The other day, we threw a big birthday party for big sister at the beach. About 25 kids and 40 adults helped celebrate, and big sister was so excited and happy, she floated throughout the day. I feel so lucky and so blessed to be surrounded by people who support our little family. I can't believe how fast the chlidren are growing! !! !!! My heart is still full and I can't stop smiling because it was a magical, perfect day. I wonder if she will remember when she grows up....the sound of the waves, playing in the water, running hand-in-hand with her various BFFs on the sand, digging holes, jumping in her bounce house. Running to each little friend as they arrived and proudly handing them a bucket/shovel that we brought as giveaways. Being surrounded by all her little friends who were all singing happy birthday, then blowing out her candle.
And with light there is also shadow.
The night after the party I had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was in my childhood home and it was time for dad to drop off the girls. I was suddenly filled with terror that he would somehow see inside my house, so I switched on the outside lights, turned off the inside lights, and drew the curtains. And when he arrived with the children, he demanded to come into my home. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't at first, he came in through the front door and I had to push him, against his chest with all my might. He made it through to the entryway, but I was able to shove him outside. I kept saying, how could you do this in front of the children, what are you thinking? And big sister is the only one who could understand, and I felt horrible for her hearing and seeing all of this. When I woke up, I still had the terrible feeling of fear coursing through my veins. I guess I'm still afraid of him.
And I guess, it's okay to be afraid. Because he terrorized us for a long time. And yet, somehow, I found some strength out of this dream, one positive: he had tried to gain entry into my sacred space, but he did not. He got in a little, but I pushed him out. I protected my home and my children as best as I could. In my nightmare, and also in real life.