Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Blended family blender, post script

I hope my post yesterday was not TMI--it's been an emotional roller coaster lately—and writing it all out helps me work through it.  My husband again assured me last night that he realized he was freaking out about the wrong things, overreacting around the wrong things (i.e. of course young children will wake you up in the mornings!).  That he realized after the drama this week end and the packed suitcase, that he needed to STOP and regain his composure.

I am wondering if what we are going through is "normal" in the sense of blending within the context of drama ex.

I look back at our 'courtship' (I do love those formal words), and I was so very careful to vet him--I put him through the ringer, he met all of my friends, my adopted family where i've made my home for the last seventeen years.  Because I was so afraid to trust completely my own judgment in the affairs of the heart (of note: my mom could not stand my ex, and like a dutiful daughter, I did not listen to her!—please DD1 and DD2 don’t repeat my mistakes!), I sought input and observations from my closest people, my therapist, everyone.  I seriously ran a background check (I work closely with legal research, lol). But most importantly, I believed in his kindness, intent, and beyond his sweetheart words, I watched for actions.  Did his actions match his words?  They did.  When it come to how he treated me—yes he swept me off my feet in every romantic way, but more importantly when there were any concerns and how we handled disagreements back in the day—there were never raised voices or angry slamming doors.  It was all very civilized.  He talked and I listened, I talked and he listened.  What we said to each other—we agreed or we agreed to disagree, but on any ‘bigger’ topics, we agreed upon and made changes for each other to help each other feel more comfortable.  And that was such a difference to what I experienced before—he was responsible, he would say something and follow through.

I think that is why I’ve been in state of shock and stress at the behavior that I described yesterday--so opposite of what happened prior.  I'm hopeful the drama over these last few months are part of the "transition."  Of course we would be upset that as soon as we married, my ex husband would make the children feel guilty, especially DD1, and do everything he can to interfere.  Of course there will be conflict as I try to introduce parenting to my husband, who has never had children, and on top of it all have to deal with the Ex interfering and making demands and manipulating the girls.  Yes there will be a huge learning curve on his part, and mine, in becoming a blended family. 

I would like to believe my husband’s words with regard to our latest dispute.  My past has made me cautious, and I will watch and see.  I love him and I love my daughters and if we could work through this, I think we have every chance at being a positive, loving home.  The other side to that, though, is something unbearable, something I do not want, and so I remain observant.  Cautious, but hopeful.

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