Remembering 9/11, the path I’ve been walking, and some COVID coping…

9/11 Memorial fountain

I can't believe it's been 19 years since 9/11.  Last year, I was fortunate to take my family to see One World Trade Center and the 9/11 memorial fountains, which are immense in their beauty and expression of the collective grief of what happened that day.  I'm including the link to the 'top 10 secrets' about the memorial that are moving (I especially connected with the story of the "Survivor Tree").

I can't help but think of all the challenges that we're facing of late and circumstances that we've encountered as we navigate this COVID-19 pandemic.  

This is part of why it’s been so difficult to keep up and record life on the blog—concerns about health, safety for my family, then my staff at work, my friends scattered like seeds on a breeze throughout the country.  Parenting kids who were suddenly in virtual school, navigating telework schedules because of no childcare and then spring turned into summer (and summer break).  Disclosures of the girls’ father’s temper tantrums that escalated earlier this year and supporting my youngest through it all...

Navigating coparenting with said ex-husband whose emails get bitchier and more accusatory as time goes on (how is that possible, lol??), and managing the PTSD that comes up with dealing with his negativity and nastiness.  My shields were just getting thinner and thinner.

And hubby having his own breakthrough in therapy and realizing his issues about his parent’s infidelity have everything to do with his (unfounded) insecurities with me and my (healthy) friendships and (very limited, due to COVID) time away from him.  Being on top of each other 100% is insane, like some days I want to run back to my office, lol!

Protesting in support of Black Lives Matter, and swimming upstream in my professional organization, attempting to make meaningful change to systemic racism in the workplace.  (Very fortunate that there are allies and supportive folks in place, but how do you actually dismantle racism? There’s no quick fix, so have my learning hat on and doing my best not to f!# it up—listening and empathy is a key first step). 

Being thankful also to have a job and be employed when so many have lost their jobs…how lucky we are to have financial support in terms of 401(k) plans and savings and income… 

Both girls have now entered a new school year and how is it possible that I have a high schooler in the house?  Omg!!  Doing my best to give them space and also always be there for them, so they know they’re loved, at the same time, putting boundaries on sh*++y behavior, because who isn’t acting a little sh*++y given the circumstances? 

Some days I wake up ready to face the world and this pandemic and the political craziness of my country.  Other days, I want to roll over and go back to bed.

Putting one foot in front of the other has to be enough.  It may not make up for the losses of 9/11 or the suffering on this planet, but being alive is our gift of the present, even it's sheer luck we're here together.

COVID-19 Coping strategies that have helped:

Exercise—so key for me:  Yes, I’m one of those annoying people who work out almost every day.  It improves my brain so much—I see it as driving the clouds of depression away by the wave of my arm, or weights, or running stride.  (Surfing, when I can dawn patrol before work, is just the best for combatting negativity and reminding me that the world can still be beautiful). 

COVID-Cocktail time:  After work and before dinner.  I tried to restrict this to just the week end…lasted about two weeks of the last five months, lol.  Honestly one cocktail will do it, usually with the hubby and facetiming with a friend before dinner—has been so much fun!  (Sometimes, having a zoom cocktail hour, too.) 

Staycation time (kind of a miracle we were able to do this):  we were able to take the girls on a covid-19 staycation at a friend’s COVID-19 cleaned condo by the sea for a few days, we even brought a BFF for each of them for an overnight, so they could have friend time.  

Also, hubby and I got a sweet sweet deal at a fancy resort hotel for a few nights, right by the ocean.  Everything but the room and housekeeping was closed, so it was like “glam camping,” we brought a cooler full of snacks and drinks (they did refill the cooler for us every day), and with the microwave, we basically hid away from COVID and relaxed and swam and read books and had lots of quality time together.  That will be the only time we do this until he goes back to work full-time, but the deal was just so amazing and too good to be true (half of what we’d pay under normal circumstances). 

Reading:  Been escaping by reading both light (Reapers, Inc series, urban fantasy young adult) and heavy books (White Fragility, hands down a great explanation of structural racism—how it came to be, how it’s perpetuated…and I hope on what we can do about it, but I’m only 50% through).

