Current Vibe: BLM, Women's Rights (RBG forever), He Got COVID and we survived

Dear World,

I dropped off the face of the planet for the last two years, completely overwhelmed.

I hope to reconnect through the blogosphere once again.  The world has gone extremely nuts since the pandemic so let’s give a quick update, and then I hope to come back to regularly scheduled programming.  <3

• Hubby and I marched in the BLM 2020 summer protest held locally (with masks on) and still stand in solidarity against systemic racism.  Clearly, more work needs to be done, considering the f!@#$ racist mass shooting in Buffalo.

• I have marched in two protests relating to reproductive health rights for women, once because of the Texan (aka the Republic of Gilead) draconian law that they managed to pass, limiting abortions at six weeks (when most folks don’t even know they are pregnant) and also giving private citizens the right to sue anyone who is seeking or provides a legal and safe abortion for up to $10,000.  (How about giving folks $10,000 worth of healthcare/prenatal/postnatal/early education support?)  The second, a couple of days ago, in response to the US Supreme Court leaked draft opinion that looks to overturn Roe v. Wade and turn the clock back on 50 years of women’s legally protected constitutional right to healthcare.  For more action on this, please see RiseUp4AbortoinRights.  These initial protests are just the beginning.  P.s. at our particular protest, there were folks who graduated high school in 1972, sharing very vivid memories of what they experienced before abortion was legal.  And young women half my age taking on this battle, sharing their expressions of leadership and action—they inspired my heart!  I’ve been protesting since the 1992 March on Washington, and 30+ years later, can’t believe I still have to protest for this $hizzle.

• Hubby contracted and recovered from COVID-19.  TWICE.  Miraculously, he was okay, and none of us caught it.  He is fine, we are fine.  (Wait, are we really fine?) While the US has surpassed the 1 million mark for COVID-19 deaths, I think maybe not.  And our hearts are with the families and loved ones of those lost.

• I have been self-medicating with funny animal, cooking, and dancing Tiktok videos and am weirdly inspired by young people just a little bit older than my daughters, speaking out and sounding the alarm against climate change, systemic racism, and the draft opinion rolling back women’s rights.

• I broke my foot (healed) in a freak accident and am recovering from shoulder surgery (healing).  While mobility is limited, I am able to resume work.

• Most importantly, the kids are all right, as best that can be expected, but more soon on the state of their access to their last living grandmother (due to their father’s fighting), which makes me sad.  Learning to let go of the things that I can’t control, and coming to terms with supporting my girls.  While I know what the ‘right’ thing is (support them in having regular visits with their grandma), I have to accept that my role is to remove the bind from them—they love grandma with all their hearts, but they also know they pay a price if they see her with me :(.  The saddest of all of this is she is suffering from memory loss, and soon it will be too late.  :(

• In spite of all this crazy nutso shizzle, it has not been all doom and gloom over here…life finds a way.  I hope to share some of the amazing supportive resources that have helped me get through some of the hardest times in my life these past two years.  Here is one:  Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sundays podcast.  Specifically, her interviews with Dr. Brené Brown, about how being vulnerable is our greatest strength in finding courage to lift one another up in meaningful connection.  <3  (There are four interviews with Oprah, two focusing on “Atlas of the Heart,” and two on “Daring Greatly”)  And bonus resources:  Dr. Brown’s HBO Max 5 episode series focusing on her research on Atlas of the Heart and her amazing site that links to her own podcasts. <3

• Keep on keeping on!  Breath, survive. And thrive. <3

Love and hugs,

Jane Thrive

When There Are Nine: RBG, my mom, and then me

 

Photo Credit

Current Vibe:  Devastated by the loss of RBG, this amazing woman who impacted our lives so much.  Listening to this wonderful podcast about her life from NYT’s _The Daily_.  

RBG’s life was a slow and steady path towards progress and institutional change, especially with regard to gender equality. She paved the way for a more just world, where my mom’s career in science and engineering could exist and for my own as a financially able, working mom of two.  When RBG was a young woman, teachers were fired if they were just beginning to show they were pregnant.  If someone tried to do that ridiculousness now, they would be sued. 

