changes

something kind of big just happened.  someone involved with our case has resigned. that someone had lost her neutrality and was emotionally pressuring my daughter to 'feel dad's pain,' and asking her about custody and visitation with her dad.  which i think is fine to discuss with my daughter--IF my daughter brings it up to be discussed.  don't go needling her and making her feel guilty, first of all, she's too young to even know what guilty means.  she already worries too much about her dad, she doesn't need an extra layer of responsibility placed on her.  Rather, she needs to be supported as we transition post divorce and into the future.  that it's going to be okay and it's okay to have feelings and sometimes be angry and sometimes be happy and sometimes be relieved.  her feelings are her own and it's not someone else's job to bring more complications into the picture.   

truthfully, i think it's best for my children to understand that an authoritative force outside of mommy and daddy came into play.  to understand that this is nobody's "fault" but the factors of our lives created a situation where we have this arrangement and that it will be okay.

with relief comes new stress to find a new person into our lives and i pray that person can be neutral.  i'm not asking for anything more than to support my children in this transition.  please let this person be neutral.  

disengage

the last two days have been unexpectedly freeing. 

i somehow have managed to disengage from the madness, and that is liberating.  my ex seems to be having a temper tantrum, and for some reason i'm able to handle it okay, let him have his temper tantrum in the corner somewhere, and be thankful it's no longer my smack dab center in my life, in my home, among my children.  <3  <3 <3

i've heard the phrase:  you can't control what he does, you can only control how you react to it.  it's hard not to get triggered, so very hard.  when slime is thrown at you, you can't help but feel slimy.

today, i don't.  i feel free.  i really can control how i behave and how i react.  today i am strong.  and thankful.  <3  <3  <3

take it on the chin

the last couple of weeks have been full of highs and lows--lovely to have traveled for work and then tacked on a rendesvouz with long time girlfriends.  eating our way through the city and laughing and giggling through the night.  an adult beverage (or two) in hand.  a reminder that my heart can be carefree for just a while, can feel like i'm 20 years younger simply by cracking a joke and my stomach in cramps simply because i can't.stop.laughing.  it's kind of amazing.  how i feel the same on the inside, it's just the outside has changed with time.

and at the same time that i was so happy bustling through the city, i also dreamed and wished and longed for home, even though i knew there was adversity waiting for me.  i missed my babies, and when i returned to them, they were loving, cheerful, happy, playful.  until bed time when they became fussy and tired and, well more fussy as can be expected.  they'd been at dad's and their grandmother's for the week, and the transition was hard.

the thing is, while the litigation is over and the divorce is final and the custody ruling is in, there is one leftover fight that is being fought and i'm just so tired of fighting.  i almost want to give in because i'm tired.  i'm afraid.  it's the same story, about not being believed, about being questioned, about being lied about.  i just can't take it anymore.  i want to move forward with a clear head and clear heart, our new life.  but there is someone involved with our case who is undermining the court ruling and who has aligned with children's father. who has brought up custody with my little girl and is confusing her because of it, with much more potential to confuse her in the future.

i know that my daughters are emotionally 'leaned on' to put it nicely (blackmailed to put it not so nicely) when they are not with me, and i can't subject them to more of that elsewhere.   i have taken it on the chin for so long, at some point, we just have to say stop.  i just have to say stop.  i do not revel in this process.  i want it to be taken care of.  i foresee a future of squabbling and taking the high road and okay i will do that.

for today, i just want the right thing to be done by my children, and i need the strength to do it.  please help me be strong, even when i feel like whimpering and crawling into the corner.  please let me be brave.