Netflixing/Priming/Disney+:  A couple recent fun movies, Booksmart, Overboard (remake, which apparently got terrible reviews, and while the beginning was shaky, I was charmed), The Hustle (also a remake--Dirty Rotten Scoundrels), and binging on Umbrella Academy.  The second season of _The Boys_ is out, but Homelander is so awful, I don’t think I’ll make it.  And…if you want something to truly escape and walk you down nostalgia lane, Cobra Kai!  Cobra Kai started out on Youtube, then Netflix picked it up—it basically picks up 20 years after the Karate Kid, and if you make it through the first few (super short) episodes, you will be hooked!! (Again, if you’re nostalgic for the 80s, lol, this is not fine art!) 

Meditation:  I’ve been using Insight Timer, an app that has free guided meditations from everything to sleep to relax to connecting with your intuition.  You can choose your time frame (5, 10, 15, etc  minutes) and filter by voice, background music, and more. 

Ode to Little Sister Growing Pains in a Divorced Family World

mother-daughter tattoo link

Dear Little Sister,

You are developing faster than your big sis, in part, because you have a big sis.  You want to be cool and wise and older like her, and at the same time you love hugs and jumping on me and being silly.

But I see you struggling to want to grow up.  I see you practicing with your words, trying out your voice to be like your sister’s, except she’s emulating the struggle of teenage adolescence and not always getting it quite the way she means.  Or sometimes she’s just mean.  Because teenagers are mean.

So then you become mean.  And I don’t even think you realize it.  And so I told you today to be very careful with your words.  Like the other day, after you overheard me talking to big sister about how to let me finish speaking without interrupting—and she continued interrupting, I asked her to stop it and let me finish.  Big sister and I finally worked out what was happening, and then she washed her dishes and went upstairs to do her homework.  I asked you how you felt when you overheard that, and you said I was ‘yelling.’  And I said, really?  That’s what you heard?  And you said yep.  And when I told you, sister, I was talking just like this.  Does it sound like yelling to you? And then you said, fine, you weren’t yelling.

This worries me—did you really think I was yelling, when I wasn’t?  Or, maybe, because you are similar to me and you can pick up every feeling in the room, you ‘felt’ like I was yelling, because big sister was using her mean voice and I was asking her to be more respectful.

Then this morning, on the way to school, everything was fine, you were talking about how you love the jacket aunty bought for you that you were wearing, and I said that’s so nice she got that for you, and you asked me if I remembered what she looked like, because you couldn’t.  And I said, she had a nice face, one that looked kind, and I hoped she was coming back soon to visit you girls and dad, and you agreed and we bounced along into the car.  I played your favorite radio station and you were singing along.  I reached back to hold your hand and you patted it and then said you didn’t want to be a baby anymore and you wanted to be older.

And I said that it’s okay to just be you.  Then you said you didn’t want to be just the same little kid and you wanted to grow up and you said, I don’t want to be a spoiled brat and I was like oh honey you’re not a spoiled brat. And you got all worked up saying, in your mean voice, yeah mom I’m not a spoiled brat, you make me a spoiled brat because spoiled brats are when rich parents buy their kids everything they want and you buy everything that I want.

And I paused, and I said, honey, please be very careful with your words.  You have to choose your words wisely, like the other day, when you said I was yelling and I wasn’t.  Words can hurt so that’s why you have to be very careful.  You were upset and I asked you if you were listening, and you said no, with your  mean voice.

So I said fine.  And then I said, I get you what you need, but I don’t buy you everything you want, I couldn’t possibly afford that.

You were angry with me, I saw your upset, scrunched face and then it was time to be dropped off.  And I’m sitting here wondering what happened, in one minute everything was fine and lovely, and the next, was it because I reached out my hand to you?  You got all triggered and upset and now I feel like the shittiest mom in the universe.

Because it’s later, now, and I’m out of that moment, and I’m seeing the bigger picture…you just came home from dad’s—after an extended time with him.  He is angry that the time swap negotiations didn’t go ‘his’ way (he has a warped vision that my giving him more days than he’s ‘losing’ is a lose, because one of the days that he’s giving me is a date that I actually asked for two months ago…)

And I’m wondering if he’s taking it out on you.

Because you have never heard me say you’re a spoiled brat.  I can only imagine where you got those words from.

And you have never heard me say that one parent is rich (though you have heard him say that to you, as you and your sister have shared that with me many times).  Even though he flies you first class with his new girlfriend’s support, you have never heard me comment that he is rich or he spoils you.

I’m sorry your intuitive nature soaks up his words and thoughts and low opinions of me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t more patient and understanding of this struggle that you’re going through.

