Merry Christmas Eve! (and a Christmas Wish)

What a week end before Christmas!  We are so excited to celebrate the holidays—with our pals and our annual Christmas cookie baking—recipe passed down from my mom and her mom, along with their home made icing recipe.  The Christmas cookies aren’t just any type of Christmas cookies—they have a touch of vanilla and lemon which sets them apart.  We also bake what we call “margerites”—which I pre make before the girls arrive; one of big sis’ BFF looks forward to eating them every year--they’re these bite-sized oatmeal, brown sugar min-muffin goodnesses with chopped pecans.  I have vivid memories of eating them every Christmas with my mom, polishing off almost a complete batch; and now big sis’ BFF does the same.

After we exhaust ourselves rolling out the dough, cutting out the cookies, baking, then icing and sprinkling, I order pizza in and then we all settle down for our annual Christmas movie watching with the lights down and using an LCD projector that spreads the picture on the wall.  Our faves:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 1966 cartoon version)

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (also animated, 1983 version)

And the feature pick this year—Home Alone

(I realized that I hadn’t seen Home Alone from start to finish and thought it was pretty funny!  The annual feature rotates—last year it was the Polar Express which was a little weird, and honestly can’t remember the feature picks from years before, lol!)

At any rate, as the girls get older, I’m seeing different age related changes, i.e. big sis and friends politely asked me to put on K-pop instead of playing Christmas carols (ahhh! Tweendom is here!)!  I relented, but only after we compromised that while little sis and her friend were in the room we’d play holiday music, so I could (in their words) imprint Christmas music onto their souls.  Big sis and friends hardly need any supervision—I can just give them some dough and a rolling pin and they’re off and running; I can focus on the littles, helping them roll and cut out and carefully transferring cut outs to the pan without beheading angels or mangling up stars (which I don’t actually mind, but they insisted on “not killing” the angels).

The following morning, we made pretzels dipped in white chocolate and sprinkles galore (so to use the leftover cookie sprinkles)…and oh how many sprinkles were all over the house!  I then put on a Netflix movie so they could chill out before being picked up, and found a silly holiday gem of a movie called The Christmas Chronicles.  Kurt Russel as St. Nick and a surprise appearance of Goldie Hawn as Mrs. Claus at the end!  This may be our feature pick for next year.

One advantage of big sister and her pals getting older is that they can help with all the cleaning, big sis even vacuumed!

After everyone left, the girls and I took a power nap, because we had plans to go see Mary Poppins Returns with our pals we’ve known since the girls were literally in the belly.  (One of my BFFs and I met at pregnant lady yoga in what seems like a million years ago.)  Big sis declared that while this was a good movie, the ORIGINAL was STILL the best.  (I liked Mary Poppins Returns—it made me nostalgic for the original Mary Poppins in the very BEST way). 

On the way home, the Christmas music loud and proud in the car, the holiday neighborhood lights blinking and glowing all around us, I realized that the girls were singing along to every song that came on.  I think my heart grew so much it was about to burst.  Bing Crosby's The Little Drummer Boy.  Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is coming to town (belting it out like we were at a rock concert).  Holly Jolly Christmas.  Do you Hear what I Hear.  Do They Know it's Christmas.  Just to name a few. Please let them remember and hold in their hearts these small happy moments in time.

A friend of mind posted that if she could have but one Christmas wish, it would be to wake up on Christmas morning to see her mother and father standing by the tree (they passed on years ago).  I realized I could have the very same wish.  I would be torn though, and I think my mom would understand, if I spent my one precious Christmas wish on my daughters—that they will always feel my love for them, no matter where they are, no matter when, no matter what. 

Wouldn’t it be lovely if could have more than one Christmas wish?  Let’s make our wishes come true, somehow, at least the ones that are created from love.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Tis the Season...For all the Feels

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The holiday joy and love and laughter are filling up our house at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive.  DD2 has written THREE letters to Santa, the Christmas tree is up and decorated, lights decorating our carport outside to add to the holiday cheer.  The girls’ santa cookie baking sleepover date has been confirmed with all four friends (yes, that means six giggling girls in my household the week end before Christmas, lol!!), and we just finished baking mini pound cakes for our schoolteachers and neighbors.  DD1 politely informed me that she could bake a batch of cakes all on her own, thank you very much.  And DD2 was so sweet, intently helping with sifting the ingredients before hand and after they had cooled, carefully wrapping each cake with care, lol!

As bright as the holiday cheer is shining all around us, equally as bright are my heartache and pain.  In the words of a good friend—the holidays uproot happiness and hurt all at the same time.  The older I get, the more this seems to be.

I’ve been trying to focus on the spirit of giving and making fun memories for my girls—and also breathing in and letting go of expectations and judgments on what the holidays are “supposed” to be.  I hurt in my heart and mind, missing my mom and my dad and all of the people I’ve loved and lost along the way, even the ones I can’t remember.  I hurt for the ones who might wonder where I am, and I hurt for thinking they might not care. Or maybe they do.  I hurt for the mistakes I’ve made and the pain I’ve caused, and I hurt from the scars that were given to me from other people.

In the morning, just before opening my eyes, I can feel the anxiety squeezing my heart and the worries ever present, prickling my skin just in case I’ve forgotten that I worry if I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m smart enough, or if I’m good enough, or if I’m worthy enough.

In an effort not to give into the hurt I see in the world and inside myself, I reflect what I do want to see, the love I want to see in the world.  It’s an impasse, sometimes, the hold of the worry and pain, and the desire to be the light.  I’m the knot stuck in the middle.

My mom taught me this saying that my grandma taught her:  use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.  It’s her no nonsense, no frills, bare bones way of getting through life.  It’s simple.  It’s strength.

I don’t have that kind of strength, but I admire hers.  My version would be:  cherish what you have and use what you have wisely, while also sharing your life and love with others.  And if something doesn’t work for you, let it go.  (I’m too wordy.)

My problem is in execution, I get lost in the hurting and anxiety, which I know is part of the healing marathon.  I wish I could be strong like her.  I miss her confidence in knowing what to do all the time.

And again with the words!  This post is a dedication to embracing the love and hope of the holidays as well as accepting and acknowledging the pain.  And how sometimes, it’s okay not to have advice on what to do with the complicated feelings that this means.  Accepting that I have both love and pain in life is not the same phrase as “love equals pain.”  That’s progress!

Sometimes, I wonder if we’re all just bouncing around in various states of healing.  In my youth, I think I was definitely causing pain because of my pain, and for that I’m deeply mortified and sorry.  Now that I’m older, I’m trying to be that change I want to see in the world, I want to be the light and be the love.