Image credit here
Well,
we did it! DD2’s back to school night
was this past week, and I was gearing up to go it alone, be the perfect
professional divorced mom and put up a brave, positive, upbeat front. I did do all of that, but hubby ended up
coming in support of DD2 and for me as well.
Hubby
and the ex shook hands, we ended up sitting all together, the girls were happy,
DD2 spent time in dad’s lap and in mom’s lap and even cuddled with hubby for a
bit, and I enjoyed that everyone was on their best behavior for the girls. Two steps forward. Yes!
So
three things that I observed:
1) When
DD2 asked who was going to Back-to-School night, and when I said we all were,
she immediately whispered in my ear that she was worried she was going to get
in trouble, “because daddy says he’s her only real daddy.” And I whispered back, yes that’s true, daddy
is her real daddy, but she won’t get in trouble, because back to school night
is for everyone in the family. And p.s. A
is her step-daddy, so that makes him a parent, too. She nodded thoughtfully. And based on the evening, and her gleeful
running around proudly showing us her classroom, her friends, and her artwork—hopefully
she feels okay and hopefully she *won’t* get in trouble.
2) Hubby
was gracious, was the first to shake Exie’s hand (so he couldn’t really refuse),
hubby participated in conversations with the teachers but made it a point not
to leave Exie out, was inclusive, and also maintained appropriate boundaries
i.e. when DD2 decided she was tired of sitting around listening and wanted to
climb and play, hubby told her no, you have to sit with daddy or mommy. (Awww…swoon.
Seriously, swoon.)
3)
Before bed that night, maybe it had to do with the three of us being out
together, maybe the contrast of our house vs dad’s house, who knows, really—DD1
had another moment where she said she didn’t want to grow up, because she didn’t
want to be like Uncle F. (Uncle F is my
ex’s brother, the one person in that family who stuck up for the girls in the
face of my ex’s anger outbursts, who also tried to come between my ex and their
mother when ex would take out his aggression on their mom, too. The one person who went on record that my ex
has an anger problem and that he feared for the kids’ safety. They all live in the same house now, and when
the kids go to visit, DD1 has told me on numerous occasions that they’re not
allowed to talk to Uncle F.)
And
when I asked what do you mean you don’t want to be like Uncle F? DD1 responded
that she wasn’t allowed to talk to him, because remember he fought with daddy
about her and DD2 when they were little, and I responded—you know…adults make
their own decisions, and the one thing you need to know is that their fighting
is not your fault. And…it’s hard to
understand why adults make their decisions, but one day, when you’re a grown
up, maybe you can talk to Uncle F, then.
And she just cuddled up to me some more.
***
Last
thought of the day—I know I can be perfect professional divorced mom for my
girls’ sake when we have to do public events like this, or whenever the topic
of dad comes up at our house. I’ve been
doing it for five years. Some days way
better than others, but I’ll give myself a B+ for the early years, and an A-
for the last year or so. I’ve made it my
mission to be neutral and upbeat and positive for the girls about their dad and
fiercely protect the lines of communication—so they can express their feelings
without feeling judged. I hope I’m doing
that, I hope my fear from the past doesn’t color my interactions with them or
if so, in the most undetectable ways possible.
Because,
there’s still that part of me that freezes up, the PTSD part of me that is
triggered, just knowing I have to see him.
It’s what’s taking the healing process so long; I constantly have to
deal with communicating/addressing issues/cranky emails that border on
obsessively critical, or let’s just say it—accusatory nasty words. In observations of when the girls struggle
with something he says or does. UGH. It triggers all of the pain and fear, even
though in my HEAD I know he can’t hurt me anymore. Even though I’m doing my best to support my
girls to honor and trust their own feelings and voices.
Sometimes
this comes up with a specific event, i.e. back to school night, or now, Parent-Teacher
conference time, which I dread a little bit every year, because I have to ask
for a separate conference. And I worry
what the teachers will think of me when I ask, or am terrified they’ll
refuse. One year, I had to send in a
copy of the TRO and then they were super understanding, but not until I had to
go into specifics.
So it
was comforting to have Hubby with us—not only for the girls’ sake to see all the
adults in their lives behaving and getting along, but also a soothe to my soul,
too, that I wouldn’t have to do this alone.
Does that make me weak? I don’t
know, maybe it does, but I like to think of it as giving me a break from the
pressure of being the granite rock of a highroad tightrope walker. That’s what it feels like when managing my
EXIETY—for lack of a better word, lol—walking a tightrope but feeling like I have
granite for legs.
I know
I can do it alone, I have done it before, public spaces are okay. It’s the small, private spaces that are
scarier for me. The truth of the matter
is—I’m not comfortable being in a small space with my ex. The thought makes my stomach freeze up.
I’m so
happy to report that DD2’s teacher did say I could have a separate PTC this
year, and so did DD1’s, both of their PTC times will be coming up in November.
So…all
is well on that end, and I think that little kernel of anxiety that’s still
beating in my rib cage will be put to rest once my conference times are
confirmed.
Arggh,
lol. Where’s my anti_Exiety medication
again? I guess writing it down is a form
of medication, and looking forward to a fun week end with the girls is also an
antidote. Happy Friday!
