Leaving on a Jet Plane

Flying over DC

I’m so excited to be taking my girls to DC and New York for our summer vacation! 

Part of this trip is work—I’ll be working in DC for four days, whereupon stepgrandpa and stepgrandma will be taking the girls around to see the sights.  I feel so fortunate and lucky to have such amazing inlaws who are devoting their time to us.  I’m kind of teary thinking about it!

Then, after I’m done with work I can join them on seeing the sights—I’ve hooked us up with some tours via our Senators’ offices—including the Capitol, the FBI Headquarters, and the Department of Interior Monuments tour (where they take you around on an air conditioned bus and fast track you to the sights!)  Of course we have to hit the Library of Congress and the Supreme Court, too, given DD1’s love of RBG, awwwww.

And then we will get on the train to the Big Apple!  Hubby is going to meet us in NYC and we’re all staying together in a swanky condo that he hooked up for us via a friend from work, along with his sister who is flying in.  I’m hooking up with my childhood friend and her family as well to see the New York sights, such as taking the ferry to Liberty Island and the Bronx Zoo, and we’re also planning on checking out Central Park, Broadway (Hamilton!!!!), the New York Public Library, the Natural Museum of History and more!  And lastly, Hubby’s brother and sister in law are taking an adult week end for the last portion of the trip so we are getting New York time and family time together!

So…that’s what’s on the agenda and also why I’ve been silencio on the blog—prepping for work (actually it will be non stop for a few days work-wise), the family trip, and more!

Dear Universe,

Please let me be the light I want to see in the world—please help me be supportive and a positive influence for my colleagues and also please help me do a good and effective job on the work portion of the trip.

And then, please watch over us as we travel to new cities for the first time (for my girls) and please help us just enjoy the time we have together and be the love we want to see in the world, too.

I’m so thankful and grateful for this time together.

Love and hugs!!

Jane

Summer Solstice: Onward with that Healing Journey

Sunburst

I’ve been struggling to write this month, partly due to my children away on their extended summer vacation with their father and his wealthy new girlfriend.  They are in Europe!  And wow!  Europe! 

Truth time:  a part of me struggles with this—an example of how the man who kicked my eldest in her stomach and knocked my youngest down with a jumbo fitness ball as teeny toddlers—gets away with being a jerk and is now living the life.

Second truth:  I’m so not proud of feeling this way.  Two steps forward and one step backward on the healing journey.  I’m angry and sad about the injustice.  And it doesn’t help that the said new girlfriend took my youngest’s Mother’s day gift that her teacher said my little one worked on all year at school--that’s another thing that I’m supposed to “accept” for the good of the all.  Ouch.  A month later, and I’m still sore from that scenario.

So, I’ve been taking stock of my “tips” for coping when your kids are on an extended visitation that I wrote back in 2014.  They still apply—leaning into the relaxed household pace in my temporary all-adult house, spending time with friends, relaxing with the hubs, reading a book or catching up on a show.  And dedicating myself to exercise—I did an 8 mile run last Saturday!

Taking stock--over the past two weeks:  I’ve celebrated a friend’s birthday, had a mom’s night out, went to see stand-up comedian Ali Wong with some girlfriends (and if you haven’t seen her new movie, Always Be My Maybe on Netflix, you are seriously missing out on some laughter in your day!), caught up on reading, caught up on t.v. shows with the hubby, like Jessica Jones, watched movies, jumped into the ocean and had fun being silly with coworkers and friends.  Took naps.  Oh sweet naps.

I also have an appointment with my therapist on Monday to keep working on letting go.  How can I just let go of these negative, downer emotions.  How can I rise above and stay above?  How can I remain in the peace zone?

For this Solstice, then, I’m working on letting the light in.  Past actions do not have to define me.  Maybe they cast shadows on the longest day of the year, even as I walk in the sunlight.  Maybe I just acknowledge the shadows in order to embrace the light in my life.  Hello, shadow.  Please step aside so I can embrace today’s sunrays. 

Practice kindness.  To myself, to my coworkers, to my friends, to my family.  The girls come home on Monday, too.  I can’t wait to hug them.  I can’t wait to hear their voices and laughter and help them get to tennis or their tennis team party and eat dinner with them like any other mundane Monday night.  To peek in to see if they’re settled into bed and at their sleeping faces, knowing they will be safe at home.

