Winning and Losing and In Between

I think I’m in number 7 of the Top Ten Tools on coping with coparenting stress.  Yesterday I had a fried chicken and chili plate, a most delicious combo!  I gave into emotional eating, lol, oh well. 

I had written the Top Ten post to help myself deal with some shenanigans from the Ex.  He had agreed to a time-sharing proposal (I asked for one day, was giving him a week), but instead of focusing on the extra time he would have, he nit-picked his way into feeling that somehow he was getting the short end of the stick.  Apparently, he was also going to be traveling, so then my offer turned into a 50/50 split with our youngest daughter, and then he would have had an additional overnight with our eldest.  (The girls are on different time-sharing when one is on a break from school and the other is not…does anyone else need a glass of wine to keep up with the nitty gritty details of our visitation schedule?  Ugh).  It was finally all worked out…we were on course to sail through October…

And then we weren’t.  The Ex decided it was all unfair and he reneged on his agreement.  So no exchange. In fact, he demanded additional overnights to make it ‘more fair.’  I still scratch my head on the fact that coming out even and/or ahead for him is not ‘fair.’  (My hunch is that it came down to the fact he didn’t want to give me the original one date that I had asked for…it would have extended a mom’s week end over the winter break). 

So this is where I put my firm pants on and decided that I was tired of being pushed around.  Our decree states that if either parent is traveling and cannot be with the children, the other parent has right of first refusal (ROFR) to watch them.  It doesn’t state anything about ‘make up’ time for time that is then lost.  Out of courtesy, over the last eight years, we have worked out exchanges for week ends here and there.  When I’ve had to travel for work, he has actually come out ahead, as I always just asked for the week end missed, and let the mom weekdays go (so again, he’s come out ‘ahead’ if we want to get to the nitty gritty).  He has only recently started traveling for work in the last year or so…

Anyway, this is the first time in eight years that he walked back on an exchange agreement.  I was angry at myself later, because I found out I could have held him to our original agreement, but he was so bullish and aggressive about it, I let the dates go. 

In the end:  I let him know that we will no longer deviate from the parenting schedule, that when he travels, I’ll watch the kids.  If I ever travel (which I likely won’t on dad days for some time), then he will watch the kids.  He’s mad that he didn’t get any ‘extra’ days, but oh well.  I’m done trying to negotiate with a bully.  (Mind you, I did travel for a couple of nights already, so it will all come out even at some point, so whatever).  He had some more words about how he’s entitled to more ‘make up’ nights, but the answer is:  it’s not in the decree, so no.

I’m sad—because I had something wonderful and magical planned for the girls over the holiday break, but then I transformed that into a win as well.  Hubby’s mom can come out and visit and we will just spend our time with her—she adores the girls so that will be nice.

Sometimes, you just have to stand tall to a bully.  Maybe you don’t get a ‘win’ all the time, but at least you get to hold onto your self-respect and can safely say that you are standing in your truth.

Love and hugs,

Jane Thrive