February

It’s hard to believe that we just rang in the new year and so many things have already happened that could last a lifetime.  Yet here we are, midway through February.

One nice thing—DD2 has a birthday tomorrow!  She is a bright, loving, happy, energetic little sister who loves fiercely with all of her heart.  She embraces life at the speed of 100mph, unless she’s asleep, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was dreaming at 100mph, too.

I’m looking forward to celebrate all that DD2 is tomorrow—the coming week end is a dad week end, so we’re doing her party with her friends the week end after.  And then entering girl scout cookie selling season, oh my!

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern—being present for my kids, and doing my best to stay in the moment of whatever we’re doing, making valentine’s treat bags for their classmates, driving down the road to my yearly mammogram since they were off school the other day and so making ye old boob smash a normal event for them to witness (not the actual exam, but the going to and from, lol—although I let them look at the scans afterwards and my youngest had lots of questions.  The tween pretended not to listen, but she was hanging onto every word, so that was cool), since one day they will have to do it themselves.  Hanging in the library reading in the kids section and checking out books, until The Greatest Showman starts at the theater to use up an old gift card, so the movies only cost $1.42 cents, woo hoo! 

And then there’s the tide of grief rising and falling with the passing of my mom as well as juggling through ex comments and emails, and generally just trying to get by.  I’m grateful for the support of my family—my hubby and his family—and my brother and I have gotten closer, texting pretty regularly.

On grief—there was a point the other day where I was so upset that I couldn’t go back in time, to that week when we were in the snow with my mom, seeing her every day.  Wishing that we could just be there for a little while longer, even staying in the hotel and listening to my daughter fall asleep and thinking about the following day’s plans.  Sitting with my mom and reading to her.  If I could only have those moments back, if I could just re-live them and sit in them for a little while longer.  I’m not asking for my whole life back, just those few minutes.  Why can’t I have them?

On co-parenting—figuring out a way to take a deep breath and stepping back, knowing no one is going to ‘rescue’ me from the nastiness that comes.  That I can only cope with what I can cope with and I have to learn to throw the rest of the rubbish into the literal rubbish can.  Don’t expect more.

On worrying—what can I do about the worrying?  Worrying will not bring my mom back.  Worrying will not bring the time with my daughters back.  My worries enter my dreams—I recently had a nightmare that my youngest had fallen into an ice pond and I was struggling to jump into the water to reach her and save her, someone was holding me back from diving into the water, my head was already submerged and I could see her just a few body lengths away, but then I woke up.

Sometimes, being a grown up is hard work.  Maybe it is all the time.  And maybe it’s how we rise to meet the day, the hour, the minute, the evening that changes our perspectives on what’s hard and what’s easy.  I’m not wishing for easy all the time, but I’d love to go back to sleep for a few minutes and dream that I saved her. 

My mom

It has been a whirlwind month and it’s already the last day of the month.

What happened this month:

Flu

Flying 3000 miles with my oldest daughter to see my mom in her last days when she was in hospice.  My DD was a total champ, when I first approached her about her grandma who was very sick, her first response was, I want to go.  And also, I want to say goodbye.  A few days after this conversation, my brother called letting me know that now was the time to come, and the day after that, my eldest and I were on the plane.  (DD2 too young for this trip).

I have to mention that the Ex was his usual passive aggressive self, unsupportive emails, non-responsive, etc., even when I let him know about my mother’s condition.  This is the only sentence I want to give to it:  what I learned is that expectations must always be low, and it doesn’t matter what he does, he can’t take away the love we have in my family.

The visit itself was beautiful, meaningful, sad, joyful—it’s a strange feeling to have your heart shattered in a million pieces and at the same time overflowing with love.  When we landed, it was snowing, and my daughter and I ran around trying to catch snowflakes on our tongues and trying to make snowballs, until we dashed to the rental car, freezing.  My brother’s farm was nearby, so we balanced our grandma visiting time (2-3 times a day), with cousin time sledding and throwing snowballs and generally being all together.  My mom was feisty and strong and after we were there for a few days, even when the nurses were telling me that she only had 24 hours to days, my mom could still recognize us, smile, even tell jokes.  She was eating ice cubes and pudding and chicken broth and visiting with friends who were trooping in and out of her room.

