Friday, April 22, 2016

Of Girl Scouts, Prince, and Love

Image credit (here)

I just wrote a lengthy post about the exie shenanigans and all the details about how he maneuvered his manouverings so he could be the one to chaperone on DD1’s latest girl scout field trip to camp, but then I re-read it, and even I got sick of the everlasting b.s. that is his wish to be everything to my girls, make me “the bad guy” as my therapist puts it, and nothing I say or do will ever make it change.  That is true.  I accept it.  It sucks.  But it’s better than having him in our house.

The important thing here is that DD1 gets to go to camp.  And even though the other morning, she said, gosh mommy, I wish you could be the chaperone, I said, yes, I do too, I offered, but it’s okay dad’s going, and maybe the next time camp will be on mom’s week end—I believe it’s all going to turn out fine.  The troop is there, it’s not really about spending time with the parents, it’s about experiencing all the fun things of camp.

The coparenting counselor’s take on this is that dad just needs to understand he can’t be both mom AND dad.  Because doesn’t there still need to be another adult in the cabin?  Having dad chaperone didn’t really solve any problems, because the leader is still all alone in the cabin with the troop (dads stay in their own cabin for obvious reasons).  And it’s okay for girl scouts to do girl scout things with their moms.  Like boy scouts do boy scout things with their dads.  Me thinking:  tell me something I don’t know, and trying not to /eyeroll.

Post script:  because of a clause in our decree, DD2 comes home for some bonus time with me and hubby this week end, while the ex and DD1 are at camp.  So while I’d love to be going to DD1’s first girl scout camp experience, I’m going to be making the most of extra DD2 cuddles.

Lastly:  I’m having a hard time putting into words about our great loss of Prince yesterday.  People say all kinds of things about why would you mourn someone you don’t know?  And I thought about it—it’s not really about mourning someone I don’t know, it’s about mourning the loss of parts of myself where his music intermingled, sounds that connected me to the world, still connects me to the parts of me that make up the jigsaw of who I am today.  I can listen to this song I’ve linked, and it will instantly tether me to times, sounds, experiences of my youth, I can almost smell the incense that I burned in the dim fire-hazard house that we shared with four other twenty-somethings, feel the chill air of a blizzard creeping in under the door, hear the laughter, feel the amazement, embrace the jubilance and glee that being young was—like I was drunk on life.  

Of all the people in the world, why should I love you?

Yep, I was inebriated by life.  I wonder what it would be like to feel that way again.  Experiences and PTSD have brought me to another place altogether these days, but I wonder, if maybe I still am part of that…maybe twenty years from now I’ll look back here and think, wow, I was really in the stream, really just, drunk on love, drinking the experiences of life, despite the fear and hardship, still living joyously, still living with love.

I hope so.

Thank you, Prince, for your music lives on in all of us, in all of our hearts, in all of our memories.  I'm so sorry for your loss to the people who love you and know you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving your art to the world.


  1. Wow. So beautifully expressed, Jane. I feel exactly the same way about the loss of Prince although I couldn't articulate it so eloquently. When Doves Cry and Little Red Corvette bring back so many vivid memories. Also, Purple Rain...

    As for the co-parenting, it's so hard to miss a milestone. Your positive attitude is everything though! More cuddles with DD2 sounds like a wonderful tradeoff. Now I'm going to listen to that song! :)

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by, Lisa :) extra dd2 cuddles was just what the doctor ordered. I hope you liked the song!!! <3

  2. Bonus time! Sounds great. And an opportunity for DD1 to spread her wings a bit anyway. Hope it goes lovely!! (And I totally get you on the at least he doesn't live here...I could write a book about that).

    1. Thanks so much Liv!! DD1 had an AMAZING time, the sweetheart. She was a little salty that DD2 and I went to get pedicures while she was out roughing it, ha ha ha, but all is well. And if you write that book, I'll read it with the greatest empathy!! <3