love

the process from separation to divorce was nearly two years.

the healing process of leaving someone who you trusted the most in the whole world, who you loved and thought loved you, yet who terrorized you and your children, is different for everyone.  therapy helps immensely.  

to be truthful, i'm still triggered around certain things, and I'm in therapy and i know i'm healing still.  i have, carefully, miraculously, lovingly, found love again, but not after some serious therapy.  not after some serious consideration of what i do and how i make my choices when it comes to choosing someone to be with.

for instance, somehow, along the ride, the seeds of love and pain were sewn side by side within me.  So i only understood that love comes at the price of pain.  i still, weirdly, deep down, feel that is the emotional truth, it was laid down somewhere so long ago that i can't consciously remember it.  but i know that's how it was for me.  because my exhusband was not the first to abuse me, to terrorize me.  my former partner did the same.  i look back at my life with vision that is clearly 20/20, that sees the pattern of how i ran from 'safe' partners and embraced the ones who hurt me.  because, somehow, i learned and decided that the painful ones, they dispensed love in a language i recognized.  a love that comes with fear and pain.   (WTF??!!)

so i'm learning now--for the sake of my children--that love does NOT come at a price of pain.  I am doing my best to heal now--for the sake of my children--so I can show them, so i can teach them that love is love.  that one day, they will meet someone and they will recognize love as something that is beautiful and as something that does not come with a price.

truth and fear

at the end of a long legal battle, i can tell you that all you can do is speak the truth.  judges...i think they've seen it all.  it's hard to realize it, when you see that the future and safety of your children are at stake, but the best thing to do is to trust the process.  be a broken record.  repeat your truth.  remain calm.

of course you might want to scream and cry and sob and tear your hair out.  especially if you have an ex who is abusive and especially, especially, if you have a "secret abuser" on your hands--one who abuses behind closed doors.

just remember, the people who love you, your children, your family, your friends, your colleagues...they believe you.  and the other thing about this is--it doesn't matter who believes you.  you know what happened.  you know it happened.  you know the dangers.

don't give up.  at the end of the day, the truth will prevail.  no matter the dirt and the poop that is thrown at you.  hold your head high.  keep your heart and your dignity in tact.  just because someone else might be spreading lies about you, does not mean you have to stoop to their level.

stand in your truth. the fear will come and go, because that is natural.  hold onto your truth, because it is, at the end of the day, the truth.

and it will prevail.

keep swimming

i can't count how many days where i've found myself completely overwhelmed. just completely.  the ex notwithstanding (he is a quiet, slick type, who loves to stick subtle, nasty comments into you, as if with a butter knife, ugh), just the daily chores/pressures that is single parenting.  one of the kids suddenly breaks out in fever, and i have to call into work.  the other one starts hollering because she wants big sister's graham cracker.  it's stop and go traffic because the healthy kid still needs to get to school, even when the sick kid needs to get taken to the doctor.  the doctor can't get you in until the middle of the day so you are stuck in traffic some more.

in the grand scheme of things, someone might say: at least you have your kids.  at least you CAN drive your kid to the doctor.  at least your other kids gets to go to school.  yes.  i know and i am eternally grateful. and thankful.  i do not minimize those things.  one only needs to go to 'first world problems' site or whatever and see how lame it is to complain about things (i.e. running, clean water, that is awesome!  such an overlooked lovely wonderful thing).

and yet, it's OKAY to feel overwhelmed.  holy shit, if you could do everything perfectly, wouldn't the world be great.

i find breaking it down in little baby steps helps.  or just throw your hands in the air and repeat: just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

eventually, you will get to your destination. it's okay.  be kind to yourself.

p.s. if that doesn't work, i find singing opera slightly cathartic.