7 Coping Tools I used when divorcing with small kids

Last week, I responded to a call for articles from DivorcedMoms.com and lo and behold, it went up today, hurray!

And while I still have co-parenting challenges on the imminent horizon--it was nice to look back and review and think about the tools that helped me cope when I first embarked on the divorced mom journey, tools that I still use today.

Please click (here) for more!

Happy Holidays and Getting through them after Divorce

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I'm over at DivorcedMoms with my latest article on tips for getting through the holidays as a single parent family.  Please come by and check it out. 

Holy moly, Thanksgiving is next week!  I need to stock up on my butter.  And stuffing.  And herbs. And spices.  Eeep!!  :)

Fumbling towards peace

Lately, I’ve been having a really hard time navigating our roller coaster.  In part, it’s the usual stressors of parenting and waking up in the middle of the night because someone had a bad dream.  Working full time with deadlines and projects and supervising staff.  Managing the manipulative Exie trying to encroach on my week end while using the ‘best interests of the children’ line, when it’s clear he’s talking about himself, not them.  Residual PTSD from the last hearing and bracing for the new one that is on the horizon.  My hubby back and forth in his support of me in all of this, in one turn angry and upset because Exie is getting to me, on another wishing some sort of justice on Exie, and finally getting my back when it comes to taking the high road and remaining out of the fray.  The fray is how you lose.  A better life is how you win.  Hubby dismisses this as ‘rainbow and unicorns’ when he’s upset, and when he’s calm, he is making steps to understanding that really is how you win…the better life.

In the meantime, I’ve looked back at the last year and see it full of happiness, and at the same time, full of strife.  Moving in, re-arranging the house, squabbles and fights about how to blend our family, how to handle the Exie.  On top of that, Hubby has been unhappy and stressed with his job, and he has made a great switch, which alleviates the old job stress and also adds new work stress, too.  He has his own baggage that he’s dealing with, and I had thought he was taking his own steps to deal with it, and he is, baby steps.

I have made every effort to include hubby in certain decisions, also been the dutiful wife in supporting him, but I will be frank—it’s exhausting supporting my girls and navigating through the thorn bush that is dealing with my ex, and constantly looking over my shoulder and/or reassuring hubby that he has a role in our blended family.  Standing up to his alpha maleness when he pushes because he thinks something is the right way and disagrees with me, and also allowing him to be heard, because he loves us, comes from a genuinely good place, and is a part of our family.  It seems I’m maintaining boundaries everywhere—with raising my kids, with the ex and his encroachment, with my husband in making sure my opinions are heard and valued as well as his.

We have argued and argued and argued.  I feel like we have taken two steps forward, for every one step back.  That doesn’t meant the steps backward are any less painful and frustrating, but at least we are moving forward. 

My gripe right now is that over the last few years, I’ve made efforts to be supportive and inclusive in his relationships with his coworkers and good friends—I feel like I have a great relationship with them and could actually hang out with them, even if hubby was absent!  My husband is absent from social media (which is a good thing, in it of itself—such a time suck!) and I’m friends with all of his friends and family out there in the netherworld.

However, despite my saying that in 2015, I would like him to be a bigger part of the children’s and my lives in terms of extracurricular activities, getting to know the girls’ friends family, my friends—it has not been reciprocated.  I go to the children’s events alone.  I understand that at first, it was to avoid exie and any altercation that might come up.  Well, it’s been over a year now, and I think it’s time to move forward.  He expects me to be there with him as a wife when certain events come up, he is now part of our family, and he should be supportive of the recitals, performances, ceremonies, too.  Part of it is to show the girls that the adults in their lives can all support them, and to role model civility with each other.  Part of it is so the girls can see their stepfather supporting them.  And part of it is—my situation is so complex, it would be nice to have my hubby there and supporting me, period.  I always have a brave face on, always civil, for the girls’ sake when going to the events alone, sometimes ex shoes up, sometimes he doesn’t, but now I’m married, I shouldn’t have to do it alone.  (sigh, I know I sound like I’m whining!)

