Wednesday, August 28, 2019

After Summer Comes the Fall




With the girls in separate schools, our school year began with a staggered start.  So while DD2 began another elementary year earlier this month, my middle schooler lounged and languished for a few more weeks, lucky her.  (She did work a bit, volunteering at her old preschool—on her last day they presented her with a book filled with drawings and messages from all the littles thanking her, and notes that they couldn’t wait to see her at school—from the kids who were entering kindergarten at DD1’s school, aww.  She also had some summer homework, but I *did* let her lounge a bit, too!  LOL).

What to do with our time for that last little vestige of summer before another middle school grade? 

A belated birthday slumber party for my newly minted teen with her girl scout pals—friends she’s had since kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grades, aww…they’ve gotten so big!!  (with all that traveling and summer time sharing with her dad, we hadn’t had time to celebrate).  I love that she feels comfortable to have her friends over at our house.  We projected Captain Marvel on the wall and then I let them stay up all night playing minecraft and listening to kpop or whatever it is they listen to nowadays (OMG I’m so olddd).

Then, considering DD1’s sensitivities that everyone is comfortable, we had a second AYCE (all you can eat) Korean bbq lunch with her school friends (she had tried to mix friends at a celebration with her dad and was worried that some people felt left out and asked me sweetly if we could keep them separate.)  This was also good for DD2, as I told DD1 that in order to balance out the friend time, DD2 could bring her bestie along.  My heart did a double swoon to see my teenager smiling and laughing with her friends, and DD2 busily eating and then drawing and playing games with her BFF.  And after the eating, ice cream cake (yes!  I was so stoked she wanted ice cream cake, my favorite, too, lol!!), I mean what can be better than ice cream cake on your birthday?  All was well with the world.

Then, because it was the last week end before school was starting for DD1, I decided to take the girls and one BFF each to the beach.  We stayed for a few hours, playing in the water, playing in the sand, enjoying the beauty and nature that is our home.  Then off to home, dinner, bath, bed.  Good night world.

The following day we had a family potluck in the morning at church and then off to DD2’s new girl scout meeting.  We merged troops with another group of girls near where we lived and we had a blast!  The new leader took on the brownies, and I led the junior scouts, the room was full of laughter and smiles and even some hugs.  Then it was off for some post girl scout bubble tea, a car wash, and then I dropped the littles and picked up DD1’s bestie to go to their school so they could find their lockers and stuff all their books in, to save them the rush and dash and trouble the following morning.

Needless to say, I went to bed that night feeling parentally fulfilled.  LOL.  All children happy, in bed at a decent time, life is good.

So all clear on the co-parenting front?

Not exactly—I was surprised last week by DD1’s acute and astute observations and because they came out of the blue, I wasn’t super prepared on how to respond and winged it the best that I could.  So this is how it went. 

On the way home from DD1’s tennis, I heard DD1 tell me “dad was in anger management.”  So I responded, ‘oh that’s great!  Dad’s in anger management?  That can really help!”

And she was like, no mom, I said, does dad need anger management?   He gets soooo mad!

So taken a back, I just said, ‘oh gosh, yeah, I remember his temper, I feel you. I mean I remember he could go from 0 to 100 mph in seconds flat…”

And she was like, yeah!  Over the most petty things!!!

And I was like, well, yeah…

Then she asked me if he ever got so mad the police were involved, and if that was why “you left him”?

And so then I paused a few moments, thinking of what to say.  How could I be general and also tell the truth?  So I answered, ‘well, like I told you before, divorce is complicated, and there’s lots of issues, and yeah, I guess the anger was part of it.  I can’t tell you everything now, sweetheart, but maybe one day, when you’re a grown up…you know after college and you have a family of your own…”

And then she was like you said you’d tell me when I was 16!

And I was like, what??

And then it became an argument about me saying I’d tell her details when she turned 16.  Le sigh.  Car conversations with a young teenager.

We arrived home and went straight inside to deal with dinner, getting ready for bed, goodnight world…by the time bed time rolled around it had seemed the matter of “anger management” was forgotten.

So my takeaways---DD1 is definitely getting older, and definitely seeing things for herself.  My job is to help her sort her thoughts.

I was meditating the other day on how to help my girls—on another coparenting front there’s a time swap that is being worked out and of course he’s being difficult about it.  So I was meditating on how to shield my girls from the conflict, which leads to worrying how they’re doing, which leads to wondering how I can do what’s best for them, and I heard a voice inside my head that said:  Focus On The Love.

And I realized when I look back at my childhood, I don’t remember a whole lot of specifics.  I mean, I do have snippets of vivid memories here and there, but overall, the big picture of my childhood, it’s kind of like a colored rainbow of emotion.  I remember lots of conflict with my mom and her second husband, my stepdad, and my brother.  I remember going back and forth between my mom and my adopted dad  (not nearly as much as my girls do), but splitting time nonetheless.  And I remember the moments where I was arguing with my mom, being a surly teen myself, splitting my identity from her as I grew into my own.  And I do have sad and painful memories of my dad passing and conflict with my stepdad.  But even with the conflict that I had with my mom, I remember the love.  I remember that she was there for me.  I remember that even when she was angry or didn’t do one thing or another, or I didn’t do one thing or another, she always loved me.  That was never a question, even when I railed that she must hate me and I hated her (even though I never did).  So what did I walk away with?  That she did the best that she could.  That love was always there in her heart.

So I guess the best I can do for my girls is to focus on the love.  That is what I can give them.

So with Summer coming to a close and Fall at hand, that will be my mantra.  Focus on the Love.



No comments:

Post a Comment