The year 2015 in Review!

 

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I got this wonderful idea to review my "2015" blog year from the wonderful Lisa Thomson.  She's one of the reasons that I think blogosphere can be healing—we’ve connected through writing, and I continue to be inspired by her story from healing after a complicated divorce.

So here goes!

In January, I was "contemplating" the end of the co-parenting compromise road.  My ex was being contentious when it came to his obligations in supporting the girls with their extracurricular activities and medical copays—I see it now in hindsight as his means to ‘control’ a situation, intentionally or not.  But after two years of cherry picking what he’d support and/or pay for (including medical bills), I’d had enough, especially because DD2’s schooling was being called into question.

So while I was dealing with potential litigation relating to child support, education, and the extracurriculars, I had an opportunity with DivorcedMoms.com to write about “I saw the red flags, but I married him anyway.”  Writing that article was a therapeutic trip down memory lane, to consider how far I’ve come from the person I was before.  I did believe in the good in my Ex, and I did believe in the powerful transformation that loving someone can bring.  But I learned the hard way that “love” cannot “fix” someone who cannot or does not want to solve their innermost challenges.  Our “love” is not responsible for someone else’s anger problems.

In March I took a break from mulling over co-parenting challenges and celebrated our new family member, G.  G came to us a 10 lbs 6 week old puppy and is now 45 lbs.  She is, technically, bigger than DD2!  

In April, I was still worried about DD2 transitioning into Kindergarten (hence the private school fight with the ex), but I also came down with a rip-roaring case of the stomach flu.  Hubby took such thoughtful and careful care of me and the girls—it was a great reminder as to how I can count on him to save the day.

Then in May, the issues with the Ex were exploding to the surface, and I had to write about the CS modification and the next court battles, which thankfully ended up settling, but not before a helluva crap pile of PTSD stress and turmoil.

Onward to June, when the United States Supreme Court legalized gay marriage and I was so super happy to take a moment out of my absorbed co-parenting challenged life, and celebrate that Love is Love.  And that Love really does win in the end. (it just can’t fix people with anger problems!)

In July, my DD1 shoved me square into the ringer, asking me what SEX is all about—wow, my first sex talk!  And p.s. she’s since asked a bunch more questions, which I think is good that the communication channel is open and she feels safe enough to discuss these things with me.  Basically, she still thinks it sounds GROSS, but she is understanding the physical fundamentals and most importantly, HER body is HER body.

In August, I reflected on the anniversary of when my ex husband left—and while he threatened that I’d really “miss what I do around here,” I found out that while I was sad about the end of our marriage, I was glad that he wasn’t doing what he used to do around here.

In September, I was happy about the fact that my kids were settled into their new school year (especially DD2, who started kindergarten at a school of which there was much conflict about during the summer), and everyone seemed to be doing well.  But the Exie through some new curve balls at me with insisting on assisting the girls with their baths and making subtle accusations about my Hubby having nefarious motives when it came to bath time.  Ugh.

This conflict bled into October, when I made special arrangements to vacation with my bestie and her family with the girls, because god forbid, I do anything fun with them that doesn’t involve the Ex!  But fun we did manage to have, and I’m so thankful for that.

There was more co-parenting (or should I say parallel-parenting?) kerfuffle in November, which is a constant reminder that I can’t control what is said or done at Dad’s house, and my job is to support the girls when it comes to dealing with their dad.  Also, to remember that it’s important to do the best that I can, and that no one is perfect—what matters is taking ownership of our mistakes and trying to do better next time. 

I also mulled over and discussed my opinion on the Syrian refugee crisis, which was picked up by Blogher, and which received some interesting comments.  I still feel strongly that we should help people in need and not give into fear…but I realize other people feel differently than me…

Which leads us to December—the holiday season.  We had visitors for Thanksgiving, we’ve baked our little hearts out for our teachers and loved ones, we are in the full holiday swing and school is now out for winter break.  Our house is ready for DD1’s besties to come over and bake cookies for Santa and have a sleepover, we have plans with all of our pals, and Christmas eve, my daughters and I and hubby will be celebrating at a candlelight service at church—my girls possibly angels in the nativity, we’ll see if they end up dressing up.

