Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, Or How to keep you head above water

I love Dori from Finding Nemo--her in the moment, zen nature and positive thinking, how I wish I could be like her all the time.  And…how I used to be like her, more often than not, but I’ve noticed that life’s harder edges took some of that away from me.  I am loathe to admit it—but I have become more cynical and less trusting of life and of people generally in the world.  And that sucks.

So today, I’m making a little vow to myself to concentrate on the good things that keep me going, despite the arguing with my loving new husband about how to deal with my manipulative ex-husband.  Despite feeling like I’m fighting on all fronts sometimes, fielding barbs from Exie, shielding myself, my girls, our family’s privacy, raising the girls and getting us through a hurricane warning (thank goodness all of that blew over, the Big Island’s mountains were not going to let some hurricane get us down!  And that while the Big Island still has lost 10% of their power, there were no casualties and we are all safe), and defending my “disengage and ignore” tactics with A. 

Actually, life isn’t bad, and even if I’m cynical about certain things, like trusting “love” will conquer life’s ills (thanks, 80s Disney movies and rom-coms, whatEVER), it’s pretty damn good in many places.  So please let me be thankful for this:

1. The co-parenting counselor completely surprised me by handling the latest email diatribe.  She is being so helpful that I don’t even have to respond to the latest shenanigans.  No, Exie does not get to unilaterally decide when or where DD1 takes an extracurricular activity when it impacts both of our days.  No, Exie cannot demand to withhold medical copays because DD2 lost her lunch tupperware at school.  Yes, Exie has to show up with the children at a well-lit place at the next parent-to-parent exchange.  Wow.
2. DD1, while still feeling a bit conflicted because of Exie’s manipulations, has been coming out of her shell a little bit more since our trip to see our families.  She’s been asking A to help him cook, seeking him out to play cards, generally, just seeking his attention and cuddles and love.  It’s been very sweet.  We even overheard her referring to him as her “stepdad” to her little neighbor BFF, when she didn’t think anyone could hear her.  <3 span="">
3. DD1 has now ventured into 3^rd grade and already loves her teacher, is reading voraciously, loves playing with her friends.  We found a new ballet school that DD1 is going to try and see if she likes—it helps her school BFF also takes lessons there, and we won’t have to worry about interference from dad because the classes do not fall on his days.  Also, DD1 discovered a new friend at summer day camp, who happens to live just up the street, and they’ve been inseparable over the last few weeks.  So sweet!
4. DD2 is happily adjusting to a new preschool year, and I will now have to start thinking about kindergarten.  Exie has agreed to apply DD2 to the same place DD1 went to kindergarten and thrived.  I’m thinking it’s a great start to school for DD2, and then we can transfer her to DD1’s school who is just down the road.  DD2 is bubbly, happy, and loving, her energetic self never failing her to show up anywhere with hugs and laughter galore.
5. My loving husband, while arguing about how to handle my ex, has helped me hire a nanny to assist with getting DD1 to all of her extracurriculars and finish her homework.  I seriously couldn’t be luckier.  I used to scrape bottom to find help, and it’s extremely lucky to have an extra pair of eyes and ears (the nanny also grew up in a blended family) looking after the girls on occasion.
6. Yesterday, while in a silent stand-off about dealing with Exie, A needed “alone time” after work so he missed dinner.  But, he showed up with a new blanket for our bed.  And other handy things we needed.  So his “alone time” translated into helping us with stuff around the house.  That’s pretty darn sweet. 

I’m thinking that I ought to be in a “count-your-blessings” mode.  For the moment, Exie has been dealt with, and while likely to bring sh!+ up again in the not-too-distant future, my girls and me, we are okay.  We are safer than we ever were before. 

A and I have a lot to work on about dealing with stress and anxiety.  I have some ideas on how to handle that, and I’m hoping he is thinking of some, too.  He usually is.  I think together we can overcome this.  I think it’s difficult for A—and his loving, alpha male, no one messes with my family mentality, to see that disengaging and refusing to react to my ex-husband’s manipulations is actually a proactive way to protect our privacy and self-respect.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and help him see that.  It took me a long time to ignore the negative, too.  (I wish there was a handbook for step-parents coming into high conflict, or post abusive relationships.  Is there one?)