Of course I CAN do it alone.  I just feel like I shouldn’t have to anymore.  And I don’t want to force the issue that hubby has to be best friends with my people, I guess that sounds petty, I just wish he would be his charming, lovely, kind and happy self with my people, too, so they can become “our” people. 

In the grand scheme of things, this isn’t so bad.  And in the grand scheme of things, I have to celebrate that my girls are happy, growing, thriving!  Big sister squirrel won an award at school for being an awesome, smart, motivated student.  Little sister ladybug just got over her swim class phobia and was swimming—even putting her face in the water at her last swim lesson.  They seem to grow an inch every day.  And our puppy is ballooning in size, too—she’s 30 lbs!  Her floppy ears and her froggy legs when she lies down generate hours of giggles and hugs and pats.

So I am thankful for that.  I think I’m just overwhelmed at this moment.  Thankful for the good things, frustrated at the things that I see as minor and major injustices, and at the same grasping and fumbling towards peace of mind and peace of heart—attempting to maintain tranquility.

Do I know that hubby loves us and wants to take care of us?  Absolutely. 

Do I know that my girls are growing every day into a better version of themselves—learning, living, playing, and loving?  I think they are.

Do I have a wonderful job that is fulfilling and makes me feel like I’m adding something to make the world a better place?  In every way that I can.

Okay, so I’m thankful, at the end of the day, at the end of this blog.  Just tired and worn down at the same time.

p.s. wish me luck, I have to see the co-parenting counselor today—have to talk over the private school and extracurriculars with her.  I feel my PTSD rising at the edges when I know I have to see her.

Interesting...

In the midst of DD1’s spring break fun—taking DD1 to the water park with her BFFs while DD2 was still at preschool (their schedules don’t match, and thought it would be nice to have a big sister only day!)—planning a sleepover and movie night, playing with our sweet little puppy:

I was delivered child support modification papers.  Since I’m a bit disorganized about checking my mail, I had one day to turn it all around.  Which meant hunting down childcare receipts for the last year, the W-2 from my second part time job, my four recent paystubs, la-di-dah.  Humbug!

As I was doing the information gathering, I was cursing under my breath a bit, i.e., really, ex?  You filed for a modification?  Based on what?  What a pain in my a$$.

Then, I went online to look at the child support guidelines and what did I find—voila, new guidelines that came into effect last month.  Oh.  Oops. 

Lesson learned:  sometimes, it isn’t the worst-case scenario that I thought it was.

p.s. there is still nasty legal letter writing going on the background, but for now, I’m letting my attorney deal with it.  Honestly, it’s kind of nice not to have to cipher through all the crap. 

Too quiet on the co-parenting front, so...

Well, it’s been a little too quiet on the coparenting front, so of course a bunch of drama blew up over the week end.

First:  DD1’s brownie troop marched in our little town’s Christmas parade on dad’s week end, but guess who ignored the RSVP request for weeks and then finally said no, because DD1 was “too sick” after seeing her for one day?  Context:  over the Thanksgiving holiday, we all came down with the plague.  It was nasty, there were fevers, there were antibiotics, but by Monday, all returned to school in good spirits and with good energy;  DD1 went to dad’s on Tuesday, coughing, but no fever.  In fact, both girls were at school the entire week.  DD1 was so excited about the parade because her BFFs were marching.  He had up to Saturday morning to change his mind, but guess what DD1 told me on Friday night over the phone:  “I’m not marching in the parade, because daddy loves me too much to let me get hurt.”

All I could say was, “gosh, DD1, did you get hurt last year?”  She answered no.  So I just told her I hoped she felt better, because there was nothing else I could do at that point.

p.s. guess who called from dinner out at busy restaurant Saturday evening, sounding all chipper and fine?  Yes, DD1.  The Ex wrote in the parenting notebook that she didn’t march because she was “too sick.”  Right.

