Happy Spring Break: A letter to my mom

Dear Mom,

We took the girls to the north shore this past week, so we could spread the last of your ashes in the country that you thought was so beautiful when you visited us years and years ago.  We each held kind thoughts about you in our hearts and then sent you out into the sea.

I thought you’d like to know that we also took the girls horseback riding along the beach, a pretty magical experience, and one that even our surly tweenager said was “pretty awesome” afterwards.  They lined us up as we went on our 45 minute ride—A in the front on Bentley, DD2 behind him on Beetle,  DD1 next on Cody, and me following on good old Nick.  Along the way through the trees, DD1’s Cody tried to pass DD2 on Beetle, so DD1 learned how to hold back the reigns and wait for DD1 and Beetle to pass her by again.  (Our leader said she didn’t want Cody to “get away with acting like that”) and I think DD1 liked the extra responsibility—she had to remind Cody to behave a few times.

When our ride was over, I taught them how to feed apples to Cody and Beetle--holding the apple pieces on their flat palms, so the horses could easily pluck them off their hands.  (Almost all horses I have met love apples.)  They don’t like to eat hands at all—of which DD2 wasn’t so sure, until she did it a few times with Beetle nudging her some more.  (I thought you’d like that, too.)  Now, DD2 says she wants to ride horses all the time!

As we marched along the sea, I tried to remember if you had ever taken me horseback riding.  I remembered that you sent me to girl scout horse camp, and after I had arrived excitedly to meet the horse I was to care for all week, I remember being a bit disappointed that I had to “share” my horse with another girl.  Then that girl went home after the second day, and in my 10 year old glory was delighted to have my horse “all to myself”—which turned into meaning having to pick up hooves and dig the crud out and brushing and brushing and rebrushing my horse until I thought my arms would fall off, lol.  That’s what I get for being selfish!  I do know for sure that you taught me your love of all animals. 

I asked DD2 what she thought about when she put your ashes in the sea.  And she shared with me that you always had macaroni and cheese in your room for her, the one where we make it in the microwave in cups.  And she remembered picking flowers for you, so you could press them into books and then put them on cards.  I have one of the cards at work.

DD1 didn’t share her thoughts when I asked her, so I let her have her privacy around that.  At one point, she had stomped off the path where we were walking, and A followed up with her, to please be kind since this was a difficult time for mom.  And she told him, “well, it’s a difficult time for me, too!”  She was there with you that last week that you were alive, so I think your passing hits her harder than her free-spirited, in-the-moment younger sister.  She also felt better after having a snack and eating dinner—so sometimes, tweenage surliness can be comforted by filling up an empty tummy.

Mostly, we were lazy bones over the last few days of Spring Break—sleeping in, watching parts of movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Gene Wilder one) or the Penguins of Madagascar, while cooking and eating lazy breakfasts in our rental condo.  Or puzzling a 300 piece puzzle together on the little lanai table.  We ventured out of the house just before lunchtime each day to see what was around in the world.  We ate at a gelato shop that is owned by “Team America’s” Gelato Captain, who competed in the annual Gelato world championship and won the “Ice Sculpure” division a couple of years ago.  We wandered along a beach with a giant tidepool, where DD2 excitedly found a hermit crab and spotted other tiny fishes and crabs.

And lastly, I’m so happy to tell you that I finally crushed through the resistance of the girls’ father when it came to summer vacation planning.  I was zen and took deep breaths and now it’s all paying off.  We will be going to DC and New York City to see a play on Broadway—Hamilton, the girls’ favorite!  They can sing along to every single song by heart (I tell them to please not repeat the bad words outside of its artistic context, lol).  I remember you took me to Broadway when I was little, and it was an experience I’ll never forget.  It was to see “Starlight Express” and the cast was decked out in roller skates and the stage built with what looked like roller coaster tracks for the performers.  I’m so glad that with your help, I’ll be able to give them an experience like that, too.

It took us over a year since you’ve left this earth to finally put all of your ashes to rest, although I have a pendant with a tiny miniscule amount that I still wear nearly every day.  DD1 says I should probably let that go, too, and I agreed, that you’ll always be a memory in my heart, whether I have a remnant of your passing or not.

