Conundrum:
It's
been many years since I left my abusive marriage and years of therapy and now
I'm in a healthy re-marriage (5 years next month…!!!), so that's a good
thing. All of these years, I’ve
supported my kids and their relationship with their dad and helped them unpack
their complicated feelings about being both loyal to him but also not liking
that he yells at their grandma and at them.
So
whyyyyy am I having a hard time and all triggered that my former abuser might
be getting re-married? The good news is my girls really like her. My youngest
says she's glad they're getting married because daddy needs help--and went on
to explain how they are late sometimes because they have to carry so many bags
and make so many trips from the car into the house and daddy gets mad and upset. I interpret that to mean that he loses his
patience and crap with the menial chores and having a nice lady to help them--in
my youngest’s mind makes sense—that it will make things easier for him. At the same time, my eldest laughed when I
shared little sister’s story with her.
She was like, Mom, she WISHES they
would get married, lol. Also, from
what I understand, she is very well off financially and is generous with the
girls (i.e., flies them first class). So what gives? Why am I suddenly uncomfortable and out of
sorts and upset? And then angry at
myself for being upset?
Observation:
I
think it's because even though I've done a lot of work in therapy and accept a
lot of my trauma around the violence, it's because I see this as so unfair that
he 'gets away' with being so horrible. I know that part of forgiveness is
letting go, moving on, and living a good life. Which i've been working for
years to do so. I'm just struggling with the whole, he gets away with it. And
maybe if he gets married again to a financially well off lady, it's like then
it's validation that he's "not that bad" in the eyes of the world.
Ugh, I guess I really do have a lot more work to do in terms of healing and
therapy.
One
day I hope to be in a place where this doesn't matter. I've tried the
forgiveness meditation on the daily. (I guess keep on working on it... if
anyone has words on wisdom ... please share.)
Answer:
So…I
called my therapist and checked in and I’m distilling her words of wisdom:
1)
Even if life has moved on, the feelings
come because the wounds were so very deep. This explains why, even when travelling
down a completely different road altogether, even when embracing healthier ways
of living, you can be triggered and why it hurts. That’s trauma. That’s PTSD, and that’s why it hurts.
2)
Don’t be so quick to brush off the feelings as invalid; don’t be so quick to
judge or berate yourself for being upset.
Let the feelings be what they are.
Recognize them. Validate
them. They are what they are. That they exist is not a reflection of
failure on your part in healing or moving on.
They exist by virtue of what you went through. Once you allow space for them, *then* you can
go into…
3) Remember, your ex is still your ex. For a reason.
Would you want to be married to him?
Would you want to be in that violence?
No! And just because he may be entering
into a new marriage—no one knows what that marriage is going to be except for
those two people. His actions now aren’t
a reflection of what YOU lived. That’s
on him.
4) Lastly, that creeping sensation that this
means none of it’s true, or he’s not that bad, that somehow he’s being
validated and you are not? Again, that’s
on him and on anyone else who subscribes to that kool-aid. It might sting, but at the end of the day, you
know what you’ve been through. Your people,
the ones who matter, who love and support you, know what you’ve been
through. They matter. Everyone else, and everything they ‘might’
think…well, they don’t matter at all. Love
yourself and love your kids. Living your
good life is what makes the difference.
5) (these words are from me and not the therapist): Deep breaths. This is a damn
marathon. Not kidding.
Wow, your 5 points I thought for sure, were from your therapist. You are so healthy, Jane!! I think it's perfectly normal to have these feelings. I recall when my ex began a relationship with a new woman who happens to be a doctor. I felt kind of embarrassed that I was a no-career woman. Sure, I went to Uni and had various jobs in my field of studies, but I gave it up when I had my first baby. Did this mean she was better than me? No of course not. I did feel at the time, though, that he was making a 'step up' and taking her to romantic destinations etc. I then wondered if he was different with her (better). The answer is he is no different than he was with me. I know this now. Your exie will also show his true colors.
ReplyDeleteI think there's also that uncertainty of her role as a step-mom with your girls. I mean, right now she's simply a girlfriend but when they're married, shit gets real. Maybe that's going on in the back of your mind, too?
Hugs Lisa! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and experience. I really appreciate it. And yes, the words 1 - 4 were from my therapist, of which I expanded a bit...only 5) was from me (but I'm sure she would agree). Yes, I'm triggered from my own childhood adoption/separation trauma, I think, that somehow the bonds between my children and I are at risk, when in reality (in my head), I know that nothing can break my bonds with my daughters. So my therapy and healing journey continues, lol. the good news is that from what I can gather, the girls are affected positively by her presence and so I'm practicing my compassion meditation--may they have peace, may they have happiness... <3 <3 Thank you for your kind understanding. deep breaths <3
ReplyDelete