sick

one of my babies brought home a cold virus and has since recovered.  baby #2 and i have been on the couch watching 101 dalmations for the last couple of days.  which means i've also been perusing the internet.  and seeing some horrible things.  like some famous guy choking his wife in public, and she doing her best to calm him down.  <here> and <here>

then there's some research about how much violent porn is out there in the world, just clicks away <here>.  apparently 'rape porn' is all the rage and makes up 86% of free porn out there on the www.  just what a mother with daughters wants to hear.  i'm sure many of you enlightened ones out there probably already knew this, but growing up without an internet and youtubing every moment, i freely admit to being steps behind.

so i've been spending the last couple of days in despair about these two particular stories and the reason is that violence against women are so commonplace and accepted that i almost can't even get out of bed when i think about it too much.  of course ms. lawson was placating her husband when he displayed his selfish temper.  i did the same.  it's something we're taught to do--to be peaceful, to be helpful, loving, supportive.  that if somehow we are understanding enough, if somehow we can show a different way of handling our anger or troubles, then because of that love, the ones  who supposedly love us who 'don't mean' to hurt us, will change.  in the world of rainbows and fairy dust, that might be true.

in the world of violent rape porn taking up more bandwidth than food and clothing commercials, that is a bunch of horse shit.  it makes me so frustrated, and so upset.  how i can i be a mother to my beautiful daughters when all of this bullshit sexist culture stacks the decks against us? and if something terrible happens to my daughters as they grow up, it may get videotaped, youtubed, facebooked, and they will be harrasssed?  it's enough to want to unplug and run off to nepal.  except we would probably be trafficked, three women alone.  rawr!

i have a fantasy of my own--that somehow I could transform into a superhero and swoop in and catch the predators just before they strike.  to have the power to squeeze them as if they were in a giant boa constrictor, just enough so they feel real fear and pain like the fear and pain in the faces of their would be victims.  let them think they are about to die and just before they pass out, let them go, with a warning that they will be watched.

aside from some internal satisfaction, i don't know if that would actually solve any problem.  at least it would help me protect my daughters.

p.s. so my baby girl just handed me a doll and directed me to care of her because "she's sick" and "she's the big sister,"  my heart just melted a little bit. (mind you they have legos and cars and other toys, but yes, a doll or two may have managed to make their way into our doors) what else can i do but love my daughters and if i can't protect them like a superhero, do my best to prepare them for the future?  education, respect, self-confidence.  how i pray that will suffice.