Grief

Grief is a funny thing, and maybe even weirder for people like me who are adopted and have lost parents before we could speak—it left a hole in my heart which burst open wider when I lost my only mom I know. I did all the right things in her last days, bringing DD1 to see her and talking with her and holding her hand and laughing at her jokes and surrounding her with love, even sharing a Krispy Kreme donut hole because she loved sweets. But now that she’s gone I’m learning that grief is not a journey with a beginning, middle, and end. It’s become part of me, part of my heart, and I’m changed by it. Some days, moments, hours, minutes, I’m super strong. And others, so weepy and not strong. Sometimes, I’m filled with anxiety, triggered by life experiences I wouldn't wish on anyone. So I put my best foot forward, or sometimes I fake putting “my best foot forward”—(fake it until you make it, lol).

Lately, on my live and real person network, I’ve been posting lots of happy and sweet moments, and they are happy and sweet, the smiles and love are real--even with my whole and broken heart. But I guess I wanted to let you know that people may be smiling and acting responsibly and professionally getting the job done and laughing and being silly, but there is still grief there, and it’s okay to put it out there in the world. It’s okay to be a forty something year old grown a$$ woman and feel like: I miss my mommy. And it’s okay to have happiness and sadness at the same time and I guess that’s life. ❤️💔❤️