Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!!

Someone once said, it's the beginning of the eating season. I'm looking forward to the eating.  And to baking cookies for santa (little sis says, "and for the REINdeer!" which made my heart sing).

I'm sorry but i am a mess.  A big emotional mess.  It's been a den of illness, both girls sick and out of school for a week, me in and out of work and i'm sick too, but i'm pretending i'm not.  i don't know what it is but the holiday season, i think, is making me flip out a little.

i used to love the holidays.  adore them.  count the days to when they would arrive.  then two years ago i just bared my teeth and grinned and made it through it.  patted myself on the back that somehow despite all the adversities, i dug deep and created a fun and magical space for the girls.  thanksgiving turkey, check.  stuffing from my grandma's recipe, check.  mashed potatoes, check, well sort of, big sis said they were lumpy (dammit!  lol).  a magical christmas, santa letters written and mailed, cookies set out, even glitter reindeer food out on the patio.  last year, it was more of the same and i was so so so happy, my girls bright faces in the crepuscular morning light--presents, mommy, presents!

okay now that i've written that and am remembering some of those scenes...i'm in a better mood, lol.  to be truthful, i have been a bit of an emo mess for the last 24 hours dealing with the plague of pink eye, viruses, barf, you name it.  i've been feeling overwhelmed.  despite my cheerful nature, i've been feeling down and out.  i think because at the end of the day or in the beginning of the day, it's just me, opening my eyes up to an empty bed.  at night after i put them to sleep, just me falling asleep by myself.

and i know i've written and dreamed that i have to learn to fill up my heart all by myself, to honor that and love that and be okay with it.  that this is better than what it was before.  i might have had someone else in the house, but he hurt us night and day, with pinches of kindness in between.

i guess, when i was a little girl, i had a wish for family, and i know my family isn't what i dreamed it would be.  i know i wished for a family full of love and peace and acceptance, and i do have a version of that.  i think i just miss them--my parents who are out there somewhere who gave me up, my deceased adopted father(s), my mom who is sick and far away, my brother who rarely calls.  what is family?  did i ever really feel like i had one?  and if not, then how do i create the one that i have?

will my girls grow up and know their mommy loves them all day, every day, always and forever?  that is my hope.

will they feel like part of their hearts are missing no matter how much you do everything you can to fill it?  maybe not.  i pray they remember only the love.

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