So I’m sending a little prayer out there into the universe—thanking the heavens for our bright and better days and future, and also asking for some patience and perseverance as we keep swimming forward.  Just keep swimming.  Swimming, swimming.

How do I heal?

Some days, I feel strong, confident, patting myself on the back, proud that I managed to “get out” of a terrible situation.  Other days, absolutely not.  Instead, I’m wracked with guilt, anxiety, fear and worry. 

How do you manage these feelings?  Yes, I’m in therapy.  On a logical level, I know I have to transform my thinking that everything will be okay, that I don’t need to worry like I did before. 

 

And yet, I do worry, because there are worrisome things that come up.  The trigger, the person who hurt me and my children for so long, is still around, still present, doing what he can to needle me and to influence our children (not all in good ways), and in the face of that, sometimes  my positive outlook and love and hope—any bit of strength, is sapped down to zero.  I become anxious, numb, afraid.  I tell myself, he is no longer in my house, he no longer can come to my house, actually, he is gone, he cannot hurt us like he used to, but…he still hurts us.  Little by little.

He sends emotional blackmail messages to our children, interfering (especially with DD1) with their bonding with our blended family.  Turning them into his emotional caretakers (daddy is sad, daddy is so poor).  Sending nitpicky, accusatory, messages about how I may have jeopardized my children’s safety by allowing them to ride horseback on my brother’s farm, or that I absconded with the children’s belonging.  I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, and I get angry at myself for letting it send me into a whirlwind of fear.  His words do not have merit—he crafts them mildly on the surface, the undertones exist, and I need to learn to disengage, to not let the undertones get to me, but they do. 

My mantra since divorcing and ‘winning’ custody:  I cannot control what he says or thinks, I can only control what I say or do.  Some days I’m strong and those words are my wonder woman invisible force field, other days, all the mantras in the world can’t stop my worries.

The latest situation is that he is now formally requesting a meeting with my husband.  This gave me pause.  It gave my attorney pause.  It gave my attorney friends pause.  Yes, any parent has a moral right to meet the person who lives with their children.  Legally, there’s no negative ramification if we refuse.  My attorney and therapist both agree that there needs to be a third party, neutral witness present, if it were to happen.  I also agree that at some point, they need to meet, but not under the guise of my ex-husband’s to “talk about the children.”  Anything that has to do with the children must come through me.  But otherwise, a sighting at a school event, or perhaps present at a non-school pick up might be okay.  (I would want something similar, merely to lay eyes on a would be step-mom, but no need for a 30 minute meeting.  As long as the person didn’t have a criminal background, I’d be fine, because I respect the boundaries, am actually grateful for the boundaries.)  Under normal circumstances, I can see how this would be necessary and warranted.

Except for all of the things the ex has done since our engagement was announced last year and our marriage that followed.  DD1 used to be my husband’s little “buddy” during our courtship, for lack of a better word—wanting to hold his hand, helping him cook, demanding attention, i.e. her turn to read the book with him etc.  Then slowly, little by little, daddy being “sad” about the marriage, and being “uncomfortable” with her having a stepfather, has bled into our family home, has given DD1 inner turmoil and conflict.  We sit by, supporting her with neutrality, with positive messages like, “it’s okay to love all of your family,” or “our hearts are big enough for all of our family,” or “just because you have fun with us, doesn’t mean you love your daddy any less.” 

I note the many times post divorce the Ex has put himself before our children—the children, even with fevers, were going to spend a late night with him to celebrate his birthday, because by golly, it’s his time (rather than agree with a day time visit).  Or his “strategic” request for summer vacation, he started it in the middle of the week, and at the end of its duration, there was so much back and forth due to holidays and ex’s birthday, that the children weren’t allow to settle back home before more transitions.  The play therapist agreed that was very stressful for the girls.

My girls have told me on random occasions that “daddy fights with grandma” and “uncle isn’t allowed to talk to them, because of daddy.”  My ex brother-in-law, the one person in his family who stood up for the children and corroborated the ex’s anger problem, lives with the ex and his mom, and I’ve learned has been told not to talk to my daughters at all. 