I played that NYT’s podcast in the car when picking up my daughter and her BFF from their first day of blended pandemic back to school.  When I explained that fact about teachers, they couldn’t believe their ears, literally their mouths were hung open in shock.  I was like, yes girls, can you imagine if your teacher was fired because she was pregnant?  It’s insane! And…it’s not that far away from us. 

I’m grieving for the loss of such a light in the world.  I’m raging at the white men in power who are doing everything they can to scrap and scrabble for their rights over other human beings, throwing their hypocritical remarks into the wind for millions of campaign dollars.  I’m so freaking depressed about minority rule in this country.  How dare they attempt to walk back decades of progress.

I’ll admit it—I’m scared, terrified, that now I have to be the one to stand up.  Or maybe I’m tired.  But I don’t get to be tired, I have to be strong.  I better stand up, because without Ruth on the highest court of the land writing for today and tomorrow, then we have to do the writing and the standing. 

This is going to sound really strange and weird, but I feel like I’m grieving my own mom all over again.  Maybe because I saw her as a beacon of strength, no matter how hurt I was as a young girl (I have a high E.Q., my mom has a high science I.Q., and maybe they just don’t match so well…), I knew she always did what she could, her very best, to provide for her family.  She was a single working mom, married to not the best of men until her third marriage. 

When a teacher yelled at me as a second grader, I can’t even remember for what—maybe something about dropping an eraser at the chalkboard?  My mom marched in and called her out on it.  I didn’t witness that, but one of the things my mom shared with me was this:  my mom never stood up for me if any teacher treated me unfairly, saying that’s just how it was.  So I vowed that when I grew up, I would always go in and do something if that happened to one of MY kids… 

My mom’s sense of fairness—was pretty black and white in her thinking, not many shades of gray for her, which with my fragile and passionate heart, had trouble navigating until I was an adult.  Mom broke her own barriers in education and workplace, an undergraduate biology major, then as a single mom of two, earning her master’s degree in industrial hygiene, and then embarking on a career in employee safety and later migrating to engineering—all male dominated fields, but she carved a successful career, traveling the country and sometimes bringing us with her when we were young, otherwise always home with dinner on the table by 6pm, and then later traveling the world for her job.  At the same time, I’m pretty sure she voted republican and deferred in her later life to my brother about legal decisions (glossing over any opinions I may have shared).  I was her emotional comfort, I guess, and my brother, being “the man” while at the same time emotionally distant with her, simply was more respected for all things real world.  Perhaps internalized patriarchy, but all the same, Mom broke barriers just by breathing and living. 

When she passed, I was broken for a month, and then I picked myself up and started running, out of the blue.  (I’ve now completed two half marathons, and would have done a third if not for the pandemic.) Because somewhere in the back of my foggy drink-addled head after her passing, I could almost hear her pragmatic voice: well, get on with it already.  You’ve got two kids to take care of and a job to do. 

So I guess I kept on keeping on.  Somehow RBG’s spirit and my mom’s spirit resonate similarly with me—the former bucking tradition and taking mini steps to change the world at large, the latter bucking tradition and taking mini steps that changed my very personal world.  And now they’re both gone, and it’s left my heart breaking at the edges, the middle, and inside. 

I vacillate between overwhelmed with depression and at the same time, rage against the world that would leave me (and women) behind and out of the rooms where decisions are being made.  I can’t stand the unfairness—something my mom instilled in me and one that RBG challenged and defeated time and again—unfairness on the basis of sex, gender, race.  

I comfort at the RBG tributes here,  here, and here. 

And I remember that we are not alone, even if we feel like it.  My daughters can’t imagine a world where a teacher would be fired for being pregnant.  Yet that was “the norm” when RBG was a young lady, and would also have been just passing by when my mom embarked on her college career.  I will not forget and I will keep fighting as long as there is air in my lungs to breathe.  Even when I feel beyond tired and want to cry.  We can do this, if only in our hearts, then our minds, then our words, then our actions: 

p.s. Rage donating to campaigns to support flipping seats Blue via Actblue.  Specifically donating to: 

Amy McGrath, KY (polls are all over the place, but would dream a dream if she could win)

Mark Kelly, AZ (he can sit right away if he’s elected, because it’s a special election)

Sara Gideon, ME

Jaime Harrison, SC

Pat Timmons-Goodson, NC (Obama judge appointee that the Senate blocked, now carries a lead for US Congressional Rep) 

Apparently, I’m not alone in doing this—record breaking donations poured in last Friday night.  Thank goodness.  

p.p.s. women's rights are human rights and human rights are women's rights

Adulting break

#adulting

Adulting is the theme of 2020 so far—adulting with relationships, work, parenting, and co-parenting.

