One thing that has taken me years to learn is to “disengage” from my
former spouse—which is harder to do when co-parenting and there has to be some
regular form of communication.
Especially when dealing with someone who likes to have “control,” and I
can only really speak to my own experience of having been married to someone
who is product of a cycle of domestic violence, an adult child of an alcoholic,
and while we are the masters of our destinies in some ways (I know people who
have come from violent households and do not repeat the violence in their own
nuclear families), in my case, he did not heal from it.
So I learned that when the “control” is lost—through divorce,
protections from the courts, clear and concise and detailed directions from the
judge—the person who used to have so much control, will take steps, in whatever
venue he or she has available to them.
Sometimes it will be through small, targeted, mean-spirited comments
with the children; this is when I found it necessary to have a play therapist
involved, especially because my girls are small. Other times, it will be exerting influence
with neutral, third party people involved with your family, convincing them
that you (I) are the liar, manipulator, mean person. And sometimes, it will be targeted directly
to you, with biting commentary, accusatory comments, insinuating that you have
done something wrong.
Here is what I learned:
Negative Commentary, directly or
indirectly about you to the children:
in the instances with negative commentary to my children from my ex, I can
address the commentary, but in very basic terms, and without engaging in a
power struggle. i.e. my oldest child
told me: “Daddy says he’s poor, because
he gives all his money to you.” Rather
than say, “that’s not true!” (because the kids love both parents, it just
confuses them and engages in a power struggle of what’s true or not), I’ve
learned to reply, “I’m sorry daddy said that to you,” or “I’m sorry daddy feels
like he doesn’t make enough money.”
Inside you may be thinking: what
a crock of horse-sh*+! He drives around
in his fancy truck, he spends money on all of this or that, I spend way more
money on taking care of the kids—but do your best to halt that internal
commentary. It doesn’t matter. You can’t control what your ex will say to the
kids, period. Even if I could tell him
to stop it, he wouldn’t listen to me.
So, we can only help our children deal with it in the terms of how to be
supportive and listening, and yet disengage and gently reassure them. i.e. saying “I’m sorry daddy feels that way,”
validates our children’s feelings, that they are worried about their dad, and
at the same time, does not put them in the middle. (i.e. if you say, no he doesn’t! then they are left wondering—who is telling
me the truth?) They will grow up and
figure it out. And honestly, small
children do not need to be worrying about money.
Along those lines, it is not my children’s responsibility to “take
care” of my ex, or of course, me. Should
they be worrying about dad’s money?
Furthermore, should they be worrying about mine? Or any “adult” problem at the moment? Most likely not—they should be concerning
themselves with figuring out who they are, learning at school, playing with
their friends, etc. etc. I am speaking
of my own girls, DD1 is in elementary school, DD2 is in preschool, so thinking
age appropriate awareness of “adult” issues is less at this age than middle
school and high school. Anyway, re: this
particular commentary to my kids and how to handle it—I got this great advice
from our play therapist. Because of the
nature of our divorce (abusive behavior), having a play therapist who
understands the cycle of domestic violence, and also understands that children
love their parents, pretty much regardless of what they do, has been immensely
helpful. I am so fortunate that
currently, my kids are doing well and we got out early enough that I do not see
lasting scars, no PTSD for them, thank goodness, and I know some families
aren’t so lucky. And at the same time, I
feel comforted that there is an extra set of eyes and ears for my children,
that if something ever did come up from dad’s house (please, no!), it would
hopefully show up and then be addressed in play therapy.
Influencing Neutral, Third Party
Persons involved with your family: It’s
hard to swallow this one at first, but there’s not much you can do about
someone who is negative campaigning about you.
In my case, there was a pre school teacher involved who seemed
sympathetic to my situation (the school had to be notified about the TRO), and
very supportive, but in the end, she was called as a witness for my ex-husband
in court. The thing is--my ex husband
would never dare act violently in public, so the school would never have a
concerning thing to say about him. All
of his actions happened in secret, behind closed doors, so no one would see
except for us, and on occasions, his brother and mother. And for years I went along with it, because I
was too embarrassed, and also didn’t want to believe any of it was happening in
the first place. I was both in denial
and desperate to hold onto the “good” times of our family, wishing with all my
heart the terrorizing times would disappear.
After a year of litigation, this same pre school teacher turned cold
with me, one of my witnesses saw her joking and laughing with my ex-husband and
his family at the court house, and the high profile, wealthy family that also
goes to preschool with my DD2, and for whom this same pre-school teacher works
for, began giving me the cold shoulder at every school/social event, i.e. prior
to this pre school teacher’s involvement with my ex—this family was generous with
invitations to their birthday/Christmas parties, etc. etc., and then following
the trial, barely a civil hello. Could it
be related? That he negative campaigned
against me enough that this affected my relationship with the preschool teacher
and this family? Perhaps. Is there anything I can do about it? Nope.