So what do I do with this information?  And when I see my Ex acting like the victim, the poor me, but I’m such a great dad because I want to show up at the school and meet the teacher, or I want to sign up DD1 for swim lessons without working together to find a time that can work with both of our week end schedules, it makes me want to barf at the same time also be thankful that he IS on good behavior and not doing other stupid stuff.  Except, I know he’s doing stupid stuff, too.

I don’t know what to do.  I sometimes feel powerless to protect my girls, and to sit by and see his influence on the girls enacted in my home, it makes me sad.  Another example, my ex has often demanded that my daughters talk to him “long on the phone” because they “don’t see daddy all the time,” and to “not talk to mommy as much because they are with mommy all the time.”  I’ve worked on this with the play therapist, who seems to understand the dynamics of divorced dads and daughters similar to what is playing out now, and we have encouraged DD1 to use her voice, and say that when it’s time to go, it’s okay to say it’s time to go.  What I’ve found is that she is using this choice on me, rather than her dad.  It’s not helping her set limits with her dad, it’s helping her please him by cutting off the phone calls with me.  Not that I have ever pushed for long phone calls, but still.  I don’t know what to do.  Is there anything I can do?

Some days I’m a pro at disengagement.  Other days, like today, not.  I get upset at myself for not being stronger, for failing to be “water off a duck’s back.”  I think part of it is because we spend so much time being so careful to support the girls, to be neutral and positive about the girls’ dad in our home, but all we see is that DD1 especially is more affected and conflicted by her dad than ever.  Our play therapist says DD1 will understand in time.  My attorney friends and therapist friends also think the girls will be okay, to keep doing what we’re doing, that we have to be patient.  I’ve learned to be patient over the years, but it’s hard.

And I know at the same time I am truly thankful to have this new life.  I wish it were free from everything that I’m writing about, but I also know it’s 100 times better than what it was before. So I guess I will write a letter to DD1 in my heart, since I can’t think of anything else to do right now to make it better.

Dear DD1,

I hope you know how much you are loved, by both parents, and by your stepdad, too.  Mommy and A want you to be happy and to know that you are loved, that it’s okay to have your feelings, that by loving A, it doesn’t mean you love your daddy less.  We know you love your daddy as every child loves their parents, that’s just how it is and we understand.  We are sorry that your dad says things that make you feel worried about him.  It’s the adults’ jobs to take care of you, not your job to take care of them.  You are smart and funny and loving and caring and there is room in your heart to love everyone in your family.  I love you.

Your mom.

Travel—Or, a vacation that made my heart sing

Our blended family vacation was just—amazing. My heart is so full right now.

We spent the first week with my mom and my family, traveling back and forth between her retirement condo and my brother’s farm.  My sister-in-law runs a 100 acre farm (cattle), and to the girls’ delight, there were four baby cows meandering around the “front” of their “front yard” which is really bigger than a football field, running from the inner fence to the gate at the end of the gravel lane that is their driveway to the road.  She has two horses to help manage the cattle—which the girls adore.  DD1 is a brownie and had recently gone on a horseback riding field trip; and funnily enough, DD2 even remembered our visit in 2012—both girls have been since praying nightly for our ‘whole family’ that includes these two horses since they met them two years ago.  Talk about tenacious!  Anyway, my sister-in-law took them on horseback all around the farm land, walking, trotting and cantering.  The look of glee on my daughters’ faces is something I will never forget.

In the mean time, as the girls were taking turns riding, I decided to be the “cool” aunty with my 8 year old nephew and accompanied him mountain biking around said farm.  And not to be coy, but this farm is not on ‘flat” land, it’s all rolling hills and pasture, includes various forests to walk through (and duck under branches and plenty of roots for which to pop wheelies, lol), a running creek filled with fossils, a “P” tree which I thought meant going number 1, but turned out to be a sideways leaning tree that was actually shaped in a P, an algae filled pond, and various landmarks such as “dusky ridge.”  As in, “c’mon aunty, we’ll only go as far as dusky ridge!” in the sweetest, 8 year old southern drawl I’d ever heard.  Needless to say I returned to the barn scraggled, full of scratches from passing wild rose bushes, a bruise here and there from the sudden stops and goes relating to various larger tree roots that blocked our path.  I think I earned my cred with nephew #2.  J  We had walks which included cutting through barbed wire fences between pastures, down paths cut down by the cattle through said forest, dodging cows and one very interested bull.  At the creek we collected fossils and along the forest path, we looked for buck-eyes, with no luck, although my sister-in-law had a few handy for the girls.  When the bull started following us in one pasture, my twelve year old nephew who was a quarter if it’s size, just told it to get going! And it listened and got going!  