I can do this adulting thing, although some recreational breaks definitely help.

How to cope with a load of adulting:

1.  Take some laugh breaks with your favorite someone.  This could be spouse, sister, bff, coworker.  A good cackle or belly laugh can do wonders! <3 o:p="">

2.  Take a nap.

3.  Read up on baby yoda memes.

4.  Go for a run. (If you don’t run, fill that blank with something physical…to get the blood going).

5.  Take 10 deep breaths.

6.  Reminisce about a favorite memory—someone, or something, or somewhere…it’s like taking a mini vacation with your mind.

7.  And if funds are available, make a new memory, go for a mini break!

8.  Or cuddle up with a book. (Another vacation for the mind).

9.  Take a bath.

10.  Eat your favorite snack.

11.  Drink an unexpected glass of wine with a friend.  Or maybe four.  (Like I did last night, tee hee!)

Love and hugs!  Would love to hear your adulting break ideas if you'd like to share! <3 font="">

Thanksgiving: A Story of Grandma Love (and the Ex who has a problem with it)

(Grandma Love: credit)

With my mom passing in 2018, I was thinking more and more about the girls’ grandmother (ex husband’s mother) over the last year—grandma J was always very nice to me and just loved the girls, but during the divorce she had to pick a side, which I always understood.  I also know she was troubled by my ex’s behavior, she shared with me a few times about it, but he was a bully, and when the legal stuff came down, she stood by him.  After all, he was living with her at the time and who knows what he was saying to her about me (my hunch, she’ll take the kids and you’ll never see the girls). 

Last year, I heard through the grapevine that grandma had asked my ex to leave her home, as the conflict between him and his older brother was too stressful for my former mother in law (apparently this happened soon after my mom had passed away).  Given my ex’s difficulty with anger, this was not a surprise to me, but also weirdly validating that finally, after all these years, grandma J was standing her ground and asking for a peaceful house.  That house had seen so much anger and violence through the years with my ex’s father’s alcoholism and anger outbursts before he passed in the late 90s.  In hindsight, it’s clear how he inherited them, and how his family dynamic was set in stone…

Over the years, I’ve thought of Grandma J and the girls’ Uncle (he went on record during the legal proceedings, stating that his brother had an anger problem and he feared for the girls’ safety—the one person who said anything), and missed them.  I understood they had to be divided from me.  In the beginning of post-divorce life, I tried to reach out for the girls’ sake, but the ex stepped in, demanding how “dare” I contact his mom.  So instead, I did do small things—i.e. every Christmas, I wondered if the treats that the girls made ever made it through to them when he lived there.  Last year, after I learned he moved out, the girls and I made our own short visit to drop off home made cookies and goodies at the holidays.

And when DD1 made her school tennis team last year, I called and had a nice chat with Grandma about the girls; and once, when DD2 was sick, I asked Grandma to watch her, when the Ex couldn’t (the rules say under certain conditions, I have to ask him first), and that was so nice!

So after talking some more with my therapist this year, I decided that when DD1 made her tennis team again (yay, DD1!), I would call again.  And the beauty of this year’s tennis season—there’s Saturday matches scheduled.  That meant if Grandma was open to it, I could invite her to come along with us and she could watch her granddaughter play.  I contacted both Grandma J and quietly asked DD1’s coaches if she would be playing and they said yes!  So once all was confirmed, the girls and I picked up grandma and off we went, to have a wonderful afternoon together.  I happened to be on team snack duty, so after we dropped DD1 early for pre-match practice,  DD2, Grandma, and I went to run errands and pick up snacks.

When we returned, we unfortunately learned that DD1 *wasn’t* going to play—at the other team’s request, they asked to keep our stronger players off the court, as they were mostly beginners, so in the spirit of sportsmanship our coaches agreed (which I think was good role modeling for the girls).  We spent the afternoon waiting for the rain to come and go, grandma at least got to watch DD1 play an exhibition with her teammate, then it was time to pass out snacks and then I took a picture of the girls with their grandma, and we headed back home. 

