celebrate

The other day, we threw a big birthday party for big sister at the beach.  About 25 kids and 40 adults helped celebrate, and big sister was so excited and happy, she floated throughout the day.  I feel so lucky and so blessed to be surrounded by people who support our little family.  I can't believe how fast the chlidren are growing!  !!  !!!  My heart is still full and I can't stop smiling because it was a magical, perfect day.  I wonder if she will remember when she grows up....the sound of the waves, playing in the water, running hand-in-hand with her various BFFs on the sand, digging holes, jumping in her bounce house.  Running to each little friend as they arrived and proudly handing them a bucket/shovel that we brought as giveaways.  Being surrounded by all her little friends who were all singing happy birthday, then blowing out her candle. 

And with light there is also shadow.

The night after the party I had a nightmare.  I dreamt that I was in my childhood home and it was time for dad to drop off the girls.  I was suddenly filled with terror that he would somehow see inside my house, so I switched on the outside lights, turned off the inside lights, and drew the curtains.  And when he arrived with the children, he demanded to come into my home.  I tried to stop him, but I couldn't at first, he came in through the front door and I had to push him, against his chest with all my might.  He made it through to the entryway, but I was able to shove him outside.  I kept saying, how could you do this in front of the children, what are you thinking?  And big sister is the only one who could understand, and I felt horrible for her hearing and seeing all of this.  When I woke up, I still had the terrible feeling of fear coursing through my veins.  I guess I'm still afraid of him.

And I guess, it's okay to be afraid.  Because he terrorized us for a long time.  And yet, somehow, I found some strength out of this dream, one positive:  he had tried to gain entry into my sacred space, but he did not.  He got in a little, but I pushed him out.  I protected my home and my children as best as I could.  In my nightmare, and also in real life.

SCOTUS

Dear Scotus,

Thank you for letting DOMA fall by the way side and allow the civil rights movement to move forward just another inch.  While our world is not perfect when it comes to equality, I see no reason to legislate how people love one another.  My wish is only that people love one another in a healthy way (see previous post), always.  I wish to raise my children in a world where they are free to make their own decisions, full of love, self-respect, and wisdom.  By striking down DOMA, now we have a little more room to do so.

Thank you again,
SLT

sick

one of my babies brought home a cold virus and has since recovered.  baby #2 and i have been on the couch watching 101 dalmations for the last couple of days.  which means i've also been perusing the internet.  and seeing some horrible things.  like some famous guy choking his wife in public, and she doing her best to calm him down.  <here> and <here>

then there's some research about how much violent porn is out there in the world, just clicks away <here>.  apparently 'rape porn' is all the rage and makes up 86% of free porn out there on the www.  just what a mother with daughters wants to hear.  i'm sure many of you enlightened ones out there probably already knew this, but growing up without an internet and youtubing every moment, i freely admit to being steps behind.

so i've been spending the last couple of days in despair about these two particular stories and the reason is that violence against women are so commonplace and accepted that i almost can't even get out of bed when i think about it too much.  of course ms. lawson was placating her husband when he displayed his selfish temper.  i did the same.  it's something we're taught to do--to be peaceful, to be helpful, loving, supportive.  that if somehow we are understanding enough, if somehow we can show a different way of handling our anger or troubles, then because of that love, the ones  who supposedly love us who 'don't mean' to hurt us, will change.  in the world of rainbows and fairy dust, that might be true.

in the world of violent rape porn taking up more bandwidth than food and clothing commercials, that is a bunch of horse shit.  it makes me so frustrated, and so upset.  how i can i be a mother to my beautiful daughters when all of this bullshit sexist culture stacks the decks against us? and if something terrible happens to my daughters as they grow up, it may get videotaped, youtubed, facebooked, and they will be harrasssed?  it's enough to want to unplug and run off to nepal.  except we would probably be trafficked, three women alone.  rawr!

i have a fantasy of my own--that somehow I could transform into a superhero and swoop in and catch the predators just before they strike.  to have the power to squeeze them as if they were in a giant boa constrictor, just enough so they feel real fear and pain like the fear and pain in the faces of their would be victims.  let them think they are about to die and just before they pass out, let them go, with a warning that they will be watched.

aside from some internal satisfaction, i don't know if that would actually solve any problem.  at least it would help me protect my daughters.

