A little light

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Well, sure I was all brave when I wrote my last post, but now I’m not so brave.

This past week end, I woke up at 2am each night, brain and heart filled to the brim with anxiety.  Scared for my girls, worrying about my new job responsibilities, overwhelmed.  And this was even when I was on a lovely staycation with my hubby, a beautiful vacation spot where I was supposedly taking my own advice on how to cope.  I clearly wasn’t coping that well.

I guess my heart knows what it wants—to be with my girls, to have them home with me, to hear their laughter, even their arguing, lol. 

And the guilt.  The kids deserve to feel settled.  They don’t deserve to be shuttled back and forth all the time.  As DD2 gets older, the dynamics of visitation will change.  Add a week end here.  Add an overnight there.  She’s already showing transitional stress when we exchange.  It’s all very frenetic.  When I think about it, I think back to the trial, I think could I have done anything differently? 

My girls.  I’m so sorry that we have to have two houses. 

I know you love your dad with all your heart.  I know there’s room in your heart for everyone who you love.  I wish I could trust that he won’t lead with anger first.  I wish I could let go of the worry and the fear and the anxiety.

Instead, I called my therapist, who reminded me that when things are out of control, that’s where I flip out.  I can’t protect the girls when they are over there, so I worry.  I can’t anticipate every aspect of my new job responsibilities, so I worry.

Take a deep breath.  We can’t control many, many things out there in the world—and that’s part of living.  Challenges so big they seem like the empire state building, well, use your wits, grab hands, and start climbing.  Piece by piece, step by step.  It’s okay if that’s all you can do for now.

The minutes tick by.  The hours, too.  Keep doing your best, in the moment, and take care to take care of what you can. 

So I guess I’m back at that advice after all.  Hug, pray, laugh when you can.  Let the light splay out into the darkness a little bit.  Or as much as you can.