Someone once said, it's the beginning of the eating season. I'm looking forward to the eating. And to baking cookies for santa (little sis says, "and for the REINdeer!" which made my heart sing).
I'm sorry but i am a mess. A big emotional mess. It's been a den of illness, both girls sick and out of school for a week, me in and out of work and i'm sick too, but i'm pretending i'm not. i don't know what it is but the holiday season, i think, is making me flip out a little.
i used to love the holidays. adore them. count the days to when they would arrive. then two years ago i just bared my teeth and grinned and made it through it. patted myself on the back that somehow despite all the adversities, i dug deep and created a fun and magical space for the girls. thanksgiving turkey, check. stuffing from my grandma's recipe, check. mashed potatoes, check, well sort of, big sis said they were lumpy (dammit! lol). a magical christmas, santa letters written and mailed, cookies set out, even glitter reindeer food out on the patio. last year, it was more of the same and i was so so so happy, my girls bright faces in the crepuscular morning light--presents, mommy, presents!
okay now that i've written that and am remembering some of those scenes...i'm in a better mood, lol. to be truthful, i have been a bit of an emo mess for the last 24 hours dealing with the plague of pink eye, viruses, barf, you name it. i've been feeling overwhelmed. despite my cheerful nature, i've been feeling down and out. i think because at the end of the day or in the beginning of the day, it's just me, opening my eyes up to an empty bed. at night after i put them to sleep, just me falling asleep by myself.
and i know i've written and dreamed that i have to learn to fill up my heart all by myself, to honor that and love that and be okay with it. that this is better than what it was before. i might have had someone else in the house, but he hurt us night and day, with pinches of kindness in between.
i guess, when i was a little girl, i had a wish for family, and i know my family isn't what i dreamed it would be. i know i wished for a family full of love and peace and acceptance, and i do have a version of that. i think i just miss them--my parents who are out there somewhere who gave me up, my deceased adopted father(s), my mom who is sick and far away, my brother who rarely calls. what is family? did i ever really feel like i had one? and if not, then how do i create the one that i have?
will my girls grow up and know their mommy loves them all day, every day, always and forever? that is my hope.
will they feel like part of their hearts are missing no matter how much you do everything you can to fill it? maybe not. i pray they remember only the love.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
changes
something kind of big just happened. someone involved with our case has resigned. that someone had lost her neutrality and was emotionally pressuring my daughter to 'feel dad's pain,' and asking her about custody and visitation with her dad. which i think is fine to discuss with my daughter--IF my daughter brings it up to be discussed. don't go needling her and making her feel guilty, first of all, she's too young to even know what guilty means. she already worries too much about her dad, she doesn't need an extra layer of responsibility placed on her. Rather, she needs to be supported as we transition post divorce and into the future. that it's going to be okay and it's okay to have feelings and sometimes be angry and sometimes be happy and sometimes be relieved. her feelings are her own and it's not someone else's job to bring more complications into the picture.
truthfully, i think it's best for my children to understand that an authoritative force outside of mommy and daddy came into play. to understand that this is nobody's "fault" but the factors of our lives created a situation where we have this arrangement and that it will be okay.
with relief comes new stress to find a new person into our lives and i pray that person can be neutral. i'm not asking for anything more than to support my children in this transition. please let this person be neutral.
truthfully, i think it's best for my children to understand that an authoritative force outside of mommy and daddy came into play. to understand that this is nobody's "fault" but the factors of our lives created a situation where we have this arrangement and that it will be okay.
with relief comes new stress to find a new person into our lives and i pray that person can be neutral. i'm not asking for anything more than to support my children in this transition. please let this person be neutral.
Friday, September 13, 2013
disengage
the last two days have been unexpectedly freeing.
i somehow have managed to disengage from the madness, and that is liberating. my ex seems to be having a temper tantrum, and for some reason i'm able to handle it okay, let him have his temper tantrum in the corner somewhere, and be thankful it's no longer my smack dab center in my life, in my home, among my children. <3 <3 <3
i've heard the phrase: you can't control what he does, you can only control how you react to it. it's hard not to get triggered, so very hard. when slime is thrown at you, you can't help but feel slimy.
today, i don't. i feel free. i really can control how i behave and how i react. today i am strong. and thankful. <3 <3 <3
i somehow have managed to disengage from the madness, and that is liberating. my ex seems to be having a temper tantrum, and for some reason i'm able to handle it okay, let him have his temper tantrum in the corner somewhere, and be thankful it's no longer my smack dab center in my life, in my home, among my children. <3 <3 <3
i've heard the phrase: you can't control what he does, you can only control how you react to it. it's hard not to get triggered, so very hard. when slime is thrown at you, you can't help but feel slimy.
