Living with Gratitude even when you're hurting and/or Mad

 

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Dear World,

I promise this is not a preachy, everyone should just smile, then love and laughter and butterflies will follow.  While there is nothing wrong at all with love, laughter, and butterflies, there is something to say about smiling when we don’t feel like it, or society’s pressure to gloss over pain.

Living with gratitude can sound like a burden to someone who has escaped an abusive marriage, or someone who is living with a long-term illness, or suffering in physical or mental pain.  Telling someone to smile while suffering can feel like a cold slap in the face.

What I’ve been learning through my survival of life—and to be truthful, there are a few times that I should be dead, and somehow I am not:  is that living with gratitude is not faking happiness at all.  Or forcing happiness when we feel like crying or we happen to be angry. 

Living with love and gratitude is about stepping back from our painful experiences and making even the tiniest space in believing in something within ourselves, that we are worthy of love, worthy of being seen, that we are separate from the pain we’re living in.  Gratitude and love can start by making the tiniest spark of kindness and forgiveness—to ourselves.

You know that saying ‘everything happens for a reason’?  Some people live by that and there are tons of religious and spiritual arguments and justifications for why that is so. 

But.  I would never tell someone who is suffering grief, or is a victim of abuse or violence, or struggling with debilitating physical or mental disease, that their pain is ‘for a reason.’  That sounds insufferably judgmental at best and straight up cruel at worst.  I don’t personally proscribe to that train of thought, i.e. that children should be trafficked because it happens for a reason.  Eff that.  I understand that it makes for a great linear story, that I suffered a great deal, I overcame it, and now I live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset.  Life is more complicated than a nicely fit feature film or tidy story.  And, life is honestly rarely linear. 

I struggle with that “everything happens for a reason;”  I do not embrace that human suffering exists in the world because it makes for people with privilege to feel comfortable with it, if it ‘happens for a reason.’  I’m also not saying folks who have great lives are responsible for the suffering in the world, I am saying that we can all recognize injustices and hold in our hearts space for empathy when we see it, instead of explaining it away as some ‘big picture.’  To add love and peace and kindness instead of shrugging our shoulders and saying, oh well, that’s that.  We do not know each other’s journey, but we can be kind and work on loving ourselves as we heal and make our way through our own.    

(Also.  There is a difference from individuals who say and believe that what happened in their own lives ‘happened for a reason’—that is their call and ownership of their own story.  I am differentiating individual stories who embrace that, from the overall, glossy, global concept that all suffering happens for a reason.)

And while there is terrible suffering in our lives, there is also, the tiniest space for us to scrape out a place of healing.  Sometimes, we can miraculously break out of the pain and welcome in light by the floodgates.  Other times, it can be the smallest act of kindness either to ourselves or to someone else—just one small phrase or whisper:  I believe in you.  You are worthy of love. 

Big or small, being kind to ourselves and others is a miracle that makes a difference in our divided world.  And that is the start of living with gratitude.

I am grateful to have woken up to a new day.  There may be challenges ahead, but I am doing my best to meet them, and my goal today is to add a little kindness to the world.

Love,

Jane Thrive

Living with Love

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Dear World,

Last night I said a little prayer about my life and thought to share my meditation and message:

It all comes back to love.  Show the world that love and compassion are the true purposes of being in this world.  Like Sarah Maas said in her book:  Through love, all is possible.

People may laugh, judge, etc, but standing in love and sharing meaningful connection, being present, despite the barriers and structures that are set up in our faces, is the journey, is the act of bravery that we all need.  Make love not hate.  This doesn’t mean we ignore hate or hardships when we see it, but we find ways to allow the current of love to make space (even the tiniest space if we can) for healing.  Protect your light.  Share your heart.  Love yourself, and if you can, love your neighbor, too.

Love,

Jane Thrive

Happy Solstice, 2022!

Summer solstice image credit

It is the longest day of the year for us northern hemisphere folks and normally, I’d be a pretty happy camper—thinking of all the summer-y things we can do.  To be honest, the summer of 2022 has been a doozy, so here is my struggle list.