My sister-in-law’s garden is ginormous, and the girls loved picking cucumbers, squash, and green beans, which turned up at lunch and/or dinner and to my surprise, DD1 kept asking for more cucumbers!  Each day was filled with horse rides and silliness amongst the cousins, and my brother actually took time off work (GASP) to spend time with us.

Along with our country excitement, back in the “city,” my mom had planned a birthday party for DD1, which was a sweet and kind accomplishment for someone who is not doing so well physically.  In fact, physically, it was the worst I’ve seen my mom in years, but mentally, everything is so much better.  (Diseases that come with age, SUCK.)  Still, my girls, especially DD1 had an amazing time playing cards with my mom and hanging out in her condo, we even played bingo one night, and DD1 WON!  It was so very cute.  They just both adore their grandma, and seeing them laugh and giggle and do little things for her (i.e. searching and handing her a water bottle so she could take her medication), just made my heart sing.  Family from out of town also drove in to spend time with the girls—I hadn’t seen my Uncle in two years, and my younger cousin in nearly 8, and DD1 was enamored by this gorgeous, 24 year old young woman.  DD2 perched on my Uncle’s shoulders as if she belonged there.  Seriously, I couldn’t have been happier!  My “hanai” family—which means family that isn’t your family but feels like family—also came down, and the girls spent a lot of time climbing over them and swimming in the pool.  It was so wonderful catching up with them and they joined my mom and us for dinner and also lunch with my uncle, aunty, and cousin.  <3 span="">

Most importantly, my family adores A, especially my mom, who was so clearly touched by how well he takes care of me and takes his ‘step’father responsibility so seriously.  That made me so happy and when we returned, my mom made it a point to tell me how impressed she was with how he interacted with the girls and loves us so.

On to week 2, which we spent on the Atlantic with A’s family, a central point for all of them to rendezvous—some of whom I’d met before, but the majority I had not.  We spent nearly every day on the beach, and since A’s parents were divorced when he was in college, they have both re-married and have salvaged a great relationship for the sake of A and his brother and sister.  So along with our blended family, I was able to meet A’s step-siblings on his dad’s side, who were lovely and had children similar to my daughters’ age, and it turned into a gaggle of kids all day, every day.  We went searching for shark teeth on the beach, dug for tiny little clams and watched them bury themselves back into the sand, saw a jelly-fish or two hanging out on the sand.  I even caught a sand crab for a little while and let them ooh and ahh!  I took all the kids boogie boarding and pushed them into the waves, listening and watching them giggle with glee.  My friend from when I was 10 years old also drove down with her husband and her kids, and there were a few days of reunion and playing and seafood buffet stuffing ourselves silly and swimming in the ocean and/or pool.  A’s dad’s house is seriously a professional grandparent house, between all the siblings there are now 11 grandchildren.  Everything you could think you might need when away from home—kids toothpaste, sippy cups, little plastic plates, pool and beach toys, kites, even children’s goggles—all to be had and found and borrowed.  A DVD collection to sigh over. 

 

Most importantly (again, lol), I absolutely fell in love with A’s entire family.  Seriously.  I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m all teary and cheese-bally right now.  His step-mother and sister and I joked around, they were like, ‘forget A, we’re keeping you!’ which was so hilarious and loving and kind.  I cooked dinner one night and they were so sweet to rave about it—fed seven adults and four kids, lol, and there was enough even for leftovers!  When his sister had to drive home the day before we left, we both cried like babies.

I guess, I just never felt so welcome and respected and loved before, and A was telling me later, you don’t understand, my family loves you.  Straight up ADORES you, and that just made me feel so happy.