today, i don't. i feel free. i really can control how i behave and how i react. today i am strong. and thankful. <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
take it on the chin
the last couple of weeks have been full of highs and lows--lovely to have traveled for work and then tacked on a rendesvouz with long time girlfriends. eating our way through the city and laughing and giggling through the night. an adult beverage (or two) in hand. a reminder that my heart can be carefree for just a while, can feel like i'm 20 years younger simply by cracking a joke and my stomach in cramps simply because i can't.stop.laughing. it's kind of amazing. how i feel the same on the inside, it's just the outside has changed with time.
and at the same time that i was so happy bustling through the city, i also dreamed and wished and longed for home, even though i knew there was adversity waiting for me. i missed my babies, and when i returned to them, they were loving, cheerful, happy, playful. until bed time when they became fussy and tired and, well more fussy as can be expected. they'd been at dad's and their grandmother's for the week, and the transition was hard.
the thing is, while the litigation is over and the divorce is final and the custody ruling is in, there is one leftover fight that is being fought and i'm just so tired of fighting. i almost want to give in because i'm tired. i'm afraid. it's the same story, about not being believed, about being questioned, about being lied about. i just can't take it anymore. i want to move forward with a clear head and clear heart, our new life. but there is someone involved with our case who is undermining the court ruling and who has aligned with children's father. who has brought up custody with my little girl and is confusing her because of it, with much more potential to confuse her in the future.
i know that my daughters are emotionally 'leaned on' to put it nicely (blackmailed to put it not so nicely) when they are not with me, and i can't subject them to more of that elsewhere. i have taken it on the chin for so long, at some point, we just have to say stop. i just have to say stop. i do not revel in this process. i want it to be taken care of. i foresee a future of squabbling and taking the high road and okay i will do that.
for today, i just want the right thing to be done by my children, and i need the strength to do it. please help me be strong, even when i feel like whimpering and crawling into the corner. please let me be brave.
and at the same time that i was so happy bustling through the city, i also dreamed and wished and longed for home, even though i knew there was adversity waiting for me. i missed my babies, and when i returned to them, they were loving, cheerful, happy, playful. until bed time when they became fussy and tired and, well more fussy as can be expected. they'd been at dad's and their grandmother's for the week, and the transition was hard.
the thing is, while the litigation is over and the divorce is final and the custody ruling is in, there is one leftover fight that is being fought and i'm just so tired of fighting. i almost want to give in because i'm tired. i'm afraid. it's the same story, about not being believed, about being questioned, about being lied about. i just can't take it anymore. i want to move forward with a clear head and clear heart, our new life. but there is someone involved with our case who is undermining the court ruling and who has aligned with children's father. who has brought up custody with my little girl and is confusing her because of it, with much more potential to confuse her in the future.
i know that my daughters are emotionally 'leaned on' to put it nicely (blackmailed to put it not so nicely) when they are not with me, and i can't subject them to more of that elsewhere. i have taken it on the chin for so long, at some point, we just have to say stop. i just have to say stop. i do not revel in this process. i want it to be taken care of. i foresee a future of squabbling and taking the high road and okay i will do that.
for today, i just want the right thing to be done by my children, and i need the strength to do it. please help me be strong, even when i feel like whimpering and crawling into the corner. please let me be brave.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
where the chips fall
dear slt,
once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a grandmother who loved her granddaughters more than anything in the world. over a period of time, she became concerned with how her own son treated her granddaughters--losing his temper, yelling at them, sometimes so loudly and so frightfully, that her oldest granddaughter would cry so hard she would throw up. her son would make her granddaughter sit there frozen, she dared not move, because he was so angry with her for spilliing her [grain of rice, soymilk, fill in the blank]. One time, she was at the house and her son became so infuriated with her granddaughter that he locked her in the bathroom, with the lights off, and with no windows, the room became a pitch black cell. Her granddaughter wailed in fear, but he would not relent, until finally his wife opened the door and held their daughter, trembling and sobbing.