I may not feel like it all the time, but the other thing I need to embrace on this lovely Solstice day—is that somehow everything will be okay. I can do it.  May you have peace, may you have happiness, may you have healing.

Lives are Sacred and Precious

Gilead

Status: Baffled.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be surprised when I'm baffled by Governor Ivey's remark that every life is sacred and precious with re: to her abortion ban. Because:

1) There are 15 million children living in poverty in the United States. http://www.nccp.org/topics/childpoverty.html

2) 1300/children die every year due to gun violence; additionally 5790 get treated from gunshot wounds, according to _Pediatrics_

https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/140/1/e20163486 (some other folks argue more; this is from a 2016 study)

3) There are 276,000 uninsured children in the United States.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/11/29/671666280/number-of-u-s-kids-who-dont-have-health-insurance-is-on-the-rise

4) There are 437,465 children in the foster care system, with 117,794 "waiting to be adopted," according to the Children's Bureau, see their report: https://www.acf.hhs.gov/cb/faq/foster-care4

(And please note that disrupting families causes effects that are felt by all parties--adoption for me may have been a 'happier' ending, but I've learned it is not so for many and comes with trauma and a healing journey).

So, the thing is, these children are sacred and precious. But not sacred and precious enough for folks to care about to protect, help, support, and solve problems for, because they'd rather concentrate on banning women's constitutional right to healthcare and revoke women's agency re: family planning. What in the literal f.

Happy Mother’s Day in a Screwed up Co-parenting World

Happy Mother's Day

Let’s start off with some positives—while this is the second mom’s day that I am alive without my mom, I survived.  Also, I did pretty well at my work conference, having presented at three different events, representing our state as best as I could, and I think my mom would have been proud about that.

Secondly, my girls are growing up strong and tall and smart and sassy and loving and caring and kind and silly and loyal.  I could go on and on.  So that’s good too.

Now for the screwed up co-parenting world part:

Last Friday, DD2’s teacher sent a class message to all the parents that the kids were coming home with a mother’s day gift that they had been working on all year together.  I was out of town presenting at the said conference, and when I returned, it was to an email from the ex saying that DD2 had forgotten the present, but it would come home next time.

So when I saw DD2, I told her I was excited to see the present, and DD2 started bawling, saying she gave it to Aunty (Exie’s new and generous girlfriend), because she was visiting and going back home, so they had packed it in her suitcase.  I was baffled, having received the email from Exie and the teacher and figured there must be some kind of confusion.  A suspicion did start to rise in the back of my brain, however, that perhaps Exie did encourage DD2 to give the present to his girlfriend, and I figured the best way to find out would be to apply a little kindness.

I wrote to Exie that it sounded like DD2 was a little confused, that she had told me that she’d given the present to Aunty by mistake, and also that I was glad the girls had a positive relationship with his girlfriend.  That similarly, A has always treated their relationship different than theirs, has encouraged them to give him father’s day gifts, and would never accept a present where we knew they had made it for Exie for father’s day.  Also, that I looked forward to meeting his girlfriend one day at a school event, etc, as the girls seem to like her and they really like her dog. 

All in all, I felt proud of myself for going high instead of low.

Unfortunately, the response was a long-winded, well…actually DD2 “CHOSE” to give the mother’s day gift to his girlfriend, despite him trying to talk her out of it and emphasizing that his girlfriend is not her mother and DD2 wanted to give it to her anyway.  (And another long winded response about how he would ‘think’ about me meeting his girlfriend, bringing up his past demands of how he wanted a special sit-down meeting with A to talk about parenting and I kept refusing—baffling, since they met at a school event, everything was fine.  Exie does hang on to perceived slights and then applies them out of context.)

The thing here is that DD2 is a young child.  Exie is the adult.  That’s the cue where he steps in, if it actually did go as described, about appropriateness.  The way he described is the best case scenario, however I have been a victim and now am a survivor of his emotional blackmail, so here we are.  And then I remembered that I can’t control what happens at his house.  He may not act like the adult, but I do. 

And so the crux of the story is 1) I’m sad that I don’t get to see the present that my daughter worked all year on for me,  2) I’m angry at the double-standard that if the tables were turned (which they never would be, A would never accept a gift under these circumstances), Exie’s head would explode, 3) I’m sad that DD2 feels pressured to please her dad and his girlfriend to give the present to his girlfriend, overtly or unconsciously, 4) I’m praying that DD2 doesn’t end up with a spouse that she’s always bending over backwards to please in an unhealthy way, and 5) at the end of the day, I know DD2 knows who her mom is.