DD1 took it all in stride, telling her grandma she loved her, holding her hand, even at one point helping grandma get more comfortable.  Mom was holding DD1’s hand and said, “pull harder!” when we were trying to shift her (nurses and aides and friends were not in the room, so just DD1 and I trying to help).  When we were driving back to the hotel that night, DD1 said, “gosh, grandma really hasn’t changed!” which made me smile. 

A couple of nights before we left, I realized that mom wasn’t going to leave us while we were there.  She was not one to miss out on visitors and so she wasn’t going to miss a visit with her granddaughter…we last saw her the morning we flew out.  She was feisty at that time, too, even though it was 4:45am, she wanted to get more comfortable and she wanted more ice and a sprite.  We were able to sit with her a little bit and she held my hand and she knew we were getting on the plane and we said our goodbyes and I didn’t want to get on the plane.  When hubby picked us up 17 hours later, he asked DD1 how our visit was.  And sweet DD1’s response was that her grandma was very feisty, except now that she was in her bed all the time, that made her even more feisty.  Awwww…

I loved that we were there and my mom knew we were there and could feel our love.

I loved that my brother and I were able to share our time together and that the kids had a blast playing in the snow.  We even towed them on their sleds behind the car.

I loved that I got to have one-on-one time with my nephews and that DD1 could spend time with them too.  One day we started the afternoon by building sled ramps and mini snow-men villages and mini forts, and then to warm up, we went inside to have nerf-gun fights all over the house, then got back into our snow clothes and went back outside to play in the snow again (nephews’ school was cancelled due to snow, lol).

I loved that with DD1 with me, I could be strong.  When she went to sleep, that’s when I’d break down and my hubby and friends were there for me.

I loved that my mom had so many visitors, all friends who loved her who had fun and loving stories to share and that DD1 could soak in all that love, too.

I loved that there was singing from the church people that was so beautiful, other people came out of their rooms to hear it.

I love that mom was strong and feisty in the end of her days, and that is what DD1 will remember.

…

Two days after we arrived home, my brother called that my mom had passed away peacefully in her sleep. 

Since then, some days I’ve been strong, others a weepy mess.  I think I’m both at the same time, all the time.

Happy New Year 2018!

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2018 started off with the flu (thanks flu shot, for not working this year, lol), but I am so thankful for the holiday season and how much fun the girls and I had.  We baked cookies for Santa, we hung out with our friends, we saw Coco and Jumanji (which was surprisingly more funny and entertaining than we thought it would be), and basically had a blast hanging out.  It was so nice not rushing here nor there, and playing games with each other-- our Christmas presents included “the Game of Life,” as well as “Who, What, Where”— I think we’re instituting “game day” as part of our family life.  Just relaxing, making art from art kits and reading fun books and watching t.v.

The downside is that at the end of the month I have a hearing with my lovely ex hubby that I blogged about here.  Ugh, not looking forward to that, but leaving that up to the attorney.  And as for latest from the ex, he instilled the “fear” of the flu in my daughters; luckily I was better by the time they returned from their winter break visit with him, but they kept asking me why I wouldn’t let them stay with dad, because it wasn’t “safe” to be with me and they would catch my germs.  After asking me several times, I responded that I was fine, that the expert about my being better was my doctor, and I was sorry that they were made to feel like it wasn’t “safe” to come to mom’s house.  /eyeroll.  The pettiness just never ends.

Hubby has been a champ through the flu craziness (running around the house disinfecting everything, as well as breaking down the Christmas tree and decorations, doing twelve loads of laundry, lol), and I’m happy to say that I’m functionally upright and healed from the illness!  Definite gold stars go to hubby!

Of bigger note than anything, my brother and I have been huddling since November about my mom—her health is declining and she’s been in the ICU twice.  I’m on the fence as to what to do; but I think I’ll be heading out to see her as soon as I have more information.  So prayers and wishes of good health needed, please.

When it rains, it pours!

And somehow, I will just make this all work—family, home, ex-family, mom, work.

Love,

Jane Thrive

All in a Day's Work

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Dear World,

Two exciting things happened within the last 24 hours.  First of all, a nationally syndicated television show filmed in my workplace, and I somehow talked them into letting me be an extra, lol!  It was so fun, they even styled my hair, had to get my “wardrobe” approved, lol.  I met all different types of crew members (set, lighting, sound, assistants) who were open and kind and welcoming, with many patiently teaching me all the ins and outs of production.  What I loved the most was how they took care of one another and gave special props to an actress who said essentially one line, and even though her role was “small,” they applauded her for it when she was finished, how cool!  I did get to peek and interact a little bit with some ‘bigger’ TV stars, but all in all, what I loved most about it was how cool I was treated by the crew and how they treated each other.