Second:  On 11/19 and 11/26 I contacted the Ex about a potential birthday party this past Sunday, we’d been personally invited.  I had already owed him 4 hours of time for taking the girls to the school fun fair (he took them the last two years, coparenting counselor said it’s fine to let me take them this year).  So prior to finding out about the birthday party, I had offered make up time over the winter break, to minimize the “back and forth” which is so hard on the girls, especially DD2.  He could just keep them for the day on 12/26/2014, since they would be there Christmas overnight anyway, and out of holiday generosity, I offered the entire day.  

Well, then I found out about the birthday party, and I ran my proposal by the coparenting counselor—if she thought I could add the party, plus travel time, 3 hours to the 12/26 time.  School fair make up time (4) plus party time equals 7 hours, so he would still come out ahead.  Coparenting counselor said she’d talk to him about it, as it was “a good deal.”  However, guess who missed his appointment with the coparenting counselor?

So cut to 12/1 follow-up.  Then 12/4 follow-up.  No response.  I’m texting my girlfriend back and forth, who unfortunately went through similar co-parenting nightmares with her hubby, when her stepdaughter was young (who is now in college), and because of this is so understanding about the entire situation.

I get an email at 1:18am the day before the party that I can take the girls, meet up at 1:30pm, but demanding “overtime” on 12/26 if we exceed the party of time of 2 hours.  I respond, thank you so much meet you at 1:30pm.  I do not respond to the demand, since there are three weeks to go and wanted to work it out with the co-parenting counselor, the most important part is that he’s letting the kids go.

I get to the meeting spot 10 minutes early, and text him to let him know.  Because it’s holiday shopping time, the parking lot is a mess.  I get texts demanding that I agree to overtime or he will not bring the children.  I respond with the formula as explained above.  He tells me he refuses to bring them unless I agree to his demand.  I ask him that I shared my thoughts and since we disagree, let’s work it out with our co-parenting counselor, but not to keep the children from the party.  He refuses to bring them because, “I don’t want u to think you can have the kids all day.”  I respond that it’s not about me, but about letting the kids enjoy the birthday party, and that we are already late, and I would bring them home promptly at 4pm.

He accuses me that he’s late because I won’t respond to the overtime.  I again ask him to please continue the discussion with our coparenting counselor.  He refuses, he wants more time above and beyond the 2 hours of the party.

I finally respond:  travel time plus party time equals 3 hours.  If we exceed 3 hours we can add the time to 12/26, and you will still have an extra hour.

I sit in the parking lot with no response, wondering if he will show up, trying not to cry.  Couldn’t we have had this conversation on 11/19, 11/26, 12/1 or 12/4?  I call my attorney to find out if there’s anything else I can do.  Nope, just wait for a half an hour and hope he shows up.

He finally shows up.  I load the kids up and we head to the party, and after we’re on the road:

DD1 says:  Sorry we’re late mom, daddy said he had to have a discussion with you.

Me:  oh really?  Well, you know, I’m sorry about you worrying about discussions between mommy and daddy.  It’s not your job to worry about that, we’re taking care of it.

DD1:  Well, daddy is upset because we’re going to a party on his time.

Me:  Oh dear, well, try not to worry about that, sweetie, because over the Christmas break, you’re going to have a lot of time and even make up time for this party with dad.  So right now all we have to do is go have fun at the party!

DD1 (& DD2):  Okay!

Me:  Anyway, it’s not your job to worry about time with mom or time with dad.  It’s up to mom and dad to figure it out and we will.

DD2 decided to chime in:  And it’s A’s job, too!  (A, being my hubby and their stepdad)

Me:  Well honey, actually it’s not A’s job, his job is just to love you guys and me!  When it comes to time, it’s up to mommy and daddy and we will take care of it.

Both girls:  Okay!

(thanking myself they are distracted by hot chocolates that I got for them prior to pick up.)