About this time, her daughter-in-law had become concerned with the grandmother's son's temper and the escalation of events--with the birth of their second child, she realized things were getting worse rather than better. he began to throw things, break things, stomp on toys and shatter them, the children were getting kicked, pushed, shoved, the puppy was getting thrown against the wall. she asked the grandmother if, and only if, one day, should she and her husband not be able to overcome these anger outbursts together, if the grandmother would still allow her to bring the granddaughters to visit. the grandmother said, 'of course!' as if it would be the easiest thing in the world...
a year later, the grandmother told the court reporter that her husband used to beat her children, and broke her wrist in fits of rage. she said that he was hard on the children, but it wasn't a domestic violence sort of thing. she said she was concerned with her son's temper and agreed he had trouble containing his anger. a few months after that, she was in the hallway in the courthouse, making fun of how the soon to be ex wife said her granddaughters name. she was whooping it up and laughing and joking, as if waiting for a concert or at a picnic, or anywhere else that was not the hallway of family court, in between witnesses testifying at trial.
the grandmother went on the stand at trial and said her son did not have an anger problem. that he was good to his daughters and would never hurt them. because she had said the opposite just two months prior at her deposition, the her testimony was deemed not credible.
the chips fall where they fall. my children love their grandmother with all their hearts. this grandmother loves her son, loves her granddaughters.
someone once told me--what does love do for you in the face of anger? love doesn't do anything to help you or protect you. the only thing left to do is remove yourself from danger and protect your heart and little hearts, too. i wish i had a better answer to this fairy tale. i guess i'm just grateful that our house is free from the kind of love that comes at a price.
once upon a time, a long time ago, there lived a grandmother who loved her granddaughters more than anything in the world. over a period of time, she became concerned with how her own son treated her granddaughters--losing his temper, yelling at them, sometimes so loudly and so frightfully, that her oldest granddaughter would cry so hard she would throw up. her son would make her granddaughter sit there frozen, she dared not move, because he was so angry with her for spilliing her [grain of rice, soymilk, fill in the blank]. One time, she was at the house and her son became so infuriated with her granddaughter that he locked her in the bathroom, with the lights off, and with no windows, the room became a pitch black cell. Her granddaughter wailed in fear, but he would not relent, until finally his wife opened the door and held their daughter, trembling and sobbing.
About this time, her daughter-in-law had become concerned with the grandmother's son's temper and the escalation of events--with the birth of their second child, she realized things were getting worse rather than better. he began to throw things, break things, stomp on toys and shatter them, the children were getting kicked, pushed, shoved, the puppy was getting thrown against the wall. she asked the grandmother if, and only if, one day, should she and her husband not be able to overcome these anger outbursts together, if the grandmother would still allow her to bring the granddaughters to visit. the grandmother said, 'of course!' as if it would be the easiest thing in the world...
a year later, the grandmother told the court reporter that her husband used to beat her children, and broke her wrist in fits of rage. she said that he was hard on the children, but it wasn't a domestic violence sort of thing. she said she was concerned with her son's temper and agreed he had trouble containing his anger. a few months after that, she was in the hallway in the courthouse, making fun of how the soon to be ex wife said her granddaughters name. she was whooping it up and laughing and joking, as if waiting for a concert or at a picnic, or anywhere else that was not the hallway of family court, in between witnesses testifying at trial.
the grandmother went on the stand at trial and said her son did not have an anger problem. that he was good to his daughters and would never hurt them. because she had said the opposite just two months prior at her deposition, the her testimony was deemed not credible.
the chips fall where they fall. my children love their grandmother with all their hearts. this grandmother loves her son, loves her granddaughters.
someone once told me--what does love do for you in the face of anger? love doesn't do anything to help you or protect you. the only thing left to do is remove yourself from danger and protect your heart and little hearts, too. i wish i had a better answer to this fairy tale. i guess i'm just grateful that our house is free from the kind of love that comes at a price.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
worthy
dear SLT,
well, the truth is, i have somehow, against many odds, found love again. i met someone articulate, kind and loving. smart and funny. considerate and generous of heart and spirit and even generous and giving with material things. someone who is forgiving and accepting. liberal and respectful. someone with a heart the size of texas. the last year has been quite an adventure with this new love. i admit i tested boundaries a lot, i vetted him. i actually researched his criminal background to be sure it was clear. i made him take HIV and STD tests and show me the results. yeah, well, thinking practically, and yet he did everything with grace and patience. He even wanted to do those things. And I made him meet almost everyone I know (he has, pretty much, except for my people who live 3000 miles away).
so why am i suddenly scared shitless? it comes and goes, i'll be tooling along, perfectly serene, confident, loving, happy, and then i'm on the brink of tears, suddenly terrified. waiting for the door to slam in my face, or the floor to shatter beneath my feet. it's crazy talk, he has done nothing to worry me. the few disagreements we've had, we've talked it out, and even if we don't agree, we are respectful and usually end the discussions in laughter. his past has had tragedy, too, and i think that's another level where we connect. so why am i freaking the f*** out?