Secondly, I don’t want to forget what happened today regarding my work environment.  At a meeting, I re-dedicated a commitment with my two managers about creating a safe, trusting, and understanding workplace, especially with one another, so we could emulate that for our staff. 

What did I mean by that?  Well, over the last month or so, one of my managers was struggling with what she perceived were hurtful comments from another manager; that manager was blissfully unaware of the impact of his words.  However, I couched this issue as setting professional goals in 2018—that we had worked with each other for years that had established a wonderful and close relationship of camaraderie.  This relationship also bordered on “too familiar” terms at times, and that I needed their help in re-setting our professional boundaries—including being careful of the language we use when addressing one another.  My managers rose to the occasion, addressing past comments and sharing what they actually meant behind their words (nothing, of course!) and also embracing that words can have seriously unintended meanings and then authentically taking responsibility for the hurt they may have caused, being understanding of one another, and being more careful going forward.  I was so happy that they could have an honest conversation about this (in fact things came up that I hadn’t been informed of), and I guess I’m really proud that I was able to create the safe environment for them to be honest and open about their experiences. 

Heartfelt apologies and a commitment going forward to share with one another thoughts and insights followed …and the meeting ended with a true sense that we are creating a safe space for one another so that we can do so for all our staff.  Also, that this commitment is a journey--it isn’t like we’ll wake up tomorrow morning and be the perfect professional, but that we were here to help each other and share with each other to accomplish this going forward into 2018.  Wow!!  My heart was so happy I was about to burst!  (Having worked in toxic environments before, it means a lot for me to create a place of acceptance.)

And now I’m preparing for time away from the office, to snuggle up with my daughters and prepare for the holiday cheer.  Cookie baking for Santa will begin in earnest on Friday, with a girls’ slumber party to follow, and looking forward to hanging around during the girls’ school break and being lazy.  I love Christmas with all my heart, and even though I’ve been struggling with emotions and anxiety lately, I am grateful and thankful to have made it to another holiday season.  Let the lights shine!  Let love win!  Let our hearts be full of love! 

I’m so happy to be ending the year with an intention for adding love and kindness to the world, not only at home, but at work too.  Hurray!

Anxiety is a rollercoaster

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Some days at Chez Survive, Live, Thrive, I’m at the “survive” end of the spectrum.  I’ve had some great moments of strength and confidence over the last month or so, but the last few days, the pendulum is swinging the other way.  Self-doubt, and fear, and good old PTSD rearing up it’s yuckity head.  I’m so thankful to have an outlet and the means to know that I’ll get through this if I just hang in a little longer…

And at the same time, it just hurts so much.  It hurts to see my babies emotionally manipulated.  It hurts to have to wonder—what is he up to next.  It hurts that my stomach knots up in convoluted knots knowing that I’ll be facing him at a hearing next month.  I refuse to let that ruin my holidays, but I’m struggling.

So I guess I’m just reaching out to the world to say that during this time of joy and celebration, of hope and longing for peace in the holiday season, that there are also complications underneath the surface.  People who are walking through life perhaps with some holiday cheer on the outside, are also struggling to just make it through the next step, to the next crosswalk, to the next street.   Maybe loss, maybe fear, maybe pain, maybe hardship that is not apparent, but whatever it is, I just want to say a prayer out to you to hold on a little longer.  And to me, too.  Hold on a little bit more.  It will be okay, I think, I hope, I pray.

Love and kindness to the world.

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS (And of course a little Ex-drama)

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Let’s start with the good—hubby’s family was here visiting for Thanksgiving, and we just laughed our hearts out for 10 days while they were here.  We went surfing, ziplining, eating, laughing, cooking.  Even the hubby got into surfing with us and had a blast, and my brother-in-law forced me out of my comfort zone and I ended up taking him to breaks where I usually don’t go.  Brother-in-law now wants to start a new tradition by bringing the whole family out every Thanksgiving and I couldn’t be happier.  I cooked a yummy Thanksgiving turkey dinner with gravy from scratch, my daughters crushing up pecans as is their yearly tradition in helping with the sweet potato casserole, home made stuffing, green bean casserole, and sister-in-law helped me with the mashed potatoes, everything turned out delicious and yummy.  My heart was so full with them here.  !!  I can still feel the laughter in my belly and the love everywhere, especially seeing my daughters being hugged and read to and just in general enjoying our extended family time together.

