I think I’m in
number 7 of the Top
Ten Tools on coping with coparenting stress. Yesterday I had a fried chicken and chili
plate, a most delicious combo! I gave
into emotional eating, lol, oh well.
I had written
the Top Ten post to help myself deal with some shenanigans from the Ex. He had agreed to a time-sharing proposal (I asked
for one day, was giving him a week), but instead of focusing on the extra time
he would have, he nit-picked his way into feeling that somehow he was getting
the short end of the stick. Apparently,
he was also going to be traveling, so then my offer turned into a 50/50 split
with our youngest daughter, and then he would have had an additional overnight
with our eldest. (The girls are on
different time-sharing when one is on a break from school and the other is not…does
anyone else need a glass of wine to keep up with the nitty gritty details of
our visitation schedule? Ugh). It was finally all worked out…we were on
course to sail through October…
And then we
weren’t. The Ex decided it was all
unfair and he reneged on his agreement.
So no exchange. In fact, he demanded additional overnights to make it ‘more
fair.’ I still scratch my head on the
fact that coming out even and/or ahead for him is not ‘fair.’ (My hunch is that it came down to the fact he
didn’t want to give me the original one date that I had asked for…it would have
extended a mom’s week end over the winter break).
So this is
where I put my firm pants on and decided that I was tired of being pushed
around. Our decree states that if either
parent is traveling and cannot be with the children, the other parent has right
of first refusal (ROFR) to watch them.
It doesn’t state anything about ‘make up’ time for time that is then
lost. Out of courtesy, over the last eight
years, we have worked out exchanges for week ends here and there. When I’ve had to travel for work, he has
actually come out ahead, as I always just asked for the week end missed, and
let the mom weekdays go (so again, he’s come out ‘ahead’ if we want to get to
the nitty gritty). He has only recently
started traveling for work in the last year or so…
Anyway, this is
the first time in eight years that he walked back on an exchange agreement. I was angry at myself later, because I found
out I could have held him to our original agreement, but he was so bullish and
aggressive about it, I let the dates go.
In the
end: I let him know that we will no
longer deviate from the parenting schedule, that when he travels, I’ll watch
the kids. If I ever travel (which I
likely won’t on dad days for some time), then he will watch the kids. He’s mad that he didn’t get any ‘extra’ days,
but oh well. I’m done trying to
negotiate with a bully. (Mind you, I did
travel for a couple of nights already, so it will all come out even at some
point, so whatever). He had some more
words about how he’s entitled to more ‘make up’ nights, but the answer is: it’s not in the decree, so no.
I’m sad—because
I had something wonderful and magical planned for the girls over the holiday
break, but then I transformed that into a win as well. Hubby’s mom can come out and visit and we
will just spend our time with her—she adores the girls so that will be nice.
Sometimes, you
just have to stand tall to a bully.
Maybe you don’t get a ‘win’ all the time, but at least you get to hold
onto your self-respect and can safely say that you are standing in your truth.
Love and hugs,
Jane Thrive
