COVID-19 Update

Easter in the time of COVID-19

Dear World,

We’re lucky to report that we are safe, healthy and well in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.  Girls have been remarkably flexible and resilient with the distance learning initiatives, and we are on a pretty regular routine with school work, down time, house chores, etc…—I’ve even hosted three girl scout meetings, lol! 

Our dog G LOVES that we are home all the time:  she snoozes by me as I telework, prances about the house with the girls in anticipation of and during our daily walks (at least a mile) through the neighborhood, or "helping" little sister with her homework (aka snuggling up to her while she's typing on her laptop). 

Teenager big sis carrries on in her sometimes surly and sometimes sweet way, her schooling continuing on, except it’s all done via distance, so her daily class schedules and homework schedule/load have remained the same.  Like a wise friend told me: you never know who’s going to wake up, the sweet 8 year old who loves to please, the surly pre teen who’s struggling to make an identity with herself, the actual teenager who is annoyed by the world and especially her mother…usually it’s a mix.  One day she can’t stand going on a walk with G, the next, she’s offering to ride little sister’s bicycle on the way back—because it’s uphill all the way, lol.

Little sister definitely thrives on a routine, and when she gets a little antsy or surly herself, a change of scenery (aka walking G) is huge—the physical activity of walking/running in the fresh air works a mini miracle.  Too much screen time, even for ‘learning’s’ sake, is still too much screen time for little kids.

As for my teleworking—it’s almost busier working remotely than in person!  Constant zoom meetings, phone meetings, daily supervision with staff; my crowning achievement this week is finally get all staff back on company computer equipment so we are streamlining our workflows, instead of relying on a hodgepodge of personal devices, and in one case a lone mobile device.  I’ve had one pretty big win related to work – reaching out remotely to help more than 100 times directly to folks in the community in one week, and I’m super excited about that.  Another initiative is developing, again focusing on helping the public, so we shall see how that goes, crossing fingers for some movement on that next week!

Easter came and went—luckily the Easter bunny arrived at our house to much joy and fun, and we colored eggs and also had an indoor easter egg hunt.  My DDs participated in our church Easter service via Zoom, where we had 61 participants, aww!!!  (And also where we waited with baited breath to make sure of no zoom bombers, apparently good Friday had one—I wasn’t there, but I heard about a naked butt, which unfortunately was NOT a cute butt by any means, darn it!  Seriously though, we locked down Easter with three hosts on the look out and instituted the waiting room, but still, relief didn’t come until service was over…and it was lovely seeing faces of all ages on our zoom, and the number of our seniors was amazing!)

All in all, we are carrying on as best as we can, social distancing, wearing masks in public, and venturing out rarely…my now and then run to target is one of my biggest joys, lol.  I’ve been exercising regularly which also helps with the stay at home craziness.

There has been a breakthrough with my youngest in terms of expressing her feelings with her father’s temper.  She disclosed to me and our family play therapist that his temper ‘scares’ her and all the different ways it shows up…triggered by the smallest actions.  I’m so sad and upset and weirdly unsurprised that she has to deal with this, but what really broke my heart is that after she shared with me, and then with our play therapist, she said:  now it doesn’t have to be a secret anymore.☹  ☹ ☹ More on that later, that is a post all into itself…

Lastly: I have to acknowledge our good fortune and luck that we have a roof over our heads, food to eat, enough toilet paper that we don’t have to worry, even though hubby is temporarily furloughed due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  I know without a doubt that we will get through this.  Hubby is actually getting on my nerves, lol, I keep hinting that he get a hobby!  But he’s also helping a lot with being a part time teacher to little sister, doing some deep house cleaning and rearranging that we always were going ‘to get to someday…”  Again, we are thankful for our privilege.

Sending out love and hugs and prayers to the victims of the pandemic, caregivers, and all first responders and essential workers, especially our doctors and nurses who are keeping us safe—so that I can be at home safe with my family.  <3 br="" style="mso-special-character: line-break;">

A love letter : to the divorced mom who is separated from her kids on a special day

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain and hurting and missing your little ones.  I know you’re trying not to think about not seeing your baby girl who is turning ten right now, and that you feel left out and sad.  You know in your head that it’s a good and positive thing she gets to have a birthday party with her father and his new girlfriend, that it’s his new girlfriend’s positive influence that is allowing this nice event to happen. 

It’s okay that you’re upset about the “injustice”—that the man who caused you so much pain and fear and continues to sow hurt and pain to his family is the same man who gets to be the “good and fun” dad who brings cupcakes to school and throw parties.  Yes it hurts and yes it’s sad.

