize that bellies are just bellies and bending over makes our bellies look different, to no avail. I’ve monitored the way I speak about my body around her to make sure I’m not passing along negative body imaging to her. I say I exercise so I can be healthy and live a long life (not that I’m trying to lose weight or trying to be skinny, and that’s fine if those are personal goals out there in the world, just not trying to put those world’s expectations on her). Urggggg.

So in the moment, I resorted to: I can’t stop you from saying negative things about yourself DD2, even though I know the words aren’t true. I need you to say some different words for yourself though. So from now on, any time you say something negative, like my belly is fat, I want you to say something positive, too. Like, I can read chapter books. I can swim all afternoon. She half heartedly repeated these words. And was like

awwww, do I have to?

And I was like: if I catch you saying negative things about yourself without saying something positive, no playing games on the IPAD.

Her (eyes as big at saucers): For how long?

Me: FOREVER.

Her: OKAY MOMMY.

...

FFS

I recalled going through this a little bit with DD1, but not to the constant repeat loop that seems to be with DD2.  And, she still bounces around and plays with her friends, like today she swam for two hours straight in the pool, just venting about the negative body talk that she’s taken on. Is it parroting? Does she really think this? Probably a bit of both.  And IPAD threatening was not my best moment, but I fail all the time so just add it to the tally of shit I do wrong.  Tomorrow is another damn day.

------

Day 2: So after a somewhat good night's sleep, I felt a little better about this being a marathon type of conversation/issue and not a here's a few steps to solve the challenge type of situation.  So okay, life, I'll take this challenge, dang it.  One of the silver linings out of the conversations of late is this:  she actually talks to me about it.  she feels safe enough with me to tell me her worries and fears, so I need to be less judgmental about her worries and fears and more supportive of how to be a positive force in her life.  I'll keep up with positive talk and will lesson the IPAD threats, and understand that if we still struggle with messaging as a 20, 30, 40  year olds (my goal is that by 50 i just wont gaf, i'm pretty close to IDGAF, but i've been conditioned by the same media messaging), then of course this is going to seep into an 8 year old's realm, whether i like it or not.  p.s. she brought it up again this morning when i was braiding her hair.  she was hesitant to say the word 'fat,' i think in part because she didn't want me to harsh on feminist theory at 6am?  LOL.  so i said, honey, i realize you have your thoughts and feelings about this, and the world is going to say one thing, and we have to say other things back.  so what would you like to say back?  i can swim?  she said yes.  i can read all the books?  she said yes.  and i said, anything else?  and she said: i can run.  ❤

And…my heart melted.

Lastly, an extra:

Gillette embraced the Be the Best a Man can Be to mean more than brawny, uninformed masculinity, and I actually teared up.  Of course there’s backlash from the trolls and threats to boycott, which means it struck a nerve.  You can see it here.

I know, I know, I teared up at a SHAVING commercial.  But I teared up because this mainstream, commercial (usually money-grubbing and not giving a f!@$) world has embraced the idea of a BETTER way to be.  I imagined how different my experiences would have been if I had grown up in this one, and maybe that’s why I teared up.  A hope that the world can be better.

Because world, I **need** you to be a better place for my two little girls who are growing up fast.

Merry Christmas Eve! (and a Christmas Wish)

What a week end before Christmas!  We are so excited to celebrate the holidays—with our pals and our annual Christmas cookie baking—recipe passed down from my mom and her mom, along with their home made icing recipe.  The Christmas cookies aren’t just any type of Christmas cookies—they have a touch of vanilla and lemon which sets them apart.  We also bake what we call “margerites”—which I pre make before the girls arrive; one of big sis’ BFF looks forward to eating them every year--they’re these bite-sized oatmeal, brown sugar min-muffin goodnesses with chopped pecans.  I have vivid memories of eating them every Christmas with my mom, polishing off almost a complete batch; and now big sis’ BFF does the same.

After we exhaust ourselves rolling out the dough, cutting out the cookies, baking, then icing and sprinkling, I order pizza in and then we all settle down for our annual Christmas movie watching with the lights down and using an LCD projector that spreads the picture on the wall.  Our faves:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 1966 cartoon version)

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (also animated, 1983 version)

And the feature pick this year—Home Alone

(I realized that I hadn’t seen Home Alone from start to finish and thought it was pretty funny!  The annual feature rotates—last year it was the Polar Express which was a little weird, and honestly can’t remember the feature picks from years before, lol!)

At any rate, as the girls get older, I’m seeing different age related changes, i.e. big sis and friends politely asked me to put on K-pop instead of playing Christmas carols (ahhh! Tweendom is here!)!  I relented, but only after we compromised that while little sis and her friend were in the room we’d play holiday music, so I could (in their words) imprint Christmas music onto their souls.  Big sis and friends hardly need any supervision—I can just give them some dough and a rolling pin and they’re off and running; I can focus on the littles, helping them roll and cut out and carefully transferring cut outs to the pan without beheading angels or mangling up stars (which I don’t actually mind, but they insisted on “not killing” the angels).