Yes, there were moments of stress—A still frets and worries about the machinations of my ex-husband and his interference with DD1 bonding with A.  There was actually, to my mortification, a huge argument about it, in his dad’s house, I’m pretty sure the whole family heard which made me want to sink into the floor and disappear.  I love A and his dedication to me and the girls, and at the same time it’s hard when he gets triggered (i.e. DD1 was hanging onto everyone in his family BUT A, which he interpreted as being hurt and frustrated and a product of Exie’s manipulations).  A was upset and angry and advising him to be patient doesn’t always help him.  I thought it was a huge and meaningful that the girls were bonding so closely to his family. 

And yet his family was fully supportive of us—I found out later both A’s dad and sister took him aside to help explain how very complicated the situation is, how he needs to be more patient, how much they know I love him and how much they care about me.  A’s dad is a seasoned step-father, and we had our own private talk—about how he had serious conflict with his now grown step-daughter when she was young, but how after the passage of time it truly works out, and his step-daughter is now just like his daughter just like any other, and he is a father to her as well.  And how every parent wishes more than anything we could GIVE our experiences to our children, so they could know, but they can’t know until they go through it.  I guess I loved the most how the family rallied around A to show him support and guidance, but also rallied in support of the girls and me.  Yep, I’m kind of tearing up right now.

The day before we left, we took a walk on the beach boardwalk and the children (mine and A’s niece and nephew who are twins), A’s dad and sister and I all rode the big sky wheel overlooking the ocean.  DD1 was a little frightened, but that just turned into cuddles with “grandpa” (both my father and the ex’s are deceased—so this was the girls first experience of having a true grandpa in their memory).  The rest of the kids were enthralled.  High up in the sky, overlooking the little beach town that transformed into a toy town, full of doll-sized moving people, full of toy-sized cars, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, under the beautiful blue sky and sun, watching the children giggling and laughing, saying things like “this is SO awesome!”—it just felt like anything was possible, and everything would be okay.

Home sweet home! :)

Back from an amazing vacation with our family.  Neck deep in catch up work, but will post soon.  I am loving life right now and my heart is so so so thankful.  <3>

Two weeks! :-)

Can't wait and am so excited--two weeks away from the craziness.  Goodbye co-parenting drama, hello extended family and friends who live across the sea!  (Wait, isn't there drama with family trips, too?  hee hee hee, noooo!  just kidding.)  I am so excited!!  Wish us luck!  <3 br="">

summer vacation--the blues before the sunrise, i hope

Today, I am simply worn down by all the crappity crap.  I don’t know why I wake up each morning, thinking it will be different.  Isn’t that one of those common sayings, that insanity is attempting to do the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different outcome?  I feel like I’m in the hamster wheel of nitpicky and the spokes are made of blaming innuendos and accusatory comments.

Example 1: the children were out of school all last week due to fevers; while their energy level (when on the drugs)  and appetites were fine, they just couldn’t shake the temperatures.  So I stayed home with them one day (the others were his vacation days), and we knew the next day was his birthday, and by decree, the children stay with him from “after school until 8pm.”  Except with fevers all day, there is no school, and I suggested maybe he could spend some time with them during the day, rather than keep them up late, and let them go to bed at their normal bed times (7:30pm).  He said he would think about it, but of course in came the email that no, he would have them after school until 8pm, because by golly, it’s “his time.”  So having them stay up past their bed time so they could be with him for “his time,” trumps what’s best for the sick children.  Great.

Then, the exchange, which he fought me on forever, he had originally chosen a poorly lit parking lot, and I stood my ground on that one with the support of the co-parenting mediator, suggesting two other places with better lighting and more traffic, safer for the children (and for me).  He picked a third place, fine, as long as it wasn’t the original dark parking lot.  I get to the exchange parking lot early, notice there isn’t parking close to the grocery store entrance, so park further down the row, directly underneath a streetlight, plenty of empty spaces nearby and lots of lighting.  I text him exactly where I am located, and settle in for the wait.  Twenty minutes later (yes, late, whatever), he pulls up, drives right by my car and passes me, parks the furthest down the lane that he can, nowhere near streetlight.  Le sigh.  The exchange with the children went fairly okay, thankfully, some alligator tears from baby sister who normally perks up after a few minutes—and she did.   I also decided to distract them with a drive thru run at starcrack and kids hot chocolates, which gave them something to be chipper about and spread their focus a little.