I wish you could be here to see them growing up stronger and to see them holding their own in the world.  I worry about them all the time, I worry if I’ll be enough, if somehow their volatile dad will wrest them away from my heart, if they will be happy, if they will love and be loved in the best possible ways, if the world will try and kick them down.  And if it does, if they will have the strength to resist and get back up and still retain their hearts and faith in the good.  I worry so much and yet at the same time, I see strength in their steps and grace in their walk.  Confidence and faith that I hope you passed along to me, so I can pass along to them.  I hope.

I’m sorry I was a big pain in the ass when I was younger.  And I’m sorry that I didn’t appreciate the time we had together as much as I should have.  I’m grateful to share your stories with the girls—that you traveled all over the world, that when the world told you no, you stood up and found a way to turn that no into a yes.  You are part of our nightly prayer where we say thanks to everyone in our family, to grandma g who is in heaven now.  Thank you for being a part of my heart.

p.s. last night, DD1 did share with me her "thought" as she put your ashes into the ocean--it was when we were in the hospital for DD2's birth.  You were trying to entertain DD1 by blowing up a hospital glove into a balloon.  It popped with a loud BANG, and everyone had a conniption because we thought you were going to wake up DD2.  But of course DD2 slept soundly.  DD1 said you were just trying to entertain her and I was laughing as she shared that memory.  I told her you always marched to your own drum and DD1 said, 'yeah, like she was just doing her best entertaining a 3 year old!" and I agreed.  

And...I do remember that moment, how upset the ex was, and how i was upset, too, because he was upset.  But when i step back, it really didn't matter, mom, it wasn't worth getting riled up about.  You were just being you, trying to share some love and laughter with DD1.  I'm glad she remembers that.  And I'm glad I remember it, too.

Happy Two Days after Girl's day (3/3)!

Girls Day Origami

So today’s post will be a dedication to my two favorite girls—big sister and little sister, love letters for our day in the life.

Dear Little Sister, a.k.a. Tough Girl,

Let me tell you about why we are calling you “Tough Girl.”  Yesterday, you got whacked in the head not once, but TWICE, at tennis practice.  The first time, because you ran close by another little girl and boom came the racket on the top of your head.  You recovered pretty quickly.  The second time, you were too close to someone who was practicing her serve, and BOOM, you got hit in the eye.  You were sobbing and crying and covering your eye.

When I came rushing over with an ice pack, you cried and cried some more and I wrapped you in my giant sweater and just held you.  And you asked me if your eye was going to fall out.  And I just kept hugging you and said absolutely not, your eyeball was going to stay right inside your head.  And we just kept cuddling and then finally you asked if we could go home already and I was like absolutely.  You also told me you didn’t want to go to school and I quietly told you we’d see.  But for now we were just going to keep an ice pack on and it would help make your eye feel better.

You sat at the dinner table with an ice pack over your eye and then you asked me for an eye patch.  I made one for you out of an old Delta sleep mask that they hand out on the plane.  About halfway through dinner, your spirits improved, and you started asking me about slime and how we make it.  Then you took off your eye patch and you slowly opened your eye and I told you that you looked pretty tough.  So then you wanted to look at your eyeball and then to take a selfie and you made a “tough girl” face.  And then you decided you were going to show me this dance that you had made up with your BFF at school, called the “horse-what-are-those-straps-that-humans-use-to-guide-a-horse-mommy?”  And I answered, “reins”?  And you said, Yes!  This is our “Horse-Rein” dance.   And you wiggled and shimmied all around the living room and I couldn’t stop laughing, because you said, “and this is my horse rein’ face too” and you made an epic silly face.

Moments later, apa came home from work, and you ran over to show him your “horse rein” dance.  And you gleefully told him how you were a TOUGH GIRL and had gotten whacked twice, but mommy says I’m a TOUGH GIRL and you made strong arm muscles to show him.

So by the time it was bath time, you were singing and splashing around like there was no care in the world, and when you did your nightly call with your dad, you also proudly told him how TOUGH you were.  And that even though you got hit, you STILL LOVE tennis.  (awwww).

Later, we tucked in goodnight and said a prayer for everyone in our family, and also that we hoped your eye would get better, you asked me to kiss you all over your face, but not my eye mommy, and I prayed that you would have only good dreams.  And in the morning, you were right as rain, and you bounced out of bed ready to go to school.  You kissed me goodbye and my heart is so full because of how much I love you. 

