Friday, March 28, 2014

The Right Way

I’ve been caught up in a bunch of e-mauls this week, and it’s been a complete pain in the ass.  Again.  There is a great resource for coparenting with an abusive ex, here:  <click>

I full on kicked into the “response process” and it helped some; after wondering (ok, agonizing) all day, I finally emailed a two sentence response, indicating that while we are in a disagreement, to continue the conversation with our court ordered co-parenting mediator.  (Who is sometimes effective, sometimes dismissive, and after spending time with her, I sometimes have to see my own therapist to process, because he uses the coparenting mediator as a forum to complain and I’m often doing the “response process” with her, too…but I suppose that’s another post altogether).

I noticed that lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time on whether something I send or think or advocate or do, is “the right” thing.  In fact, I spend almost all of it.  It’s part of the “agony” of the response process.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I protected?  Am I leaving a door open for vulnerability?

And an attorney friend of mine responded to this question—hoping that my two sentence response was the right thing to do?—something that cleared the way, cue the sunrays and angels and clouds.

There is no one right way.  There is the way that I choose, based on a variety of factors, minimizing stress on the kids (and me), holding boundaries, protecting ourselves, and I need to stick with that choice and move forward.  Because no matter what decision I make, there will always be a response or consequence.  And when that response and consequence comes up, I will deal with it like I’ve always dealt with it.  So it’s okay to let go of “the right way,” and just choose and move forward.

I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before, and I hope I can hold on to this feeling like a u-haul truck has been lifted off my back somehow.  Because it’s true: it doesn’t matter what I do, and evidence has shown that no matter what I do, there will be a complaint or a nitpicky response or a light or heavy-weight emaul.  And I will deal with it.

Go zen warrior!

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