The one thing that I didn’t screw up, even as you stomped out of the car and didn’t want me to help you with your backpack, is that I was sure to tell you to have a good day, that I love you.

And as you walked into school, I could see in your face that you didn’t want to leave me with things upset, so I rolled down my window and said, bye, I love you!  (Not too loud, lol, because like your big sister you are starting to get embarrassed by this kind of stuff, and luckily, no one else was being dropped off right at that moment)  I know you heard, because you nodded and walked inside.

*****

p.s. Dear spirit guides and guardian angels and all the powers of love and light in the universe—please let my youngest (and oldest) always know how much I love them, how I accept them, how I wish for them to be at peace and know they are loved.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Flying over DC

I’m so excited to be taking my girls to DC and New York for our summer vacation! 

Part of this trip is work—I’ll be working in DC for four days, whereupon stepgrandpa and stepgrandma will be taking the girls around to see the sights.  I feel so fortunate and lucky to have such amazing inlaws who are devoting their time to us.  I’m kind of teary thinking about it!

Then, after I’m done with work I can join them on seeing the sights—I’ve hooked us up with some tours via our Senators’ offices—including the Capitol, the FBI Headquarters, and the Department of Interior Monuments tour (where they take you around on an air conditioned bus and fast track you to the sights!)  Of course we have to hit the Library of Congress and the Supreme Court, too, given DD1’s love of RBG, awwwww.

And then we will get on the train to the Big Apple!  Hubby is going to meet us in NYC and we’re all staying together in a swanky condo that he hooked up for us via a friend from work, along with his sister who is flying in.  I’m hooking up with my childhood friend and her family as well to see the New York sights, such as taking the ferry to Liberty Island and the Bronx Zoo, and we’re also planning on checking out Central Park, Broadway (Hamilton!!!!), the New York Public Library, the Natural Museum of History and more!  And lastly, Hubby’s brother and sister in law are taking an adult week end for the last portion of the trip so we are getting New York time and family time together!

So…that’s what’s on the agenda and also why I’ve been silencio on the blog—prepping for work (actually it will be non stop for a few days work-wise), the family trip, and more!

Dear Universe,

Please let me be the light I want to see in the world—please help me be supportive and a positive influence for my colleagues and also please help me do a good and effective job on the work portion of the trip.

And then, please watch over us as we travel to new cities for the first time (for my girls) and please help us just enjoy the time we have together and be the love we want to see in the world, too.

I’m so thankful and grateful for this time together.

Love and hugs!!

Jane

Proud Mama Moments While Coparenting my Tween

Big-Little-Tree

The other day on the way home from school, fighting traffic with DD1 riding in the backseat, DD1 nonchalantly announced that she won an award and there was going to be a ceremony at school.  It went something like this:

DD1 (fiddling with her phone music keyboard game):  I-won-an-award-and-there’s-a-ceremony-and-dad-wants-to-go-does-that-mean-you-want-to-go-too? 

Me:  Wow!  What kind of award, sister?

DD1: A writing award.

Me:  That’s great, DD1!  I’m really proud of you!  And there’s a ceremony?

DD1: Yes-it’s-before-school-dad-says-he’s-going-does-this-mean-you’re-going-too.

Me:  Well, of course I want to go, sister.  I need to know more about the award and the ceremony, though was it announced?

DD1: I got an EMAIL.  And I didn’t think you could go because you have to be at work!

I could tell she was struggling.  Having two households can be stressful.  At the same time, I had no idea what was going on and needed to learn more.  She continued to tell me that she wasn’t sure what the writing award was but that she was invited by an email and it was to include breakfast and a quick ceremony before school.  Also, she didn’t want any of us to go, but dad said he’s going so does that mean you’re going too.  Of course I said that I wanted to go, to which she responded with more sighs and stomping around the house.  Even A wanted to attend, but after all the stomping and sighing (tweens sure do stomp and sigh a lot), we came to the conclusion that while there are events to hang our hats on where all parents needed to attend (i.e. school-wide performances, graduations, etc.), perhaps this half hour ceremony before school was not one of them, given her reaction.

Later, DD1 confirmed other parents were also attending and we realized the ceremony was the morning that I was on carpool duty for drop off, so I let DD1 know that I was going.  When she spoke by phone with her dad on the phone later, she told him, well MOM wants to go now, so you can go too, I GUESS.  You know to be FAIR.