On the way home, teenager DD1 actually said, “thank you for coming with us today, grandma j” and DD2 chimed in, too.  And when we dropped her off, they gave her big hugs and as we drove away, DD2 was hollering out the window:  I LOVE YOU GRANDMA J!! 

Me:  Heart swoon.

We were mere minutes away when Grandma called me, she had forgotten to give me a card she said—so we circled back.  She handed me a card and meanwhile little sister repeated her hugs and hollering and off we went back to our day.  I was really happy.

And then I opened the envelope---

A letter from my ex’s older brother, who I had barely spoken to in 8 years—and my jaw dropped and the tears just started streaming.  There are three takeaways from the letter:

1  -  He thanked me so much and was so happy about my including his mom on today’s outing.

2  -  His “ass brother” won’t let his mom see the kids and it’s been like this for a long time; she’s bought gifts for them and they have sat there for weeks, until she’s accepted that he and the girls aren’t going to drop by and pick them up.  And this situation is so hard on her.

3  -  He hopes that I can include her in the future.

My heart about burst with sadness.  I knew my ex is vindictive, and I knew he could be this difficult.  But to be so mean to keep our daughters from having a relationship with their grandmother makes me cry so hard.  I’m getting teary just writing down these words.

But I sat with the letter for a little while, and then I couldn’t keep it in.  I didn’t know what to do with it.  I shared it with my hubby, just because I was so hurt about it.  Then I shared it with my attorney, the girls play therapist, and with my therapist.  Because I need a village to help me deal with all the feelings this brought up. 

-----

Attorney:  This is so SAD and MEAN, and she thinks I should include both grandma and uncle for the holidays and into the future! 

Play Therapist:  Well, the rule is that anything that involves the ex and the ex’s family should come from the girls.  They know there is a price to defying him and to ask the girls how important it is to have occasional contact with their grandma.  The thought of that defying cost needs to be factored into anything that I decide.  Also, if they want to have contact, to let the Ex know.

My therapist:  The way the girls reacted showed that they wanted Grandma with them and they are bonded with her, and that I did the right thing to include her.  The abusive Ex shouldn’t dictate or keep the girls from having a relationship with their grandma.

Me:  I think I did the right thing, but did I?  Crying at the sadness of this situation and also second guessing myself.  And then I think about how my mom loved spending time with the girls, how she was here very year until her Parkinsons’ got so bad she couldn’t travel (DD2’s first birthday party was her last visit).  And then the ensuing years when we would visit her, no matter how badly her Parkinsons affected her, she would plan these fun schemes with the girls in mind—visiting Mammoth Cave, or roadtripping to see family, or making sun prints with leaves and special paper outside of her assisted living porch.  She would give anything to have more time with the girls.  I think she’s watching them from heaven, too.

Regarding the price:  that evening, I overheard the girls’ phone conversation with their dad, who didn’t sound happy we included grandma j, prompting DD1 to declare it was ‘weird.’  And when I followed up with her afterwards, she said it *is* weird, I’m divorced from grandma’s son.  And I responded, I understood it seems weird… it’s just that grandma j is the nicest lady on the planet, and it’s okay that grandma j and mom are nice to each other, and we are her family.  She grumbled a bit, but then we were off to a dinner event with our friends, which turned out to be great fun (lots of laughter and silliness ensued).

I did quietly share with two of my closer friends on the side at this dinner—who’ve known about our situation for years and who’ve supported DD1 with our complicated divorce situation, they reinforced that the girls absolutely need to include grandma.  And one mom said, so what if it’s weird?  Just tell her, hey, what family *isn’t* weird these days?  LOL.

So on the way home, I reinforced with the girls that their grandma is their family, that i am their mom and also their family, and it’s ok that we are friends . That I didn’t realize they didn’t see her too much, and it’s ok to see her sometimes with mom, because she’s always been nice to me and I’ve been nice to her, that I didn’t know what was up between her and dad, but she’s still their grandma.  DD1 says it will probably feel weird and I said it’s ok to be weird. That doesn’t mean we aren’t family, and lots of families are weird.  And they seemed to be okay with this, humming and singing along to the music all the way home…

Conclusion-in-Progress:  I wish there was a how-to guide on how to navigate this particular road.  I guess I’m creating the map as I take in all this information.  I’m of the mind that someone needs to be the adult in the room and facilitate a relationship between the girls and their grandma, who is not getting any younger.  She is seriously the nicest lady on the planet, so kind and generous, and she seemed so thankful have this time.  And Uncle’s letter just validated that need to be included.

