Treading Water

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Dear Jane,

Today you're treading water.  You're not feeling especially happy or especially sad, although you are feeling a bit anxious.  The running has helped, but you had to take a week off because you started this whole running odyssey when you're over 40 (and apparently they call you a 'master' runner which you think translates to old lady runner, lol, but you’re cool with it), and so going five miles 3-4 times a week made your ankle really hurt.  Anyway!  You got back on the running wagon yesterday, which felt pretty good.

You’ve been getting up every day and logging in the parenting hours, the work hours, the wife hours, the managing everyone and the household hours and so it feels like you’re treading water.

You may have spent some time surfing the internet reading tons of articles about running, about depression, about entertainment news, because honestly, faking it right now is about the best that you have.  Oh, and yes, you did return some phone calls and attend some meetings.  You did attend to some pending work matters and you did take care of certain staff that needed attention.

Gold star for being present over the week end and being there for your kids and cuddles and love.  Your tween daughter actually laughed, LAUGHED with you about a book she read that was funny.  Your younger one thought you said ‘feed the fish tank sushi’ when you said you were going to wash the fish tank this sunday, and at first was salty at you because you didn’t respond (because distracted by grief/depression that sinks in like a fog sometimes), but when you snapped to it, was cuddly and loving and laughing at her cleverness.  At dinner the other night, your daughters demonstrated their karate moves that you didn’t even know they had.  They’ve been filling the house with laughter and annoying arguments and hugs and moments of tenderness and you are grateful for that.  DD1 asked you one night what exactly was the day that grandma passed and you had to pause, you knew it was a Wednesday, but you had to look up the date.  And she asked if one year from the date, if everyone could take the day off, no school, no work, and we could all be together and your heart filled up to the brim and you said of course.

Your hubby has been kind and supportive and also stressed in his own way about work, health, life, but for the most part, all is well on all fronts.  He just sent you some beautiful flowers at work though (which you asked him to do, lol, but hey nothing like being upfront and you know your mom loved flowers so much and you miss her) and you are thankful for that.

There’s a part of you that is snappy and growly and so you’re working on that.  Example—you tell hubby you’re sad about your mom, and he holds your hand, then reaches for his facebook.  You are snappy and grumpy because he is constantly ON YOU for being on your phone when you’re together, so this kind of stuff drives you bananas.  Plus, you know he lovingly cares for you, you’re just tired of the little hypocrisies here and there and actually, you know hubby gets it and understands (after he fights with you about it for a little while), it’s just exhausting to have to explain and go through this process. 

You realize this is not the end of the world.  And in the grand scheme of things, life is going as it should be, and is pretty decent.  Maybe you’re in this mood, because your brother has been in touch with you this week and is sending your portion of the remains of your mom—her wish to be cremated—finally, so you can take the moments with your family to take your mom to all the places she loved when she visited you all those years, until she had to stop traveling due to her condition.  Yes, maybe that’s what’s unnerved you and put you off kilter.  And not getting sleep.

I love you, Jane.  I’m sorry you are hurting and I love and accept you.  It’s okay to have anxiety and fear and worry.  It’s okay to have all those feelings.  One day it will get better.  Right now, it’s okay to tread water.  If you have read the internet some more for some distraction, go ahead.  I know you are capable and responsible and you are smart and loving.  I’ll be here.

Love,

Me

Running

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Happy Happy Easter to all!  It was a whirlwind week end of fun in the sun with my hubby and his mom who is visiting, a dance recital for DD2, an easter egg hunt and lunch with the girls, followed by a swim in the ocean.  Life is really great in that regard!

On the flip side, I woke up in the pre-dawn hours of Easter, consumed with anxiety (once again).  So I put on my runners, tiptoed outside before anyone could wake up, and took off running.  I ran past buildings, and foul smells and someone who was muttering to himself at the bus stop.  I ran by a lady walking her two dogs in the pre-dawn darkness.  I ran by quiet trees and I ran into a neighborhood where the dark ocean peeked in between houses, and I ran down a giant hill only to run up the other side and thought I’d pass out from the effort.

I ran back into an ancient, sacred valley, where the stream gurgled from the heavy rain the night before.  I ran past a green and verdant mountain, coming awake as the sun arose.  At this point, I stopped running and had a good cry.

Easter was my mom’s favorite holiday, more than any other.  She was very religious in her faith, although she was never obnoxious or hit-you-over-the-head-with-it.  She just loved Easter and all that it represented for her.  She called it her new year.

So this Easter, I ran a 6K and cried myself a river because I missed her.  Then I pulled my act together, took a shower, and got ready for the day.  And enjoyed the five hours that I had with my daughters at church and with my mom-in-law, then after dropping the girls back off to their dad, spent time with the hub and his mom and some friends down by the sea, where I went for a half mile swim and caught baby waves with one of our friend’s boogie boards.  And helped myself to two glasses of sparkling wine at the end of the day, because it was Easter after all.

I’m already plotting out my next run.  Me, the person who never liked running and thought it was for the birds.  Just recently, I’ve run an 8K on Good Friday, 5K the Tuesday before that, and a 6K last Sunday.  I think I’m running through my grief.  I think that’s okay.