All in a Day's Work

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Dear World,

Two exciting things happened within the last 24 hours.  First of all, a nationally syndicated television show filmed in my workplace, and I somehow talked them into letting me be an extra, lol!  It was so fun, they even styled my hair, had to get my “wardrobe” approved, lol.  I met all different types of crew members (set, lighting, sound, assistants) who were open and kind and welcoming, with many patiently teaching me all the ins and outs of production.  What I loved the most was how they took care of one another and gave special props to an actress who said essentially one line, and even though her role was “small,” they applauded her for it when she was finished, how cool!  I did get to peek and interact a little bit with some ‘bigger’ TV stars, but all in all, what I loved most about it was how cool I was treated by the crew and how they treated each other.

Secondly, I don’t want to forget what happened today regarding my work environment.  At a meeting, I re-dedicated a commitment with my two managers about creating a safe, trusting, and understanding workplace, especially with one another, so we could emulate that for our staff. 

What did I mean by that?  Well, over the last month or so, one of my managers was struggling with what she perceived were hurtful comments from another manager; that manager was blissfully unaware of the impact of his words.  However, I couched this issue as setting professional goals in 2018—that we had worked with each other for years that had established a wonderful and close relationship of camaraderie.  This relationship also bordered on “too familiar” terms at times, and that I needed their help in re-setting our professional boundaries—including being careful of the language we use when addressing one another.  My managers rose to the occasion, addressing past comments and sharing what they actually meant behind their words (nothing, of course!) and also embracing that words can have seriously unintended meanings and then authentically taking responsibility for the hurt they may have caused, being understanding of one another, and being more careful going forward.  I was so happy that they could have an honest conversation about this (in fact things came up that I hadn’t been informed of), and I guess I’m really proud that I was able to create the safe environment for them to be honest and open about their experiences. 

Heartfelt apologies and a commitment going forward to share with one another thoughts and insights followed …and the meeting ended with a true sense that we are creating a safe space for one another so that we can do so for all our staff.  Also, that this commitment is a journey--it isn’t like we’ll wake up tomorrow morning and be the perfect professional, but that we were here to help each other and share with each other to accomplish this going forward into 2018.  Wow!!  My heart was so happy I was about to burst!  (Having worked in toxic environments before, it means a lot for me to create a place of acceptance.)

And now I’m preparing for time away from the office, to snuggle up with my daughters and prepare for the holiday cheer.  Cookie baking for Santa will begin in earnest on Friday, with a girls’ slumber party to follow, and looking forward to hanging around during the girls’ school break and being lazy.  I love Christmas with all my heart, and even though I’ve been struggling with emotions and anxiety lately, I am grateful and thankful to have made it to another holiday season.  Let the lights shine!  Let love win!  Let our hearts be full of love! 

I’m so happy to be ending the year with an intention for adding love and kindness to the world, not only at home, but at work too.  Hurray!

Anxiety is a rollercoaster

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Some days at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive, I’m at the “survive” end of the spectrum.  I’ve had some great moments of strength and confidence over the last month or so, but the last few days, the pendulum is swinging the other way.  Self-doubt, and fear, and good old PTSD rearing up it’s yuckity head.  I’m so thankful to have an outlet and the means to know that I’ll get through this if I just hang in a little longer…

And at the same time, it just hurts so much.  It hurts to see my babies emotionally manipulated.  It hurts to have to wonder—what is he up to next.  It hurts that my stomach knots up in convoluted knots knowing that I’ll be facing him at a hearing next month.  I refuse to let that ruin my holidays, but I’m struggling.

So I guess I’m just reaching out to the world to say that during this time of joy and celebration, of hope and longing for peace in the holiday season, that there are also complications underneath the surface.  People who are walking through life perhaps with some holiday cheer on the outside, are also struggling to just make it through the next step, to the next crosswalk, to the next street.   Maybe loss, maybe fear, maybe pain, maybe hardship that is not apparent, but whatever it is, I just want to say a prayer out to you to hold on a little longer.  And to me, too.  Hold on a little bit more.  It will be okay, I think, I hope, I pray.