P.s. and just a note: you won your very first tennis match, singles and doubles last week end, and we are so proud of you!

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Dear Big Sister,

You are getting older now, in intermediate school, and you keep a lot of your feelings to yourself and I'm doing my best to respect your space.  At the same time, you are sure to tell me if I annoy you or if you’re frustrated with how annoying I am, lol, so I’ve learned to roll with the punches.  When you’re in a good mood, I just cherish those moments, because you are physically a half an inch shorter than me and will likely grow taller, and I’m realizing how fast the time is flying by now that you’re a tween.

Yesterday, well after little sister’s tennis brouhaha, I picked you up after YOUR tennis—where on the way home you proceeded to tell your dad on the phone that you wanted to scold little sister for standing too close to the other players.  (I interpreted that to mean that you care about her and didn’t want her to get hurt, awww.)  You and I also had a quick talk about the weird Momo video that’s making the rounds via youtube, and you let me know that dad already addressed it being a fake filter or something, but when I shared that little sister’s vice principal had shared it with all of the  students, your ears were listening.  All I said was that if you did see something weird, and that something weird tells you to do something that hurts you or others, to talk to me or the closest parent available immediately.  And you agreed (without rolling your eyes) and asked why that person hasn’t gotten in trouble and I answered, because they haven’t found them yet, but hopefully they would soon.  The most important part was to tell someone if you see it.  There might have been a shadow of eye rolling because I repeated myself, but that’s okay, I understand.

When we walked into the house, we discovered that apa had eaten all of the broccoli, and you said you’d give him a pass even though that's your favorite (I was the one that was more lit up about you not having your broccoli, lol, and btw I love that you love broccoli), and then you quickly downed three bowls of my home-made chili mac and cheese.  (Not counting the one bowl that you ate before practice).  I love making your favorite dishes and seeing you eat heartily—with tennis practice and your hectic school schedule and you being on the verge of getting a cold, we need to keep you healthy and full of good food!

You were psyched when you found a home made pound cake in the fridge and you asked if you could have that piece too.  We sat at the table with you, I made little sister turn off her ipad since she’d already eaten, you asked apa about his day at work.  And we all shared how our days were and for fifteen minutes, I just enjoyed being next to you (I didn’t say this out loud, because it would be EMBARASSING to you).  I shared some girls day treats that I had picked up on Sunday—little favors from an afternoon tea in boxes with “Love” and you thought they were so cute; as well as chi chi dango (rectangular rice cake) and there was a blue one, your favorite color.

It turns out one of my friends knows your math teacher, so you were asking who she was and when you saw a picture of aunty, you remarked on how pretty she was.  And when I said that Aunty wanted to come over and have a mani/pedi party with us, you thought that would be fun.  Then it became time to do homework and the only minor tussle we got into before bed was that I was hassling you to brush your teeth already, because I didn’t want you to stay up too late.

You mentioned that one of your aunties asked if you had any crushes, and I tried not to act too interested when I answered, oh really?  And you said no and halfheartedly wondered why she'd asked, and I said, well, probably because we know A (Aunty’s daughter) does.  And you laughed, because we both know it’s true.  And I said well, if you do have any questions or a crush…and you rolled your eyes and was like I won’t be telling you!  And I answered, well, I’m here for you anyway, and you tucked into bed and you had some snuggle time with our sweet dog as we said our evening prayer. 

I said goodnight to you and I kissed your forehead, like I do every night, because even though you don’t really hug me much anymore, I’m doing my best to show you affection on the regular.  Because I love you with all my heart.

This morning, you weren’t even that grumpy for getting up early and asked me nicely to help get your breakfast.  And you and Q were the only two awake in the carpool and you were playing a trivia game, and the two of you were singing along to the tunes I had on Pandora, which made my heart all smooshy.  (The other two kids were fast asleep). 

The last words I said to you when I dropped you and the carpool kids off were I love you and have a good day at school—I may have imagined it, but I think you nodded and might have smiled.  (But it’s okay if you didn’t, because being a tween is hard).

Love, Love, and all my love,

mom