Thursday, February 12, 2015

How do you heal?

I am really struggling these days. How to you heal? How you pretend everything is okay? In a couple of weeks, dd2's school is having an event, both parents have to be there, and i know the right thing to do is to put a smile on my face and be pleasant.

He threatened to put a bullet through my head. he said he would murder DD1 in her sleep. He choked our dog. He smashed and broke their toys, I never knew what would set him off, screaming, swearing, pushing and shoving them. i just watched part of _boyhood_ and the explosions of the stepdad, that was how it was like living with him. my psychologist and therapist friends observed he was a dry alcoholic--he would have the alcoholic rages without the alcohol.

And now...i have to pretend everything is okay and i'm fine.

i know it's the right thing to do--to go and put a brave face (we even have to sit together), but how do you do it? how do you get to a place where it's ok?

I know part of this PTSD thinking is being triggered by the legal writing that has been going on.  I keep thinking and re-thinking—did I do the right thing?  Escalating conflict through an attorney?  Then I think back on the last three months—the refusal to support DD1’s dance, the last two years of neglecting a financial obligation, the potential for a good education for the girls.  It wasn’t a rushed decision.  The co-parenting mediator even used the words “passive-aggressive” to describe him.

I have to find comfort that I’m doing the right thing, even though I feel scared. 

My friend offered me a book called _Healing is a Choice_.  It’s about forgiveness, but not forgetting, and finding a means to heal so your life is not consumed by the actions of the past.

Some days I’m really good at this.  Other days, like today, not so much. 

I guess I can only keep on swimming.


  1. Sometimes you have to tread water for a while...just keeping your head above water too. If you're swimming, you're going places. And you'll get there. Big big hugs sweetie.

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Liv. I really appreciate them and feel a little better today. Every day is such a challenge! I have to remember--at least he's not in our home anymore. At least we are building a new life... <3 Thanks again for the hugs!!