Let Peace Begin with Me

(Peace)

First of all—Happy belated Halloween!!!  One of my favorite holidays--I love the festivities of dressing up, traipsing through our neighborhood with my girls and their BFFs, the laughter, the decorations (this year, we saw a house transformed into Hogwarts, with Aragog hanging off the garage and the flying car nestled on top of the tree in their yard)! Then, there is “the great candy exchange” that follows when we’ve come home:  the kids sprawling out on my living room floor sorting through their candy and swapping with one another.  (please give me the baby ruths!)

Secondly—with the passing of Halloween comes the new season of Winter.  (And the holidays!  Let the holiday madness begin.  I think I’ll work on our family holiday card next…muuu hahahahahaha.)

And then third(ly), this season brings along my birthday which arrived in a mixed bag of emotions.  Leading up to the big day, I was overcome with extreme emo sadness—sadness for the loss of my mom last year, sadness for another year passing when thinking of my birth mom, as I get older, the likelihood of connecting with her and any biological family becomes slimmer.  And then emo sadness for how my kids are growing up with such a shitty divorce behind the scenes.  How I wish I could make it a different situation for them, especially on the heels of last month’s stupid crap drama. 

Seriously, I was a big bag of sad.  Boo-hooing and having sad dreams and struggling just to get out of the bed some mornings.  Getting older is not for the faint of heart.

But when the actual day came, with lots of celebratory wishes, and kind gestures, and lots of love and hugs from people I didn’t even expect, beautiful weather, a special celebration with my kids and then with my hubby (at a fancy restaurant, where I ate so much my stomach hurt, lol).  And even today I was treated to a birthday lunch and there’s another birthday girlfriend and daughters date coming up next week end, and even a different group of girlfriends brunch date after that, and I just realized that despite all my sadness and despite all my anxiety and depression that I struggle through…this birthday thing is turning out okay.

One thing about being settled into middle age—and ironically, considering how I’ve embraced exercising on the regular over the last couple of years—there’s definitely more creaks and aches and physical pains.  Dang it.  Le sigh!

Also, regarding the sadness that caught up with me, I recognize it’s a combination of grief of loss as well as over lost times.  I call this “Nostalgia to the Infinite Power,” where I long for the experiences that have passed and stand so clearly in my memories, I miss the love and laughter from many moons ago, and long for my people who’ve been flung far and wide through time and space and age and life’s journeys, wishing they were near me again.  We didn’t know way back when, when we were close and adventuring into each morning and afternoon and evening together, that one day we would be separated as we are today.  I love them and miss them so much!

And that also makes me nostalgic for these moments shared today, with my people in my present, who I’m sharing this mom journey and this kids in girl scouts and/or sports and through school journey.  Breathing in and sitting still within these moments, even as I feel them passing through my hands, my fingers, my heart, I have nostalgia as we move from this moment to the next.

Driving home yesterday with my girls nestled in the back seat, we dropped of DD1’s bestie after spending a girls day with us from morning until dusk—and a random song came on the radio, I can’t even remember what it was.  But I heard DD1 humming along, and my heart just felt like it would burst straight out of my chest.  I just love them so much, my heart couldn’t contain it. And later, I told them both how happy I was about our day spent together, how mom’s heart was just bursting with love for them.

DD1, kind of rolled her eyes and said ‘that’s nice’ in her teenage voice.  LOL, as to be expected.

DD2, leaped into my arms for two gigantic hugs.  Awww.

And then off went to bed.  (Another night passing by.)

So while I haven’t solved my anxiety and grief and sadness about the life I’ve lived before, and while I’ve learned to cherish moments of love and happiness in today’s world even as I recognize and accept the pain from yesterday, I realized that I can be at peace.

Maybe it won’t last forever, but right now, I’m picking up my shards and glass and placing them side by side and hoping for the best that peace can be in my heart.  Along side the love.  That I can be the peace I wish to see in my world. 

Happy Fall into Winter and Happy Birthday to you.

Love,

Jane Thrive