After we dropped them off at the airport, DD2 started to cry, so in an effort to cheer her up, we decided it was time to go get our Christmas tree.  Not only did we light it up and decorate it, but we lit up the carport with our holiday lights, baked grandma’s banana bread and gave some to the neighbors, and just generally sent some love out into the world, hurray!

So now the ex-drama:

He was extra ornery with me because he was demanding his make up time for his last minute business trip, which I posted a little about here. Demanding time right when we had visitors was not going to work with me, but we figured out a nice compromise and I thought, okay, finally, now that’s put to rest. 

At the same time, he went ahead and filed for CS modification which I touched briefly earlier at Chez Survive, Live Thrive.  The thing is, I decided not to contest it, even though the figures included half of what I actually pay for the girls childcare/healthcare, but like I said then, it wasn’t worth the numbers to fight it.

Well, while the family was here, I received notice that the Ex has now decided to ask for a hearing.  ????  Ugh.  And after hemming and hawing and even though I’m confident in my information and numbers, the PTSD that’s triggered right now in facing him at a hearing is not worth it to go this alone.  So I’ve retained an attorney to help me make sure the Ts are crossed and the “i”s are dotted.  I know it will cost more $$ than I need it to cost, so I’ve decided to take out a credit card (interest free for first 15 months) and at least get a free airline ticket out of this  (bonus that comes when you spend so much within the first month).  I know I can pay this off in less than a year, so it is what it is.  Now I don’t have to worry about any legal shenanigans on his side and breathe easier.  It still sucks.

And the latest passive-aggressive move?  This past Saturday was a dad week end.  DD1 had a sports tournament, and DD2 was invited to march in a Christmas parade with her girl scouts at the same time.  A couple of weeks prior, I offered to help either take DD2 to the parade or DD1 to  her tournament; when he didn't respond to me, I quietly asked the girl scout moms to reach out to him last week.  He ended up dropping DD2 off to one of the brownie moms instead of responding to me.  (I thanked the brownie moms--and so as not to rock the boat, I would just cheer on the sidelines, because the most important was that DD2 could participate and I really appreciated their help!).  I just feel so bad about the family drama.

Lastly, through his mother, it sounds like he either thinks he "has more time with the girls than mom does" or his mother has interpreted it that way.  (Either way, it’s untrue, le sigh).  His mom mentioned this recently to one of the girl scout moms in DD1’s troop in passing-- so it sounds like there may be some lingering sense of "unfairness" about the outcome of our divorce…which means no, he has not moved on from “losing.”  And which may be the reason why now he’s asking for hearing.  Ugh, I’m tired of the drama.

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I guess this is the life, isn’t it.  Embracing the good things, family, holiday planning (I’ve already been asked by one of DD1’s besties about when we’re having our Christmas cookie baking sleepover, lol), creating care packages for our family far away, holiday shopping and baking for the girls’ teachers and friends.  Vacation planning—we’re not going anywhere, but I’m just taking time off work to hang with them and just in general breathing in a big breath and enjoying this time of year.

And also contending with the aforementioned drama.  Wishing it didn’t exist, sometimes getting frustrated to tears, PTSD-induced anxiety insomnia at times, but it is what it is, and right now I have the strength and means to deal with it.

So love and hugs to the world and to you and your loved ones.  Let’s add love and peace and kindness to the world, because it clearly needs it.  Here’s to hoping for a better world, and for helping ourselves create that world and being the love.  That’s what I’m wishing for.

Happy Holidays

Love, peace, and kindness to the world!  We definitely need more of it.  In case anyone has been stopping by Chez Survive,  Live, Thrive, I wanted to say we are alive and doing well--had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with the family and are heading into the Christmas season with lots of love in our hearts.

The Exie is pulling his usual shenanigans, more of which I will post later, but for now I am just trying to fill up our little corner with hope and peace for good things to come.

Love and hugs!