Friday, February 21, 2014

what to do about anxiety and depression

i am having a hard time with my emotional regulation--constantly anxious, constantly depressed and after months of therapy in the 'aftermath' of getting out of a completely crazy situation, i'm coming to the conclusion that it is not normal for me to feel this way.  to wake up with a knot of anxiety in my belly.  to not be able to concentrate at work because i'm worried or anxious.  to get set off just because dear daughter 1 can't get her backpack out of the car at drop off in the morning--parenting FAIL.  to freak out because my SO heated up green beans instead of helping me with broccoli.  for a few moments, i was really pissed off about it, ready to yell!  which is totally stupid!  and i'm worn out, exhausted from the constant triggering, then the constant whittling back to gain control over overreacting.  this isn't normal, this is f-ed up. 

i'm tired of the hypervigilance.  i'm tired of the anxiety.  even all the worries about emailing perfectly normal things to my ex about girls scouts or ballet, should not be there.  the pit in my stomach when i see an email from him pop up in my inbox.  it shouldn't be there, either.

i am seriously considering zoloft.  the psychiatrist recommended it last time, but i said i'd rather try something short term and see how it goes, because i was worried and have resisted medication.  I guess I thought it was a sign of failure for not being able to do this on my own. which is also stupid, because i whole-heartedly support people getting help when they need it, what's my deal that i can't accept it for myself...?

but now i'm sitting here...and i'm bone-tired. i'm tired of waking up depressed and/or with the knot in my belly of anxiety.  everything i've tried so far isn't working.  i've made baby steps with the anxiety with therapy and sleep meds, but i am struggling with it. 

maybe I can't understand this because I sometimes cope okay and I do still laugh.  i have pockets of coping and laughing, but i am barely hanging on with my fingernails.  something goes wrong, my SO makes a stupid comment about the chive and i freak the *** out...or i worry that suddenly the preschool teachers are looking at me funny because maybe my ex convinced him he's this great guy and they don't believe me.  i shouldn't care about that sh**.  i just...i never thought i would try antidepressants, but i think i need to consider it.  i am a highly functional non-functional person because of my PTSD, and i think i've hit my limit.  and it sucks and i don't want to say that, but i'm struggling.

rather than do my research for work this morning, i'm looking up side effects of zoloft and writing all of this out.

my trusted friends have tried it and it really works for them.  they don't have decreased sexual appetites and they didn't have fundamental changes in their personality.
So…i'm seeing my psychiatrist and therapist next week tuesday.  i actually DON'T like being on medication.  i.e. i know people out there love ambien and for a while it helped me sleep, but i weaned myself off that sh** all by myself, because it just freaks me OUT to be on medication.

well, this is what I was thinking today--i still have hope and i'm still positive--but, damn some days are harder than others.

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