Friday, February 12, 2016

Rise Above

Image credit (here)

Yesterday, I finally heard back from the Exie (after three weeks) regarding my proposed mother’s day week end swap.  Nevermind the fact that if I took three weeks to respond to an email or note in the parenting notebook--the nitpicking comments, the arrows drawn in the notebook, the email reminders, would never stop.  But I digress.

Here’s the situation—mother’s day week end falls on dad’s week end this year.  Yes, by decree, we each get to spend some time together for mother’s day/father’s day, but if we do so, then we swap the time either the previous or subsequent week end.  It’s a lot of back and forth for the girls.  So…I am asking for a swap of the week end itself.  

I didn’t just come up with this idea and run with it—I consulted our coparenting mediator about it and she thought it sounded more than reasonable.  Just make it easier on the kids, a straight Friday pick up, Monday return to school, no one loses time.

So off I emailed, saying could you please swap the Mother’s day week end.  

And the response?  I’ll consider it, but it’s too far away to make any plans.

Right, because, it’s so much easier not knowing when the children are with our respective households for planning purposes.  Nevermind the fact that our week ends are locked in for the next 13 years—so essentially—there’s “plans” on the books for years to come…?

So of course I was upset and so angry and cursing (by myself, in the bathroom, the kids already asleep in bed).  Half of it was not just at his passive-aggressiveness, but because I let him get to me again.  That I was SO upset that I was crying.  

I forwarded the email to the coparenting mediator, with just one sentence, “do you have any advice”?  And then I took a soothing bath and went to bed.

Well…this morning, I see another email in my inbox, from the Ex, replying to my email to the coparenting mediator—in my fuss, I had sent it to him instead of her.  He said, “tell Dr. [  ] that I said hello.”  

Okay, so now I’m just laughing.  It’s quite absurd.  Everything.

The passive-aggressiveness isn’t a surprise, why should I be surprised?

That he must enforce his “control” by not getting back to me about MOTHER’s day—is more reinforcement as to why I got out of this relationship in the first place.

Yes, I admit it, the first thing out of my angry head was:  just wait until you ask me for a favor bub, forget you.  (or other harsher words).

But…I have to remember something.  I got out of this relationship for many, many reasons, this being one drop in a big pot.  While he is hanging onto his control and sending me nitpicking emails—I get to have a new life, with my hubby (we’re going on a sweet staycation this holiday week end), and the time with my girls is precious, whether I get to see them on Mother’s day week end or not.  

I feel sorry for him—that he is so insecure in his relationship with the girls that he grasps at straws, makes them feel like they can’t talk to me on the phone, that he leans on them to take care of him (not good for them but we’re still working on it).  

I feel sorry for my girls, that I chose this insecure and angry and power-needy person to be their father. 

But we will make it.  I can make it.  I will continue to be kind, loving, hopeful.  I’ll work on not being surprised when he acts like himself.  I’ll hold onto hope and faith and straight up commitment to help my girls make it out of childhood and do as much damage control and healthy boundary building that I can.

Here’s to hope  <3 p="">


  1. Same here. My daughters birthday falls on a school day - his day. I'm entitled to part of the day but it doesn't make any sense for him to drop her off at 8 when she has to be at school anyway. So I asked if I could take her for lunch. No response. Nothing. Then she tells me that he said it was ok. I have nothing in writing. So do I go? I have no idea. At least she knows I want to.

    1. Oh Liv, that's horrible!! Classic messaging through the kids. Really. Ugh. I swear your ex and my ex are two peas on a pod. Wish they would ship off to another country for an extended vacation. Good luck with the birthday lunch!!!!!

  2. Control is the big thing with these guys. If you think you can see your girls on mother's day? He'll make sure to interfere. Sigh. This is sounding so familiar, Jane. My ex told my daughter she didn't have to call me or get a card let alone see me on mother's day. That was when we were co-parenting. she was 15. It was a nightmare. Sorry, this isn't about me. You are setting such a great example for your girls. Don't be afraid to push back at him when necessary. I know you take the high road and do what's best for the girls though.

    1. Hi Lisa, I welcome your comments and sharing of your experience-it really helps!! And I'm so sorry that your ex did that to your daughter...your poor daughter...!! And poor you!!!!

      Lisa, you are an inspiration...and proof that we can get out of this co-parenting drudgery alive and well. :). Thank you so much for stopping by and for your encouraging words. So far, no response to my follow up, but I'll definitely update... Hugs!!!!