Top Ten Coping Strategies for Co-Parenting Strife

(Top Ten)

I’m dealing with a lot of co-parenting strife at the moment.  While I’m “in” this particular scenario, which I’m certain I’ll be writing about and debriefing soon, I thought to share some tips on how NOT to let coparenting strife enter the rest of your world and ruin your days. 

First:  Take a deep breath.  The big yoga breath, where you suck in so much air, your belly extends, your chest extends, you become a giant puff ball of air.  Sip in a teeny bit more through your mouth, then hold, two, three.  Then slowly, exhale, like a water stream pushing out of a very small hose.  Repeat.  Visualize the air getting into every corner of your body, then exhaling all the stress feelings out.  I promise that getting that extra oxygen into your brain and heart is soothing.  (Repeat as needed). 

Second:  Get moving.  Literally.  Run around the block until you sweat.  Or don’t get sweaty, check out a yoga youtube routine and do your best.  Concentrating on what your body is doing is helpful to get out of your head.   This has two benefits—you are not ruminating about the unfairness or worried about what he or she will be doing next, because you’re too busy trying to survive the next step, or figuring out how to stick your leg up in the air without falling on your face. The second benefit is that you’re doing something wonderful and healthy for your body.  And…running is free!  And youtube yoga routines, absent the ads, are also free!

Third:  Feed your soul.  This could be a variety of things—a hobby you love.  Going to church.  Reading a book.  Building something with your hands—a friend of mine makes the most amazing glass bead necklaces.  I love the ocean, so taking my girls to the beach, digging my feet in the sand, surfing, swimming, listening to the waves.  I also like knitting.  So while I’m sitting in church, I’m that lady who is knitting, lol.  Maybe music is your thing, playing an instrument, or listening to something you love.  I’m also getting into audiobooks!  Which leads me to:

Fourth:  Laugh.  Laughter is the biggest antidote to coparenting stress.  If you’re too busy to meet up with friends and let loose, because work/parenting/basically in the trenches of #adulting, try and download an audio book or get one from the library—and listen to it when you’re on the go.  Right now, I’m listening to Jim Gaffigan’s Food: A Love Story.  I kid you not, you will be doubled over laughing, likely every other minute; I’m about halfway through.  Food is actually his second book; I’m on the waitlist for his first book, Dad is Fat.  (He narrates, which makes it even funnier, he has the perfect delivery; although if you’re a fan of seafood, which I am, don’t be alarmed when he refers to it as sea-bugs, lol!)  And of course, if you can schedule some downtime with friends, take advantage of gabbing and laughing the night away!  Laughing with friends also relates to Feeding your Soul. 

Five: Cry.  Yeah, sometimes crying is part of coping with the coparenting strife.  Because the Exie may be a total douche-canoe, and there’s not much you can do about it.  Let the feelings out, it’s helpful, actually.  Sometimes I get so angry with myself for letting him ‘get’ me down, or letting the situation take over part of my day, but it’s actually better to just accept the fact that sometimes, you feel like sh*+ and that’s just how it is.  Let it flow.  The sh*+ feelings won’t last forever, and if you don’t let them flow, they will actually get stronger because they’re not being acknowledged.  Damn feelings.  Fine.  You’re here.  I see you, I feel you.  Can we please hug it out?  (Going back to 1 & 2 helps with 5).

Six:  Hug your kids.  Their sweet faces make my heart melt.  In my case, I do have middle school DD1 who is like a cactus.  So hugging her comes with warning:  hug and be pricked, so perhaps hug from afar.  Little sister still likes hugs and will sometimes crawl into my lap for a cuddle here and there, thank goodness.  Breathe in the closeness (even from afar, because it’s developmentally appropriate, le sigh) and celebrate that they are growing up, happy and healthy, as best can be, despite the douche-canoe.

Seven:  Food.  I am not above eating my feelings when warranted.  And sometimes, it’s warranted.  I may not eat to the point of Jim Gaffigan—who is quite the hero around this concept—but comfort food is called comfort food for a reason! 

Eight:  Meditation.  I guess this could go into the Feed Your Soul category, but I’m putting this separate, because I’ve never employed this technique until now.  When the thoughts and stress get overwhelming, especially when waking up in the middle of the night in a worry ball, guided meditation has been an effective coping tool.  I found a free app called Insight Timer, and you can select guided meditations—for sleep, anxiety, etc., and you can set it for as short (1 min) or as long (60 min) as will work for you.  Like I said, I never tried guided meditation before, and research shows it can reduce stress--don’t take it from me, even the Mayo Clinic talks about it.

Nine:  Entertainment.  I’m not *just* talking about binge-watching a favorite show on Netflix, although right now we are currently catching up with How to Get Away with Murder, because I’m a huge fan of Viola Davis.  (Omg, the drama!  HTGAWM makes my life look quite simple!)  Or, salivating over all the yummy baked goods on The Great British Baking Show, which will immediately motivate you to coping tool number seven, but also movies, live theater, museum, roller coasters, lol.   Entertainment is a fun and joyful distraction and definitely gets you out of your head.

