Thursday, November 13, 2014

Thoughts on blended families?

I love my husband with all of my heart. We dated for a year before we got engaged. The girls adore him.

When he moved in this past April, I expected some 'transition' issues, but I had no idea the extent. He was very angry about how the ex treated (and treats) us, and that's understandable. He made demands that the ex cannot drop the children off at our home, which I thought was fine, set up a boundary, we have a third party drop off spot, for the absolute rare occasions the exchanges do not happen at school. turns out hubby can't stand where we live, and i also understand that, because it's where we lived when I was married to my ex. At the same time, I love my home, I'm so proud to have survived and made it "our own"--and truthfully, i've lived there twice as long as when the ex was there. but when I say, okay, let's move, he wants to move to another town altogether, and that would make my commute absolutely horrendous--because i couldn't change schools without it being a major pain in the arse, unless the girls get into a hugely expensive private school, which we would have to pay for because you know who would not pay a dime. but part of me is concerned--there was never any illusion about where we would live--i understood wanting to 'start over,' and supported moving out, but he hates the town--which i disagree with, it's a beautiful little town. property value here is high, so investing would be a smart investment. it's safe, the kids love it, DD1 loves her school...

so, he feels 'trapped' and again, i understand, but I don't know what to do about it. i can't change how he feels, and he refuses to try couples counseling. I guess i'm flabbergasted in a way--i've always been absolutely transparent about the complexities of our life, and dealing with my nasty ex--the best offense is a great defense (which is to disengage). He has gotten better about dealing with the ex.

I just don't know what to do. we have these nasty blow ups, and it's very stressful. he wasn't like this before he moved in, and i thought we would work through it, but this latest blow out, it just makes me so tired and stressed. i can't concentrate on work, i can't concentrate on being with my kids. it's just...i don't know what to do. it's not like i hid ANY of the warts of what it would be like living with us, but maybe he just didn't believe me, or thought he would be able to change it all.

if anyone could give me advice on blending families, i'd really appreciate it.


  1. Wow Jane that's a tough one. We moved to a different town to get farther away from the ex. I hate to say it...but maybe you should consider it. The girls are young enough...maybe if you're willing to listen to him, he'll be more open to listening to you...

    1. HI Liv, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!

      We talked to one attorney about moving, and basically we're tied to location unless I can change the girls' schools...did you keep your kids in the same schools when you moved? We did have a long talk and he apologized for his nasty commentary, and has said it makes sense financially for us to stay here...that maybe if we renovate a little bit, it will make him feel better. We'll see.

      p.s. I actually support 100% his being upset and the transition stress, what was hard was that he just kind of 'blew up' with nasty commentary and assumptions :( all of which he apologized i'm hopeful. thanks again for listening!!

    2. I can certainly understand that he feels like he's living in your ex's shadow...I'll bet it feels like an anchor to both of you sometimes, and the house is only a further reminder. My eldest started school a month after we moved and my daughters day care was near work - so there was no change for her. Our timing was actually quite good. Glad he apologized. I'm rooting for you guys. If we lived in the same town I'd like to think we'd have barbecues with the kids and not talk about our exes at all. ��

    3. I agree, Liv!! :-) Thank you so much for your kind words of support. And you are right--BBQs and beach days!! <3