Tis the Season...For all the Feels

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The holiday joy and love and laughter are filling up our house at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive.  DD2 has written THREE letters to Santa, the Christmas tree is up and decorated, lights decorating our carport outside to add to the holiday cheer.  The girls’ santa cookie baking sleepover date has been confirmed with all four friends (yes, that means six giggling girls in my household the week end before Christmas, lol!!), and we just finished baking mini pound cakes for our schoolteachers and neighbors.  DD1 politely informed me that she could bake a batch of cakes all on her own, thank you very much.  And DD2 was so sweet, intently helping with sifting the ingredients before hand and after they had cooled, carefully wrapping each cake with care, lol!

As bright as the holiday cheer is shining all around us, equally as bright are my heartache and pain.  In the words of a good friend—the holidays uproot happiness and hurt all at the same time.  The older I get, the more this seems to be.

I’ve been trying to focus on the spirit of giving and making fun memories for my girls—and also breathing in and letting go of expectations and judgments on what the holidays are “supposed” to be.  I hurt in my heart and mind, missing my mom and my dad and all of the people I’ve loved and lost along the way, even the ones I can’t remember.  I hurt for the ones who might wonder where I am, and I hurt for thinking they might not care. Or maybe they do.  I hurt for the mistakes I’ve made and the pain I’ve caused, and I hurt from the scars that were given to me from other people.

In the morning, just before opening my eyes, I can feel the anxiety squeezing my heart and the worries ever present, prickling my skin just in case I’ve forgotten that I worry if I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m smart enough, or if I’m good enough, or if I’m worthy enough.

In an effort not to give into the hurt I see in the world and inside myself, I reflect what I do want to see, the love I want to see in the world.  It’s an impasse, sometimes, the hold of the worry and pain, and the desire to be the light.  I’m the knot stuck in the middle.

My mom taught me this saying that my grandma taught her:  use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.  It’s her no nonsense, no frills, bare bones way of getting through life.  It’s simple.  It’s strength.

I don’t have that kind of strength, but I admire hers.  My version would be:  cherish what you have and use what you have wisely, while also sharing your life and love with others.  And if something doesn’t work for you, let it go.  (I’m too wordy.)

My problem is in execution, I get lost in the hurting and anxiety, which I know is part of the healing marathon.  I wish I could be strong like her.  I miss her confidence in knowing what to do all the time.

And again with the words!  This post is a dedication to embracing the love and hope of the holidays as well as accepting and acknowledging the pain.  And how sometimes, it’s okay not to have advice on what to do with the complicated feelings that this means.  Accepting that I have both love and pain in life is not the same phrase as “love equals pain.”  That’s progress!

Sometimes, I wonder if we’re all just bouncing around in various states of healing.  In my youth, I think I was definitely causing pain because of my pain, and for that I’m deeply mortified and sorry.  Now that I’m older, I’m trying to be that change I want to see in the world, I want to be the light and be the love.