It’s okay that you were crying, missing your baby because ten years ago, you were in the hospital giving birth to her, after he had driven your mom who was suffering with parkinson’s crazy with his no patience and snappy outlook.  It’s unfair you don’t get to see her today. 

Your head knows that you are always their mother and in your heart you know it too, it just hurts to be away from her.  Please be gentle with you, be kind and compassionate.  Let me hug you because I know your pain and fears and sadness about being separated from your children.  That you’re worried they will somehow forget that you love them.

It may not feel like it right now, but you will be okay, and this situation will get better.  Your daughter and her big sister are growing up, and the most important thing is that they know they are loved.  They always feel your love and support, even when the cranky teenager is being cranky, and even when energetic little sister is being extra.  That at your house there are rules and there is also room for mistakes, and there is always room for love and for healing.  There’s room for forgiveness and trying new things and being lazy and being active.  For working hard at school or at girl scouts and for relaxing playing with slime (sigh) or ipads (double sigh), and there is always room for dreams.  And hugging and patting our dog.  There’s room for sharing complicated feelings, like when little one shared some feelings about how dad’s girlfriend takes care of dad, you responded with love—that the most important thing is that dad’s girlfriend is nice to you and that you like her.  At your house, there’s room for all the feelings, happy, cranky, surly, silly, loving, laughter, kindness.  They will grow up knowing this like the air in our lungs, it’s just there.  At least, that’s the hope, and it’s a pretty good hope.

So hugs for you for hanging in there, and doing what you can to fill up the time while they’re away…keep working on your house and working on healing and take time to exercise and get into the ocean and the sun and spend time with your friends and loved ones.  They will be home before you know it.  Little one asked if she could have a birthday party with you, because she couldn’t invite all of her friends at dad’s, and so you will.  And a new day will come and then the next one with it, and they will be sleeping in their beds.  They will be asking you to help with homework, and wondering what’s for dinner, and if they can have nori for a snack or if there’s anymore rice in the cooker or if they can have some bacon for breakfast.  They will come and go and come and go and you know in your heart, your job is to always be there for them, and that’s a job you know you can and always will do. 

My heart is full of love for you and for them.  You are not alone. 

p.s. happy valentine’s day, sharing a little bit of love from my heart to yours.   

New Routes in the New Year

Let’s do this 2020! 

Looking back at the last few weeks of 2019, it’s been a pretty awesome transition to the new year so far.  My house filled up with love of family and friends via various visits and sleepovers and holiday fun, cookies galore, bonus fireworks ringing in the new year.

My surly tween spending sweet time with her nana (hubby’s mom) who was visiting, and little sister enjoying giggles and laughter with nana, too.  Lots of sleeping in and napping and trips to the beach and watching movies and playing games and eating all the holiday food.

More news has come out from the ex’s brother about the ex’s shenanigans—which feels strangely validating—but I’m doing my best to distance from the drama and just enjoy my time on this earth, with my rapidly growing girls.

Emotional habits are hard to break, but I’ve noticed the last couple of times that the girls have gone to their dad’s house, I haven’t curled up into a little ball of worry. 

So maybe that’s my resolution this year—whether you make them or not—and someone recently asked me if I do the resolution thing and my answer was:  if I have, I can’t remember? (Is this a side effect of aging? LOL!!!!)

But I do have a conscious thought and wish for this year:  to let go of negative thought patterns.  To let go of negative emotional reactive patterns.

To disrupt.

I want to disrupt the fear and anxiety that I’ve felt when it comes to the ex.  So I’m going to hold onto this peaceful distance that I’ve managed when it comes to him lately, and when I feel my head going to the dark space of worry and fear re: how he treats me and the girls, I’m going to disrupt that thought flow. 

And rise.

Above it all.

With everything I’ve got.

I’m not perfect at it, but I’ve done it a couple of times—it’s like I’m at the top of a slide and instead of going down the usual familiar path of worry and depressed thinking, I consciously choose to take the stairs, taking deep breaths and remembering that I can straighten my crown and put my best foot forward.

I’m seeing about applying this also to work, how to rise above the pressures of being the perfect boss, colleague and coworker.  The perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, woman in this world.

I’m looking at how to disrupt these familiar chains of thinking that have bogged me down for so long.  I’m tired of the weight, the tunnel vision, the familiar drag, like I’m swimming across a clear blue sea with a school of nets tied to my ankles.