Adulting is hard.  I’m going to cry that I don’t get to see this present and go to therapy to unpack what that means to me on Friday.

Then I’ll pull up my grown up pants and handle this like the grown up that I am.  All the time praying that my girls grow up with as minimal impact of his needy, manipulative ways as possible and do not replicate it in their future relationships.  Please god please let them be strong.  #cry

Proud Mama Moments While Coparenting my Tween

Big-Little-Tree

The other day on the way home from school, fighting traffic with DD1 riding in the backseat, DD1 nonchalantly announced that she won an award and there was going to be a ceremony at school.  It went something like this:

DD1 (fiddling with her phone music keyboard game):  I-won-an-award-and-there’s-a-ceremony-and-dad-wants-to-go-does-that-mean-you-want-to-go-too? 

Me:  Wow!  What kind of award, sister?

DD1: A writing award.

Me:  That’s great, DD1!  I’m really proud of you!  And there’s a ceremony?

DD1: Yes-it’s-before-school-dad-says-he’s-going-does-this-mean-you’re-going-too.

Me:  Well, of course I want to go, sister.  I need to know more about the award and the ceremony, though was it announced?

DD1: I got an EMAIL.  And I didn’t think you could go because you have to be at work!

I could tell she was struggling.  Having two households can be stressful.  At the same time, I had no idea what was going on and needed to learn more.  She continued to tell me that she wasn’t sure what the writing award was but that she was invited by an email and it was to include breakfast and a quick ceremony before school.  Also, she didn’t want any of us to go, but dad said he’s going so does that mean you’re going too.  Of course I said that I wanted to go, to which she responded with more sighs and stomping around the house.  Even A wanted to attend, but after all the stomping and sighing (tweens sure do stomp and sigh a lot), we came to the conclusion that while there are events to hang our hats on where all parents needed to attend (i.e. school-wide performances, graduations, etc.), perhaps this half hour ceremony before school was not one of them, given her reaction.

Later, DD1 confirmed other parents were also attending and we realized the ceremony was the morning that I was on carpool duty for drop off, so I let DD1 know that I was going.  When she spoke by phone with her dad on the phone later, she told him, well MOM wants to go now, so you can go too, I GUESS.  You know to be FAIR.

There were two more days to go by (including an overnight with her dad), so I let DD1 know, listen sister, if you REALLY don’t want parents to go, I’ll reconsider this, okay?  To which she just answered with a short:  IT’s FINE.

Then some sweet little surprises happened to let me know it was okay to go:

1)  She asked if I had a blouse for her to wear to the ceremony.  Then right before bed, she raided my closet and picked one out.  (gasp! We’ve gotten to the point where she wears my clothes!  Lol).

2)  When I asked if there was a place that sold coffee/tea at school, so I could hang out after drop off and before the ceremony started—she asked, why?  And I responded, well, I figured you wouldn’t want me hanging around you and your friends so I could go hang out somewhere.  DD1 thought about this for a while and later that afternoon, informed me: I guess you can sit with us, mom.  It’s okay.  You can sit on the side.  Just don’t be so loud.  (tee hee hee, what me?  Loud?)

3)  Arriving at school and at the tables where DD1 sits with her friends, her tweens nodded at me, and DD1’s BFF told everyone I was her “second mom.”  I smiled and said good morning and focused on playing Words with Friends, so as not to disturb the force.

4) Although, after talking with two of DD1’s friends for a little bit (careful not to be too loud), they decided they wanted to come with us.  So we all tromped over to the ceremony and sat together.

5) I asked DD1 if she wanted me to invite her dad to sit with us, and she shook her head adamantly.  But she didn’t object to me helping her catch his attention, calling his name and waving.  (I’ll follow up with her about that it’s okay if everyone sits together…)

6) When her teacher gave me a big hug and later, invited me to take a group photo of the winners, DD1 SMILED!  Awww…

7) It turned out DD1 was being recognized for her poem…and she let me READ IT.  And asked me what I THOUGHT about it.

8) We had a nice discussion about what the symbolism meant and how proud I was of her for thinking of it.  Also, why I thought it had been recognized out of the two grades it was represented.