Today there was another kerfuffle regarding DD2’s pick up from school and some nice accusatory texts given to me from the Ex.  I guess it was an early Christmas present!  But these annoyances are just annoyances.  They don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

I am so thankful to be where I am at the end of this year.  Our blended family has gone through a ton of growth spurts and challenges, and still goes through them, but my heart and mind are open for the changes, embracing the healing, hoping for peace and love and goodwill towards humanity. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year! 

Dreaming of a Better Way

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Once upon a time, a well-respected psychologist that I know told me that sometimes when we dream about something familiar, like our childhood home, it’s because our minds are working out unresolved issues.  This resonated with me—I know I have a lot of unresolved issues, and I know I have a lot to work through. Some things still trouble me, hence this blog (ha!), some I’ve learned to let go, some I wish I could let go.  Maybe we have to take two steps forward and take one step back to heal.  Maybe we’re all puzzles with some pieces easily fitting together, others we struggle to fit, pushing them repeatedly and repeatedly, even when we know the ends don’t meet.  (By the way, I do love a great jigsaw puzzle—my mom used to set them up at Christmas and we’d all work on it together.  When the girls get a little bit older, I’m going to introduce this holiday tradition!).

So last night, I dreamt about my ex.  And in it, he wasn’t the scary, angry, rageful person that I used to be afraid of.  He was the reasonable, self-effacing, friendly person that I fell in love with, he was that friend I had for many years before we started dating.  My dream self saw him with dread, but he simply asked me for directions, then accompanied me to various stops along the way (I think we were shopping in some random, indoor/outdoor mall type of place), until he found the store that he was looking for.  We said our goodbyes in a civilized manner.  And then I woke up.

I’ll be honest, I did have nightmares of him when he first moved out.  The threats to kill us; my girlfriend and attorney had me change the locks to my house.  I’d dream about huge fights and yelling, or sometimes I’d dream about huge fights that were enacted out by his ice old, chilling, silent seething.  I think those were almost worse than when he broke things and threw things, because it was like the calm before the storm.  At least when he was swearing and breaking and throwing stuff, it was out in the open.  (Neither of these scenarios are good, I know.)

So last night’s calm and civilized dream—I wonder if it was my mind working out some things about my ex, and in response to a heated debate I had with my hubby.  We debate a lot about my Exie and it’s getting to be tiring.  I’m of the—let’s move forward and if I can, how come you can’t?  And Hubby gets frustrated that Exie “gets away” with his misbehavior (manipulating the girls, interfering with phone calls by making them feel responsible for him, see almost every entry about coparenting challenges in this blog). Hubby’s perspective is—the children are not his children, but he loves them as his stepdaughters and he loves me as his wife, and he will do everything and anything to protect us.  And build a life for us that is free from pain and suffering.

I explained to my Hubby that over the years and because of the divorce, the Ex doesn’t hurt me anymore.  Yes, he is frustrating and a pain in the arse, but I’m no longer cowering in fear, rather, I think of the challenges that we face with Exie as facing someone like a radio with missing frequencies—we’ll never get him to tune into the FM “behave like a reasonable person” channel—the Ex has trouble taking responsibility of his actions, behavior, words.  The Ex needs to be loved in a way that is not the healthiest.  Trying to hold Exie accountable or demand he change his ways or combat and treat Exie the way he treats me and the girls so he will “change,” is just not doable.  

Instead, all of that energy and time and effort—I have to put into my job to show the girls a different way of loving and living.

Our blended family is a work in progress.  At least Hubby is aligned with the fact that we remain positive, upbeat, and neutral about the girls’ father in our home, even when Hubby gets upset about the things Exie does and says to the children.  So I’m thankful for that.

In the meantime, as my dream panned out—my exie is not a two-story monster.  He is definitely a pain in the arse, but he’s not someone who I need to be scared of.  Concerned for the well-being of my kids, yes, but no longer the threat like the monster that I so dreaded before.

Happy Holidays, from your friend, Linus (well, it's really me)

 

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All quiet on the communication front from the Ex, and I like the peace.  (Although when the silence goes on too long, I do cringe a bit; the other foot falls heavy! Cross fingers all stays well!)