p.s. so my baby girl just handed me a doll and directed me to care of her because "she's sick" and "she's the big sister,"  my heart just melted a little bit. (mind you they have legos and cars and other toys, but yes, a doll or two may have managed to make their way into our doors) what else can i do but love my daughters and if i can't protect them like a superhero, do my best to prepare them for the future?  education, respect, self-confidence.  how i pray that will suffice.

sunshine and shadows

sometimes i wake up and i can't believe in the new world that i've created.  i'm scared that it will collapse in on itself.  a life free of the terrorizing, the never knowing when the other shoe will drop. 

because, even while we have 'escaped' our abuser, in the eyes of the court, he is still entitled to being part of our family--he is still connected to my children.  which is complex.  of course i want the children to love their dad--it's never been about that.  it's been about making sure that time is safe.  and i know deep in my heart that my girls love their father, that to them, he is daddy.  just like i am mommy.  we breathe and we live and we hug and sometimes we feel hurt.  but children love their parents whether they hurt them or not.  and when they hurt who is there to comfort them...?  that is my job.  to care for my two little hearts.

the best that i can do for them is to build a home without the unspeakable, unliveable threats and terror.  the explosions that happened for no reason.  or for a reason such as a dropped grain of rice.  or for crying at the wrong time at the wrong space.  (how do you keep a baby from crying?  the answer--you don't. you just do your best.  but that's another conversation).

at any rate, sometimes i get bogged down.  laden with the weight.  as if parenting is not a full plate itself that i gladly sit down to every day, but living in the shadow of what used to be...is a burden that i'm still working through.  the 'battle' is won, in terms of procuring our safety and protection.  however, my therapist has told me that even though he has 'lost' the legal battle--a battle of his own creation, since i tried numerous times to settle--he still has not lost his focused compulsion to gain control.  there has been a line drawn in the sand--he can no longer threaten us, break our things, swear and yell at us, beat up the family pet, push or shove the children--not in my house!  he can no longer call me and swear into my voicemail.  he can no longer send me threatening, accusatory emails.  instead, it comes out in educated nit-picky statements, the emails now contain subtle accusations, or his manipulative games with time-sharing...those are all ways that he digs his fingers in to control.  I call it negative campaigning.  he sends long novellas of information on how he is so wonderful and so concerned and of course includes two or three statements questioning my abilities (i.e. i forgot to pack something, i forgot to mention something, i have been negligent in buying shoes because the children complain about them--while they have never complained to me), then he cc:s the counselors involved in our case.

good ole, basic, negative campaigning.

so my job is--to live a life free from reacting to it.  my focus has been to 'disengage.'  if he sends me a long diatribe email--i glean the few things that deal with logistics of coparenting--pick up or drop off times, clothing/health/education of the children.  then...i come up with the fewest words possible to respond.  and my response may be five sentences.  or less.  sometimes, it can be:  hello, yes, i agree with a.  no, i do not agree with b.  sincerely,

the line has been drawn.  i am thankful for the distance.  and instead of trying to fight the negative campaigning to the people connected to us, i suppose i am writing about it here.  i ride the high road every where else.  here, i suppose i can ruminate about how it is so.unfair.that.he.gets.away.with.saying.stupid.shit.  enough said.

most of all though, i can see that my children appear to be adjusting well to the transition.  there is no negative campaigning on my part--having committed myself to never speak ill will for their sake.  that even though there is a terrifying past, the present, and the present of the last year or so, has been much improved.  perhaps the limited time assists in this--there isn't time for him to lose his temper.  his mother is always around, so she does the 'grunt' work.  that my sweethearts seem untouched by trauma...that is what i am most thankful for.

keep shining sun, please keep the shadows at bay.

what others think of you...

is none of your concern.

i think the quote is actually:  what others think of you is none of your business.  I halfway agree with that.  sometimes, it might be your business...to know if someone isn't particularly fond of you.  Then you have a signal to keep your distance and maintain careful boundaries with that person--especially if you genuinely liked them and you thought they were truly your friend.  on the other hand, what the statement is really going for is that at the end of the day...it doesn't matter what people think of you.  the emotional weight of others' opinions...shake it off.

what YOU think of you matters.  and further, the choices you make, the actions you take--that matters even more.  not someone's opinions.  not someone's presumptions.

this is a helpful thought to hold onto--should you be second guessing yourself, should you think you're not making the right decision.  you make your decisions based on the information that you've gathered or from what's right in front of you.