There were two more days to go by (including an overnight with her dad), so I let DD1 know, listen sister, if you REALLY don’t want parents to go, I’ll reconsider this, okay?  To which she just answered with a short:  IT’s FINE.

Then some sweet little surprises happened to let me know it was okay to go:

1)  She asked if I had a blouse for her to wear to the ceremony.  Then right before bed, she raided my closet and picked one out.  (gasp! We’ve gotten to the point where she wears my clothes!  Lol).

2)  When I asked if there was a place that sold coffee/tea at school, so I could hang out after drop off and before the ceremony started—she asked, why?  And I responded, well, I figured you wouldn’t want me hanging around you and your friends so I could go hang out somewhere.  DD1 thought about this for a while and later that afternoon, informed me: I guess you can sit with us, mom.  It’s okay.  You can sit on the side.  Just don’t be so loud.  (tee hee hee, what me?  Loud?)

3)  Arriving at school and at the tables where DD1 sits with her friends, her tweens nodded at me, and DD1’s BFF told everyone I was her “second mom.”  I smiled and said good morning and focused on playing Words with Friends, so as not to disturb the force.

4) Although, after talking with two of DD1’s friends for a little bit (careful not to be too loud), they decided they wanted to come with us.  So we all tromped over to the ceremony and sat together.

5) I asked DD1 if she wanted me to invite her dad to sit with us, and she shook her head adamantly.  But she didn’t object to me helping her catch his attention, calling his name and waving.  (I’ll follow up with her about that it’s okay if everyone sits together…)

6) When her teacher gave me a big hug and later, invited me to take a group photo of the winners, DD1 SMILED!  Awww…

7) It turned out DD1 was being recognized for her poem…and she let me READ IT.  And asked me what I THOUGHT about it.

8) We had a nice discussion about what the symbolism meant and how proud I was of her for thinking of it.  Also, why I thought it had been recognized out of the two grades it was represented.

9) She shared with me some of her other writing.  <3 o:p="">

10)  Later, we celebrated because I got out of work early—I took her and her BFF (“second daughter”) out for bubble tea and cookies before we headed home.

All in all!  A very good day in the life of a tween mom.  Heart full!!!!

Happy Two Days after Girl's day (3/3)!

Girls Day Origami

So today’s post will be a dedication to my two favorite girls—big sister and little sister, love letters for our day in the life.

Dear Little Sister, a.k.a. Tough Girl,

Let me tell you about why we are calling you “Tough Girl.”  Yesterday, you got whacked in the head not once, but TWICE, at tennis practice.  The first time, because you ran close by another little girl and boom came the racket on the top of your head.  You recovered pretty quickly.  The second time, you were too close to someone who was practicing her serve, and BOOM, you got hit in the eye.  You were sobbing and crying and covering your eye.

When I came rushing over with an ice pack, you cried and cried some more and I wrapped you in my giant sweater and just held you.  And you asked me if your eye was going to fall out.  And I just kept hugging you and said absolutely not, your eyeball was going to stay right inside your head.  And we just kept cuddling and then finally you asked if we could go home already and I was like absolutely.  You also told me you didn’t want to go to school and I quietly told you we’d see.  But for now we were just going to keep an ice pack on and it would help make your eye feel better.

You sat at the dinner table with an ice pack over your eye and then you asked me for an eye patch.  I made one for you out of an old Delta sleep mask that they hand out on the plane.  About halfway through dinner, your spirits improved, and you started asking me about slime and how we make it.  Then you took off your eye patch and you slowly opened your eye and I told you that you looked pretty tough.  So then you wanted to look at your eyeball and then to take a selfie and you made a “tough girl” face.  And then you decided you were going to show me this dance that you had made up with your BFF at school, called the “horse-what-are-those-straps-that-humans-use-to-guide-a-horse-mommy?”  And I answered, “reins”?  And you said, Yes!  This is our “Horse-Rein” dance.   And you wiggled and shimmied all around the living room and I couldn’t stop laughing, because you said, “and this is my horse rein’ face too” and you made an epic silly face.

Moments later, apa came home from work, and you ran over to show him your “horse rein” dance.  And you gleefully told him how you were a TOUGH GIRL and had gotten whacked twice, but mommy says I’m a TOUGH GIRL and you made strong arm muscles to show him.