Love and kindness to the world.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS (And of course a little Ex-drama)

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Let’s start with the good—hubby’s family was here visiting for Thanksgiving, and we just laughed our hearts out for 10 days while they were here.  We went surfing, ziplining, eating, laughing, cooking.  Even the hubby got into surfing with us and had a blast, and my brother-in-law forced me out of my comfort zone and I ended up taking him to breaks where I usually don’t go.  Brother-in-law now wants to start a new tradition by bringing the whole family out every Thanksgiving and I couldn’t be happier.  I cooked a yummy Thanksgiving turkey dinner with gravy from scratch, my daughters crushing up pecans as is their yearly tradition in helping with the sweet potato casserole, home made stuffing, green bean casserole, and sister-in-law helped me with the mashed potatoes, everything turned out delicious and yummy.  My heart was so full with them here.  !!  I can still feel the laughter in my belly and the love everywhere, especially seeing my daughters being hugged and read to and just in general enjoying our extended family time together.

After we dropped them off at the airport, DD2 started to cry, so in an effort to cheer her up, we decided it was time to go get our Christmas tree.  Not only did we light it up and decorate it, but we lit up the carport with our holiday lights, baked grandma’s banana bread and gave some to the neighbors, and just generally sent some love out into the world, hurray!

So now the ex-drama:

He was extra ornery with me because he was demanding his make up time for his last minute business trip, which I posted a little about here. Demanding time right when we had visitors was not going to work with me, but we figured out a nice compromise and I thought, okay, finally, now that’s put to rest. 

At the same time, he went ahead and filed for CS modification which I touched briefly earlier at Chez Survive, Live Thrive.  The thing is, I decided not to contest it, even though the figures included half of what I actually pay for the girls childcare/healthcare, but like I said then, it wasn’t worth the numbers to fight it.

Well, while the family was here, I received notice that the Ex has now decided to ask for a hearing.  ????  Ugh.  And after hemming and hawing and even though I’m confident in my information and numbers, the PTSD that’s triggered right now in facing him at a hearing is not worth it to go this alone.  So I’ve retained an attorney to help me make sure the Ts are crossed and the “i”s are dotted.  I know it will cost more $$ than I need it to cost, so I’ve decided to take out a credit card (interest free for first 15 months) and at least get a free airline ticket out of this  (bonus that comes when you spend so much within the first month).  I know I can pay this off in less than a year, so it is what it is.  Now I don’t have to worry about any legal shenanigans on his side and breathe easier.  It still sucks.

And the latest passive-aggressive move?  This past Saturday was a dad week end.  DD1 had a sports tournament, and DD2 was invited to march in a Christmas parade with her girl scouts at the same time.  A couple of weeks prior, I offered to help either take DD2 to the parade or DD1 to  her tournament; when he didn't respond to me, I quietly asked the girl scout moms to reach out to him last week.  He ended up dropping DD2 off to one of the brownie moms instead of responding to me.  (I thanked the brownie moms--and so as not to rock the boat, I would just cheer on the sidelines, because the most important was that DD2 could participate and I really appreciated their help!).  I just feel so bad about the family drama.

Lastly, through his mother, it sounds like he either thinks he "has more time with the girls than mom does" or his mother has interpreted it that way.  (Either way, it’s untrue, le sigh).  His mom mentioned this recently to one of the girl scout moms in DD1’s troop in passing-- so it sounds like there may be some lingering sense of "unfairness" about the outcome of our divorce…which means no, he has not moved on from “losing.”  And which may be the reason why now he’s asking for hearing.  Ugh, I’m tired of the drama.

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I guess this is the life, isn’t it.  Embracing the good things, family, holiday planning (I’ve already been asked by one of DD1’s besties about when we’re having our Christmas cookie baking sleepover, lol), creating care packages for our family far away, holiday shopping and baking for the girls’ teachers and friends.  Vacation planning—we’re not going anywhere, but I’m just taking time off work to hang with them and just in general breathing in a big breath and enjoying this time of year.

And also contending with the aforementioned drama.  Wishing it didn’t exist, sometimes getting frustrated to tears, PTSD-induced anxiety insomnia at times, but it is what it is, and right now I have the strength and means to deal with it.

So love and hugs to the world and to you and your loved ones.  Let’s add love and peace and kindness to the world, because it clearly needs it.  Here’s to hoping for a better world, and for helping ourselves create that world and being the love.  That’s what I’m wishing for.

Happy Holidays

Love, peace, and kindness to the world!  We definitely need more of it.  In case anyone has been stopping by Chez Survive,  Live, Thrive, I wanted to say we are alive and doing well--had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with the family and are heading into the Christmas season with lots of love in our hearts.

The Exie is pulling his usual shenanigans, more of which I will post later, but for now I am just trying to fill up our little corner with hope and peace for good things to come.

Love and hugs!