We
had an eye-opening session with the girls’ play therapist, and the things she
was discussing helped me feel better about our situation. No, I’m not going crazy for seeing and
reporting Exie’s emotional pressure on the children. Yes, I am doing the right thing for
validating the girls (esp DD1’s) feelings about things—i.e. I’m sorry daddy
feels that way vs. a flat out, he’s completely wrong. And then softly influencing her to form her
own opinions—i.e. how do you feel about that?
What makes you feel that way? Do
you know it’s okay to have feelings that are not the same as mom or dad? (great, can’t wait when that backfires at 16,
but whatever, lol). Yes, we continue to let
her have the space and time to figure this inner conflict out—what is her stuff
and what is her dad’s stuff. Yes, we are
allowed to intervene if said conflict escalates at our house and behavior needs
to be corrected, but we do not use the blame game. We allow her to have feelings yet at the same
time give her structure. Easier said
than done. Like, how the heck do you DO
that? I’ll keep reporting back on what
we discover. (And I’ll keep looking at
and listening to what you discover, too).
And yes,
DD1, especially my sensitive and smart DD1, will one day figure this out, and
should this continue, Exie will be the one who pays for it. And truthfully, introspection
notwithstanding, of course I do not want him to ‘pay’ for it or have DD1 resent
him (ok, fine. maybe a little, with a
big BUT ONLY if he continues acting like a douche). What I KNOW is best for the girls is that he
stops his crazy bull$**t and acts like a mature adult. Here’s to hoping that the people involved in
our case can assist—who see the bird’s eye view like this, can influence him
towards change. I know that it’s not my
job anymore to discuss, placate, wish, talk, demand, beg changes from him.
So regarding
boundaries and what’s ahead: yes, we
need to put something in place that gives structure to the phone calls—they are
not for HIM to push his agenda on talking and length of talking and to guilt
the children about. The phone calls or
for the CHILDREN, not the parents. Secondly,
no, I do not escalate the ballet class, because of his stance on it at the
moment—it has turned into a battleground, another tug-of-war, another conflict
area that is not in DD1’s best interest.
Instead, our job is to help DD1 make her own mind up about things like
this, and give her the strength to assert her voice and her boundaries.
Exie
will be Exie. We can’t change him and
hopefully, he will improve—or not. In
the mean time, we do know what we’re dealing with and facing, so the journey
into blended family life continues on. One
step at a time. One laugh at a time. One tear at a time. Don’t give up. Patience.
Be kind. Wait, this is what I told
our leaders to do in my last post. I
have to remember to give myself the same advice. Look both ways before crossing the road, hold
hands and stick together.
'Hold hands and stick together', good and solid advice. It seems much of our good advice we learned in Kindergarten :) You're doing amazing things with your daughters in light of the continuous difficulty. Great share, Jane.
ReplyDeletethank you lisa! I really appreciate our words of encouragement. :)
DeleteGood luck with the boundaries on the phone calls. That was a sticky one for us. I ended up cutting them off completely after he started going to the police station to make them. It was just too much. I still ask the children if they'd like to call him after important events (losing a tooth etc) and will let them call him if they're not asking because he's pressured them to, but there is absolutely no reciprocation. But you're doing the right things. Creating boundaries and letting the kids have the space to come to their own judgements. It will all play out in the long run.
ReplyDelete