So by the time it was bath time, you were singing and splashing around like there was no care in the world, and when you did your nightly call with your dad, you also proudly told him how TOUGH you were.  And that even though you got hit, you STILL LOVE tennis.  (awwww).

Later, we tucked in goodnight and said a prayer for everyone in our family, and also that we hoped your eye would get better, you asked me to kiss you all over your face, but not my eye mommy, and I prayed that you would have only good dreams.  And in the morning, you were right as rain, and you bounced out of bed ready to go to school.  You kissed me goodbye and my heart is so full because of how much I love you. 

P.s. and just a note: you won your very first tennis match, singles and doubles last week end, and we are so proud of you!

-----

Dear Big Sister,

You are getting older now, in intermediate school, and you keep a lot of your feelings to yourself and I'm doing my best to respect your space.  At the same time, you are sure to tell me if I annoy you or if you’re frustrated with how annoying I am, lol, so I’ve learned to roll with the punches.  When you’re in a good mood, I just cherish those moments, because you are physically a half an inch shorter than me and will likely grow taller, and I’m realizing how fast the time is flying by now that you’re a tween.

Yesterday, well after little sister’s tennis brouhaha, I picked you up after YOUR tennis—where on the way home you proceeded to tell your dad on the phone that you wanted to scold little sister for standing too close to the other players.  (I interpreted that to mean that you care about her and didn’t want her to get hurt, awww.)  You and I also had a quick talk about the weird Momo video that’s making the rounds via youtube, and you let me know that dad already addressed it being a fake filter or something, but when I shared that little sister’s vice principal had shared it with all of the  students, your ears were listening.  All I said was that if you did see something weird, and that something weird tells you to do something that hurts you or others, to talk to me or the closest parent available immediately.  And you agreed (without rolling your eyes) and asked why that person hasn’t gotten in trouble and I answered, because they haven’t found them yet, but hopefully they would soon.  The most important part was to tell someone if you see it.  There might have been a shadow of eye rolling because I repeated myself, but that’s okay, I understand.

When we walked into the house, we discovered that apa had eaten all of the broccoli, and you said you’d give him a pass even though that's your favorite (I was the one that was more lit up about you not having your broccoli, lol, and btw I love that you love broccoli), and then you quickly downed three bowls of my home-made chili mac and cheese.  (Not counting the one bowl that you ate before practice).  I love making your favorite dishes and seeing you eat heartily—with tennis practice and your hectic school schedule and you being on the verge of getting a cold, we need to keep you healthy and full of good food!

You were psyched when you found a home made pound cake in the fridge and you asked if you could have that piece too.  We sat at the table with you, I made little sister turn off her ipad since she’d already eaten, you asked apa about his day at work.  And we all shared how our days were and for fifteen minutes, I just enjoyed being next to you (I didn’t say this out loud, because it would be EMBARASSING to you).  I shared some girls day treats that I had picked up on Sunday—little favors from an afternoon tea in boxes with “Love” and you thought they were so cute; as well as chi chi dango (rectangular rice cake) and there was a blue one, your favorite color.

It turns out one of my friends knows your math teacher, so you were asking who she was and when you saw a picture of aunty, you remarked on how pretty she was.  And when I said that Aunty wanted to come over and have a mani/pedi party with us, you thought that would be fun.  Then it became time to do homework and the only minor tussle we got into before bed was that I was hassling you to brush your teeth already, because I didn’t want you to stay up too late.

You mentioned that one of your aunties asked if you had any crushes, and I tried not to act too interested when I answered, oh really?  And you said no and halfheartedly wondered why she'd asked, and I said, well, probably because we know A (Aunty’s daughter) does.  And you laughed, because we both know it’s true.  And I said well, if you do have any questions or a crush…and you rolled your eyes and was like I won’t be telling you!  And I answered, well, I’m here for you anyway, and you tucked into bed and you had some snuggle time with our sweet dog as we said our evening prayer. 

I said goodnight to you and I kissed your forehead, like I do every night, because even though you don’t really hug me much anymore, I’m doing my best to show you affection on the regular.  Because I love you with all my heart.

This morning, you weren’t even that grumpy for getting up early and asked me nicely to help get your breakfast.  And you and Q were the only two awake in the carpool and you were playing a trivia game, and the two of you were singing along to the tunes I had on Pandora, which made my heart all smooshy.  (The other two kids were fast asleep). 