We finally arrive to the party after a half an hour drive through the country, winding roads, passing horses stabled near a polo field, plenty of time to calm down after the heated ‘transfer.”  It’s so relaxing at this party at my good friend’s house, snacks galore, frozen decorations everywhere, watching the girls have a ball, playing games, making crafts, snowflakes out of felt.  Yes, it’s worth the drama, even though I’m watching the clock and making sure we leave as soon as the cake is eaten.  It was great to see DD2 with her BFFs scampering around the yard, giggling at the top of her lungs, and for DD1 to be the proud “big sister,” and hanging out with the older kids, too.  There were glitter tattoos and princess hairdos and crowns atop the hairdos, and cute pictures, all smiles.  The moms and I hung out and relaxed, and I reconnected with a mom who I hadn’t seen in a long time, who turned out to have gone through the nastiness of divorce at the same time as I did.  Funny how we just don’t talk about these things, until…we do.

Anyway, as with all birthday parties, the cake time was a little off, and we do end up leaving before the festivities are due to end.  My close friend the hostess offered to call Exie and let him know the party was running late, but I told her no need, it would only invite more vitriol, which she completely understood, and she lovingly sent us along our way.  DD1 was sad we couldn’t play longer, but I explained that it was time to go back to dad’s and that was the arrangement, and we had to follow through.

After packing up and heading back through the country and explaining again why we couldn’t stay to play “pin the carrot on Olaf’s nose”:

DD1: I wish you guys weren’t divorced.

Me:  I know honey. And you know, lots of kids in this world feel just the same as you do.

DD1:  Really? (hopeful rings in her tone, I can feel the door opening in her heart)

Me:  Yep.  And you know R’s and T’s mom? (the mom I reconnected with at the party with baby sister T, DD2’s classmate; and R and DD1 were inseparable back in the preschool days)

DD1:  Yeah…?

Me:  Well, they’re divorced too, and so they go back and forth between their mommy’s and daddy’s house, just like us.

DD1:  Really?  (sounding comforted—not that I would ever wish divorce crap on anyone, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone, and I think that’s what her voice reflected.)

Me:  Yep, and you know honey, being divorced, sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s easy, but no matter what, it will be okay.  We will always take care of you.  You are always loved. (inner kick to myself, since I can’t really make promises about dad, but at least I can stay upbeat.)  

DD1:  Okay, mommy.

Me:  By the way, I know it’s hard, but it’s not your job to worry about mommy’s or daddy’s time.  It will all work out and I made sure you will have extra time at dad’s this Christmas.  Your job is to do good at school and play with your friends and play and learn.

DD2:  And love everyone!

Sometimes I marvel at DD2’s ability to stay in the moment.  She cries when we transition from dad to mom, but after a few minutes, she is bubbly again-- drinking hot chocolate or coloring and all is well.  How does she do it?  My DD1 is older, more thoughtful, constantly taking everything in.

The girls came home from school yesterday, after their week end with dad, and I don’t know, it almost seemed they were relieved.  We had a grand night giggling and eating supper and cleaning up and signing holiday cards.  A had to work late, but he finally came home right before bed time, and both girls were so happy to see him.  DD2 said:  I love you so much, A!  and then asked him to carry her.  Then she said: I don’t like you A, I LOVE you!!  

My heart just about melted into a pile of goo.  And DD1 also hugged A and everyone cuddled a bit before bed time.  *swoon*

At any rate, when I was standing in the parking lot, not knowing if exie would show up for this birthday party that I had emailed him about weeks ago, I made another appointment with our attorney.  I don’t know what to do about this Ex, but I want to feel confident in the choices we make going forward.  I don’t want the girls to be pulled into the conflict, but he pulls them in.  He likes to pretend he is dad of the year, and when he is on “good” behavior, that is “good” for the girls.  He is also vindictive, manipulative, passive aggressive.  The tit-for-tat game, only he stacks it 5 against 1 if he can.

The thing is, I don’t tit for tat, I don’t play the game.  So what have I learned from the latest drama?  If it was all logical black and white, game playing it would be:  1) don’t offer exceeded time sharing, in the spirit of the holidays, EVER.  2) stick to the very word of the decree and don’t vary one letter, EVER.  3) refuse flexibility in the future should the opportunity arise, no matter what, because the drama is not worth it.