At the same time, I feel more cautious, considering what the play therapist said.  I vacillate between—outrage that he would be so cruel to his mom and also deny the girls time with his mom, and then worrying how this will impact the girls, grandma, and me.  Deep down my intuition tells me to keep finding small ways to include her, to keep the bridge open, the girls deserve to have grandma in their lives, even just a little bit.

So what is the price?  Is it too high for a grandma to love her granddaughters, and for her granddaughters to love her back?  I wish I knew better what to do.

Having just watched Frozen 2 (along with a million dollars worth of other people, lol), I think at this point, since I don’t know the way, I’ll keep choosing what I think is the next right thing to do.

Happy Thanksgiving.

p.s. I miss my mom.

Let Peace Begin with Me

(Peace)

First of all—Happy belated Halloween!!!  One of my favorite holidays--I love the festivities of dressing up, traipsing through our neighborhood with my girls and their BFFs, the laughter, the decorations (this year, we saw a house transformed into Hogwarts, with Aragog hanging off the garage and the flying car nestled on top of the tree in their yard)! Then, there is “the great candy exchange” that follows when we’ve come home:  the kids sprawling out on my living room floor sorting through their candy and swapping with one another.  (please give me the baby ruths!)

Secondly—with the passing of Halloween comes the new season of Winter.  (And the holidays!  Let the holiday madness begin.  I think I’ll work on our family holiday card next…muuu hahahahahaha.)

And then third(ly), this season brings along my birthday which arrived in a mixed bag of emotions.  Leading up to the big day, I was overcome with extreme emo sadness—sadness for the loss of my mom last year, sadness for another year passing when thinking of my birth mom, as I get older, the likelihood of connecting with her and any biological family becomes slimmer.  And then emo sadness for how my kids are growing up with such a shitty divorce behind the scenes.  How I wish I could make it a different situation for them, especially on the heels of last month’s stupid crap drama. 

Seriously, I was a big bag of sad.  Boo-hooing and having sad dreams and struggling just to get out of the bed some mornings.  Getting older is not for the faint of heart.

But when the actual day came, with lots of celebratory wishes, and kind gestures, and lots of love and hugs from people I didn’t even expect, beautiful weather, a special celebration with my kids and then with my hubby (at a fancy restaurant, where I ate so much my stomach hurt, lol).  And even today I was treated to a birthday lunch and there’s another birthday girlfriend and daughters date coming up next week end, and even a different group of girlfriends brunch date after that, and I just realized that despite all my sadness and despite all my anxiety and depression that I struggle through…this birthday thing is turning out okay.

One thing about being settled into middle age—and ironically, considering how I’ve embraced exercising on the regular over the last couple of years—there’s definitely more creaks and aches and physical pains.  Dang it.  Le sigh!

Also, regarding the sadness that caught up with me, I recognize it’s a combination of grief of loss as well as over lost times.  I call this “Nostalgia to the Infinite Power,” where I long for the experiences that have passed and stand so clearly in my memories, I miss the love and laughter from many moons ago, and long for my people who’ve been flung far and wide through time and space and age and life’s journeys, wishing they were near me again.  We didn’t know way back when, when we were close and adventuring into each morning and afternoon and evening together, that one day we would be separated as we are today.  I love them and miss them so much!

And that also makes me nostalgic for these moments shared today, with my people in my present, who I’m sharing this mom journey and this kids in girl scouts and/or sports and through school journey.  Breathing in and sitting still within these moments, even as I feel them passing through my hands, my fingers, my heart, I have nostalgia as we move from this moment to the next.

Driving home yesterday with my girls nestled in the back seat, we dropped of DD1’s bestie after spending a girls day with us from morning until dusk—and a random song came on the radio, I can’t even remember what it was.  But I heard DD1 humming along, and my heart just felt like it would burst straight out of my chest.  I just love them so much, my heart couldn’t contain it. And later, I told them both how happy I was about our day spent together, how mom’s heart was just bursting with love for them.