However, big sister was more thoughtful and conflicted, and as I pulled up to make our order, she started asking me why daddy “gives you all his money,” and “that’s why he’s poor and you’re rich.”  I told her I’m sorry daddy feels that way, but he is a grown up, and so is mommy, and it’s our job to take care of her not the other way around.  Then she asked what the money was for, so I told her it is called child support and it’s set by the judge who makes the rules, and it pays for things like going to the doctor or baby sister’s preschool or her before and after school care.  Then she asked how we met, and I reiterated that when we met and had her and baby sister, that mommy and daddy loved each other very much, and then after a while mommy and daddy had big grown up problems, so big, that the best thing to do was to have a divorce.  Of course she asked me “what big grown up problems?” and I told her when she was a big grown up, I could talk to her about it then, but right now she is a third grader and I needed her to concentrate on being a third grader.  Lastly, she asked why she couldn’t just stay overnight at dad’s, because they were going over for the week end, and I told her that we had to follow the  visitation schedule, and she said that it wasn’t fair.  I responded:  The judge made the rules about when you stay with mommy and when you stay with daddy, and we have to follow the rules, so it’s fair because of that.  But even if it doesn’t feel fair to you, we have to make the best of the situation, because that’s how life works.  No matter what we encounter, we have to make the best of it.   (Mind you, this was all in the drive-thru!)

Then on the way home, I asked if they had a birthday dinner with dad, and they said oh yes!  It was yummy!  And I responded that was great! and so glad they had fun!  and I asked if this Aunty came or that uncle, or Uncle R who lives with dad and grandma.  And big sister said, oh no, Uncle R doesn’t talk to us.  He’s only allowed to talk to grandma or dad.  I had thought that was the case, so I didn’t push it, I just said, well, I know Uncle loves you very much, and when you were a baby, big sis,  uncle played with you all the time.  So even if he doesn’t talk to you, be sure to be nice to him and say hi.  Baby sister chimed in and said that he never talked to them, too.  Then big sister said, Uncle only talks to dad or grandma when they’re fighting.  And I said, what fighting, you mean tonight? And big sister said, no, mommy, don’t you remember?  You where there, when I was hiding under the table.

Cue to four years ago, dad had just kicked big sister on the ground at his mother’s house, and the only one who stood up to him was his brother.  A huge yelling match ensued between the brothers, with me and the girls hiding in the other room, followed by an abrupt departure, not the greatest memory and one I had thought DD1 had forgotten, but apparently not.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said, oh yes, I do remember, and Uncle R loves her and baby sister very much.  And by that time, we had arrived home, and the girls—obviously feeling better from their fevers—ran into the house and watched So you think you can dance with A for a little while before bed.

The following morning I woke up to a lovely accusatory email about how I gave the children diarrhea by giving them hot chocolate the previous day before dropping them off (?Seriously ?) and also filled with lovely misleading statements about how I parked in a completely different parking lot, nowhere near the grocery store, and that I was to show up at the ‘agreed upon’ spot and how he has made concession after concession, blabbity blah.  Because that email was not for my benefit, that is for the cc: of the coparenting mediator.  I responded with a two liner:  no spots near the entrance, parked at the end of the row leading to the grocery store, plenty of light and empty spots nearby, I thought that helpful to the exchange.

I find this all tiresome.  Writing about it is tiresome.  I’m sure reading it must be even more tiresome.  I’m so sorry to just be a sad, venting lady today, I’m so tired of all of this baloney.  I’m stressed, I’m not sleeping well, the kids are stressed because the timing of his ‘summer vacation’ means there are a lot of back and forth at the end of it, and they can’t make head or tails of it, they feel the pull of his emotional neediness and respond.  With DD1—she internalizes and mulls and worries.  With DD2—she is more like an energizer bunny yoda, but she feels it, too.  It’s really difficult on all of us, and it makes me so sad that one person who is so focused on his emotional neediness is affecting all of us.  I’m trying to see the positive to all of this, the whole being the change I want to see in the world, but it’s difficult to keep the eye on the ball, difficult to stay bright--our family trip is coming up soon, and it will be so nice to get away from all of this for a little while.  I’m so tired.