The last words I said to you when I dropped you and the carpool kids off were I love you and have a good day at school—I may have imagined it, but I think you nodded and might have smiled.  (But it’s okay if you didn’t, because being a tween is hard).

Love, Love, and all my love,

mom

Thankful

After a whirlwind of Halloween festivities, we are now ramping up into the holiday season, woo hoo!

Just a friendly check in at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive to share some random positive happenings and why we are feeling thankful:

• Big sister made it onto her tennis team at her new school and won her very first “official” match for her team.  Yay!
• Little sis has proudly shared with me that she has another “wiggly” tooth.
• An impromptu bbq for a friend who returned home after a two year sojourn overseas, including home-made delicious food, wine, children friendly snacks and games, children running all over the house laughing, complete with our host performing magic card tricks and a spontaneous karaoke party! 
• A giant double rainbow appearing over the sky when we came home from work/school the other day.
• The mid-term election brought in a wave of change for the United States, and to those who say there was no blue hurricane, I say, it’s evolution not revolution, and we are at least heading into the right direction.  Keep up the faith!
• I went surfing for the first time since being hit by a Ford Explorer!  And while I still have pain, catching those waves was an amazing, healing balm to the soul, and I can’t wait to get back into the water!
• I’m finally fully staffed at work, with our newest hire starting nearly two weeks ago, and things are looking great.
• Hubby’s family is flying into town on Friday, and I’ll be hosting our Thanksgiving feast next week and couldn’t be happier to celebrate by cooking my mom’s and grandmother’s recipes!  Can’t wait for the step-cousins to have cousin time!
• Hubby has been texting me mushy love texts all day, lol, so I am thankful for being loved!
• Over this past holiday week end, little sis has been waking up and jumping in my bed for what we used to call “cuddles,” which we now renamed “wiggles,” because she wiggles around so much and we just end up laughing—sometimes, you just need to lie around and wiggle and giggle and be lazy in the morning.
• Feeling strong and confident in that my love for my girls will protect them.
• Knowing that the holidays can be both celebratory and at the same time, difficult and challenging for many (including myself).  I’m thankful for having the ability to accept both of these sides and also that I can offer a safe place through friendship, support, and love.
• Lately, I’ve been reconnecting with friends and loved ones that I haven’t seen for a while, and it’s like we just pick up where we left off—either trick-or-treating together, or hanging out with the kids playing while we’re talking story, or just “being” together.  The world can sometimes be our playground. And I’m so thankful for that.

What are the things that you are thankful for?  Or what are things that can be challenging?  I would love to hear and share!

p.s. we are thankful for the ocean

New Year: 2017

As I move into the new year with plenty of excitement planned, I think it is helpful to do the “recap” of what happened in the past year.  Shout out to Lisa Thomson for the idea!

January 2016: Began with musings on how to be a better person when embarking on this co-parenting roller-coaster ride, owning my shortcomings, and venting about frustrations.  Unfortunately, a year later, the frustrations are still present.  I hope my attitude is getting better at handling them, at least, today it is!

February 2016:  In February, I was still dealing with the passive-aggressiveness of his non-replies to scheduling swaps etc, but by the end of the month, I was embracing a stronger stance, not against my ex, but a stronger stance within myself in dealing with it all.

March 2016:  Shrimp.  And more Shrimp.  Cooked by none other than DD1 and the hubs.  Yummy!

April 2016:   I was still musing and worrying for my girls’ well-being, but a momentous occasion—stepdad and dad finally met, shook hands, and were pleasant at DD2’s end of the school year performance.

May 2016: Unfortunately, by the end of May, all pleasantries had been forgotten and I was dealing with more passive-aggressive nastiness. 

June 2016:  June brought about summer vacation, and I posted a how-to guide to dealing with when your kids are on an extended vacation with the ex.  I wasn’t as brave later in that month, but at least I was able to piece some useful information together to cope.

July/August 2016:  An awesome family vacation!  Which I didn’t get around to posting until August, lol, but it was so much fun.  I also coined the phrase “Anti-Exiety”  medication, which I was desperately in need of by the end of August, ha!

September 2016:  September marked another momentous occasion where our blended family sat together and moved from place to place together at DD2’s Back to School night.  I was humbled by the non-drama of it all, and loved that the girls could see every parent in their lives behaving with civility.

