It has been a whirlwind month and it’s already the last day
of the month.
What happened this month:
Flu
Flying 3000 miles with my oldest daughter to see my mom in
her last days when she was in hospice.
My DD was a total champ, when I first approached her about her grandma
who was very sick, her first response was, I want to go. And also, I want to say goodbye. A few days after this conversation, my
brother called letting me know that now was the time to come, and the day after
that, my eldest and I were on the plane.
(DD2 too young for this trip).
I have to mention that the Ex was his usual passive
aggressive self, unsupportive emails, non-responsive, etc., even when I let him
know about my mother’s condition. This
is the only sentence I want to give to it:
what I learned is that expectations must always be low, and it doesn’t
matter what he does, he can’t take away the love we have in my family.
The visit itself was beautiful, meaningful, sad, joyful—it’s
a strange feeling to have your heart shattered in a million pieces and at the
same time overflowing with love. When we
landed, it was snowing, and my daughter and I ran around trying to catch
snowflakes on our tongues and trying to make snowballs, until we dashed to the
rental car, freezing. My brother’s farm
was nearby, so we balanced our grandma visiting time (2-3 times a day), with
cousin time sledding and throwing snowballs and generally being all
together. My mom was feisty and strong
and after we were there for a few days, even when the nurses were telling me
that she only had 24 hours to days, my mom could still recognize us, smile,
even tell jokes. She was eating ice
cubes and pudding and chicken broth and visiting with friends who were trooping
in and out of her room.
DD1 took it all in stride, telling her grandma she loved
her, holding her hand, even at one point helping grandma get more
comfortable. Mom was holding DD1’s hand
and said, “pull harder!” when we were trying to shift her (nurses and aides and
friends were not in the room, so just DD1 and I trying to help). When we were driving back to the hotel that
night, DD1 said, “gosh, grandma really hasn’t changed!” which made me smile.
A couple of nights before we left, I realized that mom wasn’t
going to leave us while we were there.
She was not one to miss out on visitors and so she wasn’t going to miss
a visit with her granddaughter…we last saw her the morning we flew out. She was feisty at that time, too, even though
it was 4:45am, she wanted to get more comfortable and she wanted more ice and a
sprite. We were able to sit with her a
little bit and she held my hand and she knew we were getting on the plane and
we said our goodbyes and I didn’t want to get on the plane. When hubby picked us up 17 hours later, he
asked DD1 how our visit was. And sweet
DD1’s response was that her grandma was very feisty, except now that she was in
her bed all the time, that made her even more feisty. Awwww…
I loved that we were there and my mom knew we were there and
could feel our love.
I loved that my brother and I were able to share our time
together and that the kids had a blast playing in the snow. We even towed them on their sleds behind the
car.
I loved that I got to have one-on-one time with my nephews
and that DD1 could spend time with them too.
One day we started the afternoon by building sled ramps and mini
snow-men villages and mini forts, and then to warm up, we went inside to have nerf-gun
fights all over the house, then got back into our snow clothes and went back
outside to play in the snow again (nephews’ school was cancelled due to snow,
lol).
I loved that with DD1 with me, I could be strong. When she went to sleep, that’s when I’d break
down and my hubby and friends were there for me.
I loved that my mom had so many visitors, all friends who
loved her who had fun and loving stories to share and that DD1 could soak in
all that love, too.
I loved that there was singing from the church people that
was so beautiful, other people came out of their rooms to hear it.
I love that mom was strong and feisty in the end of her
days, and that is what DD1 will remember.
…
Two days after we arrived home, my brother called that my
mom had passed away peacefully in her sleep.
Since then, some days I’ve been strong, others a weepy
mess. I think I’m both at the same time,
all the time.