Well, I do agree with maintaining firm boundaries, but parenting, and life, needs some flexibility.  So, I’m reporting his behavior to the people involved with my case, but I’m not going to let it ruin the birthday party, or ruin my day or my choices.  Yes, he is frustrating and such a pain in the rear.  But he doesn’t hold the keys to my happiness.  And it’s my duty to protect my girls’ happiness, too.

So the real lesson learned:  Vigilance can never end.  Love up my girls.  Let them have their feelings.  Pick and choose my battles in the future with the Exie.  Figure out how to work around his craziness so it affects us the least.

Over the next couple of months *knock on wood* life will march on with a normal schedule.  No special requests for exchanges, so let’s hope everything returns to the quiet front.

In the meantime, I will focus on:  decorating our tree together and the loveliness of busting out all their hand-made decorations, the girls helping me wrap presents and bake for their teachers and neighbors, singing Christmas carols, being there when the girls ask questions or need a hug, baking cookies for Santa next week end, hosting some friends for dinner.  Loving up my girls and my hubby and being so thankful that we have each other, today and every day.

Prayers for a better life

With all the suffering in Ferguson and the recent reports of gang rapes at UVA, I just wanted to send out a prayer to the universe—a prayer for peace and healing, a prayer for change, a prayer for love and kindness over despair and violence.

Please, please, let us turn our world into a better place, one that is not mired in racial and gender hatred.  Please, please, help us choose love and peace over these terrible acts of violence.

I wish I could change the world with a sweep of my hand, but I can't.  How do we talk to our children, how to we prepare and protect them from these challenges when they grow older?

I've started, already, dropping little kernels of information with DD1, sprinkled in during talks about school or what her friends are doing, or what’s on the agenda for homework that night, or in the car on our way to swim lessons.  She is only in elementary school, but somewhere along the line, I decided to start the messaging now, planting the seeds, hoping they will take root before she enters puberty and begins to completely ignore me (so not looking forward to that!).

Observations about knowing her body, that it's HER body and no one else's, that only she has the right to her body.  That it's not okay for people to say mean things to her, that people in this world treat girls differently (the brownies did a lesson on other countries where girls can't even go to school).  And even though we live in the United States of America, and girls CAN go to school, there are many, many people in our country who do not think girls are "good" enough, and they are wrong.  That girls and women are just as good as boys and men and that’s how it should be.  That people who are not white, like us, are sometimes treated differently than people who are, and that's not okay, either.  We are smart and kind and loving and we deserve a place in our society, as girls, women, as brown people.

In the fairytale endings of whatever story we’ve been reading, I always add, you know, that prince is only a prince if he is kind and isn’t mean and doesn’t yell at people.

And every now and then we talk about boys, i.e. Prince Hans in Frozen SEEMED like he was nice, but he wasn’t in the end, and that’s why it’s really important to know the whole story about someone.  That there are people in this world who SEEM nice, but aren’t nice on the inside.  And while it’s our job to be kind and patient and fair, but it’s not our job to FIX people who are mean because they are broken inside, especially if they hurt you or people you love. 

One day in the car on the way home from school, we were listening to the song “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast, and both DD1 and DD2 said, that Gaston is not nice.  And I said, really?  Why do you say that?  And DD1 said, “Because he only likes Belle because she’s pretty, he doesn’t really care about who she is.”

So maybe my messaging is taking hold.  I don’t want my girls to grow up mistrustful of the world, but I do want them armed with critical thinking.  It’s a fine balance, and I don’t know if I struck the right tone, but I have to say I was really happy when they gave Gaston the elementary school/preschool smack down. 

How do you stay positive in the face of such negativity and violence?  How do you “win” by living the “good life” and hope that we stay safe and on the side of peace?

I wish I had the magic answer.  Instead, I hold onto my babies and drop little kernels of knowledge and hope they take root and will bloom to protect them as they hurdle into the future.