it's different, i think, when you are seeking out opinions from the people closest to you, from the people you respect and look up to.  but for the rest who offer their opinions/judgements unasked, who may be peripheral someones in your personal orbit, i do my best to clear out the 'noise' and make room for what matters.

i learned that getting bent out of shape over other people's opinions merely gets in the way and becomes an obstacle to doing what is most important--taking charge of my life and creating a positive space for my children (and me).

side effects

i found out something--that you will find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this.  or maybe i ought to restate that:  getting out of my abusive relationship identified who my real friends and loved ones are...in a way...and i lost the ones who i thought were 'real.'

domestic violence is such a shitty topic.  i guess really, who wants to talk about it?  sure, there are support groups out there and well meaning people in the world--most amazing people who dedicate themselves to eradicate abuse...the #1 killer of women, ages 15-44, above cancer and auto accidents, if you can believe that.  in fact, don't believe me, go check out the stats at the United Nations <site>.

but who really wants to talk about it on an every day basis?  especially when they believed your partner, or rather, i ought to say, when they believed my ex was a nice man?  that by believing me, they had to believe that they were also wrong in a way, that somehow they just didn't sense it?  and above and beyond that, understanding domestic violence in the day-to-day, nitty gritty, non after-school special kind of way, takes a sensitivity and if it's not there, and not that i blame anyone for not having it, it just wears on you.  tires you out.  that takes a toll.  it was just too intense.  it was just too much.

i found some of my friends were there from the beginning to the end, living the fire with  me.  and a handful...while saying they would do anything to help us, to be there no matter what, to testify even if they had to, to support my two little ones, they couldn't help but fade away, to take a step back.  and again i understand why.  it's like being run over by a truck.  and then having it go back and forth over you.  so it's not something that is good or bad, it just is.  limits were found that are good to know about.

what surprised me though, is that even now, in the aftermath, in the light of my new life that is full of blessings i had never imagined, it's almost like a handful could understand and empathize with the victim that i was.  but now, on the other side, with new opportunities and change and life happening, again, there is a fade away.  it's baffling, and sad, and makes me long for these handful of friendships.  i always had a hard time saying goodbye.  but on the other hand, maybe it's one of those things that i ought to embrace.  the loved ones who are coming back into my life again, now that the storm is over, or my loved ones that were always there, all along. so there might be the side effect of the purge--the people who can't  handle the situation who quietly go...but also there is the blessing that the ones who love you truly, understand or do their best to understand, who showed their love in ways that you or i couldn't have ever anticipated...maybe that is the best side effect ever.

free

becoming free of someone who has bullied, hurt, and slammed you takes a long time.  it's been about two years now, and today i was a bit shocked, when i saw him.  i knew it would have to happen, and i steeled myself for it, prepared myself, hoped and prayed that there wouldn't be an altercation.  made plans A through Z to be sure I was safe.  that my children were safe.

so i was shocked that when i did see him...that it felt so 'familiar.'  i was surprised, considering how much fighting, cowering, surviving that had happened behind our closed doors, then into the realm of the legal world--how much preparation i had to do every time i had to go to court.  bracing myself for every single action, building up my strength to endure the depositions, even listening to him spew lies about my dearest friends and myself on the stand.  how much i've had to advocate for my children's safety and my own all of these days, months, now years, and yet it was like greeting a part of myself when i saw him get out of the truck.

how strange, and how antithetical to everything i've learned about leaving an abusive relationship, everything i've read, all the therapy i've been to, my support groups.  no one told me that seeing someone who had threatened our lives, who had left behind emotional scars that i'm still healing from them...would feel so normal, as if no time had passed.

after some thinking, i realized i think part of it is because of my sweetheart children. that the connection is there, because of those two beating hearts, and that's why, i guess, there will be this 'bridge.'  but make no mistake.  there was a huge price, a severe one, that threatened our lives--for this 'familiarity.'  it is one that i know i cannot ever pay, and one that would have meant the end of us had we stayed, had our lives not changed.

i tell myself this message:  do not mistake familiarity with love, with respect, with 'he will change.'  familiarity in this case merely means that i was used to the thunderstorms that destroyed our family, that i was used to clinging to the 'good' times, that i excused his injuries and hurtful behavior, because i was familiar with how he acted.  being familiar is not a reason to stay.