Here is advice that I found helpful and took me a long time to get used
to: you know your truth. You know what you lived through. The people who matter, will believe you. Everyone else, well, they are just random
comets passing through your solar system, and you hope they will pass you and
leave you alone. Build your own shields to
protect you from cold looks, thoughtless comments, and don’t engage. A thick skin goes a long way—because the
truth is, with people who may be judging you along the lines of your ex, you
cannot convince them otherwise. And nor
should you have to. Just be you. Take care of your kids. Love them.
Take care of yourself and love yourself.
And of course it stings at first—we are all social human beings, we want
people to understand us, even like us, and when they don’t…it can sting.
If there are professionals involved with your case, i.e. the play
therapist or a mediator or co-parenting counselor, continue to stick to the facts,
remain truthful, be a broken record if you have to. You know the truth. Your ex may be saying all kinds of things
about you, and you may learn more of what he says in these forums, but only you
know yourself and your children the best—and only you can be the one to protect
your kids. No one else will advocate for
your children, only you. These
professionals will believe you, or not.
They are trained to stay neutral.
In domestic violence cases especially, be mindful of who has training
around the cycle of violence and who does not.
As long as you, your children, your privacy, your health and safety and
that of your kids are protected, all else is just noise. And if
it turns out that a professional shows bias in any matter against you, do
yourself the biggest favor by advocating for someone who can be neutral.
Commentary directed entirely to
you: How to handle needling,
accusatory commentary took the longest for me to learn. Having PTSD around the abuse, I am so
thankful that he cannot come to my house, call me on the phone, talk to me
directly in private. Instead, he is
relegated to email and/or text messages.
I have heard from other single parents and have experienced it myself,
however, that “emails” quickly turn into “e-mauls” and are designed
(intentionally? Unintentionally? It
doesn’t matter, effect is the same) to break you down, make you feel small, put
you on the defensive, because it is the only way the person who used to
dominate you attempt to regain dominance.
My attorney and my therapist have determined that he still wishes to
‘engage’ in a relationship with me, which is why I would get pages of
single-spaced diatribes in my inbox.
And this may sound counterintuitive, but no matter what accusatory crap
may be in an email, do everything you can not to respond. Just don’t do it. At first, it’s so difficult, he is saying
that you are putting the children in harm’s way! That you neglected to tell him why the
children got a bump on their knee at school, so it must be your fault! That the youngest one is now sick after being
at your house all week, it’s also your fault!
That you failed to return the girls’ panties (seriously?) you are
purposely withholding items from him!
But responding to petty crap like this has no bearing on the health and
welfare of your children. Does any of
the e-maul have to do with pick ups or drop offs? Medical appointments? Then do not respond.
One of the lessons I’ve learned is to scan through the e-mauls, and
challenge myself to respond in the fewest words as possible, that will address
and relay needed information. i.e. To a two paragraph single spaced description about
how the children’s coughing has increased since being at your home, when you
know the children were fine the entire time with you—a simple response of “Girls
have been in good health.” To a paragraph
diatribe demanding that you not call the children’s grandmother’s house when she
is watching your sick child while you were working (because he is attempting to
control how and when you communicate to anyone related to him), you can
respond, “I do not agree and am allowed to check on my sick child directly.”
Etc.
It took about a year before the longer diatribes stopped. In fact, up to less than a year ago, and when
he heard about my now-fiance, I did get inappropriate commentary and
questioning that were deemed invasions of my privacy. Again—pick up? Drop-offs? Health? Then, no, maintain a good boundary and
preserve your privacy. Give the minimal
response you can that maintains coparenting, and everything else falls by the
way side.
Truthfully, I still get a pang of terror when I see his name in the
inbox, but it’s getting better. Because
by not engaging, his accusations and communications have become more
brief. I’ve also learned to not respond
and get upset by his petty comments. And
now, there’s something I’m kind of (okay, *really*) proud of. He is no longer a danger to us in our
house. Through years of grit and
determination and times where I thought I’d simply die, seriously, die from the
pain: I have created a sanctuary that is
just ours, the girls and me. I have kept
my heart in tact and my soul, too, and now my sanctuary will soon include my
sweetheart, loving, dashing, understanding, kind,
fiance-very-soon-to-be-husband.
My ex-husband is no longer the Wizard of Oz who reigns terror and
control and anger in the household.
Through three years of litigation, therapy, and court orders, he has
been relegated to the small, petty man
behind the curtain.
And I am so happy that we are ready for our new life, and that I have
the tools to deal with whatever comes at me, through painstaking hard work,
trial by fire, the support of my famly, my friends through it all. Through all of this, I managed to become
luckier than I ever could have imagined.
<3
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