Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Dear Scotus,

Thank you for letting DOMA fall by the way side and allow the civil rights movement to move forward just another inch.  While our world is not perfect when it comes to equality, I see no reason to legislate how people love one another.  My wish is only that people love one another in a healthy way (see previous post), always.  I wish to raise my children in a world where they are free to make their own decisions, full of love, self-respect, and wisdom.  By striking down DOMA, now we have a little more room to do so.

Thank you again,

Thursday, June 20, 2013


one of my babies brought home a cold virus and has since recovered.  baby #2 and i have been on the couch watching 101 dalmations for the last couple of days.  which means i've also been perusing the internet.  and seeing some horrible things.  like some famous guy choking his wife in public, and she doing her best to calm him down.  <here> and <here>

then there's some research about how much violent porn is out there in the world, just clicks away <here>.  apparently 'rape porn' is all the rage and makes up 86% of free porn out there on the www.  just what a mother with daughters wants to hear.  i'm sure many of you enlightened ones out there probably already knew this, but growing up without an internet and youtubing every moment, i freely admit to being steps behind.

so i've been spending the last couple of days in despair about these two particular stories and the reason is that violence against women are so commonplace and accepted that i almost can't even get out of bed when i think about it too much.  of course ms. lawson was placating her husband when he displayed his selfish temper.  i did the same.  it's something we're taught to do--to be peaceful, to be helpful, loving, supportive.  that if somehow we are understanding enough, if somehow we can show a different way of handling our anger or troubles, then because of that love, the ones  who supposedly love us who 'don't mean' to hurt us, will change.  in the world of rainbows and fairy dust, that might be true.

in the world of violent rape porn taking up more bandwidth than food and clothing commercials, that is a bunch of horse shit.  it makes me so frustrated, and so upset.  how i can i be a mother to my beautiful daughters when all of this bullshit sexist culture stacks the decks against us? and if something terrible happens to my daughters as they grow up, it may get videotaped, youtubed, facebooked, and they will be harrasssed?  it's enough to want to unplug and run off to nepal.  except we would probably be trafficked, three women alone.  rawr!

i have a fantasy of my own--that somehow I could transform into a superhero and swoop in and catch the predators just before they strike.  to have the power to squeeze them as if they were in a giant boa constrictor, just enough so they feel real fear and pain like the fear and pain in the faces of their would be victims.  let them think they are about to die and just before they pass out, let them go, with a warning that they will be watched.

aside from some internal satisfaction, i don't know if that would actually solve any problem.  at least it would help me protect my daughters.

p.s. so my baby girl just handed me a doll and directed me to care of her because "she's sick" and "she's the big sister,"  my heart just melted a little bit. (mind you they have legos and cars and other toys, but yes, a doll or two may have managed to make their way into our doors) what else can i do but love my daughters and if i can't protect them like a superhero, do my best to prepare them for the future?  education, respect, self-confidence.  how i pray that will suffice.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

sunshine and shadows

sometimes i wake up and i can't believe in the new world that i've created.  i'm scared that it will collapse in on itself.  a life free of the terrorizing, the never knowing when the other shoe will drop. 

because, even while we have 'escaped' our abuser, in the eyes of the court, he is still entitled to being part of our family--he is still connected to my children.  which is complex.  of course i want the children to love their dad--it's never been about that.  it's been about making sure that time is safe.  and i know deep in my heart that my girls love their father, that to them, he is daddy.  just like i am mommy.  we breathe and we live and we hug and sometimes we feel hurt.  but children love their parents whether they hurt them or not.  and when they hurt who is there to comfort them...?  that is my job.  to care for my two little hearts.

the best that i can do for them is to build a home without the unspeakable, unliveable threats and terror.  the explosions that happened for no reason.  or for a reason such as a dropped grain of rice.  or for crying at the wrong time at the wrong space.  (how do you keep a baby from crying?  the answer--you don't. you just do your best.  but that's another conversation).

at any rate, sometimes i get bogged down.  laden with the weight.  as if parenting is not a full plate itself that i gladly sit down to every day, but living in the shadow of what used to a burden that i'm still working through.  the 'battle' is won, in terms of procuring our safety and protection.  however, my therapist has told me that even though he has 'lost' the legal battle--a battle of his own creation, since i tried numerous times to settle--he still has not lost his focused compulsion to gain control.  there has been a line drawn in the sand--he can no longer threaten us, break our things, swear and yell at us, beat up the family pet, push or shove the children--not in my house!  he can no longer call me and swear into my voicemail.  he can no longer send me threatening, accusatory emails.  instead, it comes out in educated nit-picky statements, the emails now contain subtle accusations, or his manipulative games with time-sharing...those are all ways that he digs his fingers in to control.  I call it negative campaigning.  he sends long novellas of information on how he is so wonderful and so concerned and of course includes two or three statements questioning my abilities (i.e. i forgot to pack something, i forgot to mention something, i have been negligent in buying shoes because the children complain about them--while they have never complained to me), then he cc:s the counselors involved in our case.

good ole, basic, negative campaigning.

so my job is--to live a life free from reacting to it.  my focus has been to 'disengage.'  if he sends me a long diatribe email--i glean the few things that deal with logistics of coparenting--pick up or drop off times, clothing/health/education of the children.  then...i come up with the fewest words possible to respond.  and my response may be five sentences.  or less.  sometimes, it can be:  hello, yes, i agree with a.  no, i do not agree with b.  sincerely,

the line has been drawn.  i am thankful for the distance.  and instead of trying to fight the negative campaigning to the people connected to us, i suppose i am writing about it here.  i ride the high road every where else.  here, i suppose i can ruminate about how it is so.unfair.that.he.gets.away.with.saying.stupid.shit.  enough said.

most of all though, i can see that my children appear to be adjusting well to the transition.  there is no negative campaigning on my part--having committed myself to never speak ill will for their sake.  that even though there is a terrifying past, the present, and the present of the last year or so, has been much improved.  perhaps the limited time assists in this--there isn't time for him to lose his temper.  his mother is always around, so she does the 'grunt' work.  that my sweethearts seem untouched by trauma...that is what i am most thankful for.

keep shining sun, please keep the shadows at bay.