i know this will sound stupid so i'll just say it: i feel like i don't deserve this. i feel like there is something wrong with me. i say and write and advise others to believe in the good in people, to believe that good can come back into your life somehow, if only you keep your heart open and forgiving. but why do i have so much trouble living it? why can't i feel normal and happy unless i'm dealing with some f***ed up trauma?
i think part of it is that we accept the love we think we deserve. (and i talk about making all this progress getting out of an abusive marriage, but have i really?) and i think that i can only accept love that comes with pain, because all my life i learned that love comes with pain. so i'm looking around everywhere, in the nooks and crannies, for the pain, and when i can't find it, i'm terrified.
so tell me, anyone out there, who has survived an abusive marriage, does this terror abate...?
well, the truth is, i have somehow, against many odds, found love again. i met someone articulate, kind and loving. smart and funny. considerate and generous of heart and spirit and even generous and giving with material things. someone who is forgiving and accepting. liberal and respectful. someone with a heart the size of texas. the last year has been quite an adventure with this new love. i admit i tested boundaries a lot, i vetted him. i actually researched his criminal background to be sure it was clear. i made him take HIV and STD tests and show me the results. yeah, well, thinking practically, and yet he did everything with grace and patience. He even wanted to do those things. And I made him meet almost everyone I know (he has, pretty much, except for my people who live 3000 miles away).
so why am i suddenly scared shitless? it comes and goes, i'll be tooling along, perfectly serene, confident, loving, happy, and then i'm on the brink of tears, suddenly terrified. waiting for the door to slam in my face, or the floor to shatter beneath my feet. it's crazy talk, he has done nothing to worry me. the few disagreements we've had, we've talked it out, and even if we don't agree, we are respectful and usually end the discussions in laughter. his past has had tragedy, too, and i think that's another level where we connect. so why am i freaking the f*** out?
i know this will sound stupid so i'll just say it: i feel like i don't deserve this. i feel like there is something wrong with me. i say and write and advise others to believe in the good in people, to believe that good can come back into your life somehow, if only you keep your heart open and forgiving. but why do i have so much trouble living it? why can't i feel normal and happy unless i'm dealing with some f***ed up trauma?
i think part of it is that we accept the love we think we deserve. (and i talk about making all this progress getting out of an abusive marriage, but have i really?) and i think that i can only accept love that comes with pain, because all my life i learned that love comes with pain. so i'm looking around everywhere, in the nooks and crannies, for the pain, and when i can't find it, i'm terrified.
so tell me, anyone out there, who has survived an abusive marriage, does this terror abate...?
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
happy day
someone once told me that when you share time with your small children--and they leave you for a good amount of time (1-2 weeks), it's akin to letting your children go when they are much older, say, to college. It's empty nest syndrome up close and personal, because your little hearts and little faces are suddenly not with you every day, you don't hear their little voices bouncing around the hallway between your bedroom and theirs.
that was the case for me...summer vacation scheduling being what it is, they were gone for 10 days and it was difficult. i filled my days with errands and work and quality time with my significant other, and yet there was a driving, quiet, background anxiety. this was the first time, really, they had been gone that long, so in retrospect, i understand it a little better. little things that are normally swept up in the current of every day normalcy suddenly threw me off orbit, off kilter, and i couldn't understand why. maybe i was trying too hard to be perfect working single mom--i do that a lot--think i can handle everything, and if i don't, there's something wrong with me--and in this case, pretending i was okay without the biggest pieces of my heart away from me. i wasn't. as soon as i laid eyes on their faces and as soon as we were singing johnny appleseed before dinner and as soon as baby sister hollered, 'mommy come!' and as soon as big sister said, 'i *know* mommy,' about something or other, i knew i had been missing them fiercely. and was so glad our lives were back to normal.
that was the case for me...summer vacation scheduling being what it is, they were gone for 10 days and it was difficult. i filled my days with errands and work and quality time with my significant other, and yet there was a driving, quiet, background anxiety. this was the first time, really, they had been gone that long, so in retrospect, i understand it a little better. little things that are normally swept up in the current of every day normalcy suddenly threw me off orbit, off kilter, and i couldn't understand why. maybe i was trying too hard to be perfect working single mom--i do that a lot--think i can handle everything, and if i don't, there's something wrong with me--and in this case, pretending i was okay without the biggest pieces of my heart away from me. i wasn't. as soon as i laid eyes on their faces and as soon as we were singing johnny appleseed before dinner and as soon as baby sister hollered, 'mommy come!' and as soon as big sister said, 'i *know* mommy,' about something or other, i knew i had been missing them fiercely. and was so glad our lives were back to normal.
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