My mom

It has been a whirlwind month and it’s already the last day of the month.

What happened this month:

Flu

Flying 3000 miles with my oldest daughter to see my mom in her last days when she was in hospice.  My DD was a total champ, when I first approached her about her grandma who was very sick, her first response was, I want to go.  And also, I want to say goodbye.  A few days after this conversation, my brother called letting me know that now was the time to come, and the day after that, my eldest and I were on the plane.  (DD2 too young for this trip).

I have to mention that the Ex was his usual passive aggressive self, unsupportive emails, non-responsive, etc., even when I let him know about my mother’s condition.  This is the only sentence I want to give to it:  what I learned is that expectations must always be low, and it doesn’t matter what he does, he can’t take away the love we have in my family.

The visit itself was beautiful, meaningful, sad, joyful—it’s a strange feeling to have your heart shattered in a million pieces and at the same time overflowing with love.  When we landed, it was snowing, and my daughter and I ran around trying to catch snowflakes on our tongues and trying to make snowballs, until we dashed to the rental car, freezing.  My brother’s farm was nearby, so we balanced our grandma visiting time (2-3 times a day), with cousin time sledding and throwing snowballs and generally being all together.  My mom was feisty and strong and after we were there for a few days, even when the nurses were telling me that she only had 24 hours to days, my mom could still recognize us, smile, even tell jokes.  She was eating ice cubes and pudding and chicken broth and visiting with friends who were trooping in and out of her room.

DD1 took it all in stride, telling her grandma she loved her, holding her hand, even at one point helping grandma get more comfortable.  Mom was holding DD1’s hand and said, “pull harder!” when we were trying to shift her (nurses and aides and friends were not in the room, so just DD1 and I trying to help).  When we were driving back to the hotel that night, DD1 said, “gosh, grandma really hasn’t changed!” which made me smile. 

A couple of nights before we left, I realized that mom wasn’t going to leave us while we were there.  She was not one to miss out on visitors and so she wasn’t going to miss a visit with her granddaughter…we last saw her the morning we flew out.  She was feisty at that time, too, even though it was 4:45am, she wanted to get more comfortable and she wanted more ice and a sprite.  We were able to sit with her a little bit and she held my hand and she knew we were getting on the plane and we said our goodbyes and I didn’t want to get on the plane.  When hubby picked us up 17 hours later, he asked DD1 how our visit was.  And sweet DD1’s response was that her grandma was very feisty, except now that she was in her bed all the time, that made her even more feisty.  Awwww…

I loved that we were there and my mom knew we were there and could feel our love.

I loved that my brother and I were able to share our time together and that the kids had a blast playing in the snow.  We even towed them on their sleds behind the car.

I loved that I got to have one-on-one time with my nephews and that DD1 could spend time with them too.  One day we started the afternoon by building sled ramps and mini snow-men villages and mini forts, and then to warm up, we went inside to have nerf-gun fights all over the house, then got back into our snow clothes and went back outside to play in the snow again (nephews’ school was cancelled due to snow, lol).

I loved that with DD1 with me, I could be strong.  When she went to sleep, that’s when I’d break down and my hubby and friends were there for me.

I loved that my mom had so many visitors, all friends who loved her who had fun and loving stories to share and that DD1 could soak in all that love, too.

I loved that there was singing from the church people that was so beautiful, other people came out of their rooms to hear it.

I love that mom was strong and feisty in the end of her days, and that is what DD1 will remember.

…

Two days after we arrived home, my brother called that my mom had passed away peacefully in her sleep. 

Since then, some days I’ve been strong, others a weepy mess.  I think I’m both at the same time, all the time.