Thursday, December 19, 2013

the search for a better life (job)

About two months ago I put something in motion.  Having the gnawing instinctual whispering that this new job that I’ve been blessed with was not the best decision for me, I decided to reapply for my former position.
I had the interview yesterday and all signs look like they are very interested in re-hiring me.  Which is amazing!  Good!  Lovely!  Truly!

And i’m suddenly racked with guilt and anxiety.  Because...the past month or so I’ve been making headway with some of the more challenging parts of this job—feeling isolated, concerned about a staff member’s behavior, feeling less than confident in my abilities.  I’ve been able to forge relationships with key players in our organization, I had a meeting with the staff member regarding the behavior and addressed it, honed some of the skills where I I thought I was lacking, and even attended a few holiday parties, rubbing elbows with more key players, which felt genuine, pleasant and nice. 

I went to see my shrink about it and she told me—if you were a man, you wouldn’t even think twice.  Is that true?  Do we women take more responsibility than needed?  I know that’s a broad statement.  I think it’s anxiety that I’m letting people down if I leave.  I am second guessing myself that maybe I didn’t give it enough time here.  (My shrink says 6-8 months is enough time).  I think it’s also fear that I won’t succeed if accepted back into my new job.  I need to get out of my over-anxious head and just deal with it.  Deal with it!  I put these steps into motion and if they hire me back, I will accept.  I will put in my two weeks notice and take some time off to rest and do nothing and recuperate.  I’ve never really had a chance to recuperate from the craziness of this terrible divorce.

And if they don’t hire me, then I will know that it’s not meant to be.  And addressing some of the things here that I did address—it will always be part of my experience—I can always know I did my best and can make the best of it.

I remember when I interviewed for my current position, I was in the blessed and thankful place of not needing a job, of having nothing to lose.  And when I was offered the job—my very first gut instinct was to NOT accept it.  It took a week end of convincing myself it was the right thing to do—a door opened, I should walk through it, it means better security for my children, it’s a sign, after all the terrible things I had gone through, a better financial opportunity was the way to go.

And now it’s turning out that maybe it wasn’t.  Or...maybe I had to go away to understand the impact of my former job and truly value the environment that I had before. 

My good friend asked me—what does your heart say?  I didn’t have an answer, but when I went to my interview yesterday, it felt like going home.

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