One good thing though—since my last emo post about raising a teenage daughter, that very same teenager has done a complete 180.  After returning from her summer vacay with her dad, she has been kind, thoughtful, helpful (did four, yes, i said FOUR loads of laundry) and interacting.  I am in a state of shock and awe, but also extreme thankfulness, too.  Holding my breath so I don’t somehow jinx this amazing and wonderful situation!  Pray for me!! :D (She is truly growing into a thoughtful, smart, funny human being who cares about people and I am grateful.)

Surviving Solstice struggle list:

1. Emotional paralysis after living with 2 years+ pandemic working and caretaking.
2. Physical weakness due to item number 1: i.e. less energy to do the exercising, etc. (I am recovering from surgery still yet...)
3. Recovering from surgery. 
4. Testing myself due to COVID exposures; wondering when will I get COVID, or when will family member get COVID again?
5. Mid-life crisis-ing:  waking up each morning thinking, what is the point of getting out of bed, when so many people are a-holes.  (See last post).
6. When the hubby gets his man-period, then I have three tweens/teens in the house and I want to pull my hair out.

 

Surviving Solstice coping list:

1. Be gentle with you-emotionally and physically, you can only do what you can do.
2. Tell someone you love them.
3. Cry.
4. Call someone you love and trust and take a moment to connect.
5. Make stupid, venting jokes about a-hole people.
6. Do something physically active (limited if cannot get out of bed, but then if you get out of bed, celebrate that small miracle for what it is!)
7. Take a bath.
8. Vege out to k-dramas or tiktok videos or Stranger Things 4.
9. Therapy. 
10. Breathe - meditative breathing, or try the free insight timer app.
11. Nature - get outside, even for a few minutes, and listen to the wind.

When I see this list, I see many privileges and abilities.  And at the same time, I recognize that living is just f%*(ing hard. 

So letʻs do our best to stay in the moment and hope that we can come together and help each other along. 

And talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  I love you.

Love,

Jane Thrive

Meaningful Connection in Times of Sorrow

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Dear World,

I was sidelined by a few things in the last two weeks: particularly with the horror of the mass shooting in Uvalde, TX and the loss of 19 children and 2 teachers who died trying to protect them.  And the rise of gun violence, especially in schools, is heartbreaking.  Brave and amazing folks—including an 11 year old survivor and family members related to the kids who lost their lives in Uvalde testified for gun control in the U.S. House today, and while the House passed a wide-reaching gun control bill, it is likely to fail in the Senate.  I am absolutely rageful that there are folks that would allow political gun money to take precedence over our public safety, especially children. 

If you’re looking for a place to protest, you can see here, for a series of gun violence protests happening across the country on Saturday, June 11^th. 

These days I’ve been waking up overwhelmed with the weight of the world, sometimes not even wanting to roll out of bed, and maybe this is a normal human reaction to all the !@#$ that is happening in the world right now.  To feel powerless at times.  Sometimes I ask:  what the h3^^ are we even doing here? 

When we feel down and overwhelmed, these questions arise:  what can we do, what can one person do to make a difference in our turbulent lives?  What can we do that will matter?  Sometimes we can call ourselves to action, such as in an active protest as mentioned prior.  Other times, we can look to lift our voices and shout out into the world, or lift other voices up and join them in solidarity, to demand change.  Other times, maybe it is something small, a phone call to a loved one.  A moment of shared empathy or grief.

When I am still, I sometimes think about Dr. Brené Brown’s work that includes meaningful connection.  She has studied the human condition for decades and some of the highlights that resonate with me include her work on empathy, true empathy.  Empathy is not about ‘walking in one another’s shoes,’ because our bias prevents us from actually walking in and experiencing someone else’s experience.  Instead, true empathy is about making space for another person for them to share their experience, and then, most importantly, to have the capacity to believe that their story is, indeed, true.  This sounds easy, but actually, it is way harder than at first read, because our bias can get in the way.  It is hard to believe someone else’s story if in doing so means we also re-examine our own experiences and are held accountable in any way, if their story makes us uncomfortable, or reveals truths that we are not ready to accept.  This is why folks get so reactive on topics such as systemic racism and gender bias.  Rather than accepting diverse and difficult experiences, they shy away out of defense and protection of ego and the status quo.  But I digress….(another post altogether, honestly).