What is that saying, for people who’ve lived through trauma and abusive relationships?  We accept the love we think we deserve--because the pain and the sadness and the anxiety and the fear have become familiar.  It’s what we’re accustomed to, so anything that’s not fear or worry is unfamiliar and downright scary.  Healthy love and healthy thinking, when it appears before us, is like putting a left handed glove on a right hand.  It doesn’t quite feel right.

I want it to feel right. 

I’m done with these old train tracks running over my heart and mind and soul.  It’s time.  2020 is about making room for changes, making room for different tracks.  I’m going to give everything I have to disrupt these old routes and try something new.  Hopefully, I’ll get to lay down new tracks, I can feel the winds of change behind me, as I’ve worked to rise above the drama for the last couple of weeks. 

Here we go, 2020!  Can’t wait to see what happens next.

Love and hugs,

Jane Thrive

What a Bright Time, It's the Right Time

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

All is quiet on the co-parenting front, dare I say, all is calm, and all is bright?*  Yes, with an asterisk. LOL.

Tomorrow, DD2 will be performing in her school winter songfest, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I invited her only living grandmother who is estranged from the girls' dad.  I also printed out and enlarged a picture I took of her and the girls, bought a frame, and along with the Christmas goodies we are going to bake next week, am planning to drop off to her with the girls on Christmas Eve. 

The girls step-nana is also in town for the holiday season, so there’s lot of love in our house this week!  I’m working one more day and then taking next week off from work and can’t wait to hang out with the fam and just do all my favorite holiday things:  baking, gift wrapping, hosting the girls great-cookie-baking-for-santa sleepover—three friends for DD1 have come over for the past seven years and at least one for DD2 for the last few, watching how the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 cartoon version, please) and Mickey’s Christmas Carol.  Then we pick a Christmas feature movie to watch and then the girls settle into a long winter’s nap (likely full of giggling and ipad/iphone games, lol, oh well).  I’ll be sure to post pics of our baking creations!

I also convinced DD1 to speak at the Christmas Eve service—she’ll be narrating some of the verses related to the birth of Baby Jesus, so adorable and cute, while the little ones act out in the pageant!  And I’m hoping that will be incentive for DD2 to dress up as an angel with the other kids her age.  They grow up so fast—DD1 would just roll her eyes if I asked her if she was going dress up as an angel.  Let’s hope DD2 can carry it on for a while longer.

Last minute Christmas shopping/food list:

Confectioner’s sugar (icing)

Food coloring (icing)

Rolled oats

Brown sugar

Sprinkles

Mini pretzels

That white bark that melts (from Walmart) to dip pretzels

Wax paper

More sprinkles

Call the butcher for rib roast cut, rib roasts go on sale on Sunday, yippee!

Frozen green beans

French’s onions

Cream of mushroom soup

Stuffing supplies: onion, bread cubes, butter

Eggs

Bacon

(because who doesn’t need eggs and bacon on a Christmas morning while opening presents)?

And don’t forget the sprinkles!

Just tucking in for the last stretch of holiday activity.  I honestly love this time of year and all the lights and the music and the songs.  Last year I really struggled, likely because the Christmas week the girls were with their dad, and also because the loss of my mom in early 2018 still hit so hard.  I still feel that grief but it’s not paralyzing like it was before.  And it’s fun to have family in the house all together.

My Christmas wish is for peace and tranquility—amongst all the chaos going on in the world, being still and letting the love shine through.  Sometimes I feel like we are so tiny, our problems so small in this big giant world, that it’s good to take a deep breath and remember that in the grand scheme of the universe, our troubles can and will pass.  Be like water and let ourselves flow on our path to healing.

*p.s. after much back and forth with all the parties involved with our case—attorneys, former attorneys, therapists, my trusted family and friends, I decided the best course of action was to let the ex know that in the spirit of the holiday season I had invited his mom to DD2’s school winter performance. I mentioned that he may have heard that his mom came to a tennis match last month and the girls enjoyed their afternoon with her and that I’m hoping to include her in the future when it’s convenient for her.  I figure this is worded in a simple and kind way—and out of caution that he can’t claim he didn’t know about it.  Now I hold my breath and hope he doesn’t rage and take it out on DD2 or DD1 when they are with him this week end.  Here’s to a Christmas wish that they are protected from his negativity.

p.p.s. Despite all of this struggle and psychological ‘warfare’ for lack of a better word that I live with, I came to an epiphany the other day—that while the divorce outcome didn’t result in harsher measures to keep the girls “safer,” I realized that in the end, it did ensure their safety in ways that I couldn’t have imagined earlier. 

