Thursday, June 12, 2014

Drama Update

In the eleventh hour, he came to his senses and agreed to the holiday (most likely consulted his attorney and realized it was ironclad in the order).  There was some minor squabbling about the actual time of transfer in the morning (more control and non-compromising on his part, no surprise, CVC), but the girls and I had a beautiful day playing outdoors and with our friends.  Thank goodness for that!  I love seeing their smiles and giggles and running around getting fresh air, and DD1 being so cute with catching waves on her boogie board.

Plus, I was NOT interested in calling the police, but I learned something new--that it’s different in all states, and in ours, they are helpful and will get involved, even though it’s “a civil matter.”  This is good information to have, and one I will keep close to my chest, while at the same time, hoping it never comes to that. 

What gets me is that the third party counselor and my Exie both think that he was “compromising” that he “let” me have the holiday, when it’s clearly spelled out in the court order as to who gets what day.  Yes, there are times and places to compromise, with adequate notice, but yesterday, seriously?  Roles reversed—the amount of crappity crap, accusatory commentary, and dramatic emails piled on me would have rivaled the height (and weight) of the Sear’s tower.  And according to their reasoning, this would be like me “letting” Exie have one of his Saturdays.  I’m going with a What-EVER.

So after consulting with my therapist, it’s time to be a broken record with the third-party counselor whose mantra is “the past is in the past.”  I kindly offered to bring in the decree to review with her—stating that while there are appropriate places and times to “compromise,” working with someone like Exie makes it easier on the children and myself when we follow the decree, which Exie often cites to, anyway.  Wish me luck on how that one goes.

Anyway—while basking in the lovely day yesterday, I unfortunately experienced two more things that waved my CVC antennae--the phone call and at dinner.  When we called Exie for the nightly call (honestly tempted to skip it altogether because of the manipulations for the holiday, and his allusion to going out of town, but decided not to act like an a$$hole), DD2 had the fit of the giggles, simply from lying on her back on the couch and dangling her head a little bit.  I encouraged DD2 to tell Exie about her day—and she did, that we went to the beach and had lunch and played with our friends--but she kept giggling and Exie lovingly accused, "Is mommy distracting you?  Is mommy interfering with your talking to daddy?"  to which she responded no and kept giggling, because DD2 is in preschool, and has no idea WTF he’s talking about.   Then DD1 had her turn and explained to Exie that DD2  was lying on the couch and giggling and nothing was going on—because DD1 feels responsible for Exie’s feelings, of course. :-(

Secondly, at dinner, DD2 brought up the "daddy said we can't call aaa, aaa" conversation.  Actually, DD2 tried to engage DD1 to tell us what Exie said, but DD1 said, no, and then said, "i forgot."  Poor DD1!  Caught in the middle, again. :-(  Whatever is going on with Exie doesn't appear to be stopping.  I responded with my usual:  daddy's right, no aaa at dad's house, and at our house we have aaa A, and we can call him aaa, or A, or aaa A, it’s our choice, yay! 

I’m wracking my head and consulting our play therapist on any other suggestions.   I also reiterated with them that daddy will always be their daddy no matter what.  I think somehow, my being supportive of their feelings about Exie is why they come to me with his crappity crap in the first place.  They want to see how I will react, and I never get mad at them.  I hope that means they trust me.  ?

And finally, one new absolutely LOVELY development:  Exie is lobbying to pull DD1 from her ballet class—a place she has attended for the last four years.  He is claiming DD1 is sharing that it’s “too strict.” So I did a full on review--talking with DD1, a former classmate who left due to tuition (just to make sure there weren't any other issues), as well as the teachers.  DD1 did say it’s harder now that she’s older, but that she still wants to be a ‘big girl’ ballerina and have pointe shoes one day (aww).  The Ballet Director (BD) said DD1 is an excellent student and when I asked her if she thought DD1 thought it was "too strict," BD responded that DD1 will sometimes meet new ballet moves as "it's too hard!," and then they encourage her to "just try it, you can do it!" and then  DD1 tries it, "does it beautifully," and is then encouraged by the teachers that she did a great job, and DD1 smiles and seems proud of herself.  I think it's a good lesson for DD1 to see that when things seem difficult, she can overcome them and also see how much she learns.  (DD1 often dances around the house and shows us her new dance moves.)  I also see DD1 hug her teachers Miss J and BD after class—DD1 also hugs and shares snacks with her classmates, so I don't think there's any issues there.

So I wrote to him, to see if he might call BD and discuss with her directly about DD1’s progress and enjoyment of ballet.  I wrote that it’s important to have his support (not monetary, of course, because he hasn’t contributed to tuition for years, ssshhhh, whatever), and hopefully he can reconsider.  The kicker to all this is that DD1’s class has historically been on my days this past year…well, next month, it’s moving to be on his day plus mine.  So, unless he changes his mind…WTF.

On a side note:  I don’t have a particular interest in forcing my DD1 to grow up and be a prima ballerina or anything like that—especially if things heat up academically at school and she needs the time to study,etc.  Just, for now she’s learning and living and having fun with the beginnings of a fine art, loving her classmates and teachers, and I just wish he could be supportive of that.  So while I have my CVC, at the same time, here’s to wishing and hoping.

1 comment:

  1. That was the one beauty of having our parenting coordinator - he always felt like he was being the "big guy" because he was "allowing" me to do something. Which was great until five minutes later when he forgot what he'd agreed to.

    We had to stop the phone calls. He was getting too manipulative and winding the kids up before bed. And then there were the questions about what we were doing. Just inappropriate. I'm getting angry just thinking about it. I've been there. Sorry you have to go through it.