DD1, kind of rolled her eyes and said ‘that’s nice’ in her teenage voice.  LOL, as to be expected.

DD2, leaped into my arms for two gigantic hugs.  Awww.

And then off went to bed.  (Another night passing by.)

So while I haven’t solved my anxiety and grief and sadness about the life I’ve lived before, and while I’ve learned to cherish moments of love and happiness in today’s world even as I recognize and accept the pain from yesterday, I realized that I can be at peace.

Maybe it won’t last forever, but right now, I’m picking up my shards and glass and placing them side by side and hoping for the best that peace can be in my heart.  Along side the love.  That I can be the peace I wish to see in my world. 

Happy Fall into Winter and Happy Birthday to you.

Love,

Jane Thrive

Happy Mother’s Day in a Screwed up Co-parenting World

Happy Mother's Day

Let’s start off with some positives—while this is the second mom’s day that I am alive without my mom, I survived.  Also, I did pretty well at my work conference, having presented at three different events, representing our state as best as I could, and I think my mom would have been proud about that.

Secondly, my girls are growing up strong and tall and smart and sassy and loving and caring and kind and silly and loyal.  I could go on and on.  So that’s good too.

Now for the screwed up co-parenting world part:

Last Friday, DD2’s teacher sent a class message to all the parents that the kids were coming home with a mother’s day gift that they had been working on all year together.  I was out of town presenting at the said conference, and when I returned, it was to an email from the ex saying that DD2 had forgotten the present, but it would come home next time.

So when I saw DD2, I told her I was excited to see the present, and DD2 started bawling, saying she gave it to Aunty (Exie’s new and generous girlfriend), because she was visiting and going back home, so they had packed it in her suitcase.  I was baffled, having received the email from Exie and the teacher and figured there must be some kind of confusion.  A suspicion did start to rise in the back of my brain, however, that perhaps Exie did encourage DD2 to give the present to his girlfriend, and I figured the best way to find out would be to apply a little kindness.

I wrote to Exie that it sounded like DD2 was a little confused, that she had told me that she’d given the present to Aunty by mistake, and also that I was glad the girls had a positive relationship with his girlfriend.  That similarly, A has always treated their relationship different than theirs, has encouraged them to give him father’s day gifts, and would never accept a present where we knew they had made it for Exie for father’s day.  Also, that I looked forward to meeting his girlfriend one day at a school event, etc, as the girls seem to like her and they really like her dog. 

All in all, I felt proud of myself for going high instead of low.

Unfortunately, the response was a long-winded, well…actually DD2 “CHOSE” to give the mother’s day gift to his girlfriend, despite him trying to talk her out of it and emphasizing that his girlfriend is not her mother and DD2 wanted to give it to her anyway.  (And another long winded response about how he would ‘think’ about me meeting his girlfriend, bringing up his past demands of how he wanted a special sit-down meeting with A to talk about parenting and I kept refusing—baffling, since they met at a school event, everything was fine.  Exie does hang on to perceived slights and then applies them out of context.)

The thing here is that DD2 is a young child.  Exie is the adult.  That’s the cue where he steps in, if it actually did go as described, about appropriateness.  The way he described is the best case scenario, however I have been a victim and now am a survivor of his emotional blackmail, so here we are.  And then I remembered that I can’t control what happens at his house.  He may not act like the adult, but I do. 

And so the crux of the story is 1) I’m sad that I don’t get to see the present that my daughter worked all year on for me,  2) I’m angry at the double-standard that if the tables were turned (which they never would be, A would never accept a gift under these circumstances), Exie’s head would explode, 3) I’m sad that DD2 feels pressured to please her dad and his girlfriend to give the present to his girlfriend, overtly or unconsciously, 4) I’m praying that DD2 doesn’t end up with a spouse that she’s always bending over backwards to please in an unhealthy way, and 5) at the end of the day, I know DD2 knows who her mom is.

Adulting is hard.  I’m going to cry that I don’t get to see this present and go to therapy to unpack what that means to me on Friday.