9) She shared with me some of her other writing.  <3 o:p="">

10)  Later, we celebrated because I got out of work early—I took her and her BFF (“second daughter”) out for bubble tea and cookies before we headed home.

All in all!  A very good day in the life of a tween mom.  Heart full!!!!

Working it Out on the Healing Journey

Morning Dew

Conundrum:

It's been many years since I left my abusive marriage and years of therapy and now I'm in a healthy re-marriage (5 years next month…!!!), so that's a good thing.  All of these years, I’ve supported my kids and their relationship with their dad and helped them unpack their complicated feelings about being both loyal to him but also not liking that he yells at their grandma and at them.

So whyyyyy am I having a hard time and all triggered that my former abuser might be getting re-married? The good news is my girls really like her. My youngest says she's glad they're getting married because daddy needs help--and went on to explain how they are late sometimes because they have to carry so many bags and make so many trips from the car into the house and daddy gets mad and upset.  I interpret that to mean that he loses his patience and crap with the menial chores and having a nice lady to help them--in my youngest’s mind makes sense—that it will make things easier for him.  At the same time, my eldest laughed when I shared little sister’s story with her.  She was like, Mom, she WISHES they would get married, lol.  Also, from what I understand, she is very well off financially and is generous with the girls (i.e., flies them first class). So what gives?  Why am I suddenly uncomfortable and out of sorts and upset?  And then angry at myself for being upset?

Observation:

I think it's because even though I've done a lot of work in therapy and accept a lot of my trauma around the violence, it's because I see this as so unfair that he 'gets away' with being so horrible. I know that part of forgiveness is letting go, moving on, and living a good life. Which i've been working for years to do so. I'm just struggling with the whole, he gets away with it. And maybe if he gets married again to a financially well off lady, it's like then it's validation that he's "not that bad" in the eyes of the world. Ugh, I guess I really do have a lot more work to do in terms of healing and therapy.

One day I hope to be in a place where this doesn't matter. I've tried the forgiveness meditation on the daily. (I guess keep on working on it... if anyone has words on wisdom ... please share.)

Answer:

So…I called my therapist and checked in and I’m distilling her words of wisdom:

1)  Even if life has moved on, the feelings come because the wounds were so very deep. This explains why, even when travelling down a completely different road altogether, even when embracing healthier ways of living, you can be triggered and why it hurts.  That’s trauma.  That’s PTSD, and that’s why it hurts.

2) Don’t be so quick to brush off the feelings as invalid; don’t be so quick to judge or berate yourself for being upset.  Let the feelings be what they are.  Recognize them.  Validate them.  They are what they are.  That they exist is not a reflection of failure on your part in healing or moving on.  They exist by virtue of what you went through.  Once you allow space for them, *then* you can go into…

3)  Remember, your ex is still your ex.  For a reason.  Would you want to be married to him?  Would you want to be in that violence?  No!  And just because he may be entering into a new marriage—no one knows what that marriage is going to be except for those two people.  His actions now aren’t a reflection of what YOU lived.  That’s on him. 

4)  Lastly, that creeping sensation that this means none of it’s true, or he’s not that bad, that somehow he’s being validated and you are not?  Again, that’s on him and on anyone else who subscribes to that kool-aid.  It might sting, but at the end of the day, you know what you’ve been through.  Your people, the ones who matter, who love and support you, know what you’ve been through.  They matter.  Everyone else, and everything they ‘might’ think…well, they don’t matter at all.  Love yourself and love your kids.  Living your good life is what makes the difference.

5) (these words are from me and not the therapist):   Deep breaths.  This is a damn marathon.  Not kidding.

Happy Earth Day & Tween Correspondence

EarthRise-NASA

Happy Earth Day!

And in other news, an actual email that I received from DD2:

-----

Dearest Parental Unit,

I regret to inform you that I have forgotten my racquet at home.  I am so, very sorry.  Is it possible that I can stop by and run into the house to grab it?

Sincerely,

DD2

-----

LOL.  Yes, I did remind ms. daughter to not forget her racquet before she left the house this morning.  

I’m actually impressed that she addressed me as “Dearest Parental Unit” as well as chose to spell racquet instead of racket.  Awwwww, DD2

p.s. percolating on another blog post--about Easter, grief, redemption, healing, and love.  I can't get the juices flowing right now, so I'm leaning into parenting, regular work-life, and preparing for all the death and destruction in the next episode of Game of Thrones.  

Love and hugs to you!