What resonates for me in Dr. Brown’s work re: this particular idea about “what can we do when we feel powerless against so much awfulness in the world?’:  is back to forming meaningful connections and that we can be careful stewards of each others’ stories.  About how this turns the conversation away from control and agendas, but to a context of considerate learning and inspiration.  How an act of empathy and friendship, true friendship, is an act of love.  That by supporting and uplifting voices around us, even the smallest scale, is a miracle in it of itself.  And these small miracles do have the capacity to heal our broken world.

At least, that is my hope. <3

Love,

Jane Thrive

(Teenager) GirlMom Help!

 

(picture credit here)

Dear World, 

Maybe the kids are *not* all right.  If there are any moms of teenagers out there (or mom survivors of teenagers), I would really, really be grateful for any words of wisdom.  Especially if you are/were doing the two household situation due to a divorce (long ago).  And especially, especially if your co-parent hailed from an abusive household and has not healed from it...

From this teenager mom:  I need a hug.  Or a million.  And a vodka shot. Maybe more than one.

This heartfelt “letter from” series on The Guardian, sums up my insides exactly.

The context:  For the last few years (even in COVID), I was able to pull off a birthday lunch for my daughter with her school friends, and this year, we discussed the same a couple of weeks ago.  Last night, I realized that in a few days, said daughter would be off with her summer break time with dad, and I thought to talk to finish up her planning at dinner.  She seemed hesitant at first, then blurted out that she wanted to do something small with us, and that she would do something with her school friends with dad.  I did my best to react kindly, even as I was a little surprised, and continued to nod and say okay and sounds good.

After dinner, I thought to check in with her (apparently big mistake #1), and ask her about her thought process.  My words:  Hi honey, just thought to check in, can you please help me understand your thought process, only because a couple of weeks ago we had started working on her party over here and that is okay, just wondered?  Her response immediately escalated into yelling at me about how she never made any kind of decision before, and that I didn’t trust her to make her own choices, and how dare I question her?  It was such a strong reaction, I was taken off guard and the more I tried to soothe and say, okay, everything is okay, the more she agitated and upset she got.

I literally told her I think it is good she can have fun with her dad, or do fun things with him.  I said it is 100% okay to say, hey mom, I changed my mind, I would like to have a party with dad this year and do something small with my old old friends over here.  And she grimaced and said, well, OKAY MOM, I changed my mind and just want my three friends over here.  And you don’t trust me and you just want to blame dad instead of trusting me to make my own decisions and to get out. 

So, reading the room, I got out!  When everyone calmed down, about an hour later, I had to check on her for the next morning commute (I make her breakie on the go).  And in doing so, I reinforced with her and said, honey, it is important that you understand what is in my head about dad.  Please don’t put your thoughts in there.  I have always thought and still do think it is good that you can do good things with him; I am happy you are going on your trip with him to spent time with aunty (his girlfriend), I really like aunty, and have always supported you doing things with dad ever since you were a little girl.  And she just said:  OKAY.

And I thought, well…okay maybe it is okay?  But it isn’t okay—because I learned later that her interpretation of events was that I was going after her and giving it to her and that I didn’t trust her and she is so tired of it all.

My heart still hurts about this; how badly my words have been misinterpreted and it doesn’t matter that I stood there calmly, using quiet words.  I remember seeing this comedy routine from this mom who says that she angers her daughter just by breathing. 

I’m trying not to cry my eyes out, because underneath it all, I know that her father has for years delighted in the manipulation of how unfair everything is in terms of his perspective of not having ‘equal’ time with the girls—even though it is for their own protection.  And the girls have spent years taking care of him emotionally and tiptoeing around his temper.  They painstakingly and repeatedly reported blow-by-blow accounts of what happens at our house (and I have heard him making sly and negative comments).  However, in the reverse, they have never felt comfortable sharing what activities they do with him, even going to ‘secret’ beaches that they can’t tell me about because ‘it’s a secret.’ 

All my efforts to escape his abuse (physical and mental) and it feels like in this scenario, we have not escaped.  All my efforts to be supportive, as best as I can, to never badmouth, to hear their worries and reflect them back with support and empathy, without ever negative talking their father, and to also react positively when they share fun things that they do?  To be the ‘safe’ house, yet still, somehow, my words/interprets my words as negative and blaming and icky.