October/November 2016:  Unfortunately, the peaceful blended family front disintegrated as talks of Winter break time-sharing began at the end of October and were not finalized until December.  My DD1 was heartbroken about the election, but we’re going to participate in the Women’s March on Washington to show our solidarity (she asked me if we could do it when she learned about it) with the rest of the women in this country who are taking part all over the United States on 1/21.

December 2016:  The drama with the ex did not hamper an amazing time that we had baking cookies for Santa, and we also spent time with our Nana (hubby’s mom) over new year’s, who flew in unexpectedly (more on that soon)!

I guess one lesson I can take with me from last year is that while the co-parenting struggle is real, I can make it through in one piece. I can still show love for my daughters.  And our little blended family has taken many impressive leaps forward together.  Onward into 2017!  Let it be filled with love, joy, laughter, and blessings for all.

The Rather Anticlimactic Solution to Winter

Image credit here

Quick re-cap:  The girls winter break schedules are slightly different this year, complicating the interpretation of the decree of sharing the time by halves.  Further complicating matters is that Christmas falls on a mom week end, which the Ex vehemently objected to. 

Summary of compromise:  With the help of our coparenting counselor (and not my first wish) I offered to switch the week end so he could have Christmas Eve day and Christmas day (each parent has time on Christmas day) and girls would be with me for New Year’s week end.  I did ask for a couple days before Christmas, because the week end preceding Christmas is a dad week end, DD2’s break starts that Monday, and I knew the girls wanted to get some Santa cookie-baking with their BFFs plus holiday sleepover in.  I offered this at the end of October, and the Ex managed to drag it out through last week.  (Original conversation of winter break started end of September/beginning of October).

The Process:  The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, he sent one last email—that while he had “a problem” the dates because it “gives” me “days leading up to Christmas,” he “didn’t want to drag it out,” but also “wanted to confirm the dates before agreeing.”  I sent a positive, thanks for considering this response, yes these are the dates, I understand the difficulty as this wasn’t my first choice either.  And then I never heard from him—actually, technically still haven’t heard from him.

Le sigh.

I called the coparenting counselor, but couldn’t get a hold of her, because as it turns out she was traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday.  So, I sent one more check-in email over the Thanksgiving week end.  Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I still haven’t heard, so I do the, “if you have no further objections, I’ll proceed with the plan as guided by coparenting counselor” email.  I hear nothing back, no objection mentioned.

So…then, I’m stuck, do I go ahead and schedule work vacation/staff vacations?  Do I invite the girls’ BFFs over, do I really have the days?  Or is he planning something (which isn’t far from reality considering our lives past.)

(This is where I’d really like some antiEXiety medication. !!!)

I put in another call to the coparenting counselor and finally forward the email conversation/compromise to my attorney.  The next morning (this is now last Thursday), I finally hear back from the coparenting counselor, who tells me to send one more email, ie If I don’t hear back from you by 5pm, I’ll understand you’re okay with it.  So I do that.  Then, I hear back from the attorney who says, go ahead and plan, you gave him ample notice, it’s fine, it’s done, just confirm with him later.  (and I think, poop! I already sent the 5pm email and didn’t have to!).  However, I still don’t hear back from him by 5pm, so I figure now that I’ve got confirmation from the attorney and went with the coparenting counselor’s guidance, I’m good to go.  So at 6pm on Thursday, a good three months since we first started talking about Winter timesharing, it was finally done.

Good grief!  I’m semi-laughing at the absurdity of this!  Mostly just tired.  And in the words of my friend who has an ex with challenges similar to this—he’s just being a big ole obstructive poophead jerk.

However on the brighter side of life—I really am grateful that our house is decorated with Christmas –the girls helped me decorate the tree, the lights are up in the carport.  And bonus, DD1’s girl scout troop submitted their holiday wreath to the County Christmas contest, and they won the Judge’s Award, yippee!!  We’re taking the girls down to see it on Saturday.  Both girls marched in our little town’s Christmas parade, and they already wrote their letters to santa, swoon.  I’m hoping to squeeze in a Santa visit at some point, lol. 

I absolutely do love this time of year!  And while I’m sad the girls won’t be waking up in our house on Christmas morning to check their stockings, they will be spending time with us, and now that we have extended time over New Year’s, their step-grandma is coming to visit and stay with us.  So fun times!!

So there’s love and goodness in the world that I can be thankful for.