Because he treasures his ‘face’ more than anything, he cannot physically hurt the children (or me) anymore, because he would look bad.  The world is watching, and even if he’s faking his father of the year face, at the very least, being forced to behave well is what’s the most important, way more important, than ‘winning’ a case.  He dare not lay a finger on them, as he knows the world is watching.

I just wish there was a way to help him regulate his emotions and psychological manipulations, whether purposeful or a side effect of his own traumas and injuries, they impact the girls (and me) in ways I wish they wouldn’t.

This is why I had that * at the beginning of the post.

----

Okay, back to the drawing board. 

As the folks in Who-Ville say, welcome Christmas, come this way!  Christmas Day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

(Most Wonderful)

I love the holiday season, I’m one of those silly, antler-headband wearing, Christmas carol humming, skipping along oohing and aaahing at Christmas lights people, running around with my Christmas cards and holiday packages.  And I haven’t even gotten to the baking part of the season!  LOL.

Anyway, the ex does not disappoint with his passive aggressive emailing and texting about the holiday schedule, or being a general pain in the butt whenever it’s possible.  I thought it couldn’t get worse than finding out he’s keeping the girls from his mom.  But!  He never fails to surprise.  Amidst the crazy conflict drama, an accidental text stream appeared in my phone.

Ex: Morning my love.  I hope you rest today (heart emoji)

(An hour later)

Ex:  Sorry wrong person

Me—embracing the spirit of the holidays:  Happy for you, (Ex’s first name)!  Happy Thanksgiving *smiley face*

Once I hit send, I immediately thought, oh no, was that crazy?  Then, oh well, too late anyway.  LOL.  It’s about choosing to be kind when you’re able to be, with no expectation about response. 

*****

As we come to a close of 2019 and gear up for 2020, I’m thinking of the things I’d like to let go and the things that I will embrace.

I’d like to let go of the knee-jerk anxiety that comes whenever I get a text or an email from the Ex.

I’d like to let go of the social anxiety I sometimes feel when I’m at work or dealing with family pressures.

I’d like to let go of the Ex and that he moves away with his long distance girlfriend (tee hee).

I’d like to embrace peace and kindness and forgiveness—for myself and others.

I’d like to embrace balance in my work and family responsibilities—that I can feel confidence in the things that I know, and comfort that if I don’t know something, I’ll figure out a solution or a way forward that is best for the girls and for me. 

I’d like to embrace the journey—that the moment to moment experiences aren’t something I have to push through, get through, to ‘get to the other side’—that somehow living those experiences are the point, and the ‘getting to the other side’ is just a comforting stop on the way.  That the “happy endings” are really connections on the journey so that one day, we can look back and see a beautiful pattern of love and learning and acceptance.

I have a lot of embracing to do!  Let’s do our best.

Tis the season!

p.s. baby yoda!

Let Peace Begin with Me

(Peace)

First of all—Happy belated Halloween!!!  One of my favorite holidays--I love the festivities of dressing up, traipsing through our neighborhood with my girls and their BFFs, the laughter, the decorations (this year, we saw a house transformed into Hogwarts, with Aragog hanging off the garage and the flying car nestled on top of the tree in their yard)! Then, there is “the great candy exchange” that follows when we’ve come home:  the kids sprawling out on my living room floor sorting through their candy and swapping with one another.  (please give me the baby ruths!)

Secondly—with the passing of Halloween comes the new season of Winter.  (And the holidays!  Let the holiday madness begin.  I think I’ll work on our family holiday card next…muuu hahahahahaha.)

And then third(ly), this season brings along my birthday which arrived in a mixed bag of emotions.  Leading up to the big day, I was overcome with extreme emo sadness—sadness for the loss of my mom last year, sadness for another year passing when thinking of my birth mom, as I get older, the likelihood of connecting with her and any biological family becomes slimmer.  And then emo sadness for how my kids are growing up with such a shitty divorce behind the scenes.  How I wish I could make it a different situation for them, especially on the heels of last month’s stupid crap drama. 

Seriously, I was a big bag of sad.  Boo-hooing and having sad dreams and struggling just to get out of the bed some mornings.  Getting older is not for the faint of heart.

But when the actual day came, with lots of celebratory wishes, and kind gestures, and lots of love and hugs from people I didn’t even expect, beautiful weather, a special celebration with my kids and then with my hubby (at a fancy restaurant, where I ate so much my stomach hurt, lol).  And even today I was treated to a birthday lunch and there’s another birthday girlfriend and daughters date coming up next week end, and even a different group of girlfriends brunch date after that, and I just realized that despite all my sadness and despite all my anxiety and depression that I struggle through…this birthday thing is turning out okay.