The following morning, we made pretzels dipped in white chocolate and sprinkles galore (so to use the leftover cookie sprinkles)…and oh how many sprinkles were all over the house!  I then put on a Netflix movie so they could chill out before being picked up, and found a silly holiday gem of a movie called The Christmas Chronicles.  Kurt Russel as St. Nick and a surprise appearance of Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus at the end!  This may be our feature pick for next year.

One advantage of big sister and her pals getting older is that they can help with all the cleaning, big sis even vacuumed!

After everyone left, the girls and I took a power nap, because we had plans to go see Mary Poppins Returns with our pals we’ve known since the girls were literally in the belly.  (One of my BFFs and I met at pregnant lady yoga in what seems like a million years ago.)  Big sis declared that while this was a good movie, the ORIGINAL was STILL the best.  (I liked Mary Poppins Returns—it made me nostalgic for the original Mary Poppins in the very BEST way). 

On the way home, the Christmas music loud and proud in the car, the holiday neighborhood lights blinking and glowing all around us, I realized that the girls were singing along to every song that came on.  I think my heart grew so much it was about to burst.  Bing Crosby's The Little Drummer Boy.  Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is coming to town (belting it out like we were at a rock concert).  Holly Jolly Christmas.  Do you Hear what I Hear.  Do They Know it's Christmas.  Just to name a few. Please let them remember and hold in their hearts these small happy moments in time.

A friend of mind posted that if she could have but one Christmas wish, it would be to wake up on Christmas morning to see her mother and father standing by the tree (they passed on years ago).  I realized I could have the very same wish.  I would be torn though, and I think my mom would understand, if I spent my one precious Christmas wish on my daughters—that they will always feel my love for them, no matter where they are, no matter when, no matter what. 

Wouldn’t it be lovely if could have more than one Christmas wish?  Let’s make our wishes come true, somehow, at least the ones that are created from love.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Treading Water

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Dear Jane,

Today you're treading water.  You're not feeling especially happy or especially sad, although you are feeling a bit anxious.  The running has helped, but you had to take a week off because you started this whole running odyssey when you're over 40 (and apparently they call you a 'master' runner which you think translates to old lady runner, lol, but you’re cool with it), and so going five miles 3-4 times a week made your ankle really hurt.  Anyway!  You got back on the running wagon yesterday, which felt pretty good.

You’ve been getting up every day and logging in the parenting hours, the work hours, the wife hours, the managing everyone and the household hours and so it feels like you’re treading water.

You may have spent some time surfing the internet reading tons of articles about running, about depression, about entertainment news, because honestly, faking it right now is about the best that you have.  Oh, and yes, you did return some phone calls and attend some meetings.  You did attend to some pending work matters and you did take care of certain staff that needed attention.

Gold star for being present over the week end and being there for your kids and cuddles and love.  Your tween daughter actually laughed, LAUGHED with you about a book she read that was funny.  Your younger one thought you said ‘feed the fish tank sushi’ when you said you were going to wash the fish tank this sunday, and at first was salty at you because you didn’t respond (because distracted by grief/depression that sinks in like a fog sometimes), but when you snapped to it, was cuddly and loving and laughing at her cleverness.  At dinner the other night, your daughters demonstrated their karate moves that you didn’t even know they had.  They’ve been filling the house with laughter and annoying arguments and hugs and moments of tenderness and you are grateful for that.  DD1 asked you one night what exactly was the day that grandma passed and you had to pause, you knew it was a Wednesday, but you had to look up the date.  And she asked if one year from the date, if everyone could take the day off, no school, no work, and we could all be together and your heart filled up to the brim and you said of course.

Your hubby has been kind and supportive and also stressed in his own way about work, health, life, but for the most part, all is well on all fronts.  He just sent you some beautiful flowers at work though (which you asked him to do, lol, but hey nothing like being upfront and you know your mom loved flowers so much and you miss her) and you are thankful for that.

There’s a part of you that is snappy and growly and so you’re working on that.  Example—you tell hubby you’re sad about your mom, and he holds your hand, then reaches for his facebook.  You are snappy and grumpy because he is constantly ON YOU for being on your phone when you’re together, so this kind of stuff drives you bananas.  Plus, you know he lovingly cares for you, you’re just tired of the little hypocrisies here and there and actually, you know hubby gets it and understands (after he fights with you about it for a little while), it’s just exhausting to have to explain and go through this process. 

You realize this is not the end of the world.  And in the grand scheme of things, life is going as it should be, and is pretty decent.  Maybe you’re in this mood, because your brother has been in touch with you this week and is sending your portion of the remains of your mom—her wish to be cremated—finally, so you can take the moments with your family to take your mom to all the places she loved when she visited you all those years, until she had to stop traveling due to her condition.  Yes, maybe that’s what’s unnerved you and put you off kilter.  And not getting sleep.

I love you, Jane.  I’m sorry you are hurting and I love and accept you.  It’s okay to have anxiety and fear and worry.  It’s okay to have all those feelings.  One day it will get better.  Right now, it’s okay to tread water.  If you have read the internet some more for some distraction, go ahead.  I know you are capable and responsible and you are smart and loving.  I’ll be here.

Love,

Me