Ten: You’ve Got This.  I know it’s hard to believe in the moment, when the strife is running at red alert, but remember, you’ve been here before.  Every.single.time, you’ve figured it out—you’ve made the best of it, figured out how to navigate the thorns, you’ve survived and thrived.  So settle into this thought as best as you can:  you will get through this current challenge and come out onto the other side.  You’ve got this.

Love and hugs.

p.s. for more on coping tips (which include some of the things on this list)—please see "healing from abuse" tips, “7 coping tools I used when divorcing with small kids,” more “healing tips.”  

Ode to Little Sister Growing Pains in a Divorced Family World

mother-daughter tattoo link

Dear Little Sister,

You are developing faster than your big sis, in part, because you have a big sis.  You want to be cool and wise and older like her, and at the same time you love hugs and jumping on me and being silly.

But I see you struggling to want to grow up.  I see you practicing with your words, trying out your voice to be like your sister’s, except she’s emulating the struggle of teenage adolescence and not always getting it quite the way she means.  Or sometimes she’s just mean.  Because teenagers are mean.

So then you become mean.  And I don’t even think you realize it.  And so I told you today to be very careful with your words.  Like the other day, after you overheard me talking to big sister about how to let me finish speaking without interrupting—and she continued interrupting, I asked her to stop it and let me finish.  Big sister and I finally worked out what was happening, and then she washed her dishes and went upstairs to do her homework.  I asked you how you felt when you overheard that, and you said I was ‘yelling.’  And I said, really?  That’s what you heard?  And you said yep.  And when I told you, sister, I was talking just like this.  Does it sound like yelling to you? And then you said, fine, you weren’t yelling.

This worries me—did you really think I was yelling, when I wasn’t?  Or, maybe, because you are similar to me and you can pick up every feeling in the room, you ‘felt’ like I was yelling, because big sister was using her mean voice and I was asking her to be more respectful.

Then this morning, on the way to school, everything was fine, you were talking about how you love the jacket aunty bought for you that you were wearing, and I said that’s so nice she got that for you, and you asked me if I remembered what she looked like, because you couldn’t.  And I said, she had a nice face, one that looked kind, and I hoped she was coming back soon to visit you girls and dad, and you agreed and we bounced along into the car.  I played your favorite radio station and you were singing along.  I reached back to hold your hand and you patted it and then said you didn’t want to be a baby anymore and you wanted to be older.

And I said that it’s okay to just be you.  Then you said you didn’t want to be just the same little kid and you wanted to grow up and you said, I don’t want to be a spoiled brat and I was like oh honey you’re not a spoiled brat. And you got all worked up saying, in your mean voice, yeah mom I’m not a spoiled brat, you make me a spoiled brat because spoiled brats are when rich parents buy their kids everything they want and you buy everything that I want.

And I paused, and I said, honey, please be very careful with your words.  You have to choose your words wisely, like the other day, when you said I was yelling and I wasn’t.  Words can hurt so that’s why you have to be very careful.  You were upset and I asked you if you were listening, and you said no, with your  mean voice.

So I said fine.  And then I said, I get you what you need, but I don’t buy you everything you want, I couldn’t possibly afford that.

You were angry with me, I saw your upset, scrunched face and then it was time to be dropped off.  And I’m sitting here wondering what happened, in one minute everything was fine and lovely, and the next, was it because I reached out my hand to you?  You got all triggered and upset and now I feel like the shittiest mom in the universe.

Because it’s later, now, and I’m out of that moment, and I’m seeing the bigger picture…you just came home from dad’s—after an extended time with him.  He is angry that the time swap negotiations didn’t go ‘his’ way (he has a warped vision that my giving him more days than he’s ‘losing’ is a lose, because one of the days that he’s giving me is a date that I actually asked for two months ago…)

And I’m wondering if he’s taking it out on you.

Because you have never heard me say you’re a spoiled brat.  I can only imagine where you got those words from.

And you have never heard me say that one parent is rich (though you have heard him say that to you, as you and your sister have shared that with me many times).  Even though he flies you first class with his new girlfriend’s support, you have never heard me comment that he is rich or he spoils you.

I’m sorry your intuitive nature soaks up his words and thoughts and low opinions of me.

I’m sorry I wasn’t more patient and understanding of this struggle that you’re going through.

The one thing that I didn’t screw up, even as you stomped out of the car and didn’t want me to help you with your backpack, is that I was sure to tell you to have a good day, that I love you.

And as you walked into school, I could see in your face that you didn’t want to leave me with things upset, so I rolled down my window and said, bye, I love you!  (Not too loud, lol, because like your big sister you are starting to get embarrassed by this kind of stuff, and luckily, no one else was being dropped off right at that moment)  I know you heard, because you nodded and walked inside.

*****

p.s. Dear spirit guides and guardian angels and all the powers of love and light in the universe—please let my youngest (and oldest) always know how much I love them, how I accept them, how I wish for them to be at peace and know they are loved.