One thing about being settled into middle age—and ironically, considering how I’ve embraced exercising on the regular over the last couple of years—there’s definitely more creaks and aches and physical pains.  Dang it.  Le sigh!

Also, regarding the sadness that caught up with me, I recognize it’s a combination of grief of loss as well as over lost times.  I call this “Nostalgia to the Infinite Power,” where I long for the experiences that have passed and stand so clearly in my memories, I miss the love and laughter from many moons ago, and long for my people who’ve been flung far and wide through time and space and age and life’s journeys, wishing they were near me again.  We didn’t know way back when, when we were close and adventuring into each morning and afternoon and evening together, that one day we would be separated as we are today.  I love them and miss them so much!

And that also makes me nostalgic for these moments shared today, with my people in my present, who I’m sharing this mom journey and this kids in girl scouts and/or sports and through school journey.  Breathing in and sitting still within these moments, even as I feel them passing through my hands, my fingers, my heart, I have nostalgia as we move from this moment to the next.

Driving home yesterday with my girls nestled in the back seat, we dropped of DD1’s bestie after spending a girls day with us from morning until dusk—and a random song came on the radio, I can’t even remember what it was.  But I heard DD1 humming along, and my heart just felt like it would burst straight out of my chest.  I just love them so much, my heart couldn’t contain it. And later, I told them both how happy I was about our day spent together, how mom’s heart was just bursting with love for them.

DD1, kind of rolled her eyes and said ‘that’s nice’ in her teenage voice.  LOL, as to be expected.

DD2, leaped into my arms for two gigantic hugs.  Awww.

And then off went to bed.  (Another night passing by.)

So while I haven’t solved my anxiety and grief and sadness about the life I’ve lived before, and while I’ve learned to cherish moments of love and happiness in today’s world even as I recognize and accept the pain from yesterday, I realized that I can be at peace.

Maybe it won’t last forever, but right now, I’m picking up my shards and glass and placing them side by side and hoping for the best that peace can be in my heart.  Along side the love.  That I can be the peace I wish to see in my world. 

Happy Fall into Winter and Happy Birthday to you.

Love,

Jane Thrive

Merry Christmas Eve! (and a Christmas Wish)

What a week end before Christmas!  We are so excited to celebrate the holidays—with our pals and our annual Christmas cookie baking—recipe passed down from my mom and her mom, along with their home made icing recipe.  The Christmas cookies aren’t just any type of Christmas cookies—they have a touch of vanilla and lemon which sets them apart.  We also bake what we call “margerites”—which I pre make before the girls arrive; one of big sis’ BFF looks forward to eating them every year--they’re these bite-sized oatmeal, brown sugar min-muffin goodnesses with chopped pecans.  I have vivid memories of eating them every Christmas with my mom, polishing off almost a complete batch; and now big sis’ BFF does the same.

After we exhaust ourselves rolling out the dough, cutting out the cookies, baking, then icing and sprinkling, I order pizza in and then we all settle down for our annual Christmas movie watching with the lights down and using an LCD projector that spreads the picture on the wall.  Our faves:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 1966 cartoon version)

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (also animated, 1983 version)

And the feature pick this year—Home Alone

(I realized that I hadn’t seen Home Alone from start to finish and thought it was pretty funny!  The annual feature rotates—last year it was the Polar Express which was a little weird, and honestly can’t remember the feature picks from years before, lol!)

At any rate, as the girls get older, I’m seeing different age related changes, i.e. big sis and friends politely asked me to put on K-pop instead of playing Christmas carols (ahhh! Tweendom is here!)!  I relented, but only after we compromised that while little sis and her friend were in the room we’d play holiday music, so I could (in their words) imprint Christmas music onto their souls.  Big sis and friends hardly need any supervision—I can just give them some dough and a rolling pin and they’re off and running; I can focus on the littles, helping them roll and cut out and carefully transferring cut outs to the pan without beheading angels or mangling up stars (which I don’t actually mind, but they insisted on “not killing” the angels).

The following morning, we made pretzels dipped in white chocolate and sprinkles galore (so to use the leftover cookie sprinkles)…and oh how many sprinkles were all over the house!  I then put on a Netflix movie so they could chill out before being picked up, and found a silly holiday gem of a movie called The Christmas Chronicles.  Kurt Russel as St. Nick and a surprise appearance of Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus at the end!  This may be our feature pick for next year.