Then I’ll pull up my grown up pants and handle this like the grown up that I am.  All the time praying that my girls grow up with as minimal impact of his needy, manipulative ways as possible and do not replicate it in their future relationships.  Please god please let them be strong.  #cry

August Update

Dear World,

Just a quick update that I was hit by a car five weeks ago, while I was in the crosswalk.  I think the driver was rushing to get to work or something.  I can't believe it's only been five weeks!  I'm doing okay, but I have a fractured wrist and a messed up shoulder.  I'm very lucky considering the circumstances--I saw the car and tried to get out of the way, was clipped and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, staring up at the firemen who were asking me what day it was (which I didn't know, had issues with a concussion but that's better!).  I'm on the healing path, and my daughters and hubby have been amazing supporters.   I'll get back to writing soon!

Love and hugs and keep carrying on!
Jane Thrive

Royal Wedding - Yippee!

credit

It may be “cooler” to act like I didn’t pay attention to the #RoyalWedding that happened over the week end, but I embrace being one of the uncool kids!  I wasn’t able to watch it, but I did do a whole lot of DVR-ing which I will get to review shortly and have been surfing the web, purposely looking for joyous faces and silly memes and stories of adorableness.  It’s nice to have a bubble of love and light lift up the world a little bit, and while by no means a royal expert am I, I loved that the wedding shook up some traditions by the inclusion of MLK, Jr, the gospel choir, Stand by Me, the loveliness and smooshiness of the bride and groom. 

I’ll also admit that I loved this meme a whole lot : I wish I could just add the pic, but please click here.

And in other news, I was actually celebrating my wedding anniversary this past week end—the hubby surprised me with a week end getaway at a posh resort, awwwwww.  As much as there is anxiety in raising a tween and dealing with a coparent who is not the most cooperative, there was a lot to celebrate.  The world may be looking at the newest princess and prince; I guess I can safely say that I have my own!  Hee hee yay! :)

Love and hugs to the world! 

Kindness--May the Fourth Be With you!

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Happy May to all!

Things are trucking along at Chez Survive, Love, Thrive.  The girls are finishing up their school year (AWKKKKK) and I’m soon to have a middle schooler on my hands.  She has the maturity and sensibility of an old soul, a laugh like a little kid, as well an ATTITUDE of a tween going onto majorly teen.  Lord help us all!  At least little sister still likes to hold my hand and sit on my lap, le sigh!

Work is going great, budget reports done, pending acquisitions approved, staffing issues settled, and I’m about to hire a part time employee as well.  I’m traveling to a conference and have also been elected to a Board position that was a bit unexpected.  To be truthful, I’m an introvert who masquerades as an extrovert, so the next week will be exhausting rubbing elbows with the world.  And the Board position is a three year odyssey into the unknown, but I do have great mentorship in place, so I’m thinking about it with half trepidation and half eagerness to learn something new.

My running is getting out of control, lol.  My old lady ankles are yelling—WTF are you doing to us????  I’m figuring out how to scale back a bit over the next month, so as not to have any injuries, because the biggest news about the running thing is that I’ve signed up for a half marathon over labor day week end. !!! HA HA HA!!!   This both terrifies and makes me laugh hysterically.  Hubby wants to do it with me, and some of my good friends who are runners are going to do it too!  So this will be a fun adventure to look forward to in the fall.

The running relates to my anxiety and grieving.  I really do think I’m somehow running through my grief.  Running is helping me cope with my anxiety, too.  I still wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety, but lately it seems that I’m able to take it with a grain of salt, go back to sleep, and then awaken for the day with less trepidation. 

As for co-parenting, DD1 won an award where she and her BFF will be honored on Sunday.  Guess who hasn’t RVSPed to the event organizers and who hasn’t confirmed with me that she’ll be there, after I’ve politely inquired several times  (lol and he didn’t know about it until I had emailed it to him weeks ago)?  But yet I’ve heard from DD1 and her BFF’s family that she’ll be there?  Le sigh.  I’m going to be brave and go.  Life will be okay.  I’m bringing someone who is like my little sister as my plus 1, since hubby has to work.  No matter the weirdness, it will just be what it will be.  This co-parenting stress doesn’t take away the fact at how very proud I am of DD1’s accomplishment, and even more touched that she’s being honored with her BFF in this last year they will be together (they are going to different middle schools)…

At any rate, as I keep on moving through this thing called life, I’m meditating on something that I shared when asked to write a personal statement for that recent election:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." --Maya Angelou

I told the readers that this quote resonated with me because even as I run around checking boxes off the to-do list, that I must always remember to act with kindness—and that in the profession that I work in, a little bit of kindness can go a long way in fostering positive relationships with people. <3 o:p="">

So my p.s. is that I may not be the smartest, best person in the room, but I do know what it means to be kind, and my aim in life is to keep sending love and kindness into the world.  If I can do that, then that’s a whole lot.  At least, that’s my hope!

