Dear World,
Maybe the kids are *not* all right. If there are any moms of teenagers out there (or mom survivors of teenagers), I would really, really be grateful for any words of wisdom. Especially if you are/were doing the two household situation due to a divorce (long ago). And especially, especially if your co-parent hailed from an abusive household and has not healed from it...
From this teenager mom: I need a hug. Or a million. And a vodka shot. Maybe more than one.
This heartfelt “letter from” series on The Guardian, sums up my insides exactly.
The context: For the last few years (even in COVID), I was able to pull off a birthday lunch for my daughter with her school friends, and this year, we discussed the same a couple of weeks ago. Last night, I realized that in a few days, said daughter would be off with her summer break time with dad, and I thought to talk to finish up her planning at dinner. She seemed hesitant at first, then blurted out that she wanted to do something small with us, and that she would do something with her school friends with dad. I did my best to react kindly, even as I was a little surprised, and continued to nod and say okay and sounds good.
After dinner, I thought to check in with her (apparently big mistake #1), and ask her about her thought process. My words: Hi honey, just thought to check in, can you please help me understand your thought process, only because a couple of weeks ago we had started working on her party over here and that is okay, just wondered? Her response immediately escalated into yelling at me about how she never made any kind of decision before, and that I didn’t trust her to make her own choices, and how dare I question her? It was such a strong reaction, I was taken off guard and the more I tried to soothe and say, okay, everything is okay, the more she agitated and upset she got.
I literally told her I think it is good she can have fun with her dad, or do fun things with him. I said it is 100% okay to say, hey mom, I changed my mind, I would like to have a party with dad this year and do something small with my old old friends over here. And she grimaced and said, well, OKAY MOM, I changed my mind and just want my three friends over here. And you don’t trust me and you just want to blame dad instead of trusting me to make my own decisions and to get out.
So, reading the room, I got out! When everyone calmed down, about an hour later, I had to check on her for the next morning commute (I make her breakie on the go). And in doing so, I reinforced with her and said, honey, it is important that you understand what is in my head about dad. Please don’t put your thoughts in there. I have always thought and still do think it is good that you can do good things with him; I am happy you are going on your trip with him to spent time with aunty (his girlfriend), I really like aunty, and have always supported you doing things with dad ever since you were a little girl. And she just said: OKAY.
And I thought, well…okay maybe it is okay? But it isn’t okay—because I learned later that her interpretation of events was that I was going after her and giving it to her and that I didn’t trust her and she is so tired of it all.
My heart still hurts about this; how badly my words have been misinterpreted and it doesn’t matter that I stood there calmly, using quiet words. I remember seeing this comedy routine from this mom who says that she angers her daughter just by breathing.
I’m trying not to cry my eyes out, because underneath it all, I know that her father has for years delighted in the manipulation of how unfair everything is in terms of his perspective of not having ‘equal’ time with the girls—even though it is for their own protection. And the girls have spent years taking care of him emotionally and tiptoeing around his temper. They painstakingly and repeatedly reported blow-by-blow accounts of what happens at our house (and I have heard him making sly and negative comments). However, in the reverse, they have never felt comfortable sharing what activities they do with him, even going to ‘secret’ beaches that they can’t tell me about because ‘it’s a secret.’
All my efforts to escape his abuse (physical and mental) and it feels like in this scenario, we have not escaped. All my efforts to be supportive, as best as I can, to never badmouth, to hear their worries and reflect them back with support and empathy, without ever negative talking their father, and to also react positively when they share fun things that they do? To be the ‘safe’ house, yet still, somehow, my words/interprets my words as negative and blaming and icky.
I know being a parent of teenagers is tough; I didn’t know that by saying I support your time with your dad would be interpreted as mom is after me and blames dad for everything. It is enough to throw your hands up and give up.
I know I can’t give up. But boy does my heart ache. I don’t think I am cut out for this teenager heartache.
p.s. thank goodness for therapists. She helped me understand that the bonds between child and mom will always be there. That it is normal for teenage girls to go off on their moms; also okay for me to say: hey I hear you are having a hard time and I am always here for you, but it is hard to hear when you are turning on me.
That she likely does it because she feels safe. But my heart hurts because of and also for her.