It’s actually been a rollercoaster of sorts—in good and in not so good ways.  We had a wonderful holiday with our step-family, but the Ex is making us pay for it now.  He got bent out of shape regarding DD1’s homework (we missed one day of school; I assured him that we completed all required homeowrk, with the understanding/blessing of DD1’s teachers), and wouldn’t let it go.  The nasty things he was saying to me—I can only imagine what he was saying to the girls.  And in fact, DD1 did come home saying, well…dad feels bad because we spend more time with our stepfamily than with him.

I responded with the following sentiments (not all at once, but in the same general conversation): gosh, I know it’s hard for dad and it’s hard for all of us sometimes, and I’m sorry he said that—because…we do have these rules we have to follow, given to us from the Judge.  So what we have to learn to do is make the best of the situation, of whatever situation we find ourselves in.  Some people are really good at that, and others have a hard time.  I’m sorry your dad is having a hard time, and remember, it’s not your job to take care of us, it’s our job to take care of you.

DD1 seemed mollified by that, but DD2 is having a harder time.  She’s now entered a little bit of a phase that she can’t show too much affection towards me in front of her dad…and I get that..DD1 used to do that, too.  It’s like they feel responsible for him—that somehow not being overtly affectionate with me will show him that they love him.  (Sad! Not Right! It’s so hard to see them struggle with this!).  The girls’ play therapist says not to worry about it—that they confide and share their honest worries with me; that they are safe and can communicate these things, that’s what is important.  To support them in dealing with their dad—if on some level they know not to be gushy to me in front of him, and it makes their visitation go easier with him, then so be it.  It’s just noise.

They’ve been struggling with calls from their dad’s to mine, so after discussing with the girls on how to make it easier, we came up with a plan where on days that i see them in the morning, when they call at night, i'd let it go to voicemail, and send them a text back. they thought that was a great idea! but of course they tell me he doesn't show them my messages because they're "too busy" (hello, talking on the phone would take longer than reading an emoji embellished two sentence text?)  And of course at our house—we are never too busy (even when we are too busy) to call dad when it’s his turn, I always make sure the t.v. is off, minimize distraction, assure them that they feel free to talk with him as long as they’d like.  I hear them ask him for the call to be short…but he ignores them and just keeps going.  Ugh.  Just stupid, petty, small irritations.

The other night was difficult, it’s the night they come home from their dad’s, only to turn right around and go back the next day (this is the one hooey visitation scheduling that is hard to handle—hopefully it will get easier as the girls get older).  Anyway, DD2 had the case of the fussies and the opposites (I want water!, I give her water, I don’t want to drink it!, etc. etc.)  And DD1 got up and came to get me after going to bed, sharing with me a nightmare from when she was DD2’s age—about our house flooding with water so big that it separated all of us from each other and we could never be together.  My sweetheart, caring, sensitive, DD1.

I climbed into bed with DD1 and asked her—is that how you felt when mommy and daddy got divorced? She squeezed me in the tightest hug ever, and as I held her in my arms, I told her that I'd always be her mommy and i loved her no matter what, i'd always be there for her, even when she couldn't see me.  And she said that's good, mommy, and she just cuddled with me some more.  In the meantime, DD2 was sniffling and saying she was sorry for not listening earlier, and i gave her more hugs, too, that mommy always loves her, too.  That we have room in our hearts for everyone in our family.  Then, miraculously, all was well and they went to sleep.

By the way, this is the same DD1 who tells me “mommy, you are SO embarrassing” when I cheer her on at the Christmas parade, lol.  She has one foot into adolescence, and one foot back into cuddly childhood.

Anyway, let’s get back to the holidays—I’m so happy and excited, our tree is up, our lights on the carport, really enjoying these last two weeks of school before they’re out for winter break.  The girls and I have a lot of baking ahead of us, for our neighbors and teachers and friends.  All these years I’ve been trying to instill the spirit of Giving with my daughters—getting them excited to give things that we’ve made to people we know and love.  And I was talking about this, this morning in the car on the way to school, driving past the twinkling Christmas lights still up in our town, since we leave the house in the darkness before dawn.

“It’s really about Giving presents, darling; I mean, getting presents is nice and all, but I hope you and your sister remember that the season is about giving.  And we have a lot of pound cakes to bake this week end for your teachers!” 

DD1 thought about this for a minute, then replied, “Mom…you know you’re just like Linus.”

Awwww…my heart about melted into a pool of butter. 