Full Steam Ahead

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I’ve been running at full steam with my daughters’ cookie booths and tennis and dance recital rehearsals and working full time and juggling big sister tween attitude and questions and mini-rebellion and then sudden mood change to sweetheart as we baked my mom’s sugar cookie recipe for pi day, so she could bring round cookies to school and share them with her math class.  Also rolling with the punches of little sister’s extra energy and every feeling under the sun (she’s definitely a feel-er) and if I think I run at full steam, little sister is like super-sonic speed.

I’m also struggling with depression with my mom’s passing (I’ve had some really good days, coupled with really sad ones), and generalized anxiety with the PTSD in dealing with my ex-husband and all the wounds that I’ve carried along the journey of this mid-life of mine.  To be truthful, today has been about treading water and keep my head from sinking under.  A weird sort of malaise, like I’m paralyzed by so much going on.

Some things I’m trying to do to ease the pain:

• Taking it easy at work, but still being accountable (i.e. not signing up for more than I bargained for, dealing with a supervision issue immediately, turning in reports on time.)
• Exercising (i.e. I’m supposed to exercise today, and seriously DO NOT WANT to do it.  So I’m forcing myself in T-minus 3 hours.  Ugh).
• Eating healthier (except for the 1 cup of homemade chex mix that my coworker brought in, can’t resist.  At least it’s not 2 cups. Or 5, which is what I really want).
• Drinking lots of water.
• Brain Therapy—I’m trying neurofeedback.  I’m not sure if it’s ratcheting down my anxiety, but in a weird way, it was oddly validating to find that my brainwaves in the areas of anxiety and depression were definitely off “the norm.”  (I think some days it’s working—but then I’ll have a day like yesterday where everything is a trigger, and I wonder if my brain is just too screwed up, ugh!)
• Regular Therapy—going to see my shrink tomorrow.
• Deep breaths—there’s an app that monitors your breathing and encourages deep breathing, so when I’m overwhelmed with big sister/little sister drama, I employ the deep breathing.  (Note:  DD1 asked me to quit doing it because it’s “really annoying,” and internally I’m like OMFG, but externally, I told her it was either annoying breathing, or I start yelling and I really did not want to start yelling).
• When the anxiety rings high, over the last couple of weeks I’ve been employing “tapping”—bilateral stimulation that is supposed to be calming and take the focus off the anxiety and back to the moment at hand.  

At any rate, I’m looking forward to my bed tonight.  Maybe a good night’s sleep will help?  Hang in there mamas and peoples across the world!  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing, and maybe even weirder for people like me who are adopted and have lost parents before we could speak—it left a hole in my heart which burst open wider when I lost my only mom I know. I did all the right things in her last days, bringing DD1 to see her and talking with her and holding her hand and laughing at her jokes and surrounding her with love, even sharing a Krispy Kreme donut hole because she loved sweets. But now that she’s gone I’m learning that grief is not a journey with a beginning, middle, and end. It’s become part of me, part of my heart, and I’m changed by it. Some days, moments, hours, minutes, I’m super strong. And others, so weepy and not strong. Sometimes, I’m filled with anxiety, triggered by life experiences I wouldn't wish on anyone. So I put my best foot forward, or sometimes I fake putting “my best foot forward”—(fake it until you make it, lol).

Lately, on my live and real person network, I’ve been posting lots of happy and sweet moments, and they are happy and sweet, the smiles and love are real--even with my whole and broken heart. But I guess I wanted to let you know that people may be smiling and acting responsibly and professionally getting the job done and laughing and being silly, but there is still grief there, and it’s okay to put it out there in the world. It’s okay to be a forty something year old grown a$$ woman and feel like: I miss my mommy. And it’s okay to have happiness and sadness at the same time and I guess that’s life. ❤️💔❤️