Full Steam Ahead

Image Credit

I’ve been running at full steam with my daughters’ cookie booths and tennis and dance recital rehearsals and working full time and juggling big sister tween attitude and questions and mini-rebellion and then sudden mood change to sweetheart as we baked my mom’s sugar cookie recipe for pi day, so she could bring round cookies to school and share them with her math class.  Also rolling with the punches of little sister’s extra energy and every feeling under the sun (she’s definitely a feel-er) and if I think I run at full steam, little sister is like super-sonic speed.

I’m also struggling with depression with my mom’s passing (I’ve had some really good days, coupled with really sad ones), and generalized anxiety with the PTSD in dealing with my ex-husband and all the wounds that I’ve carried along the journey of this mid-life of mine.  To be truthful, today has been about treading water and keep my head from sinking under.  A weird sort of malaise, like I’m paralyzed by so much going on.

Some things I’m trying to do to ease the pain:

• Taking it easy at work, but still being accountable (i.e. not signing up for more than I bargained for, dealing with a supervision issue immediately, turning in reports on time.)
• Exercising (i.e. I’m supposed to exercise today, and seriously DO NOT WANT to do it.  So I’m forcing myself in T-minus 3 hours.  Ugh).
• Eating healthier (except for the 1 cup of homemade chex mix that my coworker brought in, can’t resist.  At least it’s not 2 cups. Or 5, which is what I really want).
• Drinking lots of water.
• Brain Therapy—I’m trying neurofeedback.  I’m not sure if it’s ratcheting down my anxiety, but in a weird way, it was oddly validating to find that my brainwaves in the areas of anxiety and depression were definitely off “the norm.”  (I think some days it’s working—but then I’ll have a day like yesterday where everything is a trigger, and I wonder if my brain is just too screwed up, ugh!)
• Regular Therapy—going to see my shrink tomorrow.
• Deep breaths—there’s an app that monitors your breathing and encourages deep breathing, so when I’m overwhelmed with big sister/little sister drama, I employ the deep breathing.  (Note:  DD1 asked me to quit doing it because it’s “really annoying,” and internally I’m like OMFG, but externally, I told her it was either annoying breathing, or I start yelling and I really did not want to start yelling).
• When the anxiety rings high, over the last couple of weeks I’ve been employing “tapping”—bilateral stimulation that is supposed to be calming and take the focus off the anxiety and back to the moment at hand.  

At any rate, I’m looking forward to my bed tonight.  Maybe a good night’s sleep will help?  Hang in there mamas and peoples across the world!  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.