Then DD1 followed up with her usual concrete thinking, “you know, mom, that means we have to make seven cakes.”  And my eyes about bugged out of my head, and I said, are you sure it’s seven?  Shouldn’t it be four?  Because we definitely have four for your sister.  Then DD1 rattled off all her teachers names, including her before and after school care teachers, and I was like, “oh wow, I guess that’s 8.”  And she was like, “yes!  8!” and super excited about it.  “When are we going to give them out mom?” She asked when we got to school.

So right now, I’m feeling really thankful—that my daughter understands on some level that Christmas is about giving.  Thankful that I have the means to provide a holiday season filled with fun food, baking, gifts, decorations.  That I have found strength to deal with the Ex (some days way better at this than others).  Thankful for good friends, my family, my daughters.  Let me stay thankful for these moments—especially when remembering Christmases in the not-too-distant-past that were touched by panic, depression, fear.  Thankful that we are years into a different sort of life. 

And thankful…that I will get back to the grocery store for more eggs, for all that cake baking we’ll be doing this week end. 

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Thankful for a thankful thanksgiving

I love the holidays--since I was a little kid, eating all the yummy goodness (especially my mom’s stuffing), baking cookies for santa, reading letters from “santa” whose handwriting strangely resembled my grandfather’s, decorating the chirstmas tree, checking the stocking, all the Christmas carols that have become part of my background humming since December 1^st, now decorating our house and getting the kids ready for their cookie baking. 

But…back to savoring Thanksgiving for a minute.  I’ve been grateful that Thanksgiving week end has fallen on my week end since our separation/divorce years ago (we share the day, the kids go over 10-3)…but since it’s a long week end, it’s also a good time to take a mini vacation.

This year, hubby’s brother and sister-in-law and their first grader twins flew out to see us.  The cousins had such a blast together!  (They first met the summer before last, when we all went to see them after we got married).

I’d give a blow-by-blow of all the things that we did, but I’m still in the midst of a happy, blissful, heart-full moment of the special time with my family.

Here are some of the things I’m thankful for:

·         Watching sea turtles swim so close to shore, you could almost touch them.  And watching my brother-in-law carry my niece, nephew, and DD2, each in turn, into the water to take a closer look.

·         My niece and DD2, while a year apart, nearly the same size, and two peas in a pod with their sunshine smiles and laughter and giggles, digging themselves into the sand, then holding hands so I could take a picture.

·         Getting to know my sister-in-law, since we didn’t get a chance to meet the last time we made the trek to see our families the summer before last.

·         Taking my brother in law surfing (twice) and watching him catch lots of waves; seeing him super stoked afterwards.

·         My hubby so happy and peaceful with his family here—due to respective career moves for both BIL and hubby, they hadn’t spent a Thanksgiving holiday together in more than 15 years!!!

·         Holding hands with my niece and nephew while crossing the street.

·         Seeing all four kids oohing and aahing over the napping seals on the beach, a rare sighting.

·         Introducing a favorite dessert to my SIL and the twins, called Shave Ice, and then driving back for more the next day because they loved it so much.  (My new flavor is rootbeer and coconut cream, with ice cream on the bottom!)

·         DD1 had her first snorkeling experience—and she loved it!!  She snorkeled twice in the ocean, and twice in the pool.  I still remember when we saw a gigantic parrot fish, with a little black spot on it, and when we swam back to the shallow part of the beach and stood up, she yelled, “It was so HUGE!!” 

·         All four kids made a choo-choo train with floaties and noodles in the grand pool where the cousins were staying.

·         Cooking a turkey thanksgiving dinner and eating leftovers all week end—turkey sandwiches are hubby’s and BIL’s favorite!

·         The adults ate the thanksgiving feast first this year, because the kids were busy playing in the girls’ room upstairs.  So we enjoyed a quiet dinner, then I set out the feast for them.  And we said our prayers, and I asked each kid to say something they are thankful for.   DD1: food!,  DD2: my mommy and my whole family and my whole stepfamily (swoon), Niece: my mommy!  And Nephew:  water!

·         All the countless moments in between, the laughter, the cuddles, the silly jokes, climbing on rocks near the ocean, eating meals together, adult night out to dinner while the kids had a pizza party with my babysitter, hugs, love, telling each other we love you before saying goodbye.

They left on a jet plane last night, and while they are flying thousands of miles away, the experiences we shared this past week are nestled into my heart.