One advantage of big sister and her pals getting older is that they can help with all the cleaning, big sis even vacuumed!

After everyone left, the girls and I took a power nap, because we had plans to go see Mary Poppins Returns with our pals we’ve known since the girls were literally in the belly.  (One of my BFFs and I met at pregnant lady yoga in what seems like a million years ago.)  Big sis declared that while this was a good movie, the ORIGINAL was STILL the best.  (I liked Mary Poppins Returns—it made me nostalgic for the original Mary Poppins in the very BEST way). 

On the way home, the Christmas music loud and proud in the car, the holiday neighborhood lights blinking and glowing all around us, I realized that the girls were singing along to every song that came on.  I think my heart grew so much it was about to burst.  Bing Crosby's The Little Drummer Boy.  Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is coming to town (belting it out like we were at a rock concert).  Holly Jolly Christmas.  Do you Hear what I Hear.  Do They Know it's Christmas.  Just to name a few. Please let them remember and hold in their hearts these small happy moments in time.

A friend of mind posted that if she could have but one Christmas wish, it would be to wake up on Christmas morning to see her mother and father standing by the tree (they passed on years ago).  I realized I could have the very same wish.  I would be torn though, and I think my mom would understand, if I spent my one precious Christmas wish on my daughters—that they will always feel my love for them, no matter where they are, no matter when, no matter what. 

Wouldn’t it be lovely if could have more than one Christmas wish?  Let’s make our wishes come true, somehow, at least the ones that are created from love.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Tis the Season...For all the Feels

Image credit

The holiday joy and love and laughter are filling up our house at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive.  DD2 has written THREE letters to Santa, the Christmas tree is up and decorated, lights decorating our carport outside to add to the holiday cheer.  The girls’ santa cookie baking sleepover date has been confirmed with all four friends (yes, that means six giggling girls in my household the week end before Christmas, lol!!), and we just finished baking mini pound cakes for our schoolteachers and neighbors.  DD1 politely informed me that she could bake a batch of cakes all on her own, thank you very much.  And DD2 was so sweet, intently helping with sifting the ingredients before hand and after they had cooled, carefully wrapping each cake with care, lol!

As bright as the holiday cheer is shining all around us, equally as bright are my heartache and pain.  In the words of a good friend—the holidays uproot happiness and hurt all at the same time.  The older I get, the more this seems to be.

I’ve been trying to focus on the spirit of giving and making fun memories for my girls—and also breathing in and letting go of expectations and judgments on what the holidays are “supposed” to be.  I hurt in my heart and mind, missing my mom and my dad and all of the people I’ve loved and lost along the way, even the ones I can’t remember.  I hurt for the ones who might wonder where I am, and I hurt for thinking they might not care. Or maybe they do.  I hurt for the mistakes I’ve made and the pain I’ve caused, and I hurt from the scars that were given to me from other people.

In the morning, just before opening my eyes, I can feel the anxiety squeezing my heart and the worries ever present, prickling my skin just in case I’ve forgotten that I worry if I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m smart enough, or if I’m good enough, or if I’m worthy enough.

In an effort not to give into the hurt I see in the world and inside myself, I reflect what I do want to see, the love I want to see in the world.  It’s an impasse, sometimes, the hold of the worry and pain, and the desire to be the light.  I’m the knot stuck in the middle.

My mom taught me this saying that my grandma taught her:  use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.  It’s her no nonsense, no frills, bare bones way of getting through life.  It’s simple.  It’s strength.

I don’t have that kind of strength, but I admire hers.  My version would be:  cherish what you have and use what you have wisely, while also sharing your life and love with others.  And if something doesn’t work for you, let it go.  (I’m too wordy.)

My problem is in execution, I get lost in the hurting and anxiety, which I know is part of the healing marathon.  I wish I could be strong like her.  I miss her confidence in knowing what to do all the time.

And again with the words!  This post is a dedication to embracing the love and hope of the holidays as well as accepting and acknowledging the pain.  And how sometimes, it’s okay not to have advice on what to do with the complicated feelings that this means.  Accepting that I have both love and pain in life is not the same phrase as “love equals pain.”  That’s progress!

Sometimes, I wonder if we’re all just bouncing around in various states of healing.  In my youth, I think I was definitely causing pain because of my pain, and for that I’m deeply mortified and sorry.  Now that I’m older, I’m trying to be that change I want to see in the world, I want to be the light and be the love.