I know being a parent of teenagers is tough; I didn’t know that by saying I support your time with your dad would be interpreted as mom is after me and blames dad for everything.  It is enough to throw your hands up and give up.

I know I can’t give up.  But boy does my heart ache.  I don’t think I am cut out for this teenager heartache.

p.s. thank goodness for therapists.  She helped me understand that the bonds between child and mom will always be there.  That it is normal for teenage girls to go off on their moms; also okay for me to say: hey I hear you are having a hard time and I am always here for you, but it is hard to hear when you are turning on me.  

That she likely does it because she feels safe.  But my heart hurts because of and also for her.

Current Vibe: BLM, Women's Rights (RBG forever), He Got COVID and we survived

Dear World,

I dropped off the face of the planet for the last two years, completely overwhelmed.

I hope to reconnect through the blogosphere once again.  The world has gone extremely nuts since the pandemic so let’s give a quick update, and then I hope to come back to regularly scheduled programming.  <3

• Hubby and I marched in the BLM 2020 summer protest held locally (with masks on) and still stand in solidarity against systemic racism.  Clearly, more work needs to be done, considering the f!@#$ racist mass shooting in Buffalo.

• I have marched in two protests relating to reproductive health rights for women, once because of the Texan (aka the Republic of Gilead) draconian law that they managed to pass, limiting abortions at six weeks (when most folks don’t even know they are pregnant) and also giving private citizens the right to sue anyone who is seeking or provides a legal and safe abortion for up to $10,000.  (How about giving folks $10,000 worth of healthcare/prenatal/postnatal/early education support?)  The second, a couple of days ago, in response to the US Supreme Court leaked draft opinion that looks to overturn Roe v. Wade and turn the clock back on 50 years of women’s legally protected constitutional right to healthcare.  For more action on this, please see RiseUp4AbortoinRights.  These initial protests are just the beginning.  P.s. at our particular protest, there were folks who graduated high school in 1972, sharing very vivid memories of what they experienced before abortion was legal.  And young women half my age taking on this battle, sharing their expressions of leadership and action—they inspired my heart!  I’ve been protesting since the 1992 March on Washington, and 30+ years later, can’t believe I still have to protest for this $hizzle.

• Hubby contracted and recovered from COVID-19.  TWICE.  Miraculously, he was okay, and none of us caught it.  He is fine, we are fine.  (Wait, are we really fine?) While the US has surpassed the 1 million mark for COVID-19 deaths, I think maybe not.  And our hearts are with the families and loved ones of those lost.

• I have been self-medicating with funny animal, cooking, and dancing Tiktok videos and am weirdly inspired by young people just a little bit older than my daughters, speaking out and sounding the alarm against climate change, systemic racism, and the draft opinion rolling back women’s rights.

• I broke my foot (healed) in a freak accident and am recovering from shoulder surgery (healing).  While mobility is limited, I am able to resume work.

• Most importantly, the kids are all right, as best that can be expected, but more soon on the state of their access to their last living grandmother (due to their father’s fighting), which makes me sad.  Learning to let go of the things that I can’t control, and coming to terms with supporting my girls.  While I know what the ‘right’ thing is (support them in having regular visits with their grandma), I have to accept that my role is to remove the bind from them—they love grandma with all their hearts, but they also know they pay a price if they see her with me :(.  The saddest of all of this is she is suffering from memory loss, and soon it will be too late.  :(

• In spite of all this crazy nutso shizzle, it has not been all doom and gloom over here…life finds a way.  I hope to share some of the amazing supportive resources that have helped me get through some of the hardest times in my life these past two years.  Here is one:  Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sundays podcast.  Specifically, her interviews with Dr. Brené Brown, about how being vulnerable is our greatest strength in finding courage to lift one another up in meaningful connection.  <3  (There are four interviews with Oprah, two focusing on “Atlas of the Heart,” and two on “Daring Greatly”)  And bonus resources:  Dr. Brown’s HBO Max 5 episode series focusing on her research on Atlas of the Heart and her amazing site that links to her own podcasts. <3

• Keep on keeping on!  Breath, survive. And thrive. <3

Love and hugs,

Jane Thrive