Let’s start off with some positives—while this is the second
mom’s day that I am alive without my mom, I survived. Also, I did pretty well at my work
conference, having presented at three different events, representing our state
as best as I could, and I think my mom would have been proud about that.
Secondly, my girls are growing up strong and tall and smart
and sassy and loving and caring and kind and silly and loyal. I could go on and on. So that’s good too.
Now for the screwed up co-parenting world part:
Last Friday, DD2’s teacher sent a class message to all the
parents that the kids were coming home with a mother’s day gift that they had
been working on all year together. I was
out of town presenting at the said conference, and when I returned, it was to
an email from the ex saying that DD2 had forgotten the present, but it would
come home next time.
So when I saw DD2, I told her I was excited to see the
present, and DD2 started bawling, saying she gave it to Aunty (Exie’s new and
generous girlfriend), because she was visiting and going back home, so they had
packed it in her suitcase. I was
baffled, having received the email from Exie and the teacher and figured there
must be some kind of confusion. A
suspicion did start to rise in the back of my brain, however, that perhaps Exie
did encourage DD2 to give the present to his girlfriend, and I figured the best
way to find out would be to apply a little kindness.
I wrote to Exie that it sounded like DD2 was a little
confused, that she had told me that she’d given the present to Aunty by
mistake, and also that I was glad the girls had a positive relationship with
his girlfriend. That similarly, A has
always treated their relationship different than theirs, has encouraged them to
give him father’s day gifts, and would never accept a present where we knew
they had made it for Exie for father’s day.
Also, that I looked forward to meeting his girlfriend one day at a
school event, etc, as the girls seem to like her and they really like her
dog.
All in all, I felt proud of myself for going high instead of
low.
Unfortunately, the response was a long-winded, well…actually
DD2 “CHOSE” to give the mother’s day gift to his girlfriend, despite him trying
to talk her out of it and emphasizing that his girlfriend is not her mother and
DD2 wanted to give it to her anyway.
(And another long winded response about how he would ‘think’ about me
meeting his girlfriend, bringing up his past demands of how he wanted a special
sit-down meeting with A to talk about parenting and I kept refusing—baffling,
since they met at a school event, everything was fine. Exie does hang on to perceived slights and
then applies them out of context.)
The thing here is that DD2 is a young child. Exie is the adult. That’s the cue where he steps in, if it
actually did go as described, about appropriateness. The way he described is the best case
scenario, however I have been a victim and now am a survivor of his emotional
blackmail, so here we are. And then I
remembered that I can’t control what happens at his house. He may not act like the adult, but I do.
And so the crux of the story is 1) I’m sad that I don’t get
to see the present that my daughter worked all year on for me, 2) I’m angry at the double-standard that if
the tables were turned (which they never would be, A would never accept a gift
under these circumstances), Exie’s head would explode, 3) I’m sad that DD2
feels pressured to please her dad and his girlfriend to give the present to his
girlfriend, overtly or unconsciously, 4) I’m praying that DD2 doesn’t end up
with a spouse that she’s always bending over backwards to please in an
unhealthy way, and 5) at the end of the day, I know DD2 knows who her mom is.
Adulting is hard. I’m
going to cry that I don’t get to see this present and go to therapy to unpack
what that means to me on Friday.
Then I’ll pull up my grown up pants and handle this like the
grown up that I am. All the time praying
that my girls grow up with as minimal impact of his needy, manipulative ways as
possible and do not replicate it in their future relationships. Please god please let them be strong. #cry
