The
coping goes on. I had a mini meltdown over
the week end, it’s so hard to be apart from my daughters, but I know a lot of
that is my issue, not theirs.
And
in some of my deepest corners of missing them, I feel myself stretching to
understand how difficult it may be for my Exie to be apart from them as
well. For a moment, out of some kind of
camaraderie as parents. Then I pause and
remember how we got here, which sobers me up somewhat and hardens my resolve to
keep our girls as safe as possible. It’s
not my fault he broke toys, dishes, household items in anger. It’s not my fault that he choked the family
dog and threw him across the room on more than one occasion. It’s not my fault that he kicked my daughter
when she wouldn’t get up from the floor.
It’s not my fault that he kicked the fitness ball that my younger
daughter was holding onto when she had just learned to walk, leading her to
fall backward. It’s not my fault that he
would say he was sorry, but never followed through with actions on taking
control and fixing his anger problem. So
F you, I may understand the sadness at being apart from my daughters during an
extended visitation, it may help me empathize with your loneliness a little
bit, but F you for making this an unbearable mess to begin with, and continuing
to make life more difficult than it needs to be.
Erg. So my last post was about not having
information about where the girls were staying on their staycation with him—I had
checked in with our play therapist in hopes he might have mentioned it, and she
was like don’t sweat it, as long as you can communicate, that’s what matters,
and now he’s setting a precedent that you also don’t have to tell him (which is
kind of sad in that we as parents are so ridiculous that not sharing this information
is going to be normal—when I have shared numerously in the past). At any rate, guess what, when the girls called
me, they let me now where they were—I didn’t even have to ask, they were just open
and talkative and communicative and in good spirits, being at a happy place on
earth. And, I was happy they were where
they were, I know that place has lots of water slides, it really is hotel
heaven for kids. I love those water
slides, too, so I guess I’m just a big kid, lol.
So
onward I went with my life of work responsibilities, spouse responsibilities,
friend responsibilities, and then I got sick so was in bed for a couple of days
and when I got better, went back to work.
And checked my email and realized that I had missed a real gem from days
earlier:
Where
he accused me of interrogating the girls, had forced them to “report” to me
where they were staying, and that he was not comfortable with me knowing where
they were because he knows my husband works in the hotel industry and did not
want him to check up on them.
Me:
…
Further,
that I had never given him information on our travel locations and hotels and
that communication via cell would be fine.
(by this time, they were home, had left the hotel days ago, it was just
me neglecting to pick up my email).
After
collecting my thoughts. I wrote a civil response.
Dear
Jerkface (okay I didn’t say jerkface),
I
have numerous requests from you about accommodations for when I travel with the
girls, as well as my responses that include hotel information, contacts, phone
numbers, and addresses of where we are staying.
I understand that in the future that as long as communication is via cell
that is satisfactory to you.
The
girls are open and communicative with me and I make every effort to ensure the
girls feel comfortable and supported when they speak with you, I hope the same
is happening when they speak with me.
Lastly,
I feel sorry that you think my husband would check up on you; he has always
been open, friendly, and communicative with you at the children’s school events. I think that is an odd conclusion, so am
merely responding that is not the case.
Sincerely
Ugh. And notably, when the girls have called me
since this email, the conversations have been fast and tense on their part, saying
they have to go, and I worry mostly that they feel like they have to placate
him by not speaking with me. I actually
make it a point to answer only on the every/other day situation, so as to
lessen the stress on them. L
So
that mini-meltdown I mentioned in the beginning of this post? It’s partly because I was overcome with worry
that he was interrogating them, making them feel bad for talking to me. Partly because I’m frustrated that I’m
dealing with this craziness, and part of me worries that he will somehow “turn”
them against me. I realize now that is
just crazy thinking. Stay open, stay
communicative. Let them have a short call
when they ask, as they are kids, in the moment, may not want to talk, or it may
be their coping mechanism when being with their dad. The good news is that he’s not kicking them
or breaking stuff (at least I hope not).
The play therapist says the phone calls are something they’ll figure out
with their dad at some point, but overall they’re doing fine. I have to believe that I’m doing everything I
can for them, by being open and supportive and loving. Okay, I can do those things. They’ll be home in less than a week. The
final stretch.
p.s.
I am doing adult time things, hanging with the hubs, catching up with old
friends that I haven’t spent much time with over the last year, dinners with
pals, brunch with pals, even a day drink or two, lol. Coping with extended visitation is apparently
a marathon and not a race.
